


Wentworth  : Redemption

by Lyhesa



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Character Development, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Don't Judge Me, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Enemies to Friends, F/F, Family Bonding, Family Dynamics, Family Fluff, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hope, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Love/Hate, Mother-Daughter Relationship, My First Work in This Fandom, Older Woman/Younger Woman, Past Abuse, Please Don't Kill Me, Psychological Trauma, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Psychopath, Redemption, Sociopath, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Wentworth Correctional Centre
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:08:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 35
Words: 105,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24322522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyhesa/pseuds/Lyhesa
Summary: What happens when a figure from the past resurfaces at Wentworth ?Is Ferguson really dead ? Is she after revenge for the things done to her ?Can Vera, Will and Jake move past what happened to them during the siege and before ?Should people be given another chance ?Can people change for the better ?Should people be forgiven ?Can everyone achieve Redemption ?
Relationships: Franky Doyle/Bridget Westfall, Joan Ferguson/Original Character(s), Joan Ferguson/Original Female Character(s), Vera Bennett/Joan Ferguson
Comments: 103
Kudos: 65





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okayy so don't ask why, nor how I don't even know it myself ahah !
> 
> But I had this idea since season 8 is very near and I cannot wait to see who will be redeemed and what is going to happen to our beloved characters and the return OF THE ONE AND ONLY PAMELA RABE AS JOAN FERGUSON. 
> 
> *hum hum* 
> 
> So yeah this is completely AU and two characters are Original, I decided to focus mainly on Joan, two Original Characters, Vera, Will, Jake and Bridget because they all have interacted with each other and "trust" each other. Allie is here and so is Boomer and Franky but it's not focussed on them. They will have their importance though, and gosh I have to find a new peer worker now  
> (-_-' )
> 
> It doesn't contain many moments with the other inmates at least in the beginning. But there will be moments with the general population. Maybe even flashback which may be triggering to some which is why I added that many tags or even that will occur during the present days.
> 
> Also, my chapters will be shorter (knowing myself I don't know if it's going to last lol) but this way I'll be able to focus on few moments at the time and to make this last longer.
> 
> Hopefully you'll like it and hopefully I'll do right by the characters, now remember everyone can change and everyone deserves redemption, and I hate Will and kinda hate Bridget(just a little bit) so yeah...
> 
> DISCLAIMER : I have read quite a few things about Sociopathy/Psychopathy, but I am no expert, and I (most certainly) lack the knowledge to probably do it justice, but I'm trying my best, keep it in mind that this is a fanfiction and therefore reality can be twisted a bit like we want, to accommodate what we'd like to write. I'm sorry if it is far off what Socio/Psycho are, but since I know no one who has it and I don't believe having it myself, the only reliable sources are of people with Ph.D. and so on.  
> I hope it doesn't throw you off and I apologize in advance if it does, now, my character does want to change, or at least for the interactions to be less tiring, to go more smoothly therefore tries to make a habit of being ""normal"" (by the morals of polite society which lacks inclusivity) so she will still be detached, yet feel things (even if to a lower scale than your general population or empaths).  
> Now that this is said....
> 
> Enjoy *MWAAHAAAHAAHAAHAAA*

Alice got out of her car, placing her bag on her shoulder, her hair flying in the wind, her eyes scanning her surroundings, the place looked desert if not for the rumbling of voices coming from the centre. The grayish, cool tones of the sky fitting the area she was in, it was most certainly depressing to anyone who walked by, but she seemed unbothered by it. Her legs brought her to the door and entered, the voices distinct now, she looked around to the Officers in uniforms rushing from every corner. She was about to go to the reception when a voice called out her name, making her turn right away.

-Vera ! It's good to see you.  
-You too, how did you travel so fast ? I know that was a last-minute call...  
-No, it's alright, we're a bit tired that's all, we'll get over it.  
-We ?  
-Me and my daughter.  
-Oh yeah right Frannie, I forgot.  
-It's alright, what about you ? 

Vera took her phone out of her pocket and stopped walking toward the staff room.

-That's Grace.  
-She looks a lot like you, she's gorgeous, you failed to mention if you settled with somebody.  
-It's way too long, too complicated, plus I need you to meet the team, see your office, maybe look through the files and I still need to give you a tour.  
-Wow, the Regional Manager giving me a tour, be careful you'll make people jealous. I'll take you up on that you know, you'll have to tell me.  
-Yeah right, just come with me, Missy.

* * * * *

Will and Jake were seated at the table eating breakfast while Bridget was going through files. The three of them were exhausted from the last few months, much like the inmates themselves. The staff room was silent for once, though it was filled with each member of this year's team. When Vera and Alice arrived, she felt a notable tensing in her jaw, Will was on his feet looking at everyone, ready to make his introduction speech.

-Good morning everyone, I know how hard it must be for many of you to come back here after all that happened, but I wish to thank you for it because it denotes a great amount of courage from your part. The inmates will be in the same state of mind as you are in, but that doesn't mean you have to stand for any bad behavior, many will grieve, many are probably traumatized, will act out and it is of the utmost importance that we make things go smoothly for everybody. I do not pretend to know how things are going to go from now on, but we can all agree that it's going to be hard. Together we can make things work, help these people and therefore help ourselves. If you need anything we now have two psychologists here in Wentworth who will be happy to help you, or just talk if you feel the need. That will be all for now.

Everybody nodded and went on to their business, while Jake and Bridget who stayed seated at the table, were already in a discussion. Vera dragged Alice to the table and all heads turned to them.

-Everyone this is Alice, Alice this is Bridget she is a forensic psychologist here, I asked her to help with the inmates until you get settled and if the demand is too high. This is Jake, he is an Officer and this is Will, he's the Guvna'.  
-Governor.  
-Olivier.  
-You two know each other ? Inquired Vera.  
-No.  
-Yes.

Both Will and Alice looked straight into each other's eyes. Alice wasn't going to start lying to Vera nor these people, it was already hard enough being who she was, she wasn't going to give them reasons to doubt her motives.

-You guys should sort your story straight, said Jake from above his newspaper.  
-Bridget Westfall, I never thought I'd see you again.  
-What are you doing here Alice ?  
-I called for her.

All heads turned to Vera, who seemed displeased with Will and Bridget's reaction. She turned around and saw Linda checking in.

-Miss Miles, come over please.

Linda looked up and saw the whole table looking at her.

-Is everything alright ?  
-Yes, don't worry. Alice this is Linda Miles she's the Deputy Governor, Linda this is Alice Olivier she's the new psychologist.  
-Oh, nice to meet you. I hope you're not afraid of getting punched in the face.  
-Likewise, and no far from it. I heard you were forefront in the action during the siege. If you ever feel like talking, I'll be glad to hear you out.

Linda and Jake were taken aback by the cool tone of her voice, almost emotionless, the blonde nodded and left hurriedly. Alice turned towards the table slightly confused.

-Did I say something wrong ?  
-It was a traumatizing experience, try to be a bit more laid back about it, advised Jake.  
-He means warmer... Added Vera.  
-I'm not here to coddle anyone during breaks, but I'll put on my best "normal behavior" during the sessions.  
-Yeah people like you can't help it can't they, reproached Will.  
-I will not take time out of my day to answer that, if you want to behave like a child then I'm not the person you should be talking to. 

Jake chuckled and stood up, putting his cup in the sink. 

-Vera, why did you call for her ?  
-What do you both have against her ?  
-Vera, the brunette turned to Alice who had a knowing look on her face.  
-Oh come on, I can't believe you are going to use that against her.  
-Last time we had a psychopath here you know very well how it ended, snapped Will. 

Alice noticed the distinct twitch in his voice and the lump in his throat, Vera had lowered her head before looking at the people around the table. 

-You're a psycho ?  
-Jake for Christ's Sake!  
-It's alright Vera, I can handle that. Yes mister... Stewart, you can even say psychopath which is as it happens, the correct term.  
-And you work in corrections ? He asked incredulously.  
-No, not only. I mostly work with other people who sadly have this predicament, but also who you call sociopaths as they share common traits with psychopaths. I also sometimes work with children who experienced traumas, as well as adults. Must I give you my resume or are we all going to behave like adults and cut this discussion to an end ? 

Vera was looking rather pleased at how Alice had handled the situation, her cool and emotionless voice had always left her perplexed, yet after years of being her friend she had learned to notice the slight twitch of her lips or even the tightness in her jaw. Though she was wary at first, she was nothing like her. Jake lifted his hands in retaliation and left the room taking his talkie with him a definite smile on his lips. 

-Now that this is clear, Bridget, can we go to the office now or are you going to keep on bullying her on her first day ?  
-Vera, after what happened how can you react like that ?  
-Bridget, I know Alice and unlike the person we're thinking of, she has never hurt me. She has always been honest.  
-Who are you talking about ?  
-A former inmate and Governor.  
-An inmate was Governor ?  
-You didn't hear of it ?  
-No Bridget, otherwise I wouldn't ask. I was away for studies and cared very little about such content.  
-It's a long story, which I'll have to tell you everything about.  
-Vera. 

The brunette turned to Will who was giving her a cold stare, but she didn't back away, she straightened her jacket and raised her eyebrows, making Alice glad to see her toughened and standing tall. 

-I don't think I need to have your permission Will to tell my friend and now colleague what happened, especially if it allows her to understand our history better. Now Bridget. 

Vera turned her heels taking Alice by the arm, leading her away. Bringing her closer and pointing at the rooms they passed.

-What do you think ? asked Bridget.  
-We can't trust their kind.  
-Will, she's not Ferguson. She was, shall we say, one of a kind.  
-That doesn't change anything, these people can't be trusted. Do you...  
-What ?  
-Do you think she is honest, was it all just an act ?  
-I can't tell just yet, but maybe just like Ferguson, she thinks she has her shit together. All we need is to stir it up and see what comes up.  
-Could you ? Do that I mean...  
-Sure, I'll see you at lunch break, if not before.

Bridget stood up taking the files in her arms and going towards the office, leaving Will alone. He looked at the bottom of his coffee cup and closed his eyes just briefly, but it was enough to remember the chilling cold of that night.

* * * * * 

Bridget entered the office and found Vera laughing while moving boxes and Alice a genuine smile on her lips, a lively atmosphere hanging in the air. 

-Ah ! Bridget, I was just telling Alice how everyone hates coming here, it's just insane they know they need it, but they just won't talk. All because of that stupid rule.  
-Maybe we shouldn't bother Alice with unnecessary information.  
-Do you mean don't press the panic button and don't include the Officers ? Every facility has these rules, but I guess the punishment differs from one facility to the other.  
-I forgot you knew about that first hand. 

Vera stopped was she was doing, turning to Bridget her eyes blazing while Alice took a box in her arms and gave it to Bridget with a smile. 

-Make yourself useful and sort the files of the prisoners still in the centre and those who are no longer there. I want to be able to discern them just by looking at them.  
-Order seems important to you too.  
-Why do you need the files of the ones no longer here ? Cut Vera.  
-Because each and every inmate here has a story, and that story is linked with everybody else's. Know one and the others will follow. Any inmate I should read first ? What about that Governor ? What's the name ?  
-Maybe start with the living, the dead won't go anywhere, they can wait. Marie Winter could be a good start.

Alice was scanning Bridget who gulped under the power of her stare, she looked at Vera and saw her nod at the name, her jaw tightening significantly, making her think. If Vera agreed with such a statement, then it's exactly where she was going to begin.

-Alright, Marie Winter it shall be. Vera can you, yeah that box, put it there. Thank you.  
-Bridget, I asked you in today to help not to sit on your ass, come on, the sooner we do this, the sooner we're finished. Vera paused to think before turning to her friend. So when can you come ?  
-Depends when we're both free. You should come over, maybe we should ? I mean what suits you best. Anyway, the girls could meet.  
-You have children ? Asked Bridged.  
-A daughter, about to turn nine.  
-Do you have a picture ? Oh my god, Bridget come here. She's so gorgeous, she doesn't look much like you though...

Bridget let go of the box and went next to Vera,. Her eyes fell on the picture and for a moment thought her eyes had deceived her. She shot a look at Vera who seemed to have had the same thought and back at Alice who was smiling softly. 

-You'll see Vera they grow fast, especially at this age.  
-I bet, but honestly, I can't wait for her to grow, babies are so hard to take care of.  
-In a few years you'll think back to that and say you wish she still was, said Alice softly.  
-Bridget what's the matter ?  
-Nothing, I just, can you excuse me for a minute ?  
-Yeah, sure... What was that ?  
-She's going to go and tell Will or just read my file, whichever that may be.  
-Tell him wha.. Oh... How can you even tell ?  
-You still ask after all these years ?

Alice turned the gaze to Vera, giving her the same look as earlier and Vera sighed before rolling her eyes. 

* * * * * 

-Hey again, may I enter ?  
-Sure Bridget, is everything alright ?  
-Yeah, yeah, hum you wouldn't happen to have a file on Alice Olivier by any chance ? Prison or else ?  
-I do, why ?  
-I'd like to read them, see if everything is in order. Did you read them ?  
-Didn't need to.  
-Why is that ? I understand Vera knows her from someplace, but you ? 

Will looked around his office and closed the door before sitting back down. Bridget looked up from the file unsure as to what to say next. 

-You won't see it in the files, but..  
-What is it ?  
-Back when I was a social worker I, hum, I had a bad experience. An inmate had to have her baby removed.  
-Removed ?  
-Yeah, the Governor thought it would be bad for everybody, a distraction, the girl was distraught.  
-Who wouldn't be ?  
-I did what I thought was right, right for the baby.  
-But you regret it ?  
-Sometimes I do, and then she was killed by the inmates.  
-Wha... Why would they do that ?  
-Because she and Ferguson were in a relationship. They hanged her in the stairway.  
-Ferguson was the screw ?  
-Yes, at Blackmoore.  
-Ferguson... Always about her... Everybody she touches dies.  
-She cared. As much as it costs me to admit it, she truly cared for the girl.  
-You think she did ?  
-I know she did.  
-What makes you think that?  
-Because of her Vendetta against me, but also, she asked another inmate to watch over her when she couldn't, that inmate, no one dared to cross her. She and the inmate were... Friends as far as I know.  
-And who was that guardian inmate ?  
-Alice Olivier.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hum.... So Alice knew Ferguson, I wonder what that could mean for the future *grin*  
> (Honestly I don't even know XD I'm writing this as I go and don't have a definite plot line, just random ideas popping out of nowhere XD)

-These are the blocks, I don't need to tell you what they're for. You can ask to see any inmates you think needs to talk, or if you deem appropriate to assess someone. The Guvna' and I can also send inmates to you if we deem it necessary. You should also try to be present if inmates have been attacked or..  
-Vera, don't worry I know the drill and you know they won't lag.  
-Doesn't mean we can't try, Vera smiled before opening the gate, This is the highlight of my day, let me show you around, please ?  
-Were you that eager to have me back ?  
-Of course silly, you can meet with the peer worker as well, outside of sessions if need be.  
-Have you appointed a new one yet ?  
-No, we were waiting to see who was still here and what new inmates we were going to have. They are supposed to arrive today, normally during the afternoon.  
-And Top Dog ?  
-No word about that so far, though we have an idea as to whom it might be.  
-Care to share ?  
-Allie Novak. She gravitated around the former Top Dogs, she did get rid of the man who killed inmates during the siege.  
-I see, and what do you think of her ? Her personality, her behavior.  
-She isn't even there yet and you're already trying to size her up.

Alice laughed and Vera stopped, turning to face her.

-She... I think she'll be a good Top Dog. I've seen my fair share of them, and she seems like a good pick. At least with her, we'll be able to talk, have a discussion and not always wonder if we're gonna get stabbed in the back.  
-Who was the last Top Dog ? For you to say that she must have been pretty awful.

Vera's face dropped, she looked dead into Alice's eyes, she turned her heels and felt her heart race in her rib cage. Marie Winter was worse than awful, she was worse than Joan. Wait what ? Alice sighed biting the inside of her cheek, when was she going to learn not to be that straightforward. She looked at Vera and lifted a hand to touch her shoulder, she awkwardly patted her, making Vera turn her eyes a bit watery.

-We really need on your comforting skills, she said laughing.  
-I'm sorry, if I said something...  
-No, it's me. It's just, she's... She was the woman they were trying to take out of the centre during the siege. She was with them.  
-I clearly should just be "normal" all the time.  
-Don't, if you do, people will really start to think you're lying to them. I'd better have you speaking your mind than not.  
-Thank you Vera.  
-What for ?  
-Your support. I mean... I know what I can do, what I've done. But I also know that I don't know, that maybe even with all the things I've tried to change and learn about myself, maybe somewhere deep inside there is still that anger, that want, that need to hurt people because I can, because I have the smarts for it. You know people are quick to judge. And I'm... You know... I'm not the one to make friends...

Vera's jaw tightened when she heard the last words, reminiscent of her last diner with her former mentor, how she too stumbled to have the words, her thoughts, come out into coherent sentences. She had almost refrained herself to snap at her when she got a glimpse of her that, vulnerable. But if there was one thing she had taught her, was to assert herself no matter who was in front of her. And she had proven to her that she didn't care, that she only saw her as diseased.

-Earth to Vera, are you alright ? Ve ?  
-Hum ?  
-You were far away, like away from these walls for a moment. Everything alright ?  
-Yeah... Yeah sure, I'm sorry, you were pouring your heart out, I zoned out...  
-That's okay, we can talk about that when we're out of here. So what now ?

Vera was about to answer when she felt vibrations coming from her pocket, she took out her Bipper and furrowed her brows.

-What is it ?  
-It's Will.  
-What does the Governor want ?  
-I don't know... Come.

* * * * *

-You can't confront her like that, she'll lie to you. Started Bridget.  
-I want to know. We need to know, she could be a danger to all of us.  
-She'll size us all up, and she'll find out if you..  
-They're here. Jake just, don't say anything.  
-Mate, why not just asking her.. Tried Jake.

Vera opened the door, stepping in before Alice. The friends looked at each other before returning their gaze to the people filling the room.

-Will is there something wrong ? What happened ?  
-Sit down, Vera was about to move but Will stopped her, No not you, Alice.

Vera looked at Bridget and Jake trying to make out what this was all about and let out an exasperated sigh. Alice sat in the chair, relaxed and neutral.

-What is this about ? Snapped Vera  
-You might want to listen to what they have to say.  
-Don't you even start with me. What is going on, Will ?

Will stared at Vera before sitting back on his chair, Alice looked around and saw Bridget's eyes fixed on her. Alright, a setup, which part did they read that did not agree with them.

-I guess that means you read my files. So what's it going to be ?  
-Will this is totally unneces..  
-Vera, stop. We did not read the entirety of your files.

Vera dropped her arms to her sides before looking at Bridget and Jake.

-Did you engineer this ?  
-I didn't know anything until ten minutes ago, please Vera, just listen.

She raised her hands in retaliation and crossed them on her chest, visibly displeased.

" _She is not Joan, she is not Joan. Joan was different._ "

-Alice, how did you come to hear about this position ?  
-Will this is ridiculous..  
-Vera stop it or get out.  
-It's alright Vera. I can manage a setup. How come I heard that you needed a psychologist ? Vera called me, because she trusts me.  
-And would you say that she is right to trust you ? Inquired Will.  
-It's not because you deem me untrustworthy that Vera does. She saw beyond the "I'm a psychopath, a manipulator, a liar, etc, etc". For my sanity amend the record. Are you gonna keep staring at my face or say something ? If not, you should know that it's now considered impolite to do so, she said her gaze blazing at Bridget.  
-You said you have a daughter.  
-I don't remember saying it to you. But I can easily guess who thought it was important to report that. Remind me, Bridget, to never tell you anything, since you are so prone to betray people's trust like that.

Vera's breath hitched, and she turned towards her friends. Betrayal for having said too much personal stuff, this was oddly familiar.

-How's your daughter ? How has she been ?  
-Compared to what, Will ? Compared to the general population, she is considered a genius. Compared to me, she is a normal being.  
-Why the defense mechanism ? 

Alice turned her head ever so slightly towards Bridget, her eyes scanning her.

-Well you tell me. You're the ones setting me up. Being noisy enough to ask questions to which you don't deserve an answer to. Now, will you tell me why you asked me here. Because my daughter is not the issue so it seems.  
-So you're condescendingly avoiding the question.  
-Out of mind your own business and get straight to the point. It might not look like it, but I am here to work and make the best out of it.  
-Alright, Blackmoore.  
-What about it ? What is there about it that you wish to know ?  
-You were there when you were a teen correct ?  
-Yes, obviously.  
-And how did people perceive you ?  
-Officers or Inmates?  
-Both.  
-I was respected.  
-Just that ?  
-Feared as well, at least people did not try to hurt me when I was there. They were afraid that if they hurt me I would kill them.  
-How did that make you feel ? To know you had that power over them.  
-Well, all-powerful, but I fail to see the relevance of that.  
-Will, I already know all of that, leave her be.  
-I'm getting to the point, give me a few more minutes.

Will gave Vera a pleading look before turning back to Alice who straightened her back and breathed out, seemingly bored.

-Alright. Just say what you mean.  
-Back then you were asked to protect an inmate, were you not ?  
-Yes, I was.  
-Was it this inmate ?

Will took out a picture of Jianna Riley, and Vera nearly gasped. She recognized that picture all too well, as former her mentor had seen fit to smack her cheek after she had thought Vera had plastered her walls with hundreds of them. To later on discover that it was Fletcher and Bea's doing. She looked at Bridget and Jake before turning her gaze towards Will.

-Yes it was her.  
-Why were you asked to protect her ? What was in it for you ?  
-Because the person was afraid the other inmates would hurt her. She was weak compared to the women there and got into Blackmoore for a minor incident she didn't commit, she was not a bad person. She just made a mistake. She didn't deserve to be there and nothing was in it for me.  
-Do expect us to believe you did this deed out of the goodness of your heart ? Interrogated Bridget.  
-Why would they hurt her ? She doesn't strike as the type of person to get into trouble, asked Will while giving Bridget a cold stare.  
-She and the Officer were in love, it didn't pass well with the inmates. But you already know that.

At this Vera's jaw dropped, she looked at Will and then Alice who turned to her, her brows furrowed slightly. Jake was leaning on the wall still trying to wrap his head around everything Will had told them. It did sound paranoid to a certain extent but knee-deep as they all were, they needed to know. Bridget couldn't quite make out much from her face, but one thing she was certain was that so far she had not lied, she was taking her time to answer but nothing alarming despite the very psychopathic answer towards power and dominance.

-Was it this Officer ?

Will reluctantly took out another picture from a folder, which did not go unnoticed by Alice, and she smiled when she saw the picture, making Bridget retract from the desk. Vera was looking at the picture, her jaw and arms hanging, she had no idea what was going on, nor what Will was trying to do. But she didn't like it. Alice knew Joan, she knew her. How come she never came up in the discussions ? Had Vera never mentioned her ?

-You already know the answer to that, as well.  
-You know her ? Asked Vera.  
-That's _Joan_. She had asked me to protect her.  
-What was your relationship with her ?

That sent Alice's sirens on, something was off. Will Jackson knew most of the answers to the questions he was asking, what was he after then ?

" _Think, think, think. Get yourself out of this._ "

Alice smiled and took the picture in her hands, pointing at her face.

-She was one of the best Officers until Jianna was killed. She was fun, wouldn't think so looking at her, and gorgeous too but that everybody knew. Why do you ask ? You know her ?  
-Alice stop playing with us.  
-I don't understand ? Why you asking me about her ?  
-Stop the "normal" act, started Bridget her hands now resting on the desk.  
-When was the last time you saw her ? Inquired Will.  
-I'd say six years ago.  
-Do you expect us to believe that, snapped Bridget.  
-Well yes, since I was not even in Australia.  
-Where were you then ?  
-What's the point in reading my files if you ask me the questions anyway ?  
-It's your prison file, not the...  
-I would have been more cooperative if you had started by that. Alright. I left six years ago because I wanted and had the opportunity to attend schools in Europe. Mostly France and England. Attend seminars, talk to people, help researches, be a little guinea-pig.  
-And this woman ?  
-Joan ? Haven't seen nor heard of her ever since I left, Alice smirked and lifted her chin, You all probably know more about her than I do if you ask me.  
-Why didn't you tell me you knew her ?

Alice turned to Vera, her face blank, while Vera's gaze was going from the picture to her friend. Alice looked at everybody before turning back to Vera.

-Why would I tell you ? It's not as if you knew the woman. There was no reason to bring her up.

The room fell silent as Alice looked at everybody present, she turned back to Vera whose face was pure shock and she put the picture down. She was about to speak when knocks filled the room and Will stood.

-Enter.  
-Governor, the inmates are back. The bus is at the gate.  
-Alright, thank you. We'll continue this conversation later.  
-Will, you've done enough. Drop it. Come on Alice.

Alice looked at Bridget and Will expressionless and left the room with Vera holding her arm, her head toward Alice's, talking. Jake got on his feet and went next to Bridget.

-So what do you think?  
-Except her distinct psychopathy which she didn't bother hiding, I didn't sense anything else.  
-So she wasn't lying ?  
-Not as far as I know.  
-Now how are you going to explain that to Vera ? Maybe they hated each other, tried Jake.  
-Jake did you even listen to her ?  
-Okay, she said she was good looking and funny so what ? It's a crime ? It's not as if they were going to be friends with their condition. I thought you said they couldn't care nor love. Problem solved.

Bridget and Will looked at each other, obviously Jake was right but that didn't mean they had to like it. Will sighed and passed the door followed by his friends.


	3. Chapter 3

Alice and Vera stepped out of the centre, both taking deep breaths which did not go unnoticed. Vera held on tighter to her arm before letting go, joining her hands behind her back. Will, Jake, and Bridget came out and Alice put on a neutral face. She turned her head and made a pitiful excuse of a smile before looking at the bus, intrigued. The doors opened and inmates started to come out, the rumbling of voices becoming more persistent. Teal tracksuits filling the area. Alice saw some of the inmates smiling, whereas some were making a six feet long face probably dreading to come back after what happened.

-Miss Bennett !

Everybody turned toward the bus as a woman climbed down accompagnied, Alice saw quite a few people smile as she walked by and turned toward Vera who seemed to reciprocate. She must be the Novak woman. The blonde stopped in front of them and took out her hand, which Vera shook gladly. Before looking at the woman next to her.

-Hey Miss Bennett.  
-Nice to see you Jenkins.  
-How's little Grace ?  
-She's fine, thank you. I think I'll have to make the presentations at some point.  
-Really ? I mean it wouldn't be a problem ay ?  
-Not at all, I owe you and... Liz... a lot.  
-Ay... Thanks Miss Bennett.

Boomer passed the door and Vera gaze fell back on the blonde, a smile gracing her lips.

-I see you changed your hair.  
-Yeah, needed a change. Who's that ?  
-Alice Olivier, the new psychologist. Alice this is Allie Novak the one I told you about. I thought it would be better for the inmates to talk to a new face.  
-Good pick. Hey Mister Jackson, Stewart. Miss Westfall, Miss Miles, said Allie nodding toward the blonde.  
-Good afternoon Novak.  
-So... Started Vera.  
-What ?  
-Who's Top Dog ?  
-Who do you think?

Allie walked past the screws and the rest of the inmates followed her. Alice grinned and understood what Vera meant, her exposure to the other Top Dog gave her enough knowledge and confidence to rise to that position as well. Hopefully, she also had the physical strength. She'd have to ask her about that.

-This went alright…  
-You expected something bad to happen ?  
-Nobody ever knows with them, one minute they're all over you, the next they want to shiv you.  
-What was that this Jenkins ?  
-It's a long..  
-That's part of the long story. Finished Alice.  
-Yeah, you'll just come over during the week and I'll fill you up on that.  
-You don't seem convinced.  
-Let's say an evening seems rather short to even begin to explain what happened here during the past few years.

They both turned toward Will, Jake, and Bridget and Vera took Alice inside, a disapproving look hardening her soft features.

-Don't pay attention to them. They probably just wanted to throw you off.  
-Why ? It's as if they knew Joan. Which they couldn't because...  
-What ?

Alice had stopped at once, her brain working like crazy. Every piece of the puzzle coming together, she looked up to Vera who suddenly seemed worried.

-Alice are you okay?  
-Will Jackson...  
-What about Will ?  
-He was the social worker who took Jianna's baby away... Joan...  
-Joan what ?  
-Joan thought it was what killed Jianna. I...  
-Everything alright here ?

Alice looked behind Vera her expression returning to stone once more. Will was walking towards them while Jake followed the inmates and Bridget spoke to Miss Miles.

-Everything is fine Governor. If you're looking for me, I'll be in my office sorting out the numerous files left to rot. Tell Bridget I expect her here and I expect her to work this time, feel free to pass by during the afternoon, okay ?  
-Sure...

Alice left rapidly towards her office and when she closed the door, she let her back rest on it, her shoulder finally relaxing, her eyes closed, her breathing steady. She could distinctly hear the roar of the inmates as if she was back there, held down, Jianna trying to get away. When she opened her eyes, scanning her environment, grounding herself, she regained her stone face and looked around to the multitude of files scattered everywhere.

-This is going to take more than an afternoon...

* * * * *

-What on earth was that about ?  
-Vera, calm down.  
-Don't even pull that on me Jake ! Do you even realize what you did was unprofessional ? Or that didn't cross your mind ? Let me guess, it didn't, like for Marie !  
-Vera what we were trying to do...  
-I called you back here because you know some of the inmates, because I thought you could help her get settled ! Not set her up !  
-Are you even going to let us defend ourselves ?  
-Defend yourselves from what ? A dead woman ? A ghost ? Goddammit, Will, you said you buried her, we saw a body.  
-Volume, said Jake.  
-They never confirmed that it was hers.  
-So what, we go back to being scared of being slapped by black leather gloves ? I'm sorry but I won't go back to that.  
-Vera, she knew her.  
-So what ? You don't know if they were in contact, you don't know if they spoke much during Blackmoore ! And even if they did talk, who cares ?

Vera was enraged, she never thought out of everything her friends could do, they would do that. Then again, Will, whom she considered her closest friend, had buried someone alive, so maybe her judgment needed an update.

-Listen, I don't pretend to understand why you did what you did. But Alice is my friend, I've known her for a while now. She has never lied to me nor manipulated me. She has always been honest and told me when we first met she was a diagnosed psychopath, that there might be a possibility that she would lie, because oh you know, old habits die hard.  
-Did she ? Lie I mean, asked Bridget.  
-No !  
-Vera, we were just trying to cover for ourselves.  
-Maybe you wouldn't have had to do that if Will had not taken it upon himself to **BURY HER ALIVE !**  
-Keep your voice down !  
-Vera ?

She was already exhausted, great. She let her arms rest along her body trying to calm her nerves.

" _-My gosh, what am I going to do with them ? Alice was nothing like her, change is always difficult in the beginning, but she worked for it._ "

-What Bridget ?  
-Are you angry because we do not entirely trust your judgment about Alice ?  
-Of course I am, I'm part of this team, like I've been for at least two decades now, and it seems my opinion still falls to deaf ears.  
-Okay, do you regret it ?  
-Regret what ? Jesus, stop with the riddles !  
-Do you regret Will burying Ferguson ?

Vera's lips parted in disbelief, of course she did. She saved the woman from the lynching because she couldn't bear to see her suffer like that. She would be lying if she said she felt nothing for Joan, deep down Vera truly had cared for her, she thought of her as a friend and mentor, and more, even if there was it was one-sided, she still bore in her the idiotic thought that maybe Joan truly cared too at some point. Just like Alice in her own way, way she probably dismissed out of not knowing. Just the thought of Joan trapped in that box, how she must have felt, was enough to make her stomach twitch.

-Vera ?

She looked at her friends and before she even realized what she said, the words had already slipped from her lips, surprising everybody as well as herself.

-No one deserves to be buried alive, not even her. Not even after what she's done. I saved her because I cared and I still do, call that Stockholm syndrome but... I... I would save her again and prevent you from sealing her in that box if I could ever go back in time.

Vera turned towards the door and left slamming it, leaving everybody speechless.

* * * * *

-Vera wait !  
-Not now Jake.  
-Please wait ! Did you mean it ?  
-What ?  
-Back there, did you mean it ? About Ferguson ?  
-Yes. I did.  
-Vera, she... She was poison to everybody.  
-And what does that make of us Jake ? We're as bad as she was ! Except that we made that decision to be like that, we had the choice to turn the other cheek and be better, yet what did we do ? Exactly what she would have done.  
-She deserved it, Vera. She hurt us. She destroyed people.  
-No, no, no, no. You cannot blame her for your own fuck ups. You let yourself be _manipulated_. I warned you, like Will did, Linda, we all did. You decided to deal with her and to let her wipe debts, and god knows what.  
-I did it because I wanted a clean start with you.  
-And in order to do that, you lied to me, and you pretended...  
-I've been trying to make up for all of that.  
-Yes well, maybe that's not possible ! Maybe you hurt me more than she did because you were just blindly following her orders.  
-She hurt you too !  
-I took her job and got her incarcerated, what did you expect from her ?! She thought I broke her trust ! She and I were played !  
-Why are you defending her ? She doesn't deserve what you're doing for her !  
-Maybe you're right ! Maybe I am defending her out of fucking guilt for what happened ! We'll never know now, will we ?  
-After everything that she's done to you, all of it... You still defend her. Why ? She's hurt you more than anybody here.

Vera stopped walking and tilted her head towards Jake without looking at him, she sighed and kept on walking towards her office. Leaving Jake under the persistent gaze of their colleagues.

* * * * *

-I'm sorry about earlier...  
-About what ? Setting me up or just blandly trying to prove I'm not to be trusted to boost your ego ?  
-I deserve that..

Bridget stopped mid sentence when she saw Alice take black leather gloves out of her bag, placing them next to her coat, carefully folding them. She watched her as she turned to face her, unbothered by the uneasyness she had caused.

-Listen, I don't know what I've ever done to you, but if you have something to say to me, at least have the decency and professionalism to say it to my face. Because so far you make a terrible colleague.  
-So much for the charms... It's not that. Not about you specifically.

Bridget looked around trying to gather her thoughts, when she looked up she saw that she was not going to make this easy for her, fair enough. Bridget was not going to make it easy for her either.

-Everybody here has been through a rough patch. Well more like rough patches...  
-What does this have to do with me in any way then ?  
-I don't know if I should be telling you any of this.  
-You owe it to me after what happened, with the lot of you. And it's not as if I asked for details, merely what it has to do with people like me. And why on earth were you all so interested in Joan ?  
-She was the Governor here a few years back. Roughly four years back.  
-And.  
-And she did some reprehensible things.  
-Hum, you think I'm going to fall for that ? Is that it ?  
-It's not what...  
-Or maybe you'd like for me to tell you her darkest secrets, her most private thoughts ?  
-It's in her file, file which is in that box on the sofa. The one at the top of the pile. I made it with the help of colleagues here...

Alice scoffed and opened the box of inmates no longer present at Wentworth and took the first file in her hands, opening it, sure of herself. When she saw the picture she turned white, the little amount of color present on her face gone, leaving her with the ghastly color. She traced the picture with her finger, unable to focus on the words written on the page in front of her eyes. 

" _-An inmate who was Governor... Fuck, Joan._ "

-Still thinking I'm lying ?  
-Get out.  
-Excuse me ?  
-I said, get out.  
-Okay. Bip me if you need anything.

Bridget left the room, and fell face to face with Will and Jake.

-How did it go ?  
-She seemed a bit shaken. I don't think she knows what she's done in the course of her stay as both Governor and inmate. She isn't lying. But something doesn't line up.  
-What do you mean, asked Jake.  
-She hasn't seen her in years, she was an Officer, she was an inmate, she seemed to like her to a certain point.  
-What do you reckon ?  
-I don't know yet, but I intend to find out. Don't mention that to Vera.

* * * * *

She was walking down the corridors she once considered home, their colors had faded slightly and some tiles were cracked, but overall it still looked the same. Though nothing was as it was when she arrived, these walls had seen so much, and were probably going to see so much more in the years to come. But at this point, she didn't give it much thought because she was home. She went toward her cell, seeing that nothing had been touched during their stay away. A bittersweet feeling started creeping through her and she tried to shake it, she was Top Dog now, things were going to move and maybe things were going to get better now. Hopefully, they wouldn't dare to release Marie into the general population, she would not be able to lay a toe outside that she would get teared apart, yet she knew Mister Jackson could probably be blackmailed since he was involved with her before he discovered her plan to escape. Yes, things were going to change here.

 _-Home sweet home ladies._  
-Feels weird, being back here.  
-It'll be alright Boomer, as long as we stick together.  
-I don't think I can do it...  
-What do you mean ?  
-Going back to the... you know... I mean it's where they...  
-Boomer it's going to be fine, we'll go down there and everything will be fine, we'll own it. We have to, for them.  
-I know Allie but...  
-What ?  
-Things won't ever be the same now, ay ?  
-When have things ever stayed the same long in this place ? Scoot over, let's watch Tv ay ?  
-Ay, okay I missed that.  
-Me too, me too...

But some things would always stay the same.


	4. Chapter 4

Alice closed the door, making sure to lock twice, she took off her coat and shoes, before taking off her gloves, laying them on the wooden surface, finally feeling able to relax. She untied her hair from the ponytail and passed her hands through it. She heard footsteps and saw a little girl appear from the living room, she put the files she had in her arms on the table and the girl gave her a hug.

-Mom !  
-Moya malen'kaya devochka (My little girl), how was your first day of school here ?  
-Boring, lessons are too easy.  
-I know but don't... Try not to dwell on it, alright ? And the house ? Remember it ?  
-It's our house !  
-Yes, it is, it stayed the same actually.  
-Really ? Are you sure ?  
-Yes, still the same as when you were much younger than this. This little.  
-Was Mama there ? Tell me where she liked to stay, please Mom !  
-Alright, she was there, and she loved that big armchair over there, she would have never admitted it though. You know she had her own place too.  
-I know, I miss her...  
-Me too, but cheer up you are coming to work with me tomorrow.  
-Really ?  
-Yeah I can't have my girl bored, I'll try to find stuff on the computer and print it for you to do tomorrow, how do you like it ?  
-Can I do science tomorrow ?  
-I'll see what I can find, anything else ?

The little girl seemed to be in deep thoughts when Alice tightened the grip on her arm softly.

-You could always read the book I bought you, it would help you keep your French. Alright, I'm hungry how about diner ?  
-Yeah !

Alice nodded to the girl in her arms and left toward the kitchen to prepare diner. It felt so strange being back here after all this time away. Six years, was quite some time, she had expected the house to be bought, but little did she know, she, had made sure the house stayed hers. Maybe she had thought of them during their stay away. They finished diner talking about school and work per usual and Alice put Frannie to bed. When she came back downstairs she opened her computer and went on Google, her fingers lingering above the letters, a lump forming in her throat. She typed on the computer and when the results appeared on her screen her face hardened, she could feel her eyes watering but no tear dared to escape. Alice looked up to her daughter's room before looking back at the computer, gently tracing something on the screen. She couldn't let it show, not at work. She looked to her right on her desk, to the pile of files and took the third one, placing it on top. Alice opened it and started reading, peaking at her screen from time to time. Joan had really screwed up this time. But she had bigger fish to catch.

* * * * *

Alice was seated on the sofa in her office, going through files, when there was none on the pile next to her, more was added to the already precarious piles of files she was sorting out. She looked up from the file she had in front of her and gazed at her daughter who was reading on the ground. She was taken out of her thoughts when the door opened on Vera, whose face displayed surprise.

-Alice, hi !  
-Hey, please come in. Frannie come here a minute. Vera this is Frannie, Frannie this is Vera. She's a friend and a colleague.  
-You're Ve, Mom spoke of you often.  
-Well I'm glad to hear that, hopefully, she said good things.  
-Yeah, no, I told her how terrible you were, said Alice laughing softly.  
-My, my, you two do make a pair. I mean it's weird...  
-What is ?  
-She really doesn't look like you, claimed Vera looking at both of them.  
-I know right ? It's even more striking now that she's older.  
-She reminds me of someone, I just can't, I know it's someone I used to know but...  
-It's alright, just know I didn't steal her !  
-I hope, otherwise we'd both be in trouble.  
-Ah, there you are !  
-Bridget ?  
-I was looking for you, to see if you wanted to have lunch ?  
-Oh well, Alice ?  
-Are you hungry Frannie ?  
-Yeah, can we eat with Ve ?  
-Can we eat with Ve ? Asked Alice playfully.  
-Sure let's go, wanna help me lead the way ? Great, it's this way.

Vera and Frannie left the room, leaving Alice and Bridget alone. Alice stepped closer to door, before stopping at Bridget's level.

-Are you afraid Bridget ?  
-Why would I be ?  
-Well, because you don't know whether I can be trusted or not. Let's make one thing clear shall we ? You can say whatever you want to me, I've seen worse. But if you pull one like you pulled on me yesterday on my daughter...  
-Why would I do that ?  
-Don't play with me. I am most certainly not in the mood.  
-What will you do ?  
-I'll destroy your career.  
-Threats ?  
-Yes. I should have called the board on you. Giving inmates, Governors _fake diagnosis._  
-What ? Asked Bridget taken aback.  
-Don't play dumb with me, Westfall. I don't know what caused you to let your emotions, your hatred, blind your judgment and prevail on your professionalism but I won't let you do that ever again.  
-I never gave a false diagnosis.  
-So you're implying you're incompetent ?  
-I don't even know what you're talking about.  
- _Joan Ferguson._  
-What about her ?  
-You blandly lied to her face, you called her names and you falsely diagnosed her as a psychopath. _A Psychopath._  
-I diagnosed her because it's what she was.  
-She was not. You never knew anything about her did you ? Never tried to scratch the surface ? She needed help and could have finally gotten it again and you dismissed her. I don't know what she did to you, if she ever did anything, but I won't let you do that to anybody else. Never. I'll tell your dear Governor if I must.  
-What makes you think Will would believe you ? He hated her and that will never change.  
-You know when I entered this line of work, it's because people who cared and believed in me helped me become who I am now, it's what our job is about. Yet when I read this file, I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't call the board to assess you. You know to show dominance and superiority. See you at lunch, malen'kaya devochka boitsya bol'shogo, plokhogo volka.(little girl afraid of the big, bad wolf)

Alice left the room Joan's file still in her hands, while Bridget was catching her breath and followed her footsteps thinking about what she had just heard. What had she meant by again ? What had happened the first time ?

* * * * *

Alice arrived in the room and saw Vera and Frannie seated at the table, Frannie showing her, her book and reading it to her, Will and Jake looking at the girl as if they had seen a ghost. Alice went to take their lunch from her bag, hiding Joan's Wentworth file from view, and laid it on the table, while everybody was about to start eating. Vera looked rather impressed by Frannie and kept on listening to her as she spoke in French, apparently reading from the book in her hands. Bridget arrived at that moment and sat beside Will and Jake who turned toward her. She dismissed them before looking at Alice who was smiling at her, making their heads turn to look at her.

-How did it go ? Asked Jake.  
-She didn't know.  
-For real ??  
-She threatened me as well.  
-What ? Asked Will incredulously.  
-Nothing serious, she thinks I gave Ferguson a false diagnosis.  
-Did you ?  
-Well no of course not. She displayed every sign of psychopathy, I did my job.  
-Then why would she say that ?  
-Who knows ? We tried to unsettle her, maybe it's her payback.  
-Bridget, are you sure about what you're saying ?  
-Yes Will, I am. She had no idea and has no idea about her whereabouts, or if she was to be above ground.  
-Okay, thanks.  
-You're welcome.  
-What's that word ? Questioned Vera.  
-It's mitochondria, that's the plural in English.  
-Alice, she reads in French ?  
-Yes, since we lived in France for a while I thought it would be appropriate.  
-How is she doing ? What else does she speak ?  
-Pretty good, she speaks Russian fluently as well, she has thought about taking on Greek and Japanese as of late. I might not be able to show love like she can, but that doesn't mean I cannot show it my own way.  
-Russian ? My, my, I wouldn't even dream of that !  
-Russkiy ne tak uzh i slozhen, pravda, Mom?(Russian is not that complicated, right mom ?)  
-Eto ne samoye prostoye, no s Ve tebe nuzhno govorit' po-angliyski, yesli tol'ko ona ne skazhet inache. Ponyatno ?(It's not the easiest, but with Ve, you need to speak English, unless she says otherwise. Are we clear ?)  
-Da Mom.(yes mom)  


Vera looked at the little girl next to her impressed and looked at Alice a thin smile on her lips.

-Wow, that's impressive I can barely speak two languages, said Vera laughing, what did you two talk about ?  
-Just Russian being a difficult language, but that she needs to speak english with you.  
-Does she practice any sport ?  
-I fence.  
-Fence ?  
-It's not common, started Will.  
-It teaches her to keep her focus, and discipline, interjected Alice, her mother used to fence, and I asked if she wanted to try, and she's been doing it for years now.  
-You mean full on protected and thin swords ? With the masks and everything ?

Alice raised an eyebrow at the face her daughter was making, clearly not amused by the lack of knowledge related to the sport she loved dearly. Vera repressed a laugh and took a sip of her water.

-I think you'll have to search for fencing terms, if you want to keep talking to her, said Vera.  
-Yeah, yeah I'll look it up, it's just not common to hear kids say they fence.

Frannie furrowed her brows even more, looking at Jake who rested his face in his hands, while Vera was on the verge of dying of laughter. Alice raised her brows and patted Frannie's shoulder, making her look at her.

-It's alright. Not everybody knows that sport, or would think of it. But you need to be accepting of that.  
-Yes Mom.  
-I take it back, she does look like you after all, it's striking.  
-What's her name ?  
-Frannie, said Alice her eyes on Bridget.  
-Mind if I talk to her ?  
-Frannie, do you mind ?

The little girl nodded negatively and Bridget went next to her, she kneeled and Frannie closed her book after having placed her bookmark.

-Hi Frannie, I'm Bridget.  
-Hello.  
-I'm a psychologist, do you know what that is ?  
-Yes, Mom is one as well. She tells me about her work and I tell her about mine. You know, school work.  
-Oh really ? And does that interest you ?  
-Yes, kind of, but I'd rather fence and study languages.  
-I see, does she know about you ? Is she like you ?  
-No Bridget she isn't a psychopath. And yes she knows what it is and that I am one.  
-What do you feel knowing that ? At home, I mean ? Said Bridged turning to the girl.  
-I feel okay, you know we came back to our house, Mama kept it for us. It's just as we left it, right ?  
-Yes it is.  
-Her mother ?  
-Frannie's mother couldn't come with us. That is a subject I won't discuss with you Bridget.  
-How did you feel knowing you she couldn't come with you ?  
-I can't remember I was three, but when I think of it now, it makes me a bit sad.  
-Does your mom have a name ?  
-Yes she does, what kind of question is that ? Pochemu ona zadavat' vse eti voprosy, Mom ?(Why does she ask all these questions, Mom ?)

Bridget was taken aback by the sharp come back coming from the girl in front of her and Alice smirked.

-Khorosho, Frannie syuda.(Alright, Frannie come here.)

The little girl took her book and stood next to Alice who got on her feet as well, tidying her side of the table. She touched her bun making sure it was still tidy as well and looked at the people seated next to her, who seemed to have swallowed nails at the sight of the gesture.

-I'll see you later Vera, Jake, Linda.

Mother and daughter left and Vera dropped her fork in her Tupperware. While Bridget sat down on the chair previously occupied by Frannie. Jake put the newspaper down while Linda looked at everybody unsure.

-That's an impressive daughter she's got there.  
-It went better than I expected.  
-What was that about ? Inquired Linda, baffled by the exchange.  
-Nothing that concerns you, Linda, I don't want you getting mixed up in this. I don't even want to get mixed up in this. You are awful, the two of you. It's her second day, her second day and you... You... What is it you're trying to do ?  
-We're just trying to see if we can trust her.  
-And the best way to do that is to push her over the edge ? Compare her to Ferguson ? They have nothing in common !  
-What's she have to do with any of this ? Asked Linda.  
-They are both psychopaths, that's the thing they have in common.

Vera looked over at the blonde and pushed her meal aside.

-You know I've been reading Bridget.  
-Reading what ?  
-What a psychopath is, a sociopath, how to recognize them, the big traits. How nobody but movies and us uncultured people use those terms. Yet it's the best way to be understood from people.  
-And did you find any of that interesting ?  
-Gosh, I had hoped to spend at least the first week before talking about this... Yes, want to know why ? Because it was the complete definition of who Alice is.  
-Which is not surprising since she admits it, added jake.  
-Alice is a psychopath, asked Linda shocked.  
-And you know who it did not correspond to, not entirely ?  
-No. I do not know.  
-Joan. It did not correspond to Joan. She had some of it. But the rest was junk, and I knew her better than any of you.  
-Where does that come from Vera ? Why defending her ? Asked Will.  
-Linda could you leave us please ?  
-No Linda, don't bother. I can't believe we've come to this. I'll be either in my office or with Alice. Better I'm taking my afternoon. Because know this. I don't care if I seem out of character. I don't care if you deem me defending Joan, as bad or something psychological. I cared. You never have. She let herself be _vulnerable_ with me. I 'm not sure anybody here can claim the same. I know things, things that... That I can say I relate to, we are more alike than I care to admit... She...

The room was silent, Vera knew it, she had always known. Joan only spoke to her like that, maybe she was trying to manipulate her, but a part of her knew that it wasn't just that, their last diner being proof. She knew exactly why she was defending her, but she also knew they wouldn't understand. They did not take an interest in knowing Joan Ferguson, not like Vera did. She remembered Fletcher telling her what he had just witnessed, Joan talking to thin air, talking to someone who was in her head, the words chosen, the meaning behind them. Vera knew these words all too well. She knew the feeling of never being good enough. Of being bullied, and ill-treated. She was no different from Joan in a way. The only difference was in how she coped with it, they were at the two extremes. Joan had decided to walk over people before they could walk over her, whereas Vera let herself be walked over as she didn't know her worth.

-Vera ?

The brunette was taken out of her thoughts and looked at the people at the table who seemingly had waited for her to say something. Vera took her things and left towards the entrance not listening as Will called her. She walked towards her car and entered setting her things on the passenger seat. She let her head rest on the driving weel and heard knocks on her window. She turned her head and saw Linda smiling at her. Vera smiled back and opened her window.

-Hey...  
-Hey...  
-Listen whatever that was back there, I won't mention it. It doesn't concern me.  
-Linda, it's alright. It's just I can't with them. I understand them and I understand why but I can't agree.  
-So it's true she is a Psych... I mean...  
-You can say psychopath Linda, she doesn't mind, really.  
-You sure ? Why did you want her on the team ?  
-Yeah...She's my friend Linda, I've know her for a while now. And though I'm always amazed by how detached she is, she has never lied to me, she tried to be like us. She tries all the time, but honestly, I don't want for her to be like us, I like her just the ways she is, even if that means she seems antipathic.  
-Like us ?  
-Society's definition of normal. You know showing heaps of emotions, extroverted, our definition of love. She... Her daughter, she is lucky to have a mother like hers.  
-Hey ! Grace is lucky to have you too ! You are a good mother Vera.  
-We both know I didn't have the best example.  
-So did Alice. Yet does that stop her ?  
-She is a psychopath, she thinks she is superior, Linda. That helps quite a bit, said Vera chuckling.  
-Oh... Yeah well, still...  
-Thanks though, for the kind words.  
-Wait !  
-What, what's this ?  
-Alice asked me to give you that.  
-What is it ?  
-She didn't say, but she told me to tell you, that she heard you talk to them, and that she wanted for you to have this file. She said you'd find it interesting.  
-Thanks, I'll see you tomorrow, alright ?  
-Sure, and Vera take care of yourself okay ?  
-I promise. See ya.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I would let you know on this chapter guys, I currently have 20 chapters already written and normally checked and checked again, but I'll keep on checking them a few times to make sure everything is in order :)
> 
> I don't have a beta reader(never had one), I hope my English isn't too bad as I'm French, and I hope you enjoy this story, as much as I love writing it !
> 
> So, a little chapter in which Vera dives into the files and Joan's psyche (she's dipping her pinky right now XD) more than she did in the show(sadly, don't lie to me we had HIGH HOPE FOR THEM (T_T ) ) 
> 
> Don't hesitate to leave kudos if you like it, or even comments, since I'd like to have your feedback !

Vera entered her house and made sure to lock the door twice, before taking off her shoes and coat, finally able to let go of all the tension of the day. She rid herself of her jacket and put her bag on the diner table, it's content spilling a bit. Vera made herself a glass of water and looked at the file poking from her bag. Why would Alice think she'd be interested in it ? She had heard her discussion with Will, Bridget and Jake about Ferguson, maybe she knew something they didn't ? She could feel herself growing more intrigued the second the thought had penetrated her mind, but she was unsure. Unsure if she wanted to know, did she really ? Was she ready to see the “Freak”... Joan as a human being, again, and not the manipulative, psychopathic monster they had learned to know ? So far she had never really poked into someone's life like that, except for that one time when she inadvertently found Fletcher's journal. She set her glass on the counter and took the file in her hands, opening it, she saw a paper attached to the jacket, intrigued, she turned it over and saw Alice's handwriting.

" _Mental models are deeply held internal images of how the world works, images that limit us to familiar ways of thinking and acting. Very often, we are not consciously aware of our mental models or the effects they have on our behavior._" \- Peter Senge

Vera furrowed her brows, unsure as to whom the message was referring to, and why these words specifically. She opened the first page of the file and her breath hitched. Ferguson's. Wait, not Ferguson's. Joan's. Vera sat down, she looked at the dates and the handwriting resembling the one with which the quote had been laid on paper. She flipped through the pages seeing plenty of handwritten papers, diagrams as well, interrogation marks, like someone was trying to decipher something. Or someone. The dates, the newest were dating back from six years ago, the oldest seemed to be older than ten years ago. A little over... Six years ago, being the last time Alice supposedly spoke to Joan. Vera kept on flipping through the pages and stopped. The page's content were pictures of people, she didn't recognize, until her ocean eyes found chocolate ones. She was slightly taken aback by the girl in the picture, but remembered distinctly where she had seen it. In Joan's house, near the violin. Vera brought the photo closer to her face, looking at the girl in the picture in fencing attire. She looked so much more approachable, yet there was a hardness in her features that she recognized all too well. She scanned the page to see if there were any information and it's only when she turned the page around that her question was answered, yet the names seemed unfamiliar.

"Ivan Romanov, Ioanna Anastasiya (Tasiya) Romanovna - 1974"  
"Deceased, _cause of death : killed_"  
"Joan & her father"

Vera breathed out, staring at the names in disbelief before looking at the cause of death, wondering who could have done that. Why would Alice think it's appropriate to give her that file, which was not the file they had at Wentworth, compiled by everyone there... It wasn't Wentworth's file. It was Alice's. The realization made Vera drop the file on the table, Alice had done a file on Ferguson, well Romanovna... Gosh that was by far the strangest she's read so far... Not even her name was real. Alice... She had tried to get to know her, to assess her, maybe she had succeeded ? Why revealing a good deal of information to her ? 

" _-Alright Vera, try to think like them... Alice doesn't trust people easily, neither did Joan, her being outgoing and charismatic is all about making people see what they want to see and be able to size them up. So did Joan. But Alice was her friend, Vera was hers, Alice had never lied to... Alice did lie to her, no, she had concealed information. What for ? For the greater good ?_ "

Vera scoffed at the thought that could easily fall from the lips of both her friend and her former mentor. She shook her head taking back the file, she flipped the page and what caught her eyes was a woman holding a little girl, they both were smiling at the camera, they seemed so happy. Vera flipped through the pages and saw a few more like this one, until she turned the page again and saw another picture of Joan with her father. Vera went back to the first picture with the woman and the little girl, rubbing her temples. She turned the page and her breath got stuck in her throat.

"Sasheen Vasilyev, Ioanna Anastasiya (Tasiya) Romanovna - 1965"  
"Deceased. _Suicide ? Murdered ? Left ?_"

She let the file rest on the table, her arms feeling numb, her brain empty of thoughts. Suicide ? Murdered ? Left ? How could they not know ? How did they not know ? Who was that...

"Joan & her mother"

Vera let go of the picture covering her mouth with her hands, she stood up and went towards her fridge taking out a bottle of Pinault and didn't even bother taking a glass. She sat back down taking a sip of the alcohol, before tracing the face of the little girl with the tip of her finger, her gaze shifting at the mother, the resemblance striking her. The long, ebony hair, chocolate eyes, boyish features. Why weren't there any pictures of the three of them ? Why just with one or the other ? She put the bottle down and looked at the pictures before taking her phone from her bag unlocking it, going into her messages. She stared at her screen before looking back at the file, Alice had given her the file for a reason, whatever the reason was. What did she know ? Who had she been speaking to ? Why had she done this file in the first place ? Vera drank from the bottle again, something wasn't right. 

" _-Alright Vera, focus, think._ "

-Why did you give this to me ? Why did you do this ? What did you hope to achieve ?

Vera replayed in her head the last two days which, as always, when working at Wentworth, were emotionally charged. Will knew Alice and Ferguson from Blackmoore, hence the wariness towards Alice over the last two days. He knew she knew her, but didn't know the extent of it. Jake was mostly worried that what they did would be uncovered, and a small part of Vera wanted for them to be uncovered. No one deserved that. She shook her head and put the bottle back in the fridge.

" _Focus Vera goddammit !_ "

Bridget was a forensic psychologist, it was her profession to deal with people like Alice and Joan, yet something about her diagnosis rang hollow. She had never truly seen Bridget assess her for psychopathy, never fully read the assessment because she trusted Bridget's professionalism and objectivity. Yet when Bridget had told her that psychopaths have no fear she knew something was off, Joan had fears, and a great many deals of them. It was only when Alice had told her that no one with a Ph.D. used psychopath or sociopath (except to be understood by the general population), that they were a product of fiction, to separate the branches of this disorder, something had light up, she had read about it. Many people, especially psychiatrists, forensic psychologists, criminologists, and police officers couldn't differentiate the two due to their closeness in traits and the effective manipulation of actual psychopaths.  
Her mind wandered for a moment, how come Alice had gathered all these information about Joan ? How come she got to the point of getting so close that she did a file, and for whom ? What did she think needed to be addressed ? _Did Joan ask her to do this ?_

Vera felt her eyes sting from fatigue and looked at the time. A quarter to five. How long had she been brewing over that file ? Just the thought tired her even more. She didn't bother putting the file back in order and for a second felt like she had taken a cold shower, she didn't know for how long she had been home, she was so caught up in what happened that she forgot to check on Grace. Vera rushed to her room, her breathing heavy, she stopped when she reached the door, trying to listen. Nothing. She opened the door ever so slowly and relaxed when she realized her mistake. The nanny was there next to Grace's crib, seemingly focussed in her book, so focussed that she had not been aware that Vera had come home, nor rushed to her room. Vera cleared her throat and the young woman looked up, startled. She had put her hand to her chest before letting out a sigh of relief. She stood up and went next to Vera by the door.

-Miss Bennett I didn't know you finished early today...  
-I... I didn't, I just... I was, it was a... The last two days have been exhausting.  
-At the risk of sounding condescending, it shows that you're exhausted.  
-Yeah...  
-When did you arrive from work ?

Vera opened her mouth but no sound came out, she had no fucking idea. Her mind had been so wrapped up that she had no idea about the time, she had even forgotten to check on her daughter. The young woman put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

-I can stay with Grace if you want to sleep for a while, or if you want me to leave ?  
-No, no, I'll just go to the guest bedroom, I know you need the money and I trust you, Anna. Thanks I appreciate.  
-It's alright, go, I'll look after her if she wakes up.

Vera nodded at Anna smiling softly before gazing at Grace who was sleeping peacefully, how jealous was she of such an ability to sleep soundly like that, without problems of the day weighing on you. She closed the door going to the guest's room and laid on the bed, not bothering to change her clothes. Vera arranged the pillow below her head and closed her eyes, hopefully, exhausted as she was she would sleep as peacefully as Grace. Or at least she hoped she would.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter occurs at the same moment Vera is home reading the file, just thought I'd make it clear in case I failed to do so while writing the chapter :)
> 
> PS : GUYS THAT TRAILER OMG !!!! I CANNOT WAIT FOR JULY 28th !!!
> 
> Enjoy !

Alice entered her office, her daughter's hand in hers. She had warned Bridget but since she seemed unbothered with the consequences her actions could produce, she was going to teach her a lesson. She let go of Frannie who settled back on the ground, opening her book where she last paused it. Alice saw her behave and was glad for her daughter's higher IQ, meaning a lower EQ, because it made them much more look like. She put her bag down on her desk and thought, maybe she did have to play "normal", maybe it's what was going to be needed of her even with her colleagues. She swallowed her sense of superiority and left her office, locking it. Alice started walking back to the Officers' area but stopped just before she could be seen, listening to the conversation.

-You know I've been reading Bridget.  
-Reading what ?  
-What a psychopath is, a sociopath, how to recognize them, the big traits. How nobody but movies and us uncultured people use those terms. Yet it's the best way to be understood from people.  
-And did you find any of that interesting ?  
-Gosh, I had hoped to spend at least the first week before talking about this... Yes, want to know why ? Because it was the complete definition of who Alice is.  
-Which is not surprising since she admits it, added Jake.  
-Alice is a psychopath, asked Linda shocked.  
-And you know who it did not correspond to, not entirely ?  
-No. I do not know.  
-Joan. It did not correspond to Joan. She had some of it. But the rest was junk, and I knew her better than any of you.  
-Where does that come from Vera ? Why defending her ? Asked Will.  
-Linda could you leave us please ?  
-No Linda don't bother. I can't believe we've come to this. I'll be either in my office or with Alice. Better I'm taking my afternoon. Because know this. I don't care if I seem out of character. I don't care if you deem me defending Joan, as bad or something psychological. I cared. You never have. She let herself be _vulnerable_ with me. I 'm not sure anybody here can claim the same. I know things, things that... That I can say I relate to, we are more alike than I care to admit... She...

Alice rested her back on the wall, somehow struck by the power of Vera's words. Vera could relate to Joan... Alice silently face palmed herself, cursing in her mind. Of course, Vera understood Joan, they both shared _abusive parents_ and _unhealthy environments_. _Traumatized childhoods_. Touché Vera, come after Bridget, very good. She knew she had created a bridge between them, but the thought only made smile, this would be the start of Alice teaching Bridget what it means to toss someone aside and be unprofessional. Not a painful teaching but enough to make her feel guilt and remorse. Because if the people who believed in her had had the same behavior she probably wouldn't be here and wouldn't have made such progress, and gosh did she change over the last twenty years. Why defending her ? Why wouldn't she ? Did something happen between them ? What did Joan tell Vera ? Did she even tell her the reason behind why she was doing what she was doing ?

-Vera ?

Alice listened as the room fell silent, she heard things moving and saw Vera leaving towards the entrance as Will tried to call for her without much success. Alice's brain worked like crazy, and she rushed towards her office, unlocking it, startling her daughter who looked up from her book. She didn't look at her as she took a file from her handbag and rushed back outside as quickly as she arrived. She saw Linda walking towards her and stopped in front of her.

-Linda ! Could you give this to Vera ?

Linda caught her breath, looking down at what Alice was extending to her, her eyes stuck on the gloves. She looked up an eyebrow raised.

-Why don't you give it yourself ?  
-Linda, could you ? It's important, she has to see this. I thought that it might interest her.  
-Why ?  
-I heard. What just happened.  
-You were eves dropping ? Said the blonde smirking.  
-No I caught the discussion and preferred to lay back. Could you please give it to her ?  
-Alright, and Alice, I don't... Care what you are as long as you don't hurt anyone. And I'll take you up on what you said, that session...

Alice's lips fell apart, she had not anticipated that, which didn't go unnoticed by the blonde who left with a half-smile, almost running outside. Alice looked at where she disappeared and blinked, but not because of what she said, because of the reaction it created in Alice. She had felt warmth when Linda let the words slip, she trusted her to a point where she was ready to feel vulnerable with her, and she had not judged her. Alice's lips twitched in a smile before turning neutral again, going back to her office.

* * * * *

Frannie opened the door and hung her coat, before giving her mother the keys, she placed her shoes in the rack and went to her room. She looked through her library and put the book back from where she had taken it, taking an album photo instead. She sat on her bed, her legs crossed, and opened the album flipping through the pages of pictures she had looked at, every day for the last five years. Alice had gone up the stairs after locking the door twice and was looking at the scene in front of her. She knew anybody normal would have walked into the room and asked what their child was doing if they needed anything. But Alice had stopped when Frannie had told her she didn't need to do something she didn't want to. But truth to be told, when it came to her daughter, though she was happy they needn't interact much, she still wished she knew how to bond with her in these moments. She stepped back and went to her office, she needed the calm. She took out a record of _Moonlight Sonata Op 27, No 2 by Beethoven_ , and sat in the leather chair before breathing out, her eyes lost in the void in front of her. Alice had no idea if giving Vera the file was a good idea, maybe she wasn't even going to read it, why would she ? Vera's curiosity would get the best of her assuredly, she'd want to know if Alice had more to share about Joan. Joan who probably would have thrown a tantrum if... She had been here. She wasn't here anymore, she was dead. Buried. A lump formed in her throat, her chest rising painfully. Derek Channing kept on pleading his defense, his innocence... Alice could tell he wasn't lying, but still, he had killed that woman. Murphy. Thinking it was Joan, he would have killed her, he wanted to kill her. But who had buried her then ? Alice's finger started taping on the wood of her desk, her eyes focussed on the void, the violin and piano filling the air, penetrating her ears. The police never confirmed the body was hers. It could have been somebody else, a ploy, maybe she had had a backup plan in case it turned to this. She sighed looking at the frame resting on her desk, she had been so happy when this picture was taken, the event that stirred these emotions was expected, but the afterward made her smile 'til her cheeks hurt. She had never seen _her that happy_. And she probably _never_ would again.

She didn't have the time to dwell on the thought that she received a text on her phone, she read it and called the person. She opened her laptop, going through her mails and found the one she was looking for, downloaded the files, before printing them. Alice laid them out on her desk looking at each one thoroughly, there was a pattern. She heard the person at the other end pick up, and she started taking notes.

-You've got hem ?  
-Yes. There an obvious pattern.  
-We know, but that's the problem. It's obvious and no one comes forward willingly. Maybe there's more to it.  
-And what does Howard say ?  
-He says we should refer to you if anyone comes forward, or if you want to try to talk to these women.  
-Good, child's play. Now, are these recent ?  
-No these are from a few years ago. We are currently trying to gather women would could be in the same situation, but doing so without raising suspicion is no mean feat.  
-Yes, which is why they picked us Alexander.  
-I know, I know. But do you really think the pattern is that easy ? I mean he seems to have been doing this for years. Surely he wouldn't risk it...  
-The pattern is easy because its only women, women who have no one. No relatives, friends, no one who would look for them or protect them if something bad was to happen. There is no definite range of age, which worries me if all of these are victims. Also, no one in the administration seems to care about the former allegations against him, which would mean someone is pulling strings. That could be the reason why no one dares to come forward now.  
-I'll try to see what else I can find, you tell me if you find anything or if you have an illumination, okay ?  
-No problem, we'll chat again soon.  
-Bye.

The man at the other end hung up and Alice stared at the files, scanning them. They would catch him, no matter how long it would take.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little flashback when Alice was at Blackmoore and a new inmate arrived, sparkling the interests of our favorite former Blackmoore screw ;)
> 
> PS : While rewatching Wentworth because well you know SEASON 8 IS ON ITS WAY, hum, hum, well...  
> I realized back at Blackmoore Joan had the golden crowns on her shoulders, so I don't know if she was a screw (she does have the badge saying Officer) as they claimed in the show or the Governor.  
> Would she be the Governor at that moment would be awkward since it was the Governor who said that Jianna keeping Shayne wouldn't be good, soooo.  
> I kept her as a screw :)

Alice was walking down the corridors of the correctional centre, looking around, she had been here for a few months now, and she knew the facility by heart. It's corridors, rooms, hiding places, even the cameras. Especially the cameras. The Officers and inmates all knew her name, there was no proof of her being behind the murder of her family, yet she was here, and she didn't seem to mind. It served her well as no one dared to cross her, though she was much smaller and seemingly weaker than the rest of the women here. They had all learned what she was capable of. The Officers knew better than to trust inmates but people were drawn to her, her charisma acting without her consent. Which led her to talk to the Officers more than the inmate which didn't displease her, some of them on the other side were decent, some even nice. She arrived near the entrance and saw new faces, some looking almost proud of themselves and others seemingly bored as if they knew the drill. She sat down on the bench taking in what was happening. Only one stood out for Alice, her expression impossible to decipher. She furrowed her brows and saw the girl looking at her wiping tears away from her cheeks, before looking at the Officer who told them to move. Alice felt a presence next to her and didn't turn, already knowing who it was.

-I cannot believe how many inmates have arrived here over the last few months... What has the world gone to ?  
-Maybe the world has gone mad. Or maybe it's just people like us who act upon what they know.  
- _Us_ ?  
-You might be fooling yourself but you aren't fooling me. YA tebya vizhu.(I see you.)

Joan sighed, shaking her head slightly, a thin smile on her rosy lips, she gazed at the inmates before checking her watch.

-Who is she ?

Joan looked up at Alice before staring at the inmates, her brows furrowed.

-Which one ?  
-The one who's crying.

Upon not hearing an answer Alice turned to look at the Officer and realized the pain hardening her features. Yet her eyes seemed to soften looking at her. Alice nudged Joan's shoulder and the woman looked back at her like taken out of her thoughts, she sat down smoothing her uniform.

-What was that for ?  
-You didn't answer.  
-I'm sorry I was... What did you ask ?  
-Who is she ? The one you were staring at.  
-I wasn't.

Alice raised an eyebrow and Joan blushed before looking away.

-It's _Jianna Riley_.  
-What is she in for ?  
-Her former boyfriend gave her name to the police when he was caught, a minor robbery. He is stationed at Walford along with a few of his friends.  
-Did she partake in the robbery ?  
-They claimed she did but police couldn't find her fingerprints anywhere.  
-Then why is she here ?

Alice looked up at Joan who seemed at a loss for words, before her gaze fell back on the girl.

-You know you shouldn't.  
-I'm not doing anything.  
-Why do you keep lying to yourself ?  
-I should slot you for insubordination.  
-Then why don't you do it ? Unless you deem what I said true, as they say truth hurts.

Joan was about to go to the new inmates when Alice stopped her, the expression on the girl's face striking her yet again.

-What is it ?  
-What's that ?  
-What's what ?  
-That expression... She is crying I know but...  
-It's fear... Why ?

Joan sat back down, perplexed when she saw Alice studying the girl.

-Have you never seen that expression before ?  
-You know I have, I saw it on you, what does it feel like ? Fear I mean.

Joan seemed taken aback by the question and looked at the girl whose picture was taken, making her heart sink in her chest. She felt Alice's insistent gaze and turned to her once more.

-Your hands are shaking, cold even, your guts twitch, your blood flow increases and you can feel your heart pounding in your rib cage, the thrumming in your ears amongst other things...  
-Did you feel like that during...

Joan's face hardened but when she looked to her right, her lips parted slightly. Alice had never looked as innocent as she did at this very moment, felt as teenage as she did right now, asking questions about unknown territories. The brunette swallowed the lump which had formed in her throat and nodded before looking straight ahead.

-I never felt that.  
-Never ? Not even during..  
-Just the thought is foreign to me.  
-I envy you...  
-I know. But you shouldn't.  
-Why not ?  
-Because then it would mean you'd be like me. And _you're not_ , the way you look at her proved it, again.

They heard a rumble of voices and Joan's gaze got lost on the girl, but this time it didn't go unnoticed by her. Alice saw that and smirked before raising an eyebrow, checking her nails. She heard the woman next to her sigh and brush her hair out of her face.

-Don't.  
-I wasn't going to say anything.  
-lzhets.(Liar.)

Joan looked over at Alice who suddenly seemed quite intrigued by her last word.

-You haven't taught me that one.  
-It means liar.  
-Do you want me to be honest ?  
-Yes...  
-I don't know anything about that, what just happened, that connection. But here is not the outside world, rules exist, and people can get killed for not following them.  
-I know...  
-She is good-looking.  
-She is.  
-So are you, Alice heard Joan scoff at her comment clearly dismissing her, Do you like her ?  
-I'm not...  
-I don't judge. If you like her who's got anything to say about it ?  
-I don't like people.  
-lzhets. You like me.

Alice's mouth twisted into a grin and Joan smiled genuinely. Alice patted her hand before standing up, looking down at her.

-I don't know what happened to you, I don't know what makes you repress yourself like that but take my advice, Joan. From somebody who cannot feel things like you, act upon it. Come what may, maybe you could be friends if that's what you both want. But whatever tells you to stop living, don't listen to it. I'm told that living means putting yourself into situations you might suffer from or get intense happiness. Be yourself and be proud. Because you're a strong woman, in fact, _you're the strongest woman_ I've ever met. Ty vyzhila.(You're a survivor.)

Alice left as the sirens signifying to go back to work resonated everywhere, leaving Joan seated on the bench, thinking about what she had just said. Her words contrasting with those of her father's, building a gaping hole inside her. She lifted her gaze again and found herself looking into two brown orbs, her breath caught in her throat. Maybe she could take that advice.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is kind of divided into two parts and is a bit hard to read( at least for me, and I had a hard time writing it), I don't know if it's any good but I know that it took me a while to write. And left me mentally exhausted, so yeah won't be the last gutted moment Alice will share with us all (or that will happen to Joan) !

-There you are, thank you Stevenson we'll be alright, please sit down. How do you prefer to be called ?  
-Allie's fine.  
-Alright.

Alice was seated at her office, waiting for Allie to join her in a more convivial part of the room. They both sat down and Alice smiled taking a sip of her coffee.

-So, I guess you know why you're here.  
-Yep, to talk about the siege.  
-Amongst other things yes, I'd like to start with something else, if that's alright with you ?  
-Shoot.  
-How it is you became Top Dog ? Out of everyone else that is.  
-I know the drill. I've... Known it for years.  
-Yes, Miss Bennett told me you "gravitated" around the former Top Dogs, is that correct ?  
-She said that ?  
-Isn't that what happened ?  
-Yes, but I didn't gravitate.  
-What did you do then ?  
-I was friends with some, I loved one of them.  
-I see, how long ago was that ?  
-About three years.  
-Do you still love that person ? Is that one of the reasons why this position is important to you ?  
-Obviously, you don't stop loving someone like that, not her, but yeah it's one of the reasons.  
-What are the others then ?  
-We had some pretty awful Top Dogs, and I care about the women here, so I decided that if they wanted me, then I'd step up and do my best.  
-Could you be referring to Marie Winter ? From what I heard, she pulled a number on everybody.  
-The siege was to get her out, she didn't even pass the front door. But she wasn't the only one...  
-Don't stop because of me, if I feel the need to say or ask something I will. Please proceed.  
-We had Marie alright but before her, there was the Freak, she was...  
- _The Freak_ ?

Alice furrowed her brows, surprised by the name-calling, it had happened to her before with other inmates and at Blackmoore, but she always detested it, it was so fifth grader. Allie smirked and looked at the window before pointing at the basketball hoop, leading Alice's gaze.

-It's where we hanged her.  
-Did she die ?  
-No, Miss Bennett intervened and did CPR. The bitch survived.  
-Language Miss Novak, this might be a safe place but _I won't abide name-calling_. As for Miss Bennett, she did the right thing. And where is this woman now ?  
- _Buried_.

Alice's heart skipped a beat as she looked at the woman seated in front of her. Allie was smiling victoriously while Alice took a sip of her coffee.

" _-Control yourself, be collected._ "

Alice nodded briefly seemingly unbothered by the words of the young woman.

-You mean the woman going by the name of _Joan Ferguson_ ?  
-She won't be needing that name anymore, plus the Freak sounds more appropriate.  
-I told you...  
-She wasn't even human to begin with, if you knew the things she had done.  
- _Miss Novak_.

Allie stopped at once, her eyes falling into fiery ones.

-You know you seemed quite approachable when we met yesterday.  
-And what changed ?  
-Bridget. She told me heaps about you.  
-I see. And what exactly did she say to you, Allie ? Said Alice dragging her name.  
-Stuff like you having gone to prison before, being a _psycho_ like the _Freak_ was, and also that you knew her.  
-Tol'ko to, chto mne bylo nuzhno(Just what I needed), muttered Alice, at least Bridget saved me time, that's one positive aspect of the whole ordeal. Now did she tell you, to tell me, about Joan to unsettle me ?  
-Maybe, feels like you're hiding something from them she said. Are you ?  
-Maybe. Now we aren't here to discuss myself, but you. After all, you were the one to pull the trigger on the man who helped Marie Winter. What was his name again ? Teased Alice.  
- _Sean Brody_...  
-Right, and you had never killed before, correct ?

Allie stayed silent, obviously, she had never killed before, not that she hadn't tried with Ferguson and failed deplorably. But no, she had never pulled the trigger on anybody, and she didn't think herself capable of it, but now she knew better. She touched the top of her tracksuit pushing it away from her neck before looking at the clock.

-How did it feel ?  
-Why ? You want me to say I liked it ? So that I can be like you and the Freak ?  
- _Her name was Joan_ , Miss Novak. And I only asked you how you felt when you did.  
-Empty, I felt _empty_.  
-And ?  
-I... I don't know, I was furious, he had killed Kaz, he had threatened us and Miss Bennett, he killed inmates, I... I just wanted for him to suffer, _I wanted for him to die_.  
-And you shot Marie Winters as well.  
-Yes...  
-I'm not going to ask if you regret getting rid of this man, because the answer is very likely to be no. But did you enjoy it ?  
-No, of course not.  
-It wasn't an accusation, just to confirm what we all already know.  
-And what is that ?  
-That prison changes people, they do horrible things to survive and make others fear and respect them, but sometimes, they do these horrible things to protect others, and also that you, indeed, are not like me, or Joan.  
-Why would Miss Bennett take someone like you after we had the Fre... _Her_ , she said with disdain.  
-Because Miss Bennett and I are long time friends, and she sees deeper than my mental condition, which I gather Bridget told you but failed to inform you of the progress.  
-The progress ? She scoffed  
-Yes, I'm not the woman I was twenty or so years ago. I haven't hurt anyone to the point of death in well over fifteen years, in spite of being what you call a psychopath.  
-Hum, and what makes you think that you won't ever hurt someone again, hum ? Maybe you're fooling yourself, maybe you're never going to change your insides. God knows she could never.  
-Maybe you're right.

Allie was taken aback by the soft answer, she looked at the woman in front of her trying not to show her shock but Alice could very well see it. Allie was right, she had no idea if her ill-nature would ever come up again if she would lose the control she had worked to gain, how she would react if someone she cared about was being armed. Would she kill the people involved, would she cry, she had no idea. She was so focussed on trying to control herself and try to help the people she worked with that she never really took the time to assess how much she had progressed. She clasped her hands on her knees.

-You are right, I do not know. Maybe I am fooling myself. But does that mean I can't try ? Does that mean I have to let whatever I was born with define who I am, or even who I want to be ? Maybe I'll always have that violence raging to come out, maybe I will hurt someone, but with maybes and what-ifs, we could change the world. And thinking about it won't do anybody any good. Anyways, enough about me, enough about Bridget and Joan for a moment. Why don't you tell me about the siege ?  
-What is there to say about it ?  
-You tell me, you were there, I was not, not in that one at least.  
-You have been in a siege ?  
-Yes a long time ago, and I know how ugly it can become.  
-It was... Scary...  
-How so ?  
-What do you mean ?  
-What scared you ? What aspect of the siege.  
-Every aspect, not knowing if you're going to be the next dead corpse on the floor, if your friends are going to die, or worse. The betrayal as well.  
-You mean Marie's plan to escape ? Were you close ?  
-We were together. I loved her.  
-What did it feel like when you realized that she was behind it ?

Allie glanced at Alice before looking by the window, she didn't want to talk about that, but she knew that in order to get her to talk she had to as well.

-It felt like my heart had been ripped out, numb, I couldn't form a coherent sentence, why do you ask ?  
-Why do you keep asking me, why, I'm asking you how you felt ?  
-Why not, I'm curious. How was the siege you were in ?  
-It was alright, there were casualties, people were gravely injured but we managed.  
-We managed ? What do you mean we ?  
-The Officers and I.

Allie scoffed before seeing the serious face in front of her.

-You helped the screws ? So what, you were a lagger ?  
-You can call it like that, yes.  
-You wouldn't have lasted a day here. The women here would have skinned you alive.  
-I'd still take my chances. Anyways I did help the Officers quite a few times when I was at Blackmoore, they grew fond of me.  
-So ? What's it got to do with anything ?  
-Well, you asked about the siege, didn't you ? So a little context won't hurt. I didn't lag per se, but, I used to give tips to the Officers and stop attempts at hurting both the ones behind bars and outside them.  
-Why ?  
-Because it seems like a good thing to do.  
-Are you kidding me ?  
-Yes, I am. Back at that time, I was working by the reward, they said if I helped them they would try to up some privileges and maybe try to get to with my psychologists more.  
-And you agreed to that ? More shrink ?  
-Yes, now about the siege. It was pretty much the same context as you have been. Except that it were prisoners who started it, with no help from the outside.  
-How did it go ?

At this point Allie was genuinely interested, the siege had scared her to a point she never thought she'd reach, Bea's near-death having been the worse scare of her life up until the siege. But the woman in front of her seemed so detached about it, it was almost concerning, albeit fascinating.

-Well, I didn't know until late there was a siege, what alerted me was the lack of Officers and inmates in the corridors, the alarm did not even go off. What is it ?  
-Was it before or after the girl ? Jianna.  
- _Nobody ever stays buried, right_ ? It was before Jianna. I was going down the corridors, there was an eery silence, I can't remember these corridors ever being silent, but that one time. I was due to the laundry, so I went there but while on my way I heard a rumbling of voices coming from the kitchen. I went there and it was a sight to behold. The Officers were gagged, their feet and wrists attached. There weren't a lot of inmates but enough to prevent them to rebel. What I didn't know at that moment was that the same was happening at another part of the facility, but also that a few inmates were treated like the Officers because they had no quarrel with them, so they were perceived as screw lovers. The inmates in charge were spitting insults at their faces, calling them names handling them around, passing them from one to the other. And I stood there watching, I knew very well I couldn't beat a dozen inmates, armed as they were, but I couldn't really do nothing.  
-Why not turn away and leave ?  
-I don't know. Up to this day, it's still something I ask myself and still find myself without a proper answer. But something held me there, whatever it was, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't glad.  
-Why ?  
-In the room tied up, of course, were three inmates, Marion was killed in front of everybody, Shanae became paraplegic and Jamie left the room traumatized for life.  
-And the screws ?  
-There were three women and two men going by the name of Randal Higgins who was killed as well, Chadwik Rogers, Annika Thompson, Adriana Nichols, and Joan Ferguson.  
-Wait what ? She was there ?  
-She was there. May I continue or not ?  
-Sorry...  
-Good. So with all these inmates and Officers tied up, and the dozen armed, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't take them one on one, I wasn't sure if their restraints were cut the Officers could fistfight with the inmates, I can't recall ever feeling lost but at that moment either. The Officers, their jackets were on a table, and their shirts opened like they had been ripped, I couldn't see much from where I was standing but they had blood smeared over their faces. Jamie and Thompson were crying, holding on to each other, Randal's body was next to them and a puddle of blood had started to form around him. Chadwik was trying his best to compose himself from what I could see, he tried talking to the inmates, asking them why they were doing what they were doing, why couldn't they just talk ? Nichols was tied to a chair, it's only after the facts that I learned that she had killed an inmate while trying to get them out of this situation.  
-And Ferguson ?  
-Joan was... Sitting in the middle of this chaos, she was holding on to Chadwik, fear in her eyes, I had never seen her like that before. She almost looked small, fragile, as if the slightest thing could shatter her to pieces. It was the first time I saw her cry.  
-Hmf, forgive me but I can't really see the woman who hotshot me as someone who's ever known fear, even less crying.  
-You hanged her and you're going to tell me she didn't fight ? She wasn't afraid for her life ?  
-Maybe she did. But her fearing inmates ? That would be a first. Crying, she can't feel shit.  
-She was shived on that day you know, trying to protect Marion.  
-Which one is that already ?  
-The inmate who died. Joan tried to keep her out of harm's way, but she was shived and beaten to a pulp.

Allie saw a distinct surprise in the blonde's eyes, though she tried to stifle it down, lifting her chin.

-What did you do ? You staid standing all along ?  
-Yes.  
-So you're a coward ? Cut Allie.  
-If you could let me finish you would already have your answer. I went to the laundry which was deserted and took a metal pole used by the junkies to hide their stash. When I went back upstairs to the kitchen _Joan_ was on her feet being passed around the inmates while the others were telling them _to stop, to let her go_.

Alice saw a distinct twitch in Allie's eye, she could see the difficulty she had to swallow and she saw her rub her hands. It was as hard for Allie to listen to this than it was for Alice telling it. As a matter of fact, she had never told anybody before except for the Board once the deeds were done. She felt like she was exposing herself way too much but deep down she felt a weight being lifted, easing her, allowing her to breathe once more.

-She fell on the ground, who could blame her ? She had been shived and cut like the others, an inmate tried to make her stand, at this point I don't she think she could anymore, I had no idea for how long they had been playing with them. But the inmate gripped her hair and made it collide with the wall, so to speak. She started kicking her stomach just where she had been shived, how surprising right ? That's when I entered, honestly I didn't fear for my life. The way I was seeing it like was, I have some pant up anger, I have this inexplicable need to hurt people or see how they hurt, see how they respond to wounds, it always fascinated me. So I came inside and started bashing them.  
-The screws ?  
-The inmates. Chadwik had used the "effet de surprise" to untie Nichols, and they both helped me try to stop the inmates. I remember hearing something break, a muted sound and screaming, that was when I hit the inmate over the head with the pole, she fell on the ground and I hit her abdomen again and again until I heard the same crack that I had heard a few moments ago. She had broken two of Joan's ribs, amongst other things. So I saw fit to break hers as well.  
-She didn't fight ?  
-Who ?  
-Ferguson.  
-She didn't, but not because she couldn't. She could fight alright.  
-Then why didn't she ? She took on four inmates by herself and left with a lip cut, while one had her shoulder dislocated, another a broken nose, and the others had their wounded pride.  
-You seem well informed. You were in the four I presume, Alice smirked, She didn't fight because she was afraid of what she could do. _She was afraid of turning like me._  
-And ? What happened next ?  
-Well, if you really want to know, you can always ask Bridget and the Governor, they have my file and in there, is my deposition about what happened on that day. But understand this Miss Novak, you should never judge a person if you don't know the extent of their story. It doesn't excuse whatever bad deeds they've done, but as we both know. Traumas and prison change people forever. I think it's enough for today, feel free to come back anytime, also do tell your friends to come to me if they need any more explanations or maybe read my file, because this is barely scraping the surface of what really happened.

Allie stood up, feeling heavy, her movements slowed, she passed the door without looking back, how did she know ? It was supposed to have been hidden ! Wait... She knew and she kept on telling her what "presumably" happened. Allie shook her head and followed the screw, to a different office.

Alice had stood up and was resting against the window, looking down at the yard. How easy it had been making her react to it all, she had merely scratched the surface, shortening it, but the memory still left a bittersweet taste lingering on her tongue. Plokho slomannaya kukla.(Poor broken doll.) She looked at her watch and felt a buzzing coming from her back pocket. She took her phone and looked at it, perplexed.

_Incoming call Unknown_

Alice picked up, placing the phone next to her ear.

-Alice Olivier speaking, who is this ?

Alice only heard silence, she thought discerning faint breathing and she looked at the phone, growing frustrated.

-Is this some kind of joke ? Bridget, Will if it's you mark my words, I won't mind taking this to the Board.

Again silence. Alice thought she heard a scoff and she sighed and rested her hand on the glass panel looking down at the basketball hoop, feeling her eyes burning with tears.

-If it's you, know that telling me about Joan was a blow below the belt. It's unprofessional, and I deserve better, much better. And so did she. Neblagodarnyye debily.(Ungrateful morons.)

Alice hang up and threw her phone on the chairs before heading out. She needed fresh air, she needed to see it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is in the continuity of chapter 8, it was originally part of it but I cut it there so it would less long (As I said, me keeping short isn't an easy thing to do ahah)  
> This part is a bit more graphic than the previous one but not the most graphic moment we'll have in this fic (moment I'm still debating who is going to "accomplish")

Allie entered and saw everyone gathered around the desk, making six feet long faces. She took out the mic from under her jumper and laid it on the desk. Will took the device and put it away in his desk before looking back at Allie, who was eyeing everybody here. Bridget was looking down, writing things sometimes stopping to think, Jake was seated, seemingly unbothered if it wasn't for the tension in his jaw. Vera was standing by the window of the Governor's office, looking down to the yard, tears threatening to escape. She was shaking, her whole body tensed. She knew nothing of the woman, but Alice sure as hell did.

-Did she lie ?

Everybody but Vera turned to Jake, Will sighed and took Alice's file in her hands before having it snatched from him. Vera had taken the file and was flipping through the pages, looking for the deposition. Bridget put a comforting hand on her shoulder but Vera didn't seem to care, she wanted to see that paper. She found it and started looking at it thoroughly, she gasped and Bridget caught the file as Vera almost dropped it, steadying herself on the desk.

-What is it Vera ? Bridget ? Tried Jake.  
-Miss Bennett ? Asked Allie.

Bridget found the statement, she looked at everybody present before clearing her throat and started reading.

-"I was going to the laundry, back to work just like any other day on laundry duty. But when I reached the kitchen, I heard screaming, I had no idea what was going on nor that the same thing was happening at another part of the facility. I looked through the glass panel and I saw Officer Randal Higgins, Chadwik Rogers, Annika Thompson, Adriana Nichols, and Joan Ferguson and inmates Marion Linton, Shanae Hale, and Jamie Myers gagged and tied up. Their jackets on the ground, their shirt seemingly slashed with shives. Everybody was alive at that moment, but a dozen inmates were in the kitchen, spitting insults at them. They called the inmates screw lover, laggers, worthless, and called the Officers dogs, monsters, amongst other things. I remember looking through the door and seeing Officer Ferguson looking at me and nudging Officer Rogers, she seemed to be pleading while he seemed to want for me to leave. I guess it goes without saying that as I don't feel much, pleading wasn't going to help. But still, I motioned for them to stay put, she was crying, he wasn't. I walked toward the laundry and I looked for something I could use. Something that would cause much pain, and lots of damages if wielded the right way. I found a pole used by the junkies of the facility and took it out before coming back upstairs crossing no one. When I got back I heard screaming and looked through the door once more, Officer Higgins was holding his throat, I assume somebody slashed his throat with a shive, at this moment Officer Nichols rushed towards the inmates, I don't know why they didn't kill her when she killed the inmate, they chained her to the table instead but not without giving her a good beating. Marion tried to step up, she wounded one of the inmates responsible but she was pushed back, Officer Ferguson screamed and tried to get to her, but inmates were holding onto her. Marion died due to the beating they gave her. Officer Thompson and Jamie were holding onto each other, trying to make themselves as small as possible, they didn't speak up, too focussed on the body of Officer Higgins next to them. The inmates holding Officer Ferguson made her stand while holding her, an inmate separated from the group, and told her not to intervene when justice was being served. She received a blow to her stomach and the woman forced her to look at her, she held the shive next to her throat but slashed the remains of her shirt, a few inmates claimed that this was retaliation for the strip search. I didn't know what it was but her expression changed right away, I remember the inmates pushing her to the floor..."

Bridget took a deep breath, daring to look up from the paper, staring at everyone in disbelief. Vera was still holding herself to the desk, a firm grip preventing her from dropping to the floor. Bridget looked back at the paper since no one protested and resume reading where she left off.

-"I remember inmates pushing her to the floor but she didn't obey, the inmate slashed her chest, she bent forward and they made her stand, bouncing her around, each time faster and harder, sometimes hitting the wall, until she fell on the floor after hitting her head.  
-Why didn't you enter ? Don't you think you could have prevented certain things from happening ?  
-No, I wouldn't have been able to prevent the two murders, I didn't know if the Officers could fight, I thought that I needed for them to be focussed on someone, and then strike.  
-And is that what happened ?  
-Yes, when Officer Ferguson was on the floor, the inmate who slashed her grabbed her by the throat, I knew she was chocking her, Officer Rogers had been staring at me for the whole time, and he nodded at me when most of the inmates' backs were turned to the door, I entered the kitchen unnoticed and while doing so he tried getting closer to Officer Nichols who was trying to untie herself. I motioned for him not to do so, as he was in plain sight and took care of untying her, that's when we heard screams.  
-Whose were they ?  
-Officer Ferguson's.  
-What happened ?  
-The inmate holding her to the ground had stabbed her with the shive when she tried to fight her off, she was crying, screaming too. I saw red, I don't know why I did, but I went towards the inmates responsible and used the metal pole on them.  
-We heard you got injured ?  
-Yes, but not enough to stop me.  
-Proceed.  
-Officer Nichols and Rogers started gazing the inmates and cuffing them, they could only cuff three at the moment it happened. Shanae tried to get out to get help but an inmate grabbed her and stabbed her from behind. I got stabbed as well and hit an inmate over the head with the pole, I don't know if she is dead or not but I also hit the head of the inmate who stabbed Shanae against a table.  
-That inmate died.  
-Good riddance, she didn't deserve to walk again, because Shanae won't either because of her. Another inmate tried to slash me but Officer Rogers held her arms preventing her from going anywhere, I hit her stomach as strongly as I could and when I looked behind Officer Rogers I saw the inmate battering Officer Ferguson who was near unconsciousness, I had heard cracks and I assumed she had broken a few bones. I gave the pole to Officer Rogers and lunched toward the inmate, I got stabbed with the shive again but I started hitting her head, relentlessly. Breaking a few ribs in the process.  
-When happened afterward ?  
-I wanted to kill her.  
-Did you ?  
-I don't know, Officer Rogers tried holding onto me. YA by ubil yeye, ona ne dolzhna prikosnulsya Ioanna.(I would have killed her, she shouldn't have touched Joan.)  
-What ?  
-Officer Ferguson is a decent Officer, she cares about us. She didn't deserve what they did to her.  
-How was she ?  
-She was laying on the floor, there was a lot of blood. She couldn't move, I don't even think she was conscious at that point, Officer Nichols tried to give her CPR, but since I heard cracks I stopped her and tried to prove my claims, she had several broken ribs and the bone of her right forearm was fractured, so was her jaw. It was only after the surgery that we were told that one of her ribs had perforated her left lung. Officer Thompson and Jamie had gone to look for help, anybody that could be of any use at this point.  
-Did you get the help ?  
-Not right away since there was another incident, similar to this one also happening on the other side of the prison. I don't remember much after that.  
-What can you remember ?  
-I remember staying with Officer Ferguson while Officer Rogers and Nichols were taking care of the inmates who had caused this. I took off my jacket and tried covering her with it since her shirt had been reduced to rags. I remember standing close to her, I was trying to catch if she was breathing, and I checked for her pulse. It was barely impossible to catch but, there was still a pulse, however small. That's when she regained consciousness.  
-Keep on.  
-She was crying, blood spilling from her wounds, she tried to speak but her face twisted in pain. She took hold onto my hand while I applied pressure on the wounds on her stomach, she coughed up blood, it was later then the medics and ambulance arrived.  
-Did you go with Officer Ferguson ?  
-Yes, I was stabbed, but within the moment I didn't feel anything, it's only when waiting with Officer Ferguson for the ambulance that it started hurting. I took off my shirt and pressed onto my wounds with it. As strange as it might sound, she didn't let go of my hand until we had to go into surgery.  
-Maybe she did it out of comfort, you after all helped save their lives.  
-Maybe... It was... Nice."

Bridged stopped reading for good this time, closing the file. She put it down and pushed her hair from her face, before breathing out heavily. Allie's brows were furrowed in spite of her shock, she just couldn't tell if it was due to what Alice had done or what had happened to Ferguson, but it didn't change anything to what she had done, would she be alive, she'd still have to pay the price for hurting everybody in this room. Will had already read the file and the transcripts, the depositions, it didn't make him feel much anymore, especially when it was concerning Ferguson when he was thinking about it now he only felt stupid not to kill her good. Vera on the other hand had started crying at some point, she could picture it as if she had been in the scene. And it was taking all her strength not to empty her stomach on the floor. She could not bear to see the bruises on her body, even less seeing her hang. So seeing her being beaten, stabbed, and not defending herself out of fear of turning into who she inevitably turned into, was too much for Vera to handle.

-She didn't lie.  
-It's far worse than... I had no idea... Had started Bridget.

Bridget looked down and started rubbing her temples while Allie stood there waiting for any sign of dismissal.

-Can I go now ?  
-Of course, thank you, Novak. We'll keep in touch, about the whole thing.  
-Sure, just let me know if there is anything else.  
-I want this to stop Will... _Just stop..._  
-Vera, we have no idea if she is alive or dead, suddenly Alice comes back, her daughter looks like her. And you can't deny that you haven't noticed. She has been lying to us.  
- **STOP ! JUST STOP WILL ! FOR ONCE JUST FUCKING STOP ! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE ! YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BURIED HER IN THE FIRST PLACE ! AND YOU ARE AS AS GUILTY AS HIM AND SO ARE WE NOW, SINCE YOU GRACED US WITH THAT KNOWLEDGE !**

Everyone had been startled when Vera yelled. She was exhausted, _she couldn't do this anymore_ , the hate, the watching over one's shoulder. She wanted all of that behind her, she wanted the past to stay where it belonged. Vera looked up to her friends, tears still going her cheeks, she opened the door and left, her legs carrying her to wherever they wanted. She didn't care at this point. Vera considered her surroundings and realized she was in the yard, standing under the warm sun, her arms resting to her sides. When she opened her eyes, scanning everybody, she saw someone standing by the basketball hoop, looking up to it. Vera was watching as Alice rose her gloved hand to touch the metal of the structure, something about her seemed different. She knew there was a part of truth into what Will had said, but the more she was thinking about it and the more she realized she didn't care. Because once more events had proven to all of them they had no idea who was Joan Ferguson, and they probably never would now. The things she had been through... _Vera knew it didn't excuse anything_ , but at least it succeeded to bring her closer to the woman she had grown to care for. When Vera looked back at the basketball hoop she saw Alice staring at her, she seemed in the same state as she was, but Alice never cried. Or so she thought until now. Vera's lips parted when her eyes caught a glimpse of the tears going down her cheeks, her face expressionless yet somewhat tensed. She saw her leaving towards the building probably getting back to her office, where calm would probably find her. Vera on the other hand had decided something. She was going to read that file. And she was going to confront Alice about it. No matter how long it was going to take her to read it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it !

"Joan's told me about her father today, I promised her we'd take it as slow as she'd like, she admitted having never spoken of these things. I knew what she was like and rushing her wasn't going to serve anybody, only make her retreat and start all over again. We've met four years after my release, and she looked worse than ever, internally. Her appearance always ever so perfect, though wrinkles had started to grace the corner of her eyes, and gray was slowly peppering her ebony hair. We had started to meet weekly, she had told me she was afraid of herself, that she had done reprehensible things at Blackmoore since Jianna. I'd be lying if I said I knew what to do. But today was her father's only, and I did not expect what she told me. I told her to come over to my house, so we could chat in a safe environment, she seemed pleased and agreed. As if we had never been apart since Blackmoore, and had kept on chatting daily. I gave us wine and before I even had the time to sit down, Joan had emptied half of her glass. I stopped her, if she wanted to do this right, she'd have to be sober. So she started fidgeting with her necklace instead, the one she kept from her mother. An oval lock with a picture of them, she admitted having never shown it to anyone, not even Jianna, but that today she needed the token with her. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel proud of her trust in me. Joan started to go on and on about how her father used to treat her, the ways he used to call her, the habits he gave her and the lessons he taught her, it was like being in the army, the Russian army. How he kept pushing her limits, her boundaries, and making her, even as a little girl, face things that scared her whether it was irrational or not. She briefly mentioned being locked in the cellar, but seeing the look on her face I didn't ask, or rather, I didn't need to. I can't recall the moment she started crying, but I remember her telling me she used to call for her mother, pray she'd get her out of there. How she'd scrub herself clean after hours spend down there. Which is what could have traumatized her enough to give her OCD, her irrational fear of germs, anything remotely dirty or unclean. That caught up with diseases too, she told me that though she didn't fall sick easily now, it was another story when she was child, having spent so much time in the damp and coldness of the cellar. Until the day she stopped getting sick and crying, that was the day her father took her out before the usual eight hours in that dreadful place. She told me she still could remember the coldness of the stone beneath her feet, that it was even worse in winter and the stink of fish. Korsakov being on the coast of a Russian island, near Japan, fishing was part of the everyday lives of the people living there, she added. She had said that with such disdain, it was obvious she didn't have many fond memories of that place. Suddenly it was as if she had frozen, her face turning whiter than it already was. I asked her if everything was alright, and she started looking at me, leaving me to look at the torment of emotions being the chocolate of her eyes."

Vera put down the paper, taking a sip of her wine, she had decided to use her day off, again, to keep on reading Joan's file. Making Anna more than happy for the day job and extra money, money that Vera was gladly giving away. She had spent hours reading about Joan going to Alice's or the other way around and talking. Just talking. Screaming sometimes, fighting, quite often from what she had read. But still, that file retraced Joan's life, at least the things she and Alice had talked about, but it was more than enough. She could picture a little girl trying to make her father happy yet being called a _waste of space_ and _time_ , being told _she could never be loved for who she was_. That people would use her feelings to get to her and hurt her, bring her down. That she had to be toughened for her own sake. Vera would have never thought Joan had ever self-harmed, making her father even more disappointed in her. Repressing and stifling her emotions, her feelings. How he spoke of controlling them yet never taught her to recognize what she had to overpower with an iron fist. He was the one who had made her take up fencing, she had obliged, _she wanted for him to be proud_. In spite of _the bullying, the bruising, the taunting, the name-calling_ , she had claimed that at some point she just accepted it as something normal. That the reason he did what he did, was because he cared about her, and she had to be better than that. It made Vera sick to her stomach the more she was thinking about it. She had known Joan was broken and traumatized, but she would have never guessed all the things she had read. If she were honest with herself, she would say that she'd have laughed at the person who would have told her that back when she was Govna' or even an inmate. But this was nothing to laugh at, it was abuse in its purest form, and she had been so brainwashed that she accepted it without question, taking it all in, thinking that it was right. Thinking that _he was right_. That she would never be good enough, she would never be loved, no one would ever understand her, that no matter what, she'd always be alone. And in the end, _he was right. No one understood the reason for her actions, she had never been with anybody, she had been alone._

* * * * *

Bridget was walking toward the office she shared with Alice, she was supposed to be alone with the inmates today, she entered and closed the door before freezing.

-Alice ?

The brunette was seated in front of the window, looking through it, clearly lost in her thoughts. So much that she didn't even hear as Bridget called her and put her things down. Bridget knew she and Alice had avoided each other during the past week, she knew she had taken her distances with Will and Allie as well. She had no idea how she figured there was a wire but obviously Alice just like Joan could discern things that "normal" people couldn't, maybe because of their sense of observation. Bridget had not seen Vera in over two days, and it had worried her, but she knew the thing they learned in Alice's file had upset her, it had upset Bridget as well. She had heard of the siege of Blackmoore before but had never actually read any declaration of someone who was there when it happened, she was barely out of college when it had occurred. The whole ordeal had made her think, she knew deep down, though she'd probably never admit it, that she had been quick to send Ferguson on her way. She knew it was a fault that could cost her, her job. And destroy her carrier. Bridget looked at the woman who could destroy her once more and sat on the chair next to her, looking at the yard.

-I thought you had gone home.

Alice breathed out and started playing with something Bridget couldn't see from where she was seated, the blonde crossed her legs and gazed at Alice.

-Do you want to talk ?  
-What about ?  
-Whatever is on your mind.  
-So you can report to the Governor ? No, thank you.  
-Would you mind if I asked you questions ?  
-Now, why would I agree to that ?  
-Because there are things you can't learn from a file.  
-Like ?  
-Where did you and Vera meet ? She's never mentioned you.  
-Well, now I know why she hasn't, Alice snapped, she breathed out and softened her voice as much as she could muster, We met a while back before Frannie was born, it was a convention for correctional centres, it also dealt with psychology, how to give inmates better care. Especially for the most deranged ones. You probably wonder how it went. Rather well, we were presented and I told her who I was and what I was doing and she accepted it, she was wary but still, she gave me a chance.  
-Vera's always been the one to trust easily and give away chances, even to people who don't deserve it. She's a good person.  
-She's killed her mother you know.  
-Now, why would she do that ?  
-Why do you think ? Her mother was abusive, manipulative, and bullying her. She had it coming, _Vera was right to do it_.  
-So to you, it's right to take the life of someone who does that ?  
-I am unbothered by death, it feels like a friend. I was accused of _killing my family_ , what did you think I was going to answer ? That she shouldn't have killed her mother ? She was going to do it sooner or later.  
-You didn't seem that unbothered by what happened at Blackmoore.  
-I didn't care about the people who had died, they were gone and still are. I couldn't have helped them, I would only have gotten myself and everybody killed.  
-The fits of rage you went into, did that happen a lot ?  
-At first yes, it's like... An urge you know. Now not so much except if something triggers it.  
-What do you do to remedy that ?  
-Are you assessing ?  
-I'm trying to get to know you...  
-I go and run or I use my punching ball. Even cutting vegetables feels like a relief at this point.

Alice and Bridget laughed softly, Alice looked around at the office before looking back a the yard.

-What else do you want to know ?  
-Joan, what did you think of her ? Back at Blackmoore.  
-She was decent. She didn't let anyone walk over her after what happened, but she genuinely cared for us. She thought we could get better. I guess in seeing that in us, she thought of herself as well.  
-What do you mean by that ?  
-Well, Joan, there was something with her, she just never knew what until I told her I could see she had baggage that was doing more than holding her back. To be fair, I think she is... was my closest friend.  
-I... I would like to apologize. I have been way out of line.  
-You were there, weren't you ?  
-Where ?  
-When Allie asked me about the siege.  
-Yes, I was. Alice, I'm sorry...  
-I had never... I had never mentioned that to anyone else until she asked...  
-Never ? Not even to Ferguson ?  
-She and I made a point to not breach the subject again, but we both knew we could count on each other after that day.  
-And did Vera know about this ?  
-Well unless if she was in the room at the moment I said it... Great..  
-If I had known I wouldn't have..  
-I know. Believe it or not, I... I don't think you are a bad person, even less a bad forensic psychologist.  
-I don't deserve that.  
-I know. But it's what's appropriate to say in such a situation.  
-Is that how you measure things ? By what you've been taught is appropriate ?

Bridget saw Alice stand up and rest her shoulder on the window, closing her eyes. When she opened her eyes, silent tears fell, astounding Bridget who got on her feet, scrunching her brows.

-I don't know why you are so quick to judge us. Me in this case. I don't know why you think we can't change or feel. But I wish you could see things with my eyes, and feel things with my heart.  
-I guess... I just had a bad experience, I let myself be blinded by it.  
-Joan ?  
-Yeah, Joan...  
-She wasn't a psychopath you know.  
-How do you know ?  
-I gave Vera a file.  
-And what's in it ?  
-Joan's life.

Bridget's lips parted as she sat back down, followed by Alice who started fidgeting with something around her neck again.

-I heard you all and Vera when she said she understood Joan. That they were alike...  
-But they aren't, started Bridget.  
-They are more than you think. Vera had an abusive mother, and she never mentioned her father. Joan had an abusive father and never mentioned her mother. They were both bullied, called named, ill-treated...  
-How come you know about that ?  
-About who ?  
-Them both. How come you know so much about them both ?  
-Because Vera is my friend, we met when she was younger and easily impressed, but also because people feel safe with me, for a reason that is obvious, so she told me things about her, and I said little about me. Joan... Joan, it was different. She had all these things she wanted to say but didn't have the knowledge of how to express them. Not that she wasn't learned, but she lacked the understanding. She had been inbred with the fact being vulnerable, trusting people would only get her hurt. She had no knowledge of how to communicate, yet mastered the art of using words to get what she wanted and make people trust her.  
-Why are you telling me this ?  
-Why not ?

Bridget sighed and Alice closed her eyes, wiping tears away, before looking at the necklace hanging from her neck.

-I don't know fear, only the thrill, the rush of adrenaline. That's why I do sensations, why I can more easily get hurt by doing risky things. But Joan knew fear. She had so many.  
-What was her biggest fear ?

Alice opened the necklace and showed it to Bridget. The blonde took it and lowered her eyes to the picture present. Joan Ferguson was holding a little girl, smiling at the camera, while the girl had her arms up in the air, laughing.

-Herself.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, I dislike Bridget but still I decided to try to make her realize her GIGANTIC MISTAKE AND UNPROFESSIONALISM, because I don't think she's inherently trying to be against Joan, she was just biased because of their story together and the mind games Joan played.  
> Also, both her and Vera learn something quite important !  
> As well as moment with Joan and Alice !
> 
> Enjoy !

-Whats if I was mistaken ? Mistakes happen all the time..  
-Gidge, it's the Freak we're talking about ! She was bad and would have always been !  
-Franky, you know I love you and I respect your judgment, but you weren't there when I heard what I heard.  
-I don't need to. Gidge, she's killed, she's abused people !  
-So did everybody in Wentworth, staff, and inmates alike, yet you didn't see them hanging from the neck, did you ?

Bridget stood from the sofa rubbing her temples while Franky turned to her.

-She seems to have been abused Franky..  
-Yeah, well look at Miss Bennett ! Didn't see her abusing anyone.  
-She's the one who pushed Gambaro down the stairs, it was an accident, but she's still the one who did it.  
-Yeah, so what ? Gambaro and her boys gave her Hepatitis C, it was only deserved !  
-So that's how you see it ? Vera gets hurt and wants revenge and shouldn't be punished for it but when it comes down to Ferguson it cannot even be discussed ? Do I need to remind you what you and Bea put Jodia through to get her to testify against Ferguson ? Or when Bea escaped Wentworth to get revenge on Brayden Holt ? Everybody praised her as far as I can remember.  
-Okay, what has happened at work ? What did this bitch tell you ?  
-Who ?  
-The new shrink, Alice. What kind of lie did she tell you ?  
-She didn't lie Franky.  
-How would you know ?  
-Because everybody knows she is a psychopath ! And at the first, the one misstep, she could lose her job, _her daughter_. Franky, she could lose _her life !_

Franky stood up going near Bridget who had stopped pacing up and down.

-Why are you defending them ?  
-Because I think I might have done something wrong. And because I decided to trust Alice.  
-Gidge, no, listen to me, you cannot do that. Not their kind.  
-Gosh, you sound like Will !  
-Yeah ? Well maybe he's right, who knows !?  
-Exactly Franky ! Who knows ? He might be fucking wrong for all we know ! After what he di...

Bridget stopped talking, her back turned on Franky, who was looking warily at her.

-After he what, Bridget ? What did he do ? Gidge ?  
-Nothing, forget it.  
-Does this have to do with when I escaped ? The letter Allie gave me ?

Bridget turned at once, gazing at Franky shocked.

-What letter ? Franky... What was in that letter ? Did this have to do with Ferguson ? Franky !  
-Okay, okay Jesus ! I'm getting it ! There !

Bridget took the letter in her hands and started reading out loud.

"I'm sorry but I had to lie to you,  
Mister Stewart didn't buy my story at all, he was onto me.  
But I think I found a way to protect you, to get you out.  
So get going, run like hell and clear your name.  
You need to prove your innocence,  
I need to do something else.  
I loved Bea and Joan Ferguson took her away from me.  
So I want revenge, in Bea's name.  
I made a deal, to share my escape plan.  
By getting rid of Ferguson for good."

The blonde gazed at Franky and stepped closer to her, visibly angry.

-How could you keep this from me ?!  
-What does it matter ? She allowed me to get out !  
-Because that, that could put them away for good !  
-What's that supposed to mean ?  
-"By getting rid of Ferguson for good"...  
-Oh shit... You mean she... But she wasn't out, I told you she wasn't out.  
-It's not her who did it Franky.  
-What, Channing ?  
-No...  
-Then who ?  
-Jake Stewart and Will Jackson...  
-You're kidding ? Gidge, tell me you're kidding, they wouldn't have... They couldn't.  
-Will and Jake admitted it to me and Vera.

Franky sworn, clasping her hands behind her head, looking at the letter. Bridget took deep breaths reading the letter again and again. Franky tried to snatch it but Bridget was faster.

-What on earth do you think you're doing ?!  
-That can put them away for good, you said so yourself.  
-So what ? We can't get rid of it ! Oh no, Franky, no.  
-Why not ?  
-Because it's not right. Franky, if you really dislike who Ferguson has become, why do you want to act like her ?!  
-I'm not..  
-Yes you are ! Because the Ferguson we knew would have concealed it so that no one knew she had done something reprehensible.  
-So what you're... We're going to send our friends to hang ? Just like that ?!  
-I didn't say we were going to show it to the police.  
-Then to who Gidge ?

Franky let her arms rest on her thighs staring at Bridget in disbelief, the blonde folded the letter and put it in her handbag. Tomorrow was going to be another exhausting day at Wentworth.

* * * * *

Vera was seated at her office, occupied by the mountain of papers that had accumulated over the last few days. She was never one to complain about paperwork, but right now she cursed herself for not having brought some of it home, so she wouldn't have so many when she returned. Not that she hadn't worked at all during those "off days". Reading Joan's file and caring for Grace with the help of Anna was a real challenge, not because of the lack of time but because of the breaks she had to take while reading certain parts. Her mind wandered off for a moment, to a passage she had, read making think of what Fletcher had told her he saw.

-"So what do you want to talk about today ? Do you want to tell me why you seem to look at someone other than me sometimes ?  
-I... I don't know what you mean.  
-You know Joan, I can only help if you want help. Now I know for a fact you, repeatedly during several sessions, were looking at that exact point on the wall, visibly angry, but scared, tormented as well.  
-I don't want to talk about it.  
-Why not ? Do you think I would use it against you ? Is that too personal compared to everything you've already told me ?

Joan shifted on the sofa, playing with her hands.

-Is it because someone else is warning you about me ? Telling you that I'm gathering all that, so I can to crush you afterwards ?  
-How do you know that ?  
-Joan, I'm starting to know you better than you know yourself, how about this, now you tell me what you think.  
-Alright ?  
-How about you start telling me about that, and if someone comes up, no matter who, that person and I will talk.  
-How ?  
-Well, I talk to you, or the person if you will and you tell me what the person says or does. How does that sound ?  
-You don't think I'm crazy ? That there's something wrong with me, needing correcting ? Asked Joan ashamed.  
-Crazy, no. But wrong ? I guess it depends on your definition of the word. I mean there is something wrong with me too, but... I work towards controlling it, and for that, I need to have a good understanding of it. Do you have a good understanding of these people you see ?  
-No...  
-So you don't know if they are really here or if it's just your mind ? Have you ever thought about asking these people ?  
-No, I... It never broached my mind. Why ?  
-Well, because it could either mean you're talking to dead people, which would mean you are a medium, that being perfectly normal. Or maybe it would mean you are having hallucinations of people who aren't here at all. It could also be co-conscious DID and therefore you'd talk to this dissociated version of yourself. Then again you could also just be talking to yourself and have this physical representation of a person who had a huge impact over your life, it could be how your mind, your mental demeans you because it knows it's going to affect you.  
-Meaning ?  
-Meaning, if it's the hallucination, the DID, you'd have more to work on, Alice heard Joan sigh, Can I ask you about it ?  
-Yes.  
-Who do you usually see ?  
-My father...  
-And what does he do ?  
-Even dead I'm never going to be good enough for him...

Joan's eyes started to fill with tears, her chin high, Alice got to her feet and kneeled in front of Joan, she looked at her and took her hands in hers, patting them awkwardly, making Joan look at her.

-Eto ne pravda.(That's not true.) You are good enough Joan. And if he failed to realize that when he was alive, well that's his loss. Because hear this, what you're doing right now, what we've been doing for months now. Hell, when you came back after the siege. Not everyone can do it, that doesn't mean you're superior, it just means you mustered the courage to come and talk about it, to rise against it. Because you want to change, to understand the reason behind the why. Now, who else do you see ?  
-Jianna... She never talks, she just stares...  
-Why do you think she does that ?  
-Why wouldn't she ?  
-What do you mean ?  
-I've done terrible things... I don't deserve her, she's probably ashamed of me. I couldn't protect her.  
-Joan, I couldn't protect Jianna either, yet I've done my best, or I want to believe I did. You did not let her down, you loved her.  
-Why are you like this ?

Joan was gazing at their hands before looking into Alice's eyes, causing her to furrow her brows.

-Like what ?  
-Like you care.  
-Maybe I do.

"_-Nikto ne zabotitsya o vas.(No one cares about you)_"

Joan's smile faded and she seemed to have lost all the colors present on her face, her eyes looking behind Alice towards the wall. Alice turned her head and saw no one, she turned to Joan once more and sat down next to her.

-What is it ?

Joan opened her lips but no sound came out of it.

" _-Ty takoye razocharovaniye, ona vidit vas uyazvimymi.(You're such a disappointment, she's seeing you vulnerable.) You're giving your enemy a weapon to use against you._"  
-No, I'm not... I'm...  
-Joan ? Tell me who is here.  
"_-She'll use everything you told her to bring you down._"  
-She wouldn't do that !  
"_-You can't help it can you, first that girl, now her._"  
-Stop it !  
"_-Vy bessmyslenno, vy nichego ne stoit, vy nichego, nikto ne zabotitsya o vas, nikto ne skuchayet.(You’re pointless, you’re worthless, you’re nothing, no one cares about you, no one misses you.)_"

Joan covered her ears with her hands, sinking into Alice's side, tears going down her cheeks. Leaving Alice unaware of what to do, feeling uneasy by the contact, she looked around before looking down at the woman and wrapped an unsteady arm around her, making her look at her.

-Joan, tell me. Who is here ? What do you hear ?  
-Moy otets.(My father.)  
-Can he hear me ? If I were to say that he doesn't know me and I wouldn't hurt you. Could he hear me ?  
"_-Ona pytayetsya poluchit' v vashey golove.(She's trying to get in your head.)_"  
-He's saying you're trying to get in my head, he said I was a disappointment, that you'd... You'd use this against me. That I'm...  
-What Joan ?  
-YA bessmyslenno ! YA nichego ne stoyu ! YA nichto, nikto ne zabotitsya obo mne, nikto ne propuskayet menya ! (I'm pointless ! I'm worthless ! I'm nothing, no one cares about me, no one misses me !)

Alice's face showed signs of surprise when she heard the older woman say that sentence. Tightening her grip on Alice, Joan sobbed again.

" _-All this time trying to make you see what people really are like, they only want one thing, to find where it hurts and use it. Vse eto vremya vpustuyu na vas.(All this time wasted on you.) Vy bessmyslenno, vy nichego ne stoit, vy nichego, nikto ne zabotitsya o vas, nikto ne skuchayet.(You’re pointless, you’re worthless, you’re nothing, no one cares about you, no one misses you.)_"  
-Pozhaluysta ostanovis' ! Ostanovi eto...(Please stop ! Make it stop...)  
-YA zdes'. YA ne pozvolyu yemu prichinit' vam vred. _Potomu chto ya zabochus'._ (I'm here. I won't let him hurt you. _Because I care._ )"

-Vera ? Vera, you're okay ?

Vera blinked several times, turning her head towards the door, seeing Bridget her hand on the handle.

-I've been calling you for the last five minutes.  
-Oh… I'm sorry I was... In the past.  
-Are you alright ? You seemed...  
-What ?  
-Sad...

Vera sighed and shook her head slightly, rubbing her temples. Indeed she was. When she saw she wasn't going to get an answer Bridget continued.

-May I come in ? There's something I'd like...  
-Sure, come in, what is it about ?

Bridget gave her a look and Vera sighed again, closing her eyes, before lowering her voice.

-Close the door. I don't want anyone getting their hands on these informations.  
-It's not like that... It's just... I spoke to Alice yesterday.  
-How did it go ?  
-Surprisingly well. I was expecting anything but that.  
-I really want to say I told you so, said Vera smiling.  
-I'd deserve that, please be my guest.  
-I told you so.

Both women laughed and Bridget took out the letter, making Vera lower her eyes.

-What's that ?  
-Before we get to that, I wanted to say I'm sorry. I know, we both know why I was wary, but I shouldn't have judged her based on anything... Just like I did with Joan... Now how are you ?  
-Me ?  
-Yes, you've been on days off and my pinky told me it was not to spend more time with Grace.  
-How would you know ?  
-Alice told me she gave you something, a file on Joan.  
-Yes, she did...  
-Did you take time off so you could read it ?  
-I have.  
-And ?  
-And nobody here, except Alice ever really knew her.

Vera breathed out, fidgeting with Joan's pen, maybe she could share a bit of what she had learned, gradually.

-Bridget, you've read Joan's file, I mean when she was an inmate.  
-Yes, of course, I helped to compile it, remember ?  
-Right, hum, so you're aware that she's Russian.  
-Yes, I'm aware of that, what's your point ?  
-You've never wondered why her name sounded English, not even once ?  
-Well, I guess I just assumed she was born there but given an English name, but as we both know, our knowledge about Joan's past is scarce. Did you find anything ? Is that why you're asking me all these questions ?  
-I... I might have found her... Real name.  
-What ?!  
-Yeah... And it's a bit different from what we're used to.  
-Do you mind sharing ? I mean... So her name's not Joan Ferguson ?  
-Well technically, Joan is her real name, it's the typography that changes, but yes. Ferguson isn't her real last name.  
-Well, What is it ?  
-I guess you won't mind my bad pronunciation, her real name's Ioanna Anastasiya Romanovna.

Bridget's jaw went slack, staring at Vera with disbelief. She passed a hand in her hair and scoffed, while Vera repositioned herself on her chair, awaiting an answer.

-Well... That's... I wasn't expecting that...  
-Me neither, but I think we can agree it makes more sense than an Anglicised name.  
-And you're sure..  
-Yes. It's in the file Alice gave me, it's repeated several times. I haven't read the moment she tells her yet.  
-What else can you tell me ?  
-That we screwed her up even more.  
-Shit... Muttered Bridget  
-I can't believe we didn't see it at first. She looked just like anyone of us.  
-So does Alice... Joan she... She worked at having her shit together. She hid it well until she unraveled.  
-Yeah...  
-What is it ?  
-You know I thought, once she's dead it will be over. We'll move on, we'll just tell ourselves that it was a bad moment, it had to happen to teach us things and then move on. But Will keeps bringing it up, you, Jake, Allie. The only one who didn't bring her up was Alice.  
-Until we made her bring her up.  
-I hated her, I wanted her to hurt for everything she had done. But when it came down to it, when she supposedly fell in the showers, when she hanged, when Will...

Vera swallowed the lump forming in her throat and looked up at Bridget seated in front of her.

-Seeing her hurt, made me feel like I was worse than her. Like she didn't deserve it.  
-Why ?  
-I don't know... I didn't know half of the things I know now, yet it still hurts.  
-You really cared about her.  
-Yeah... I think she did too, at some point.  
-What makes you think that ?  
-She brought me dinner once or twice and invited me over.  
-To her house ?  
-Yes... I remember the last dinner we had, I was stupid to leave her like that.  
-Why ? What happened ?  
-She told me she always wanted to be more than a mentor to me, that she enjoyed working with me, that we were alike when it came to corrections.  
-And what did you say ?  
-I told her that we were nothing alike, that I'd never do what she had done to me to anyone.  
-What do you mean ?  
-During the riot, when she was still Govna', I was taken hostage and they threatened to use a needle to my neck if she didn't move a muscle. They wanted to get Bea out of the slot, they needed for her to open the doors.  
-She didn't open the doors ?  
-No, Channing did.  
-But why didn't she ?  
-I asked myself that question so many times... Turns out her motives were legitimate.  
-How so ?  
-The inmates picked me because they knew we were close.  
-So ?  
-So... She saw the long run, and in the long run, pretending she didn't care was more effective.  
-Wait... You mean... She lead them to believe she didn't care because otherwise, they'd use you again ?  
-Yeah... And I fucked it up... She started saying that someone was trying to drive a wedge between us, and I told her.  
-What ?  
-That she never cared about me... She said she did, and she put her hand on mine, she seemed so lost, and uneasy. I told her I had Hepatitis C and she took it off. I left after that and it was the stupidest thing I've ever done.  
-What ? Why ?  
-Have you ever seen her use hand sanitizer or gloves ? Or just no wanting to be in contact with anyone.  
-Yes all the time, why ?  
-She had OCD, you know germs, organization...  
-Yes, I know that, why... Oh...  
-Yeah... I left when I should have realized her taking off her hand wasn't rational. It was that. And I blew it. I knew she had that and still, I didn't get it...  
-We all make mistakes Vera.  
-I know but I keep wondering if I had not left if I had asked her why maybe things would have been completely different.  
-Seems like you two cared in your own way.  
-Do you think it's wrong ?  
-What is ?  
-That I miss her, you know seeing her smug smile around the corner and witty one-liners. Just seeing her.  
-That she had plenty of those to spare, said Bridget laughing softly, I don't miss her attitude but if she had gotten help I think I would have come to appreciate her.  
-She did. Alice's. Hence the file.  
-You mean that file is valid ?  
-Yes, Alice did it because _Joan asked her_ , she showed it to her own psychologists.  
-And what did they say ?  
-That she was doing a good job, that whoever it was, did have many problems but that she was managing, they helped her apparently. You know, they told her what she could ask, things she could ask Joan to do, that sort of thing. We should have helped her, we were blinded by our resentment and anger...

Vera stopped talking and lowered her head, taking it between her hands before looking at Bridget.

-I don't even know why I'm telling you this.  
-Because you feel comfortable, and because we're friends.  
-Yes, we are. Did you apologize to Alice as well ?  
-I have, and Franky thought I lost it.  
-Couldn't expect anything less from Franky. How has she been ?  
-Great, she's been bonding with her father and her sister, she's healing old wounds by doing so.  
-I'm glad, and I hope the next time I see her won't be here. So you tell her to stay out.  
-I will Vera, thanks.

Bridget started fidgeting with the letter under her fingers, gradually losing her smile, making Vera put the papers she had in her hands away, looking at the letter.

-What's this ?  
-Franky told me this was a letter she received on the night she escaped. I promise, I only learned of its existence yesterday.  
-Alright and what's inside ?

Bridget looked at the door and the ceiling, making Vera furrow her brows.

-There are no cameras in this office. Bridget who wrote that letter ?  
-Vera, how much do you know about the night Franky and Joan escaped ?  
-Hum, that Franky went under the radar, that she left the same way Ferguson did, in the boxes. I still can't wrap my head around the reason why Franky would have told Ferguson her plan.  
-It wasn't Franky.  
-What ? Who then ?  
-Franky didn't know anything, she thought she was with her the whole time until Will arrived and went a different way.  
-Bridget who was supposed to be with Franky ?  
-It was Allie's plan, Jake told Ferguson, well, Roma... Joan. He told Joan the "plan", and he told Will. She wanted to get rid of Joan. She put her in that box, Vera.

The brunette's jaw dropped and she took the letter opening it, reading it. She put it down and stared at Bridget before shaking her head. Maybe she'd have to confront Alice sooner than she'd expected.


	12. Chapter 12

Classical music was filling the air, the melody gracing Alice's ears as she was filling papers regarding Wentworth and her studies. She was focussed on an inmate when her phone rang, making her look up. She took the phone, bringing it in front of her face.

_Incoming call Unknown_

Alice furrowed her brows, it was the second time this week, she answered the phone and put it next to her ear.

-Hello ? Who is this ?

The brunette couldn't hear much coming from the other side of the call, if only for faint breathing and cars.

-Is anyone there ? Why do you keep calling me ?

She heard a soft sigh and Alice stared at her phone, who on earth was that ?

-Hello ?

Suddenly the person at the other end hung up, leaving Alice to wonder once more who was playing tricks with her. She heard knocks on the door of her office and put the phone down, seeing Vera enter the room still dressed for work.

-Hey.  
-Good afternoon. Did Frannie let you in ?  
-Frannie did, she told me you were here. I locked the door again, twice.  
-Alright.

Vera was fidgeting with the handle of her bag while Alice pushed the files away.

-To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit ?  
-Ioanna Anastasiya Romanovna...  
-Ah.

Alice started to tidy the files and pens on her desk, while Vera was eyeing her surroundings, before focussing on Alice again.

-I read it. Well not all of it, but a big part... I had no idea...  
-Well, now you know.  
-Yes but... That's not right. I mean if I had known just one-tenth of what I've read so far... It's so dark...

Alice joined her hands on the wood of her desk looking at Vera, silent.

-Did you really think, and do not lie to me. Did you really think she could be saved ?

Alice stood up and went to the record player, stopping it, putting the record back in its cover before turning towards Vera. She walked towards her desk and picked up the frame resting in the corner, giving it to Vera.

-What is this ?  
-Your answer.

Vera took the frame in her hands and turned it over taking a look at the picture, her breath caught in her throat, looking up at Alice whose jaw was tensed. She looked down again at the picture of Joan holding a baby in her arms, Alice an arm wrapped around her shoulders, they looked so happy. Genuinely happy.

-Is that ?  
-It's Frannie.  
-You mean... Joan's...  
-Yes.

Alice sat on her desk, slouching slightly, gazing at Vera warily. The brunette caressed the frame with her fingers, looking at the raven-haired woman. It was fucking obvious, and it made tremendous sense, the resemblance was unmistakable. Vera breathed out, thinking about how to say what she had come here to say. But now, knowing that, made everything more complicated.

-Alice I...  
-I know you'll feel like you have to tell Will. It's alright. I understand.  
-It's not that. It's... I know what happened the night Joan was...

Alice got on her feet, feeling her heart beating in her chest.

-You might want to sit down...

Alice's face turned blank within seconds, and she sat back down in her chair, her eyes locked on Vera who was playing with the frame in her hands.

-I know what happened the night Joan was buried.

Vera took a deep breath and saw Alice swallow with some difficulty, repositioning herself on her chair. Vera handed her the letter and Alice read it, perplexed.

-Jake discovered an escape plan, and he told Will. They made a deal. Will and Jake pinned Channing for it, but he didn't do it. I was afraid for my friends, I couldn't tell the police... We went back for confirmation later, but we couldn't tell. The police found the place, we don't know how, they said they'd run tests, but we never heard back from them. We don't know if it was her in that box.  
-Whose plan, was it ?  
-Allie's.

Vera was staring at Alice's face, she had seen it harden ever so slightly, though her body seemed relaxed. She sat down and looked at the frame in her hands, caressing the picture with her fingertips. Vera looked up at Alice who pushed the letter aside.

-And I need to tell you what happened when Joan was at Wentworth. What we've all done.

* * * * *

-Alice, wait !

Alice was going down the stairs energetically, feeling her whole warming up, Vera following her closely. She went towards her kitchen to her fridge and took out a bottle of vodka, taking a glass out of the freezer, she poured herself a drink feeling the liquid burn her throat. Focussing her mind on other things.

_“Control yourself, don't throw away everything.”_

-Alice. Please, it wasn't just one person, I've hurt her too. It's our fault, to us only, Bridget sees it now too.

Vera arrived next to her, she was staring at her, unsure as to what to say next.

-It's my fault.

Alice took the glass and threw it on the wall, startling Vera, the latter heard a noise coming from the stairs and saw Frannie pass her head. The girl saw her mother and the glass and climbed down the stairs, making Vera take steps towards her.

-Hey you.  
-What's going on ?  
-Everything is alright, nothing to worry about.  
-Why is the glass broken ?  
-Hum... Mom is having issues, she's... She'll be alright. Why don't you go back upstairs ?  
-You can handle it ??  
-Of course, look, I'm a big girl.

The sentence made Frannie chuckle and Vera smiled before looking at Alice who seemed calm and collected externally. She made the girl go back upstairs and went towards Alice whose hands were resting on her hips, her eyes void of emotions.

-Alice ? Talk to me, please. Promise me you won't do anything.  
-Okay.  
-What ?  
-I promise.

Alice picked her sweeper and dustpan and cleaned the mess the glass had made, leaving Vera pending. Was it really going to be that easy ?

-Alice, I mean it. Don't do anything that could hurt you or Frannie.  
-I said I promise, Vera. Now, have I ever broken a promise ?  
-No... So you're not going to hurt someone ?  
-No.  
-Do you want to ?

Vera could see the conflict occurring in her friend, she stepped closer and laid a gentle hand on her shoulder.

-Yes.

Though she was taken aback, Vera stepped closer and wrapped her arm around Alice's shoulders, feeling no resistance.

-Who ? Me ?

Alice paused a moment, gathering herself.

-Me. I'm furious at myself. She told me, us, to leave, and I did. I should have been there. She should have called. What a hypocrite, I didn't call either. I should have been here, we should have. Chert voz'mi. (Fucking Hell.)  
-Alice, breathe.  
-I am breathing.  
-You know what I mean.  
-She was all alone, and it's my fault.  
-You don't know that, it seemed to be her choice.  
-She relapsed and told us to leave. I should have said no.  
-You did Alice. But we both know, when she had something in mind, nothing could stray her from it.  
-I left her alone. He was right. I made him right.  
-Who ?  
-Her father. He used to tell her she was pointless, worthless, nothing, that no one cared about her, that no one missed her.  
-Alice...  
-I should have fought harder.  
-She made her choice. Everybody suffered from it.  
-I failed her like I failed Jianna. Because I wasn't strong enough.  
-You know it's a lie. You did what you could, but you had to think about what was best for you and Frannie. Alice. Joan had made her decision, and she did everything in her power to follow through. Had it been a good deed she would be praised, it only depends on the perceptive.  
-I left her alone Vera, that's the worse thing I could have ever done to her.


	13. Chapter 13

-Vera wait !  
-Jake ? Is everything alright ? Has something happened ?

Vera stopped walking and turned to Jake who smiled, dismissing her comments.

-No, no, no I just... I wanted to ask how Grace was doing ?  
-Oh...  
-Yeah...

Vera went to pick a cup and started the coffee machine, Jake following her.

-She's doing great, I have someone caring for her since I must try to be present here.  
-Someone ?  
-Yes, her name's Anna, she's a college student, and she needed the extra income.  
-And you trust her ?  
-Yes, Jake. I trust Anna, don't even start with this.  
-I'm just asking because I care, Vera. You've been keeping me at arm's length ever since she was born.  
-Yes, with good reasons.  
-What ? Why ?  
-Your stunts with Will, Bridget, Allie. My god Allie. Shame you lost Bridget to me and Alice.  
-I don't follow...  
-Alice knows it was Allie's plan. She knows you and Will got Joan out and did this, Admitted Vera, hopefully, this was going to keep them at arm's length from Alice & Frannie as well, she thought.  
-How would she know ? Only we know... She couldn't possibly have figured it out... Oh, no. Vera. Why did you tell her ?! We have to tell Will ! We have to warn Allie !  
-No need.  
-Vera, she's going to go after them.  
-You still don't get it, do you ? The only people who are doing anything right now, it's you three. Alice knows and promised she wouldn't do anything. There is nothing to gain but pain and suffering from going after you. She has a daughter to think about, and she cares about her career.  
-It didn't stop Ferguson from going after each and every one of us.  
-She is not Joan. And out of everybody here, she is the most professional in a ten-mile radius. I hope just like Bridget you'll see that.

Vera left, her coffee in hand, couldn't there just a day when it'd feel like a stroll in a garden, just once.

* * * * *

-Will, I am not able to disclose anything without...  
-Vera said you sided with them. You owe us the reason.  
-Mate, she didn't say it like that.  
-As much as I don't condone what Joan did, I don't condone what you three did either. Friends or not.  
-Jake, you are the one who reported this to me, now man up. Bridget, what changed your mind ? You out of all people.  
-Because we knew nothing Will, that's a fact. Alice knew Fergu... Joan better than anybody here, and she had no idea what happened while she was here.  
-Jake, said she knew it was Allie's plan, and that we helped with it.  
-Vera said we didn't need to worry.  
-Vera's judgment has been quite good so far, started Bridget, I don't think Alice will do anything, she has her daughter to think of, and she has made tremendous breakthroughs since Blackmoore.  
-How would you know ?  
-She kindly gave me her file to read. And I've learned my lesson, Will.  
-Which was ?  
-Don't judge when you don't know. And even when you know, you never know the full extent of it.  
-So you think you were wrong ?  
-It's not that I think. I was wrong, Alice and Vera were right, it was very unprofessional and I could lose my job, again.  
-So could we all if Alice talks.  
-She won't Will. Vera made her promise.  
-I don't trust her. Bridget, if one of us falls, everybody follows.  
-I know which is why I decided to trust Vera and Alice's judgment. Wanna know what the funniest thing is ?  
-What ?  
-She isn't even angry at you all. Not even Vera for not standing up.  
-What do you mean ? Asked Jake.  
-Don't get me wrong, she despises you for what you've done. But she's pissed at herself. She keeps saying it's her fault, that she is the one to blame, tried to talk her out of it, and she wouldn't listen to me. Nor Vera. I've accepted the fact that I've done a mistake, that I was unprofessional, and that I probably hurt Joan deeper than intended in the first place. Why can't you ?

* * * * *

-Ah, Linda ! Please come in, I'm sorry for the mess, I'm still trying to organize the files.

The blonde looked around her eyebrows raised, as the only files were on the sofa and desk in neat piles.

-Yeah, looks like World War 2 if you ask me.

Alice laughed and invited Linda to sit near the window.

-I was starting to wonder when you'd come.  
-I know, I know, it's just been a bit wild with everyone coming back.  
-It's alright when it comes down to these sessions it should be when one feels ready.  
-I know...  
-So, is there anything you'd like to talk about ? Something you need to get out of your system ?  
-As if you didn't already know that.  
-True, but I like to ask people what they want to talk about because it feels appropriate, I'm just here to offer professional opinions but also to listen and try to help people understand.  
-I can see why you and Vera would be friends.  
-Oh really ?  
-Yeah, shame you didn't work with us before all of this happened. Things would have turned out differently.  
-Maybe, but the past is not something we can temper with now, ay ? I don't know if it's going to make you feel more at ease, but, I've been in a siege too.  
-For real ? Where ?  
-At Blackmoore, you probably heard of it. It was late 1990s, early 2000.  
-No way... Of course, I know of it, it was in the papers for weeks, months even.  
-I remember that yes.  
-So you were there ? Wow... I'm sorry it ever happened to you.  
-Likewise, Vera told me it happened in the laundry, and that you and several inmates were here.  
-Yeah, we were in lockdown but a good half of the inmates had no idea, we didn't want to create chaos, not that it wasn't chaos already. Gosh, it was the worst day I had ever had.  
-Surely it's not the only one, working into corrections, there must have been others.  
-Yeah, but these I kinda... Caused... The siege, it was different. We were powerless. I'm sorry, it's probably rude but...  
-Please ask away, we're here to chat.  
-Did you feel powerless, during the siege ?  
-No, I'm sorry. The difference between our sieges is that I could help. I was the one in power and so were the two Officers who helped me. And just like you we had... Casualties.  
-It was silly, I shouldn't have asked.  
-No, it's okay. I do know, however, what it feels like to be powerless.  
-Really ?  
-Yes, and I never want to feel like that again.  
-Me too... So does that mean you weren't scared either ?

Alice chuckled soon followed by Linda.

-I see you did your homework ! Again, I'm sorry but no. To be honest, I've never felt fear.  
-Never ? You're pulling my leg.  
-I'm not, I never felt fear. I don't know if I ever will. Some think it's cool, because it takes away a factor for not doing certain things, and because it allows me to speak my mind regardless of the outcome. And some think it's a bad thing for that exact reason, making me more apt to do risky things, put myself in danger, etc.  
-Gosh, I truly wish you had arrived before. Maybe we wouldn't have had to go through all of that.  
-I wish I had too. Though I cannot fathom empathy completely just yet, I saw how was our siege, and I saw Vera's face when she told me about yours. It's not something I would wish upon anyone.  
-Yeah, it was scary... At least to those who can feel it.  
-I already asked Allie what scared her, would you mind telling me as well ?  
-I guess it was just the fact we knew nobody was safe. I mean Sean, he... He would have killed us all, there is no doubt about that. Vera was in labor, he had shot two people, Marie was the reason they were here in the first place, you know he even killed a former Top Dog because she could have stopped Marie for good ?  
-He did ?  
-Yep, Kaz Proctor.  
-Kaz... Karen Proctor ?  
-That's the one, she was a good Top Dog, wasn't perfect and a bit lax, but she was a good one.  
-She wasn't one to cause trouble, was she ?  
-Not in the end, being Top Dog is a position nobody wants, you can see it, they start off with ideas about how they're going to make things better, how they want to change things, and it slowly gets back at them. It's exhausting.  
-I guess it wouldn't be that exhausting if the screws could do their job right.  
-What's that supposed to mean ?  
-The panic button.  
-Ah, well...  
-It's here for a reason, though they prefer to keep things between themselves.  
-Yeah, but the siege brought some of us together, it was... Not ideal but still, at least we were all in the same shit, and we saw each other for who we were.  
-I see you've worked on that, it's good. Did you take that initiative but yourself or did you see someone ?  
-Nah, I wanted to get back to work, not only do I need the money, but I actually like it. I wouldn't do anything else.  
-Like you've found a purpose or because it's all you know ?  
-More of an in-between, I mean... I know I'm not employee of the month, I've made my share of mistakes and fuck ups, but I like the job, there is a reason why we do it. And if we don't do it, if there was no one like us, who would do it ?  
-I like that thinking, I'm glad you came to that conclusion, but also that it didn't seem to leave too big sequels, sometimes people can develop PTSD, even in its smallest form.  
-For real ?  
-Yes, a siege is a traumatic event, so please if anything happens don't hesitate to come to me since we've already discussed the matter. Or any other Officer for that matter, whether it's me or Bridget.  
-I'll remember that, so...  
-Again Linda, feel free to say whatever is on your mind.  
-No, I know it's just... I don't know quite how to say this...  
-Well take your time, we have plenty of that right now.

Alice smiled and Linda furrowed her brows, rubbing temples.

-Does that concern the siege ?  
-No, it's... I'm sorry.  
-Why ?  
-I was... There... When they hanged her.

The smile slowly left Alice, and she breathed out, looking at the blonde who seemed to grow uncomfortable.

-Why are you telling me this ?  
-I don't know...  
-Vera told me what happened. I know you couldn't do anything, you had a shiv to your throat, plus I know nobody cared much for her.  
-I felt pity...  
-Gosh, I hope you never told her that !  
-No, I didn't, I didn't want to lose my tongue you know, laughed Linda.

Alice furrowed her brows, following the blonde's gaze towards the yard, until Linda directed her gaze to Alice's.

-I didn't care much for her. But I wish I could have helped. She had done horrible things, but I'm glad Vera cut that rope.  
-Yeah, Vera said she couldn't bear seeing it happen.  
-Me neither, I heard that Channing didn't want for any Officer to enter the yard, Vera disobeyed his order by saving her life. Officers reckon he wanted her dead.  
-Channing, the man who was sentenced ?  
-Yeah, for killing Murphy and Ferguson.  
-Do you happen to know why he would do that ?  
-No, I'm sorry, but for what it's worth I'm glad he is out of the picture, I never liked him.  
-Yeah, Vera and Bridget told me he wasn't liked around here. Joan probably loathed him if I'd dare to say.  
-So that true ?  
-What is ?  
-You actually knew her.  
-Yes, she was an Officer back in the days, during Blackmoore. Since we mentioned sieges. She was also in one, but she was scarred for life.  
-How was she ? I mean, before all of this.  
-I didn't know you were interested in her as well !  
-Well, she did scare me a little, she was particular, a good Governor but...  
-Can't deny that. I think you'd have liked her.  
-Now you're pulling my leg ! No way !  
-I'm serious, you would probably have been close !

Vera who was passing in the corridor heard laughing and turned around to look through the glass panel perplexed until a faint smile appeared on her lips upon seeing Alice and Linda having a good time. Warmth filling her body, she listened to the laughing feeling better and felt her phone ring in her pocket. She unlocked it and placed it next to her ear.

-Vera Bennett speaking.

Vera heard nothing but silence and looked around before looking at the phone.

-Who is this ?

Again silence, until Vera heard a ragged breath confirming the presence of the person at the other end.

-Hello ? Is this a prank ? Jake is that you ?

She heard a scoff and started thinking, who could call her at this time of the day ? She looked through the glass panel, her eyes falling on Alice still chatting with Linda and her eyes widened slightly, she had to try.

-Joan ?

The call ended abruptly after she heard a gasp and Vera nearly dropped her phone on the floor. She looked around and tried to regain some composure when she saw she was in the field of action of one of the numerous cameras in the corridors. She replaced the phone in her pocket and knocked on Alice's door, replaying the last minutes in her head trying to remember every detail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just strolls in the garden before another normal day at Wentworth or elsewhere *grin*  
> Things are starting to change ! And these phone calls will be getting longer ;p


	14. Chapter 14

-Vera, are you sure about this ?  
-Yes, I think... I mean, it happened quickly..  
-Alright, retrace the call for us, said Alice.  
-I said my name and I heard nothing, then I asked who was on the other end, I didn't hear anything but breathing, then I asked if it was Jake pranking me and I heard someone scoff, I just... I don't know, I wanted to hope.  
-What did you say ? Questioned Bridget.  
-I said her name. I said, Joan. And whoever was on the other end gasped and hang up.

Bridget was sat on the desk her arms crossed, an indescribable look on her face, while Alice was pacing up and down, in front of both Vera and Bridget.

-I mean, it was... I wanted to believe it...  
-Vera, it's normal. You out of all people would have asked that it's understandable. Said Bridget trying to gather her thoughts.  
-Alice ?

The brunette stopped pacing and turned to the women.

-You said you only heard breathing ? No cars, no city sounds ?  
-Hum, not that I remember... Why ?  
-Someone has been calling me too.  
-What ?!

Alice turned to Bridget who was now on her feet.

-When ?  
-It started last week, the last call was just a few days ago, before Vera came to my house to tell me what had happened that night.  
-And what did you hear ?  
-Breathing, cars, city sounds, not much. The person didn't talk. But I heard someone scoff too.  
-Could it be from a booth ?  
-Well, there is no actual number so what else could it be ? Especially if you heard quite a certain amount of cars.  
-Do you think it could be her ?

Bridget and Alice turned to Vera who was seated in the armchair, looking up to them, her eyes filled with renewed energy.

-It could be, said Bridget turning to Alice, what do you think ?  
-I don't know. But it might be.  
-Gosh...  
-What ?  
-No, it's just... I feel relieved ?  
-We don't know yet Vera..  
-I know, I know, but Bridget... It could be, the person gasped when I asked if it was Joan. And the number only called Alice and me.  
-Yes, I know, but why doesn't she talk then ?  
-She's ashamed.

This time it's Vera and Bridget who turned to Alice whose brows were furrowed, her fingers rubbing the bridge of her nose.

-Joan ? Ashamed ? Scoffed Bridget.  
-You think ?  
-It's obvious, remarked Alice.  
-To you maybe, but remember Joan is still a mystery to us, snarked Vera.  
-You still know more than me Vera, I merely just learned her real name.  
-She told you ?  
-Yes... Shouldn't I have..  
-It's alright, that can't do much harm as it is.  
-Anyways. Care to elaborate ? Cut Bridget.  
-Yes, right. If there is a possibility that the person who has been calling us is indeed Joan, she has good reasons not to talk. She's hurt you, maybe she came to the conclusion you had nothing to do with her being buried, which we all know you would have never partaken. You saved her life though she has made yours difficult, to say the least, you tried to put her in protection, and she refused until you couldn't anymore.  
-What about you ?  
-She must have seen me in town, or gone to my house and seen my car. Or just heard of me being back. I don't know. But she must feel like she shouldn't talk to us if she's ashamed. She knows she's done things that I won't approve of, that I tried to help her with. She probably thinks she deserves all that's happened to her.  
-So it's her punishing herself ?  
-It could be, she already did it in the past. She's distancing herself.  
-I just don't understand why she didn't go after anyone. Knowing her as we do, it would have been the most logical next step to whatever she could have had in mind.  
-Who says she hasn't tried ? Do you know of any incident that could prove it ?  
-I do...

Both Alice and Bridget turned their gaze to Vera, seemingly unaware.

-What do you mean ?  
-A while back someone was, someone was bribing me.  
-Joan ?  
-A former Officer... Murphy.  
-Why would Murphy bribe you ?  
-I might... I might have done something unethical..  
-Who in this room can claim they haven't done something unethical, Vera ?  
-Yeah, right... Anyways, she had been bribing me for an insane amount of money and left black leather gloves on my pillow, not only that but there were footprints the size of Joan shoe's.  
-And you think she might have orchestrated that ?

Vera nodded and Bridget looked at Alice and the brunette repeatedly.

-Why would she do that ? I mean she had plenty of money last time I saw her...  
-Yes, but technically, she was alive when she had plenty of money, maybe her bank account was closed ?  
-I wonder if I may share an idea ?  
-I'm sorry, of course, you're the only one capable of helping us understand Joan, what do you think ?  
-It is very likely that Joan got a hold of that Officer, depending on the work she was doing in the prison if they spent some time together. Very often Officers are bribed with money due to the pay they receive. Would that be the case from Joan's living ? With the money she had, she could have bought Murphy's loyalty and if she were to be alive right now, she'd have told Murphy what to do to mess with your head, though I don't know for whom the money might have been. Maybe she did envision going after you all, but somehow she didn't.  
-So there is a chance, however small, that it might be her ?  
-Yes, a thin possibility.

Vera felt a weight being lifted off her shoulders and Bridget joined her hands below her chin while Alice's brain was working. She knew how Joan must be feeling if it was indeed her. Feeling like she didn't deserve the help or even to contact them directly, but a tiny part of her was praying she would at some point. Just the thought of her in the streets alone and vulnerable made her insides twitch.

-We can't tell Will, Jake. We can't tell anybody.  
-So what ? We're supposed to lie ?  
-Yes, Bridget. We are. It's not as if we had never done that before. Remarked Vera.  
-Christ...  
-Do you have a better idea until we have confirmation ?  
-No, I don't... Alice, what do you think ?  
-Vera is right, we can't tell them. They would go to the police or try to find her. And something tells me I don't want Will Jackson to find her, given what happened last time.  
-Fair enough. But Jake ?  
-Jake is lacking a good dose of integrity, and he would go running to Will. After all, he told Vera that Will and Allie had to be warned because I knew it was them. Will probably told Allie after he asked you, Bridget, why you had changed your mind.  
-I see...  
-So what now ?

Bridget sat back down on the desk and Alice sat next to Vera shaking her head.

-I have no idea.  
-Well, that's a first, said Vera smirking.  
-Yes... I guess the best we can do is wait.  
-I wouldn't put my hopes up, just in case.

Vera looked up to Bridget nodding energetically, though she was repressing a smile from growing on her lips. Alice breathed out, closing her eyes for a few seconds. There was hope, and she intended to hold on to it until she knew the full picture. No matter what it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, I told you things were going to change XD
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this (short) chapter !


	15. Chapter 15

-You wanted to see me ?  
-Yes, please sit down.

Allie sat down on the chair in front of Will, interested.

-So what's new ?  
-Not much as far as I know. How are the women ?  
-They manage.  
-Things have been doing good so far, when do you reckon things are going to turn ?  
-I don't know. Nothing struck me, they seem to be getting their bearings again. I guess with all that happened they just want a bit a peace before the storm.  
-So you think something is brewing ?  
-Mister J, it's Wentworth, when are things not brewing under the surface ?  
-True... What about Boomer ?  
-Well, she's coping. That sentence was a bitch to her.  
-I know but it's procedure.  
-She did what Liz asked her. She shouldn't have been charged with manslaughter.  
-Allie..  
-She loved Liz like a mother. Everybody knows that.  
-I know... But I didn't have much say in it, the only thing I could do was to either slot her or let her walk freely.  
-I know... Thanks for that.  
-No problem, and Ruby ? I imagine things must have been hard since Rita left.  
-Yeah, she stays with us, still, she wishes Rita could phone though she knows why she can't.

Allie looked around before bending towards the desk.

-What about Marie ?  
-What about her ?  
-What's going to happen to her ?  
-She is to remain in isolation for the time being. But I can't keep her here forever. She'll have to be moved at some point. Bridget reckons her mental state could get worse if not taken care of.  
-They'll kill her if she steps out of isolation.  
-It's your job as Top Dog to make sure it doesn't happen.  
-Why would I do that ?  
-Because you're better than that, and because you said you wanted to make a difference. Or was that you talking out of your ass.  
-Chill Mister J. I'll do it, but I can't guarantee that it'll be successful. Can't you put her in protection ? After the slot ?  
-I don't know, she could try to bribe me, you know she has the material to do so. Plus I have the Board breathing down my neck since the siege, concerned about how I handled it.  
-You did what you could.  
-Vera would have handled it better.  
-Miss Bennett has been Governor before, she was also Deputy Governor, it's only fair that she would. But at least there weren't that many casualties.  
-Thanks, hopefully, we won't ever have to go through that again.  
-I'd drink to that if I could, said Allie laughing, was that all ?  
-You should be careful.  
-What about ?  
-We both know Alice knows what happened.  
-I'm not afraid of her Mister J. Plus she can't do anything, she's got too much to lose. We're holding her in the palm of our hands.  
-Still, she is dangerous, and there are other ways to mess with someone as we both know.  
-So what do we do about her ?  
-Nothing, for now, Vera and Bridget trust her, they believe her. We can't be seen messing with her.  
-So we wait ? For her to lose it ?  
-Something like that... Thanks for coming, we'll talk later.  
-Sure.

Allie stood and passed the door, escorted back by Jake.

-So how did things go ?  
-Quite alright.  
-What are you going to do ?  
-What about ?  
-Alice.  
-Why do you ask ? She's a member of the staff, making a move on her would just lengthen my sentence.  
-Just tell me if you need anything, to dig stuff on her or something.

Allie stopped walking and turned to Jake, she squinted and nodded.

-I'll take you up on that. If you're up to it ?  
-What do you need ?

Allie smiled and kept on walking towards her block followed by Jake.

* * * * *

-That's fucked up.  
-Not more than what we're used to.  
-Gidge, it would mean they failed it. She'd come after them if she knew.  
-Franky, if its Joan do you really think that she wouldn't have figured it out by now ? It's been what ? A year ?  
-My gosh, you're calling her by her name now, sweet ! So what, you're going to do nothing ? You won't involve the police ?  
-Why would we ? We aren't even sure it's her.  
-Yeah, but what if it is ? What you're going to do ? Sent her back to Wentworth ? With Allie ?? That's like putting her back in that box.  
-It's not our call to make.  
-Bullshit !  
-It's Joan's. Or Alice's if Joan can't make a decision if she's too messed up to think straight..  
-I can't believe it.  
-Franky ?

The brunette looked, up her hands resting on her forehead, staring at Bridget, who sat next to her.

-You have to promise me you won't tell anybody.  
-Gidge...  
-It's important Franky. We all messed up. And I won't make that mistake again, even if it concerns Joan, especially if it concerns her. Promise me.  
-At one condition.  
-Shoot.  
-I want to meet her.  
-Joan ?  
-No. Alice. I want to talk to her, make my own opinion.  
-Franky..  
-It's my condition, I want to meet her and see for myself. I want to know if I have a bad feeling about her or not.  
-Always following your guts, ay ?  
-Do we have a deal ?

Bridget sighed before smiling at Franky, sinking to her side, wrapping her arms around her waist.

-I'll ask Alice tomorrow.  
-What d'you reckon she's gonna say ?  
-I think she won't mind meeting with you, I think it'll surprise her.  
-Good, I like to surprise people.

Bridget laughed quickly followed by Franky who wrapped an arm around the blonde's shoulders. She had to prepare herself for that encounter.

* * * * *

Vera was walking up the prison grounds, pushing a pram, followed by Linda, who couldn't take her eyes off the little girl playing with her toys. The inmates started gathering, some whistled while others shouted, making Vera laugh, making sure not to bump into a rock.

-What's all that racket ? Asked Boomer.  
-No idea... Ugh, I don't want to get up.  
-Rough night, ay ? Asked Ruby.  
-Something like it, it's nothing, just... Something that needed taking care of.  
-What on earth are the others so taken in by ?  
-It's Miss Bennett !  
-Well done Sherlock she works here, teased Boomer.

Allie turned to the gate and her eyes widened, before smiling.

-And she's coming here.  
-What ?  
-Booms !

Boomer turned to face the woman and stood up quickly, playing with her hands. Vera was next to the table, baby Grace in her arms while Linda was guarding the pram and giving warning glares to the other prisoners, nodding towards the other Officers present.

-Grace this is... A friend. Booms this is Grace.

Boomer smiled, she wiped her face looking at the little girl who raised a tiny hand in her direction. She was looking at the hand before gazing at Vera who nodded. Boomer tucked a finger out and Grace grasped it, playing with it, making everybody's heart melt in front of such innocence.

-She's gorgeous Miss Bennett, said Allie.  
-Yeah well, she's taking after her mom right ? Added Ruby winking playfully at everyone.

Vera laughed and gazed at Boomer who seemed taken in by the little girl in her arms, she looked down at her daughter and back at Boomer who had not said anything.

-Do you want to hold her ?

Surprised, Boomer was taken out of her reverie looking at Vera unsure and a loss for words.

-I couldn't...  
-Of course you can, the only advice I can give you is to be careful with the head, the neck is not strong enough yet.  
-Come on Boomer !

In the Governor's Office Will was watching what was happening, Jake entered at this moment as Will had asked to see him.

-What's going on ?

Will pointed at the window and Jake stood beside him, his eyes widening immediately. Boomer was holding Grace in her arms, gently tickling her belly making the little girl laugh under the tender yet watchful eyes of everyone.

-What in the... How long has she been here ?  
-Less than ten minutes.  
-Fuck.

Jake left the Office towards the yard, passing Officers along the way. Vera was looking at Boomer who sat down on the bench next to Ruby and Allie.

-Ay, Grace, you probably can't understand much... But this is Allie, and this is Ruby. We're besties, you'll see you'll plenty of those.  
-Preferably from outside the bars, added Allie.  
-Vera.  
-What is it, said the brunette turning towards Linda.  
-Two a.m.

Vera turned her head and saw Jake arriving at a high pace. She sighed and put her hands on her waist, waiting for the confrontation.

-What's going on here ?  
-Mister Stewart, look, it's little Grace.  
-She's just too adorable.  
-She'll punch tits when she'll get older.  
-Jenkins, said Linda chuckling.  
-What ? She won't let anyone walk over her, ay ? You'll be strong, and loved, declared Boomer confidently.  
-Vera, what is this about ?  
-I promised her.  
-You promised an inmate ? This is a prison, Grace shouldn't be here.  
-I don't recall needing to ask permission. I promised Booms, she was there when I gave birth, so was Liz. We... I owe them, things could have gone wrong Jake. They didn't walk away, they could have, but they didn't. If you don't agree it's not my problem.

Vera turned to face the rest of the women, kneeling in front of Boomer who was holding Grace in a sitting position, seemingly taken in by Ruby's curly hair. Jake breathed out, staring at what was happening in front of him, before looking up to the Governor's Officer from where Will was looking down. He heard laughing and saw Grace standing with the help of Boomer, and the little girl clapping at her mother, a bright smile on her lips.


	16. Chapter 16

Alice and Vera were seated at the table having lunch, chatting with Linda. While Will and Jake were seated at the other end in a discussion as well, though their eyes were focused on Alice. Bridget entered at that moment, taking her lunch out of her bag, seating next to Linda, who pushed her stuff away to give her some room. There were few other Officers in the room and a male Officer went next to Alice, handing her files.

-The files for the new inmates.

Alice turned her head ever so slightly and took the files with her gloved hands, seeming to sniff something before putting the files next to her and Bridget. The man left and Alice rolled her eyes, clearly exasperated.

-What's wrong ? Inquired Vera.  
-That man needs a shower and to sober up.  
-Wilson ? Asked Jake.  
-Well yes, have you not noticed ?  
-I have, answered Linda, but it's not as if me telling him will change much now, will it ?  
-That's a job for the Governor, declared Vera looking above her bottle.  
-I'll make sure to tell him, before giving him an Official warning.  
-Where did you get the gloves from ?

Alice looked at Jake and smiled genuinely, feeling observed by the entire table.

-It was a gift from someone... Important. I've had them for well over six years.  
-They're still in good shape, it's like you never wear them.  
-I wear them almost every day. Are you unsettled by them ?  
-Joan was wearing the same kind, that's why they ask, informed Bridget.  
-Yes I know, she was already wearing them in Blackmoore.

Suddenly her phone rang.

-Excuse me.

Alice brought the phone in front of her face and nudged Vera who was about to bring the fork to her lips. She showed her the screen and Vera nudged Bridget's leg nodding at Alice. Under the perplexed eyes of the table.

_Incoming Call Unknown_

Alice stood up, going near the lockers under the watchful eyes of everybody, she pressed the answer button and brought the phone to her ear. The silence and wait smothering her, she breathed out and parted her lips about to speak.

-Who is this ?  
-It's me... Answered a raspy voice.

Alice took a deep breath, putting her hand over the mic of her phone and turned to Vera and Bridget.

-Romanovna.

Vera and Bridget shared a look before directing their eyes at Alice again.

-What's going on ? Asked Linda to Jake and Will.

Jake shrugged, both men were looking at the scene interested.

-Are you here ?  
-YA. Eto tak priyatno slyshat' vash golos.(I am. It's so good to hear your voice.)  
-Yours too... You're not alone, are you ?  
-YA na rabote, vashi byvshiye kollegi v komnate. YA khochu dokazatel'stvo togo, chto eto ty.(I'm at work, your former colleagues are in the room. I want proof that it's you.)  
-Former colleagues ? You're at Wentworth ?  
-Da, ya rabotayu tam. YA khochu dokazatel'stvo. Seychas.(Yes, I'm working there. I want proof. Now.)  
-You killed your family when you were a child and made it look like a robbery gone wrong. And I... I stabbed you once...

Alice's breath hitched, and she turned, going to her office at high speed. She opened the door and locked it, closing the shutters.

-Joan ?  
-Yes...

Alice allowed herself to relax as relief coursed through her veins. She was alive, she was still standing. That was one thing.

-You're the one who has been calling me and Vera, aren't you ?

There was a moment of silence coming from the other end and Alice continued.

-That's why you hang up when Vera said your name.

Again there was silence. Alice clutched her fist, feeling her anger rising by the seconds. After all that happened, she was only giving her the silent treatment. She took deeps breaths and kept on, realizing too late the coldness of her own voice.

-Pogovori so mnoy.(Talk to me.)  
-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called.  
-Joan, don't you hang up on me.  
-I'm sorry... For everything...  
_*bip*_  
-Joan ! Fuck !

Alice threw the phone on the wall and kicked the armchair, hurting her feet in the process, groaning.

"_-Fucking Hell Joan !_ "

At the other end of the call, Joan let go of the receiver, letting her back rest on the glass of the phone booth, taking deep breaths, playing with the end of her scarf. She wiped her eyes and left the booth, blending with the crowd.

* * * * *

Vera watched as Alice left the room, feeling a growing smile trying to make its way on her lips, she tried to suppress it the best she could and nodded to Linda who looked like a fish out of water.

-Well, that seemed like an important phone call, stated Jake.  
-And in Russian, Gosh, that's impressive. I wonder who was on the other end. Maybe that name she said Roma-something

Bridget gave a side look to Linda before looking at Will, who seemed suspicious.

-Well, unfortunately for you all, I'm just a forensic psychologist who doesn't speak a word of Russian, said Bridget chuckling.  
-Like everybody here, started Jake, maybe it was for work.  
-Hum, Linda sorry about a few days ago... Started Vera, trying to change the conversation.  
-No worries, we had already talked about the important stuff anyway.  
-What happened, inquired Jake.  
-I had a session with Alice.  
-You went to see Alice ?  
-Well yes, she suggested, so I went to her.  
-How did it go ? Asked Will.  
-It went great, she's fun ! Wouldn't think so looking at her, she's nice too. I had a blast. Hey, you knew she had been in the siege that took place at Blackmoore, my, she must have seen a thing or two.

Everybody at the table went silent as Linda resumed eating before sensing the change in the atmosphere, looking up at everyone present.

-What did I say ?  
-Nothing... It's just nobody but us knows about her, informed Vera.  
-Oh...  
-Yes, which is why it would be most appreciated if you kept the things Alice told you to yourself.  
-Inmate and staff alike ?  
-Inmates especially, imagine what they would do if they knew her history.  
-You mean about her knowing Ferguson ? Or her being a former inmate of Blackmoore ?

Everybody turned to Linda as if she had just told them the secret of the universe.

-She told you, inquired Bridget.  
-No I... I told her what happened when she was... Hanged. I mean I told her I was there and I couldn't... She's right I should let this be in the past. I can't change it.  
-It's not your fault Linda, she got what she deserved. Interjected Will.

Vera stared at Will, a fire behind her eyes while Bridget nearly choked on her water. Linda looked down, feeling guilty, she knew exactly why she had told her. It had been her fault she had been ganged. She had not paid attention, she took her time to change the angle of the cameras, she had not thought that maybe someone was waiting for this opportunity to jump at her. And ever since that day she had seen the woman differently, amazed by how she rose above it, like it had given her more strength. Linda still was afraid of what she could do, but that didn't mean she wanted her dead or ganged, especially not that. All that blood... Linda breathed deeply while Vera furrowed her brows before placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. Bridget eyed Will and Jake before seeing Alice come back visibly flustered.

-How was your work call ? Interrogated Will.

Alice sat back at the table, her face neutral, yet dead behind the eyes, she placed her gloved hands on the table and brushed a tuft of hair back into her ponytail. Before staring at Vera and Bridget.

-It was short. Wasn't of much use. But I stand by I previously said.

The table watched as Vera and Bridget seemed to understand whatever that was, a smile growing on Vera's lips. Linda was still too focused on her food to even realize Alice was back. Will was staring at Alice, giving her almost the same look, except for the fire burning behind her eyes. She took off her gloves, her eyes still on Will. She placed them next to her and caressed them with the tip of her fingers, feeling the growing uneasiness of some people in the room, enjoying it. She saw Will swallow and trying to keep staring at her. Bridget shared a look with Vera, and she stood going to Linda.

-Why don't we just go somewhere calm ? Come.

Linda stood and followed Bridget out of the room, Bridget turned to everyone when Linda was gone.

-Don't kill each other. That's an order. I'll take care of Linda. And Alice we'll have to talk, but it can wait.

The door closed and Vera turned to Alice placing a soft hand on the one caressing the black leather glove. Alice broke eye contact with Will, gazing at Vera who was smiling at her, as in an understanding that she had understood the message.

-What's going on ? Did we miss something ?  
-That doesn't concern you Jake, nor you Will. It was an important phone call. That's all you need to know.  
-Vera, she doesn't have to answer to you only.  
-I'm the Regional Manager and I appointed her, meaning she answers to me, she can also report to you. But as of late you haven't made her want to talk to you.  
-I think she can talk for herself, tried Jake.  
-Yes, you're right Mister Stewart, I can. But maybe I enjoy seeing this, she said motioning to the table.  
-You find amusing ?  
-No, I find this interesting. Amusing would be if you started going on your high horses for no reason. That phone call was private, meaning it only concerns me and the people I want to include. I know you don't trust me and probably never will for your reasons which in case you have failed to notice I still haven't asked.  
-Why don't you ask then ?  
-Because I don't need to. You're easy to read, and if I was sure no one would enter this room or could hear by just standing on the other side of the door, I'd say exactly why you behave the way you do.  
-Well say it then, I bet you're bluffing.  
-Oh, so it's not because you think you're right and you did the right thing ? Thinking it was justified, like people deserve such treatment, people who in a way can't help themselves ? Blame the one who is too hard to understand, hate the one who doesn't think like you, use them as a scapegoat for your frustration, wish death upon them. You make a fine Governor.  
-She was worst.  
-I never said the contrary, said Alice staring at Will, I mostly pointed out reasons, and you went back to her like a shield to protect yourself, trying to give yourself right. The right to chose whether someone lives or dies. In a way, you're not so different from her. The only, major difference being she thought what she was doing was justified and right because she wanted to avenge Jianna. Wait. Which reminds me of something, no, someone. Bea Smith. Everyone here sees her as a hero. Yet she has done the same things than Joan did. She has abused people, she manipulated you, her, you too, Alice said turning to Vera, yet Will you would defend her with your life. Bea Smith and Joan Ferguson have done the same thing, all of that for what ? Revenge for someone they loved. And do not start me about Novak. Most of Joan's actions are unconscious, Bea's, Novak's ? Well, they seemed to be pretty aware.  
-So was Ferguson.  
-Mate calm down.  
-Don't, Jake.  
-Joan was the victim here and you didn't even see it. What did she bring out ? What was inside of you, raging to come out, and she brought it out and you didn't like the look of it.  
-Whatever you're trying to do won't work.  
-I'm not trying to do anything, just pointing out the obvious. Bea and Joan were so similar, all the things I've read, all I've heard. Yet you put Bea Smith on a pedestal and decided to ruin Joan even more. Why ? Because she did what she thought was right ? Can you begrudge her that when in the end you acted exactly the way she would have ?

Will fell silent, Jake had watched their verbal jousting with round eyes, thinking about what Allie had told him, having second thoughts. Vera furrowed her brows, Alice's words insinuating themselves in her mind, making her think. How could she have not seen it ? She had yet again been proven that her deduction skills had not been the greatest in the past. She'd have to ask Alice to help with that, maybe Bridget and she could learn a thing or two. Bea and Joan... Just like Vera and Joan were not so different...


	17. Chapter 17

Alice was holding Frannie's hand, leaving the school grounds, they passed the gate and were about to go towards the car when a voice stopped them.

-Miss Olivier, wait !  
-What is it ?  
-Frannie forgot her scarf and someone asked me to give you this.  
-What is it ?

The teacher took something out of her pocket and gave her a box along with Frannie's scarf.

-Thank you, Miss Hudson, do you happen to know who it was that left this here ?  
-No, she didn't say.  
-So it was a woman ?  
-Yes, it looked like it.  
-Was she tall ? 6ft. Dark hair.  
-More like gray hair, but yes I think so, do you know her ?  
-Yes, thanks again. We'll see you tomorrow.  
-Goodbye. See you, Frannie.  
-See you.

The teacher left them alone and Alice looked at the package in her hands, she opened it and her lips parted when she saw the content. Suddenly she felt Frannie tug her sleeve.

-Mom, mom.  
-What is it ?  
-Mama is over there !  
-What ?

Alice looked up to where Frannie was pointing but there was no one, she gazed at her daughter who seemed confused, looking around.

-She was there, I swear Mom !  
-I believe you moya malen'kaya devochka.(my little girl.)

Alice looked at the necklace in the package and warmth spread through her body, she kneeled and removed the hair from Frannie's shoulders.

-What is that ?  
-It's something Mama promised to give you.  
-Really ?  
-Yes, you see that you can open it and you can put pictures if you want.  
-Like yours... Like Mama's.  
-Yes, just like that.  
-Why doesn't she give it to me in person, I saw her Mom, she was there, said Frannie pointing at the corner of the street.  
-Come... Let's go home, you probably have homework and next time try not to forget your scarf. You could catch a cold.  
-Alright, Mom...

Alice opened the car, she went to the driver's seat and sat down waiting for Frannie. When they were both seated Alice looked into her rearview and right as was going to shift her gaze something caught her attention. She opened her window cleaning the rearview with her thumb and saw the person clearer now. Her jaw tightened, and she looked straight ahead, she didn't want to come forward and Alice wasn't going to run after her, as much as it pained her. She started the engine and left the parking slot, closing her window in the process seeing the woman come out from behind the street corner, her hand brushing her hair away from her forehead before dropping it to her side, seemingly defeated.

* * * * *

-Thanks again for agreeing to come on such short notice. I know it came as a surprise...  
-It's alright Bridget, I just had to make sure I could have someone taking care of Frannie. And as for me being surprised, not so much, I was expecting something like that.  
-Who did you leave her with ?  
-Vera.  
-Right... Hum, this way.

Bridget led Alice to the living room, the women entered and Alice continued to take in her surroundings, her eyes inevitably falling on a third person.

-Good evening. Francesca, I presume.  
-It's Franky and yeah, good evening.  
-Alice kindly accepted your request to talk to her, I hope I can go to the kitchen and come back to you both in one piece.  
-Of course, maybe we could sit while waiting for you ? Suggested Alice.  
-Great, so you both sit down and I'll go fetch some wine. I think we'll need it.

Alice nodded as Bridget left towards the kitchen, she sat on the sofa, placing her bag next to herself, her eyes scanning her surroundings. It was looking rather modern, and she smiled at the sight of the multitude of pictures. She could see Francesca sitting on the edge of the sofa from the corner of her eye and turned her head to face her, smiling softly at the woman before her, whose face expressed focus. They heard the faint sound of liquid being poured and saw Bridget appear with three glasses filled with wine, before going back to the kitchen to grab the bottle. She looked at the two women before sitting in between them.

-I guess we can begin.  
-So, why could you possibly want to meet with me ? Inquired Alice.  
-Because Gidget over here has been telling me stuff.  
-Gidget ? Alice said glancing at the blonde, And what is that supposed to mean ?  
-I don't know if you're playing a game but..  
-Franky.  
-No, you let me finish. This is important. You say you trust her, that you believe the things she says. I want to make my own opinion. Because this woman has made you back away from your assessment of Ferguson and you are ready to put yourself on the line and hide stuff from Mister J and Mister Stewart. So I want to know what the hell you fed her with.  
-Franky, there is no need to assault her.  
-She did prison, she can handle it. So, wanna explain to me ?  
-Since you asked so kindly, sure.  
-See, she's fine, answered Franky her eyes on Bridget, First I want to know how you know Ferguson.  
-As you so nicely mentioned I served time in prison, as I matter of fact I was stationed at Blackmoore when I was younger, Joan was an Officer there.  
-What else.  
-She asked me to protect someone. I couldn't.  
-That must have been a hard one to swallow.  
-Franky !  
-It's alright Bridget. Yes, it was, but in the end, I learned my lesson. Plus I left a few months after that and lost touch with Joan. We met a few years after my release.  
-Don't stop for me. I want the whole story.

Alice looked up into Francesca's eyes, she could see a fire burning and a certain pride. From the way she was seated to how she spoke to her, asked, well. More like demanded to know about her past and Joan's. If she wanted the whole story, that was exactly what she was going to give her, just... Not as she would first expect.

-She asked me to assess her, give her a professional point of view. Oh, and of course, how could I forget, we started sleeping together.

Franky laughed dry until she saw the seriousness on Alice's face. Clearly taken aback by the information while Bridget nearly choked on her wine, not expecting such straightforwardness.

-What ? I thought you wanted the whole story, you should choose your words more carefully next time. Or I might end up telling you the whole story.  
-You mean you and her, for real ?  
-Yes.  
-You dated ? Unbelievable. You can do better.  
-I never said we dated at that moment in time. I said we were sleeping together. We didn't date until, well, a year or two after that.  
-For real ? Asked Franky her eyes wide.  
-Well yes, why would I lie ? What's there for me to gain from lying to you ? To you both. Except maybe losing the trust I tried to gain since I first set foot here a month ago. People like me don't make friends easily, because trust, is hard to gain and even harder to keep. We are born manipulators and excel when it comes to using words. But that doesn't mean we are like that all the time. The situation needs to be right.  
-And this isn't right ?  
-As I said. I worked at gaining this trust Bridget has bestowed upon me. I have been honest since the beginning. Vera has given me a task and I intend to do it to the best of my abilities. Help the women of Wentworth, it's why I am in this field. As I told Bridget, if the people who helped me had behaved the same way as she did with Joan, I wouldn't be here right now. I would very likely still be in Blackmoore.

Bridget took her sip from her wine, giving a side look to Franky who seemed to be thinking, taking in all the information given to her. She saw her girlfriend rest her arms on her knees getting closer to Alice.

-Honestly, what did you see in Ferguson ? That woman is poison to everyone.  
-Is ?

Alice directed her gaze to Bridget who gave her a "I can't hide her much, she won't let me" kind of look. Alice sighed and drank from her glass before setting it on the table.

-I'll try to keep this short.  
-I've got time.  
-Franky, warned Bridget.  
-I'm going to try to keep this short for me. Francesca. First of all, Joan Ferguson isn't her real name. And, she continued before Franky could cut her, it is not mine to disclose to you. Therefore let's move on. When I first met her, when she was an Officer. She seemed kind, assured, like she couldn't be broken, a woman made of steel. But even the strongest of steels can bend at the right temperature. She was broken at Blackmoore, in her childhood, teenhood, adulthood. She had been broken all her life. She thought she was abnormal. That she was a freak. I can't even begin to tell you how many times that word was used to describe her, monster, abnormal, error of nature. We reconnected after meeting in a bookstore, two months or so after that she asked me if it would be alright for me to see her. As a patient. I told her I was not practicing yet, but she didn't care. She just, she had done terrible things, and she didn't want to believe this was all that there was for her.  
-Wow, you're going to make me tear up.  
-Franky ! You asked. She didn't have to come and answer your questions.

Franky lifted her hands in retaliation, before laying back on the couch.

-Joan had loads of unhealed traumas, due to her father, his... Teachings. But also her actions, people around her, Jianna's death only added more to it. She had been inbred with the knowledge that _she'll never be good enough for anyone_. _That no one could ever love someone like her_. _That people would discard her at the first sign of complication_. That _emotions lead to mistakes_ and that she shouldn't be bothered with them. To see the look on your face it does ring a bell to you. I guess that means you're familiar with abuse as a child. I know I struck a cord, you have the same look Joan had when I told her that fact. My gosh, she practically left running and only came back a week later. Is there something else you'd like to know ?  
-I'm sure she'd be happy about you spilling her life like that.  
-Probably not, but she isn't there isn't she ? Plus it's not as if it was going to hurt her, right ? Unless you plan to use some of what I said against her, for a certain dark deed that you'd want to accomplish ? No ? Then why worrying about it ?  
-Franky, why don't you ask her right now ?  
-Because I'm having so much fun as it is, teased Franky without a smile, Whatever, Bridget's told me you claim Ferguson or whatever her name is, is not a psychopath.  
-Because she never was.  
-What makes you say that ?  
-Do you really want to know or are you just..  
-I want to know. Bridget said she was sure, she strongly believed it. She made the assessment.  
-Bridget and I have already assessed the fact that her diagnosis was based on no ground, that she was quick to judge her and to send her on her way, I believe she already mentioned that to you too ?  
-She has... Tell me.  
-Alright. Joan knows fear and I don't, not really. The siege we were both into can prove it. She felt empathy and I couldn't, I have started to feel more when we started spending time together. That is in my file that I graciously offered to Bridget as a bedside lecture.  
-She can't feel shit. Retorqued Franky.  
-Lzhets, lzhets, shtany v ogne.(Liar, liar, pants on fire.)  
-Excuse me ?  
-Liar, liar, pants on fire.  
-Is this a joke to you ?  
-No. Is it to you ?  
-Why are we even losing time with you.

Franky stood up passing, a hand in her hair, going behind the couch.

-Did Bridget tell you about my daughter ?  
-You have a daughter ?  
-Ah, good. I do have a daughter. Her name's Frannie.  
-Cool name.  
-And you know, she is a quite good student, she's even considered a genius.  
-Wow, how proud must you be, teased Franky.  
-Very much so indeed. But you know, that is not the most interesting detail.  
-Oh really ? What could be the most interesting detail ?  
-Haven't you guessed already ?  
-You lost me...  
-I didn't bear my daughter. Her other mother did.

Bridget gasped, nearly letting go of her glass, her eyes wide. She had yet to read that part of Alice's file. Franky looked at Bridget surprised by her reaction before looking back at Alice who was smiling.

-Oh, another lesbo, sweet ! And who is her other mother ?  
-Well, Joan Ferguson of course.

Franky scoffed, looking at Bridget waiting for her to deny the allegations, when she heard no protests she turned back to Alice shocked.

-No fucking way !  
-And I who thought the resemblance was striking enough.  
-She's telling the truth Franky...  
-How would you know ?!  
-It's in her file, all this for most is in her file. Well, files. Files that she tempered for Will Jackson not to know, and we all know the reason behind that. I was the one to get my hands on them, Will thought he needn't reading them, so it was quite easy. So that's the part you tempered with... Now it makes sense why they both look alike...

Franky sat back down, her hands joined at her lips.

-Fuck...  
-Franky... I know it's, it's a lot to digest. But nobody is asking you to suddenly like Joan.  
-I'm surprised you didn't mention it to me, Bridget, I thought you'd ask me about it the moment we started talking about Joan, Alice shot a look to the blonde before staring into Franky's eyes, You merely wanted to know the truth, I didn't feel like telling you anything, yet I came decided I wanted for you to know the full picture. Though it's always impossible to know the full extent of someone's life, no matter how long and hard you work on it.  
-Who knows about this, inquired Franky her eyes alternating between Bridget and Alice.  
-Well, now there is Alice, Vera, me and you. Linda, Will, and Jake don't know one-third of what you know. Vera's been keeping Jake and Will at arm's length so that Alice could have some peace for the time being.

Alice smiled at the mention of Vera and Franky sat on the edge of the couch her hands joined.

-I have your words ?  
-What about ?  
-She isn't a psychopath, she wanted to be helped. Fuck, after all she's done...  
-You have my words, not that I think you'll put much value in them anyway. I can't change your perception of Joan, I can only tell you the missing pieces to help you understand. Because as I told my colleagues before you, Bea, you, most everybody in Wentworth, me, we were all alike. We manipulated, lied, hurt, killed, used people to get what we wanted. Whether it was revenge, privileges, drug supply, or else. Yet have we been lynched ? Have you been deemed a psychopath by everyone ? No, because they knew you, they knew more than you knew about her. Knowledge is power, Francesca. As a lawyer, you should know that. So have I passed your test ?

Alice drank from her glass, letting the savor of the wine roll on her tongue before swallowing, she needed the drink at this point, but that didn't mean she couldn't enjoy the taste while doing so. She was staring at Franky who seemed to be reflecting on the past hour, Bridget still seated between them put her glass down, her eyes on Franky as well, waiting for her answer, whatever it might be. She saw Franky exhaling, before touching her kite necklace.

-Okay.  
-I'm sorry ?  
-I'll give her, you both, the benefice of the doubt. I can't forget what she did, the people she's hurt, what she did to my friends... But I learned to trust the facts thanks to my job. And you brought the facts. And you're right, we all... We all have hurt people the way she did...  
-I'm glad we could come to an agreeing point. Hopefully, we won't have a repeat of this evening. At least in that context.  
-But if you ever hurt Miss Bennett or Bridget, you'll have to answer to me. And so will she.  
-Franky !!  
-It's alright Bridget, it's a fair concern that needs to be addressed. And truth to be told I wasn't expecting any less of you Francesca. I can't promise you that I won't lie, but I can promise not to hurt them. As for Joan, if someone hurts her, they'll have to answer to me and I have never played nice.

Alice raised her glass towards Franky, staring at her. The brunette took her glass and tapped it softly against Alice's before they drank their silent understanding under Bridget's watchful eyes.

* * * * *

Vera had just put Grace to bed, she was going downstairs to wash the very few dishes resting on her counter, thinking, wandering back at her first days at Wentworth. How much she had grown since then, how much she had learned as well. Twenty years does the trick, and she came out with more than a few. The building had burned, they had had to renovate, she had been Deputy Governor to an innumerable number of Governors, and the inmates... She had seen so many. And though she couldn't remember most of them, some had left an indelible mark on her. It was what had helped her grow as well, seeing all these women, their mistakes, the way prison changed some for the best, or the worst. Her mind wandered back to when she had met Alice as well, Gosh knows she had been scared out of her wits ! She had never actually met anyone categorized as a psychopath before, saying that she had been impressed would have been an understatement. She had been drinking everything Alice had told her, not caring whether it was true or not. She was younger than her and yet had seen so much, gone through so much. She had this wisdom about life in general of how to go through it that had always intrigued her, even to this day, sometimes she failed to understand her, but she tried. Vera stopped washing the dishes, why hadn't she tried with Joan ? She had tried with Alice, she had put in the effort, why didn't she try with Joan ? Vera sighed, it was probably going to be one of those questions she'd never have the answer to. Suddenly her phone started ringing and Vera cursed trying to find a towel to dry her hands. When she finished, she quickly pulled out her phone and hit the answer button before the call would end.

_Incoming Call Unknown_

Vera held her breath and placed the phone next to her ear, that's when she heard it, cars, people talking, seemingly passing by.

-Joan ?

Vera held her breath, knowing all too well that it was her, but she wanted to see if she was going to talk or let her do the talking. When she heard no response she remembered Joan was probably using a booth and she sized her courage before it decided to fly away. It was now or never. She had to tell her.

-Joan, I'm sorry... I didn't know... What happened that night, I had no idea.

Vera heard sniffing and furrowed her brows. Was Joan crying ? She felt her own eyes tickle her and rubbed them harshly.

-I know you won't talk, you probably think I was part of doing this to you, I can't say I understand why. Though Alice thinks you don't think I had any part in it... But... I've... I miss you. Things haven't been the same without you. I mean... I don't regret the snarky remarks and plots to bring me down... I'm sorry that came out wrong. What I mean is... Despite all of that, if I had known what was going to happen if I had been told... Gosh... I would... I would have...

Vera felt warm tears streaming down her cheeks and she sniffed, hearing a ragged breath coming from the other end.

-Gosh, you must think I'm a soft and pathetic mouse for crying like that over a phone... But I saved you because I cared. Here I said it. It's not just my humanity. I couldn't let you die because you didn't deserve what they were doing to you. After all that you had done, I just couldn't let it happen. My loyalty had always been with you. You were my friend, and I think at some point I was yours too... Or at least I want to believe that... I'm sorry I pushed you away, I tried to understand Alice but I failed you...

Vera rested her back against the wall, closing her eyes, transported by the sounds coming from the receiver.

-I think about what happened often, and it always brings me back to when you arrived, how easily impressed I was, how much I thought I could learn from you. I kept telling myself that I wanted to make you proud because I had heard a few things about you and you seemed like a Guvna' that would make things different. That would change things for everyone... And you did, you changed things forever... But it's not the same without you... Alice... Will has been hard on her, Jake just follows, as always.

Vera heard a faint scoff and she smiled, wiping some tears away.

-They don't trust her because of how she was born, while she never did anything to them, they associate her with... Vera breathed out, refraining herself from saying they associate her with you it'd do more harm than good, She's a great woman, and she's a great friend. And I'd do anything for her, I promise I'm not going to let Will nor Jake or anybody else hurt her or Frannie.

Vera heard a distinct gasp and she opened her eyes, that's right, Joan had last seen Frannie when she was three... At least as far as she knew. And to think she was about to turn nine...

-I know about her, I know about you too. Gosh, she looks so much like you, it's insane ! Her expressions are Alice's though, but she's a great kid. She's a very smart one, acing all her classes, she skipped-grades you know, you'd be proud of her... She looks like a tiny you, with that fencing attire, and Gosh her Russian...

Suddenly Vera felt her mouth turn dry.

"- _Come on Vera you can do it._ "

-I... I have a daughter too.

Vera heard the breathing stop and she scoffed, rolling her eyes.

-Yeah, I know, who would do that to me, right ? I have you to thank for that, well, you and Jake... She's the most precious thing ever, and I don't regret her... No matter what you think. She is the best thing that ever happened to me, she's amazing... Even if I'm dead scared of... turning into my mom... You've taught me so much. And it hurt when I told you otherwise. But I so wanted for you to hurt, to show emotions, anything, it was so frustrating to see you always so composed no matter what. I... loved you you know... And I wanted to hurt you, but in the end, I couldn't, even when I told you about visiting you at the psychiatric facility you stayed impassive, I wanted to believe it was because you hated me, but thinking back at it, maybe you just didn't remember at all... But I visited you often, as I did with Fletcher, even though you had asked me not to. I wanted to see you, how you were doing, I never told anyone, maybe I'll tell Alice at some point...

Vera sighed and tried to listen to any sign that Joan was still listening, she heard breathing and rested her head on the wall.

-I'm glad you're alive and I hope we'll... I hope we'll be able to mend things between us. To make things right...

Vera heard the tonalities and felt empty, the arm with the phone now hanging loosely along her thigh. She had just poured her heart out, and she felt so much lighter, so much that she could practically fly. She still felt her heart pounding thinking of the moment they just shared. Vera had omitted certain details though, she had planned on admitting helping Bea get out of the prison ground to go to her, but in the end, she couldn't, she'd have to tell her face to face and something... Else... She put her phone back into her pocket and looked at the remaining dishes in the sink, turned her heels toward her bedroom. Hoping for a dreamless night.  
Joan still had the receiver clutched in her hand still harboring faint traces of the burns, her head lowered, she wiped tears away putting it back where it belonged. Love. A part of her wanted to believe it, God knows she had too. And she had pretended it had vanished when she had betrayed her trust. There was something upon hearing their voices that had soothed her in ways she couldn't describe, she knew she could relapse at any moment, her father always lurking in the shadows, she had nothing to ground her but the sound of their voices. But deep down she knew _she_ would come up again and that she'd want to make things right, that she had put so many people through things they had never wanted. _She_ would make things right. That _she_ was going to make it right. And Joan was afraid of what it meant for Vera and Grace.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this little flashback came out of the blue when I had no idea as to what to write, I decided to go for a moment that was a turning point in their relationship ; )
> 
> It was a hard one to write, and I thought of the (last and only) dinner at Joan's, that she and Vera shared, and two episodes, Goldfish and The Living and The Dead (if my memories serve me well) for her unraveling.
> 
> Enjoy °°°°\\_( ^_^)_/°°°° (pretend it's LGBT+++++ flags XD)

Joan was pacing up and down in her living room, her steps muffled by her slippers. She had been in this state for the last hour, bouncing between taking the phone and actually making the call and putting it down, listing the cons and pros over and over again.

"_-Emotions lead to mistakes._ "

Upon hearing her father's voice echoing in her mind Joan stopped and sat down on her sofa, letting her hands rest on her knees.

"_-Goddammit, Joan, get a grip, it's just a phone call ! You have already called people before. What's the worse that could happen ? You just want to spend some time with her, nothing wrong with that !_ "

Joan let her back rest on the pillows, rubbing the bridge of her nose, trying to think logically.

"_-There is no logic in this. I'm nervous about a phone call, the worse could be she's busy and can't free herself. Or she could just not be interested in spending any more time with me, more than we already are._ "

The brunette exhaled, trying to rid her body of the tensions, she turned her head toward her diner table and considered her options.

"_-If you don't call, you'll never know, plus, it's not as if it had to mean anything. You've become quite fond of spending time with her. Nothing wrong with that !_ "  
" _-No one cares about you, no one misses you._ "

Joan could feel her father's words trying to overpower the rest, creeping, trying to get to the surface, trying to appear before her very eyes. She straightened her back, joining her hands on her abdomen, taking a deep breath, before exhaling just as deeply. She repeated the action several times trying to relax and focus her mind on the feeling of the air in her body, the way her muscles let go of the tension. Joan opened her eyes and started looking around, nothing. A smile graced her lips, and she twirled a strand of ebony hair between her fingers. She stood up and went towards the phone.

"_-Joan Ferguson, you're no coward, it's merely a phone call to ask her to have dinner with you. And stalling will not help your case. So. Make. That. Phone. Call._ "

Joan picked the phone and composed the number, hearing the tonalities, it felt like an eternity before she heard the person at the other end pick up.

-Hi !  
-Alice... Hum hey ! It's me...  
-Yes I know, your name appeared with your phone number. Is everything alright ?  
-Yes, yes it's... I'm fine.  
-Oh, okay, I thought something had happened since it's usually why you'd call.

Joan cursed herself, of course, she'd think that. She placed a tuft of hair behind her ear before grasping her necklace, playing with it.

-I know I'm... I'm sorry...  
-Don't worry it's alright, I'm happy to help whenever you need. After all, it's what we said we'd do right ?  
-Yes, right, right.  
-So...  
-So what ?  
-Why are you calling me if you're fine ?

The older woman felt the words get stuck in her throat, her hands starting to sweat.

"_-Chert voz'mi !(Fucking Hell !) It started alright, just keep on ! She's reaching out for you, take your chance !_ "

-I hum... I was wondering if you'd... Well you know...  
-Yes ?  
-Ugh...  
-Take you time, I'm not in a hurry.  
-I was wondering if you'd like... Maybe to have dinner... With me...

Joan heard nothing coming from the other end and mentally smacked herself, what had she been thinking, what had she been hoping for. No one cared.

-It's alright if you don't want to... It was stupid of me to ask... I know you don't..  
-Joan, stop.

The older woman didn't have the time to finish her sentence, what now ? She started fidgeting with her necklace, her grip tightening on the phone.

-I'm sorry if you interpreted my silence as refusal, truth is you took me by surprise, which I don't often get, I'll admit. And you're right I don't usually do dinner with people.

Joan was drinking her words, a Damocles sword hanging above her. Alice on the other hand was smiling behind the receiver, she had not been surprised one bit by Joan asking her over for dinner. She knew she could muster the courage to ask her, all she had to do was to do it, to be _vulnerable_. Precisely what she had to work on.

-I'd like to have dinner with you. To spend some time together that isn't session related will do us good.

Joan felt a weight being lifted from her shoulders, she smiled, feeling a warm feeling spreading through her.

"_-She said yes, O bozhe moy...(Oh my gosh...) What do I say now ?! I don't even know what I'll do. Sure as I was for her to say no..._ "

-Joan ? Are you alright ?  
-Hum, yes I am... I was just, I didn't expect a yes.  
-I know, but it's still a yes. So what did you have in mind, if you had anything ?  
-My place ? Tonight ?  
-Sounds good to me, would you like me to bring something ?  
-Hum...

Joan went towards her fridge and opened it, before treating the freezer the same way.

-Wine ? I have Vodka but..  
-Wine it will be, should I take a Shiraz or ?  
-Surprise me !  
-My pleasure, what time ?  
-Is seven alright ?  
-Yes, I guess it's settled then.  
-Yes...  
-Well, I'll see you tonight, at seven, with the wine.  
-Great, hum... See you tonight.  
-See you tonight.

Alice hung up, looking at the phone, a thin smile taking place on her lips, this evening sure promised to be interesting.  
At the other end Joan breathed out, feeling relieved, numb, her heart pounding mercilessly without her consent. She felt excited about tonight though she still had no idea what she was going to make or wear, but she didn't care. Because tonight she was going to have dinner with Alice and nothing could go wrong.

* * * * *

Joan was finishing to set the table when she heard knocks on the door, she glanced at the clock seeing the arrows indicating seven. She went towards the door, not without looking at her reflection one last time. She had opted for jeans and a black shirt that showed her cleavage more than she liked, but her wardrobe didn't have much choice when it came to that kind of clothes, she had also decided to let her hair down, covering her shoulders. Joan heard knocking again and unlocked the door, falling face to face with Alice.

-Good evening.  
-Likewise, I've got this to put in your fridge.

Joan took the bottle of wine in her hands, raising an eyebrow.

-Pinot ?  
-I didn't know if you had already tried it, it's an excellent wine and I have several bottles, so I thought it'd be appropriate.

The older woman had not really heard the explanation, given she had been looking at Alice, she was wearing an ankle-length skirt and a spaghetti top making her gaze at her chest, while her hair was trapped in a loose bun, strands falling graciously on her shoulders.

-Like what you see ?

Joan was taken out of her thoughts, a slight blush making its way on her cheeks. Alice laughed and entered, stopping next to the older woman.

-Relax, I'm teasing. That shirt looks good on you, you should wear it more often.

Alice moved aside taking off her vest, placing it on the coat rack. Joan turned to face her and looked at the bottle in her hands, going towards the kitchen recovering her mobility.

-I'm going to put this in the fridge, why don't you make yourself at home ?  
-Living room ?

Joan nodded and Alice sat on the sofa, looking around, she found the older woman to be quite nervous and though it had the habit of unnerving her, she couldn't help but smile at the thought that she was the reason for it. She heard steps and turned her head towards the kitchen, seeing Joan poke her head out.

-Something wrong ?  
-No, I just... I forgot to ask, the dish we'll be eating can be served hot or cold. I personally prefer to heat it, but..  
-Don't trouble yourself, you can heat mine as well.  
-Alright, it'll be ready in ten.  
-Perfect.

She saw Joan nod before returning inside the kitchen. This evening was definitely going to be very interesting.

* * * * *

-You've outdone yourself, Joan, what's it called ?  
-Borscht, it's red beetroot, potatoes, carrot, tomatoes, and meat. Do you like it ?  
-Yes, very much, it's Russian isn't it ?  
-I thought it would be interesting to make you try, you always said you had never eaten anything even remotely associated with Russia.  
-Is the desert Russian too, asked Alice looking from above her glass.

Joan swallowed a lump, taking a sip of the, much to her surprise, excellent wine.

-Relax Joan, you give me the impression I'm making you nervous.  
-Quite frankly I don't really know how I feel...

Alice's lip corner twitched, and she took a sip of her wine before placing a hand on Joan's, awkwardly, making the older woman look at her.

-That happens, but as you can see, I'm not exactly on the top of things either. You don't have to pretend with me, just like I hope I don't have to do with you. Here, I've got an idea.

Alice took the bottle of wine and refilled their glasses, surprising Joan.

-What are you doing ?  
-Well if you prefer to use vodka ?  
-I... Hum...  
-That's settled then. The thing we're going to do is simple, we'll ask each other questions, and if we don't want to answer, feel like its too much, we drink.  
-That seems simple enough, answered Joan already hating the game.  
-But, the amount of wine in our glass is all that we have, we can't refill it, and if it runs out we have to answer the questions. What do you say ? You're in lyubov ?(love?)

Joan smiled at the name, her eyes meeting Alice's, she weighed the pros and cons before looking down at her plate, hoping she'd not come to regret this.

-Alright, let's do this.

* * * * *

-So you did kill them...  
-Yeah...

Alice and Joan were laying on the sofa, their bodies in contact, the bottle of vodka passing between them.

-Why did you do it ?  
-I can't tell you everything.  
-Why not ? Said Joan visibly hurt.  
-Well, because mystery is alluring. How on earth could I keep you with me if I say everything in one go !

Both women laughed and Joan took the bottle, drinking from it, letting the liquid burn her throat, enjoying the taste.

-And you ?  
-What about me ?  
-Did you kill your father ?

Joan stopped her movement, sitting, letting Alice miss the feel of them touching while looking straight at the wall. Alice straightened and went next to the woman, taking the bottle from her, placing it on the coffee table. She sat behind her and slowly wrapped her arms around her, letting her hands rest on her stomach.

-I didn't mean to...

Joan felt her heart beat faster, tears threatening to escape her eyes, while Alice rested her head on her shoulder, rubbing her thumb on the fabric of her shirt, she remembered when her mother used to do that, she had always found it comforting, and she hoped Joan would too.

-It was an accident...  
-Do you want to tell me ?

The older woman kept her lips tightly shut, she had definitely not envisioned the evening taking this direction.

-What are you afraid of ?  
-Seeing him... I've been seeing him ever since...  
-Ever since you... He died.

On the outside, Alice was calm and collected but internally she was a mess, she had no idea how to comfort her and the alcohol was certainly not helping. Her attempts during her sessions were awkward and always the same messy touch on her hand or shoulder, it had become so repetitive and she hated it, hated not knowing what to do. Yet when she thought of it, it made her think of her psychologists, who kept on telling her that she could explore all of that, and if she didn't know she could always ask the person. She was feeling fairly uneasy at the thought, but still, something in her hated the sight of the woman in front of her break like that. She had long realized that Joan wasn't like her, that she wasn't born like that, that despite the cold, collected facade, she was breaking, she was shattered on the inside. Alice heard Joan sniff and she made her turn to face her.

-Tell me what to do...  
-What ?  
-What do you need ?

For a moment Alice saw uncertainty and wariness in Joan's eyes until the tiredness took over again.

-Could you... Hold me ?  
-Alright.

Alice went further on the couch, resting her back against it, she saw Joan get closer to her, separating her legs to rest between them, her head on her collarbone. Alice wrapped her arms around her and felt her body tense before relaxing.

-Anything else ?

Alice looked down at Joan who had tears streaming down her cheeks and saw a slight blush making its way there as well.

-Joan, you don't have to be embarrassed, I asked. Tell me what you need.

The older woman nodded negatively and Alice sighed, rolling her eyes.

-Why are you doing this ?

Alice was taken aback, she looked down again, her eyes searching for Joan's who was purposedly looking at her hands, playing with Alice's.

-I don't know. I just... Something in me does not like to see you like that. I don't know what it is. But it's there. And I don't know how to act when... That's why I ask what you need.  
-I've ruined everything, haven't I ?

Alice furrowed her brows and Joan looked up at her.

-The evening...  
-Of course not. I've enjoyed myself, you made a delicious meal, an amazing dessert, you have partaken in my game. And your company is always something I appreciate. Now tell me, how could one ruin an evening like that ?  
-I shouldn't be crying.  
-Better out than in, you know that.  
-It hurts.  
-What hurts ?  
-To feel.

"_-Good job Joan, you've ruined everything, Gosh, can't you keep it together just once when she mentions something to make conversation, in confidence ? No wonder your father is so disappointed in you._ "  
"_-Emotions lead to mistakes._ "

-Joan ?  
-I'm sorry...

The older woman got up from the couch, muffling the sound of her sobs, she went towards her bedroom and rested her back on the door, passing her hands through her hair. Joan tried to calm her breathing and started walking in circles, feeling dizzy. She heard knocks on the door and sunk her nails in the flesh of her forearm, feeling her nails digging into her skin painfully without being able to stop herself.

"_-Why do you have to be such a disappointmenT ?_ "

-Joan ? Are you in there ?

Joan covered her mouth again, feeling hot tears falling, she heard footsteps and refrained from hitting the door.

-Please just leave !  
-I can't.  
-Just go !  
-Let me in... Please ?

Alice heard no protestation, she opened the door of the bedroom slowly and her eyes fell on the woman at the centre of the room, her face dropping ever so slightly. Joan's hair was messy, strands sticking to her face due to the tears, she had rolled up her right sleeve, her nails still trying to draw blood. When Alice looked up Joan seemed to have aged drastically, but it was the look in her eyes that made it hard to swallow.

- ** _He was beating me ! I, I was telling him to stop ! That I'd be good ! He just wouldn't ! I couldn't... I couldn't take it anymore !_**

Alice felt her eyes burning, bringing her back to reality, she felt something wet going down her cheek and felt constricted, like something or someone was squeezing her insides, her heart. Something she had never felt before. She touched her cheek looking at the dampness on her fingertip, her eyes darting back at Joan, that crushing feeling still weighing on her.

- ** _I've always done what he asked of me ! I tried to be exactly how he wanted for me to be ! I was hurting so bad ! He just wouldn't stop !_**

Joan's legs dropped and Alice made an attempt at catching her, she felt herself falling on her knees, due to their weight.

- ** _I killed him ! I never meant for him to happen ! I'm a monster ! I'm a Freak !_**  
_"-Stop behaving like a vicTim. You're patheTic."_

Joan started sobbing again, hot tears tainting Alice's spaghetti top, the younger woman was at a loss for words, she had already seen Joan get angry, sad, fight, but never such a level of despair. It was like her whole life came back at her, crushing everything standing on its way, leaving her a mess on the floor with just herself to pick up the pieces. Alice passed her fingers through the ebony locks, holding tightly onto her.

-You're not a Freak. And you are most certainly not a monster.  
-I am...  
-No. I am. You are human. You made a mistake, you couldn't... You said enough.  
-I didn't want for it to happen, said Joan sobbing, **_He was hurting me, and I hated him ! But he was my father !_**  
- _It's possible to love and hate at the same time._ It's in the past Joan...  
- ** _He keeps coming back, back and back, keeps telling me things ! I just want it to stop !_**  
-It'll stop, I promise you. If he ever comes back, he'll have me to deal with.

Alice felt Joan gripping her clothes and rested her cheek on her head, her hand still stroking her hair.

- ** _All I wanted was for him to be proud ! To be good enough !_**  
-You are Joan.  
- ** _No I'm not ! I'm nothing, and no one cares !_**

At this Alice acted, she took Joan's chin between her fingers and made her look at her. She lowered her head to hers and placed her lips on hers, feeling Joan stiffen due to the unexpectedness of the move. Alice stopped the kiss and looked into Joan's eyes, a tear going down, seemingly pleading.

-You are good enough. And don't you ever think no one cares, understood ?

The older woman was looking at her as if she was trying to detect a lie or a scheme, taking her distances slightly, perplexed. Alice trailed a finger on her cheek and lifted her to make her sit on the bed. She kneeled in front of her, brushing her hair away from her face.

-You are... You are nothing like me, Joan. You regret what you've done, you didn't mean to do it. I killed them because I was feeling curious, no other reason. I do not regret what I've done. _You. Are. Not. Like. Me._ And do not let anyone tell you otherwise. You are so much more, you're kind and caring, you're funny, loyal, determined, and strong-willed. These are qualities that balance all the things that happened to you, all the flaws it added onto who you are. You have to deconstruct that in order to be who you were always meant to be.  
-And who is that ?  
-The real you.

Joan swallowed with some difficulty and lowered her head, closing her eyes. She felt Alice take both her hands in hers and felt a finger caressing the nail marks on her forearm, drawing a sharp breath from her.

-Let me help you ?

Joan sighed, conceding, she nodded without looking at Alice, she felt her stand and gripped her wrist with her injured arm.

-Why did you do it ?  
-Do what ?  
-Kiss... Me...

Alice bend toward Joan their nose barely touching, her eyes scanning her tear-streaked face.

-Do you want me to do it again ?

The older woman blushed, nodding ever so slightly, anticipation now present on her face. Alice caressed her cheek pushing a tuft of hair behind her ear and laid her lips on hers, feeling Joan answer this time. They parted for air and Alice planted a kiss on her forehead.

-You stay here, I'll be back with stuff for your arm.

Alice left the room hurriedly while Joan wiped tears away, feeling her heart going back to a normal rhythm, she touched her lips with the tips of her fingers and a smile graced her reddish lips. Maybe someone truly cared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah chap 16, 17 and 18 posted on the same day XD  
> What's going on ?  
> Well, I'm waiting for Wentworth and wanted MagicalMoon to have her questions answered so....Yeah.  
> Also, decided to post these chapters close to each other because it helps to cope with Wentworth and the wait XD
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading them as much as I enjoy writing them !


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's a very small chapter, but the next ones will be much longer since it's going to be Chap 20 and a turning point in the present (hold on to your panties ;) ), therefore a few chaps will be a little bit longer.
> 
> Hope you enjoy !! (and you probably know the man they're talking about, sadly I think most of us remember)

-These are the last ones I could find, and no, I couldn't find more recent.

Alice was looking at the very few psychiatric files on her desk, sighing, looking up at Alexander, who seemed apologetic.

-It's better than nothing, anyways, we'll have to work with that whether we like it or not. Did you read them ?  
-No, didn't have the chance, I had to be quick. Should we go through them ?  
-Yeah, just, sit down.

Alexander took the first files, sitting down, starting to read them thoroughly. Alice peaked at the names on the files, trying to catch the ages, but no pattern, as they knew it was mostly, if not solely, women without friends or relatives regardless of age. She saw a name that caught her eye and stopped moving, making Alexander look at her.

-You okay ?  
-What's that ?  
-What ?  
-That file.

Alexander showed Alice the file and her breath hitched, she snatched it from her friend's hands, her eyes scanning the papers.

-Hey !? I was reading that.  
-Take care of the others.  
-Yeah... Okay... Do you know her ?  
-Yes, I know her.

Alice touched the photo with the tip of her finger, before looking at the name on the psychiatric file.

_Joan Ferguson_

* * * * *

-Vera ?

Vera stopped walking turning to see where the voice was coming from, she saw Alice peeking through her door, looking at her.

-Yes, Alice ?  
-Do you have a moment ?  
-Sure, is everything alright ?  
-That remains to be seen, please enter.

Vera entered the Office, her hands in her pockets, while Alice went to her desk, sitting on it.

-Alice, what is it ? Did Joan call you again ?  
-No, nothing like that, but... Do you happen to know if Joan was ever sent to a Psychiatric Facility, maybe before Wentworth ?  
-Yes, she was sent to one she was believed to have caused the fire. Why do you ask ?  
-Was it is Sinclair ?  
-Hum yes, I think it was. Why ?  
-Did you happen to see anything out of the ordinary ?  
-Hum...  
-Except if you didn't visit ?

Vera sat down, rubbing her hands on her jean.

-No, I... I did visit. Several times. But Joan, she... She didn't remember because she was... Heavily sedated.  
-Did you see anything out of the ordinary ?  
-Define ordinary to me...  
-Alright, tell me all you can remember. Things she could have said, what you saw when you visited.  
-Okay... Well, she wasn't saying much, but she used to say that she did find it helpful, some it. Mentioned Jianna, her father as well. She used to talk about her psychiatrist, she was quite eager, she kept saying that she was progressing. But...  
-Keep on.  
-I don't know, there was something... At some point when I sent to see her, she seemed dead behind the eyes, she seemed resigned, I had never seen her with that look before. I'll never understand how her psychiatrist deemed her sane, Bridget is at a loss about this too. We tried to ask her, but she didn't tell us, because of course she wouldn't tell us about that !  
-Vera, did you see that psychiatrist, by any chance ?  
-Yes, I have, he kinda gave the creeps, like I don't know, he had a bad vibe and...  
-What ?  
-I don't know he just seemed tactile, maybe it's me imagining things.  
-Did the man look like that ?

Alice took out a picture and placed it in front of Vera, whose eyes widened.

-Yeah, it's the guy ! Gosh, he looks even creepier in photo. Alice, why do you have this man's picture ?

Alice breathed out and Vera saw her jaw tense significantly, she stood up and placed a hand on her shoulder.

-You know you can tell me anything ?  
-I know, but as of right now it's confidential.  
-Alright, well I hope I could help.  
-Oh, don't worry Vera. You helped me a great deal.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I need to mention this, I wrote these 3 chapters I'm about to share with you back in either May or June.  
> Therefore, when the show's 8th season hadn't aired yet, I'm saying this given the contenu of the chapters, the words used, the situations which are (surprisingly) rather similar to the show.  
> I hope you'll like these chapters which are important to me...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is the(much, much) longer chapter which marks the end of a stage in this fanfiction. I don't know if each ten or twenty chapters will be like that, but I guess only time will tell ahah
> 
> I really didn't want to cut it but if I didn't it would have been wayyyyy too long, so yeah this sequence is going to last for a few chapters !

Vera had come back from work a few hours ago, feeling drained from the daily shenanigans of prison life. She had had to check on Grace since Anna had left, but had fallen asleep quite quickly, giving Vera some time for herself. She was downstairs, preparing dinner when she heard her phone ring, she picked up trying to hold on to the phone while cutting vegetables.

-Vera Bennett speaking.  
-Hey.  
-Alice, hi !  
-How are you ?  
-Hum, fine, and you ?  
-I'm good, I think. Listen, about this morning...  
-Alice, you don't have to explain anything to me.  
-I know, but I want to. I dismissed you, it was unkind of me.  
-Alright, I'm all ears.  
-You know that I helped the police a few years back for a case.  
-Yeah, I know that.  
-Well, they asked me to help again.  
-Oh really ? That's great !  
-Yeah, I suppose.  
-Alice, if it's confidential don't go around telling me about it.  
-It concerns that man, the one I showed you this morning. The psychiatrist, his name's Jonathan Foster, he is currently working at Sinclair, kept on Alice as if she hadn't been interrupted.  
-What's with him ? Wait, Sinclair ? Questioned Vera growing intrigued.  
-Let's say he is murky, really murky, and if what we have reveals itself to be true, and we succeed to have more people speaking up, we could send him away.  
-Send him away... Send him where ?  
-In Walford hopefully.

Vera heard a noise but covered her ear, listening to Alice in disbelief.

-Alice, what could this man have done to go to Walford ?  
-I cannot tell, but if he did what we think he did, maybe Joan knows about it.  
-You think she'd know ?  
-She was at the facility he is in. If he did something reprehensible, and she saw it, it could be the reason she was back at Wentworth, she had leverage.  
-Yeah... That looks like something she'd do.

Vera heard the wind in the receiver and put the knife down, perplexed.

-Where are you ?  
-I've just left work, I'm going back home, and you ?  
-Making dinner, Grace is finally asleep.  
-She's not making her teeth yet, is she ?  
-Not that I know of...

Vera heard the noise again and looked around, stopping all she was doing.

-Vera ?  
-Did you hear that ?  
-Heard what ?  
-That noise. It's the second time I'm hearing it.  
-Are your doors locked ?  
-Of course, they're locked, I always lock twice.  
-And your windows ?  
-They're supposed to be as well, I always check.  
-Can you tell me where it comes from ?  
-No, I mean...

Vera heard the noise again, looking towards the corridor.

-I heard it this time, okay, don't you do anything stupid. I'm on my way.  
-I think it's coming from Grace's room.

Suddenly a voice came out from the baby talkie, she went to it and turned the sound up. Hearing a woman's voice, singing what looked like a lullaby, though she could not understand what was being said.

-Vera ? Talk to me. What's going on ?  
-I don't know, I can hear something from the talkie, like someone's singing.  
-Singing ? Singing what ?

Vera stuck the phone between her chin and shoulder, taking the talkie in her hands trying to make the frequency less scratchy. She stopped abruptly when the voice could be heard distinctly. She tried to understand what was being said, furrowing her brows.

- _Voz'mi menya, lyubi menya, ukroy,_  
 _Toy pelenoy, chto my s toboy sozdali vdvoyom,_  
 _Voz'mi menya, lyubi menya, ukroy,_  
 _Toy pelenoy, chto my s toboy sozdali vdvoyom._

_Svet fonarey gulyayet po ulitse,_   
_Smotri zhe mne v glaza, obo vsom ya tebe rasskazhu,_   
_I kolybel'nuyu tebe spoyu, smotri zhe mne v glaza,_   
_I gde v nikh dobrota ? (gde v nikh dobrota ?)_

_(Take me, love me, shelter_   
_The shroud that you and I created together_   
_Take me, love me, shelter_   
_The shroud that you and I created together._

_The light of lanterns, walks along the street_   
_Look into my eyes and I'll tell you everything_   
_And I’ll sing you a lullaby, look into my eyes_   
_And where is kindness in them? (where is the kindness in them?))_

-I think it's, Russian ?  
-Bring it closer.

Alice placed the talkie next to the mic and heard tires screeching, startling her.

-Alice, are you alright ?  
-Don't do anything, I'm on my way.  
-Alice, what's going on ?  
-Do not go into Grace's room without me.

Vera was about to protest when she heard humming coming from the corridor. She turned and looked around, wary. She went towards Grace's room and stood behind the door, as quiet as a mouse, listening.

- _Svet fonarey gulyayet po ulitse,_  
 _Smotri zhe mne v glaza, obo vsom ya tebe rasskazhu,_  
 _I kolybel'nuyu tebe spoyu, smotri zhe mne v glaza,_  
I gde v nikh dobrota ? (gde v nikh dobrota ?)

_(The light of lanterns, walks along the street_   
_Look into my eyes and I'll tell you everything_   
_And I’ll sing you a lullaby, look into my eyes_   
_And where is kindness in them? (where is the kindness in them?))_

Suddenly it hit Vera, and she was about to open the door when she heard a car park in front of her house, she rushed outside and saw Alice walk quickly, her face severe. She moved past her and went to open Grace's bedroom door, Vera by her side. Vera gasped while Alice's lips parted looking at the tall figure in the room, dressed in ragged clothes.

- _Spat'-spat'-spat',_  
 _Ne lozhites' blizhe k krovati,_  
 _Inache pridet seryy volk,_  
 _I ukusit' tebya._

_(Sleep-sleep-sleep_   
_Don't lie close to the bed side_   
_Otherwise a grey wolf will come_   
_And bite you.)_

Joan was holding Grace in her arms, rocking her, her eyes studying her. She looked up and smiled sheepishly, going from Alice to Vera, her hair covering a good part of her face.

-Hello Vera. How nice of you to join us.

Vera's breath hitched, and she tried to take a step forward but Alice held onto her, her eyes locked on Joan. It was not how she wanted their first encounter to happen, but she asked for it.


	21. Chapter 21

It felt like an eternity since Alice and Vera entered the room, Joan was still cradling Grace in her arms, her expression unchanged. Alice looked around and saw Grace's window open, she turned to look at Vera her brows furrowed, clearly displeased. Much to Vera's surprise as she remembered having closed it. 

-It's nice to see you both.

Alice and Vera turned to the older woman, judging her, while she had a bright smile.

-Put Grace down.  
-No.

Vera's eyes shifted from Grace to Joan, as she recognized the tone of her voice, a voice she had heard more than once during their time as colleagues, the cool, sharp tone she used to give orders and boss everyone around, the Governor's voice.

-Alice...  
-Not now. Joan, if you put Grace back in her crib, we can all sit down and talk.  
-Alice listen. Don't...  
-Vera.

Alice took a step forward and Joan placed a gun on the table next to her, making Alice stop dead. Vera gasped and looked at Joan in disbelief.

-You don't understand anything. I have to make things right, she paused for a moment looking at the girl in her arms, _For the greater good._

Vera's blood froze instantly upon hearing the voice of her former mentor, she looked up to the woman her eyes wide with horror. Only bad things happened when she uttered those words.

-What do you mean ? Joan, look at me, what do you mean ? Enquired Alice

Alice saw Joan push her hair from her face and saw reddened cheeks, and what looked like dried tears, yet her face expressed nothing but impassiveness.

-It's my fault. And I need to correcT it.

All of a sudden, Joan turned quickly and placed Grace in her crib, looking at her hands, seeming terrified.

-No, no, no... I won't do that.  
-Joan ?  
"_-You're weak._"  
- ** _No I'm not. Don't say that !_**

Vera jumped when she heard Joan raise her voice, holding onto Alice who seemed unbothered.

" _-Had it happened that many times when they used to talk ?_ She wondered. "

Alice was looking at Joan warily, her eyes drifting to the gun on the table, she had to take that before someone got hurt. She looked up at Joan was seemed torn apart, seemingly looking at an empty spot in the room. The older woman was staring at the woman in Governor's clothing, her tight bun aging her, dead behind the eyes, her lip corner twisting upright.

" _-You're a disappointmentT. You cannot correcT your... Failures._"  
- ** _Don't talk to me like that, you're nothing ! I don't want to be you !_**  
"_-You need me. Otherwise, you fall aparT. Like the worthless, frail little thing you are._"  
- ** _Stop talking !_**

Joan held her head between her hands and Alice took a step forward, she saw Joan smack her cheek repeatedly and stopped, looking strangely at her. She heard Vera gasp and saw her take a step forward.

-Joan ?  
- ** _You don't correcT, you hurt people ! You bully them !_**  
"_-That's because they need to hurT._"  
-Vera, I want you to try to go to Grace...  
-But I... She...  
-I'll take care of gun and Joan. Do you trust me ?

Vera glanced at Alice, before nodding.

-Go. I'll try to talk to her.

Vera nodded again and started taking small steps towards her daughter, her eyes locked on the older woman. Alice breathed deeply and went towards the gun.

- ** _You can't go around hurting people, the way he hurT us !_**  
"_-What's to stop me ? You ? You can't even go through what you came here to do._"  
- ** _I didn't come here for anything, you wanted to come here !_**  
"_-Always blaming others for your own failures... Tsk, tsk, tsk. You came here because you cannoT face what you've done._"  
- ** _Leave me alone ! I don't need you ! I hate you ! I hate you both !_**

Alice was next to the gun and extended her hand, she saw the fist just in time, moving away from its trajectory, hearing Vera muffle a gasp. Joan had tried to hit her, making her take a few steps away from the gun. She was grinning, brushing her hair away from her much thinner face.

-I don't think so.  
-Joan, listen to me.  
-You can't help, you know that. You've failed, just like I did.  
-You know very well that's not true. Now you tell me, what's going on in here.

Alice pointed at her head, warily, she saw Joan's lip corner twitch, before turning blank.

-That needs to be correcTed.  
-What needs to be corrected ? Joan, look at me.  
-She never wanted this, and I made it happen. To hurT her.  
-What are you talking about ?  
-Grace. She was never meant to happen. So I came here to correcT that.  
-Alright, now tell me who were you talking to ? Because it wasn't your father.  
-I know what you're trying to do, it won't work this time. They call me a Freak, an aberration, a monster. So I might as well give them what they wanT.

Joan stepped closer about to take the gun when Alice lunged towards her, pushing the gun away. She looked up and saw the murderous look in her eyes. Something was definitely different about her.

-Don't you understand ? You can't save everyone !  
-That's not you. Who are you trying to be right now ?  
-Who I was always supposed to be. You said that yourself, I had to become myself. Well here I am, answered Joan hearing the woman in uniform say it at the same time, walking closer to her.  
-I don't know what you are trying to do. But that isn't you.  
-How would you know ?  
-Because you've told me so yourself. She's back, isn't she ? All you've done, it's because of _her._

Alice saw Joan's face falter before turning cold.

 _-She made me stronger, more capable. She protected me._  
-You're wrong. That's exactly what your father wanted for you. But we both know you hate her. You just said so yourself. Let go of her. You are right, you don't need her.  
"_-She wants for us to be weak, to crawl on our knees. Take her out. Take them all out._"

Joan's face dropped, and she looked at her hands, rubbing them, seeing blood, and the more she tried to wash it away, more came back, making it impossible for her to forget.

- ** _No, no, no... I won't hurt them !_**  
"_-That's all you know how to do. You hurT everyone you touch, everyone you claim caring abouT. You hurT them. Remember Jianna ? Snarled the Governor in Joan ear._"

Joan's eyes widened and she turned to face the aberration, tears streaming down her face.

- ** _I never meant for her to die, it was not my fault !_**  
"_-You hurT Vera. You pretended to care for your own evil deeds. All that for what ? To fail in the end. PatheTic._"  
- ** _I cared about her, you made me, I loved her !_**  
"_-She needed you and you drove her away, hurting her in the worsT way possible. Because you cannoT care._"  
- ** _I shouldn't have taken my hand away, I shouldn't have done that ! I didn't do it on purpose, I couldn't help it ! She hates me ! She hates me ! I should have opened that fucking gate ! I would have killed Gambarro, and her weasels ! Not just cut her tongue !!_**

Alice looked over Joan's shoulder at Vera who had stopped walking, looking at Joan, scared yet interested.

- ** _I never wanted for the evening to go like that ! I never meant to take off my hand ! She didn't let me explain ! I should have gone after her !_**  
"_-Why would she want to listen to you ? No one cares about you. No one missed you._"  
- ** _Molchi ! Ostav' menya v pokoye !(Shut up ! Leave me alone !)_**  
-Joan it's alright, she has no power over you. You're stronger than her. Than him. _I believe in you._  
"_-Only if she knew how much you liked having that power and conTrol over people. How much of a coward you are. How much you rejoiced from hurTing them like... FooT soldiers._"  
- ** _YA nenavizhu tebya !(I hate you !)_**  
"_-How you let yourself get sucked in again, without any resistance. Throwing away all the... Progress. You're poinTless._"

Vera took Grace in her arms and the little girl cooed, making Joan react and turn to them, the Governor written all over her face, making Vera gulp.

-Where do you think you're going ?

Joan took a step closer and Alice grabbed her by the coat, pulling the older woman towards herself. She tried holding on to her arms, but Joan made it difficult for her because of her height. She tried twisting her arm in her back and received Joan's elbow, hitting her ribs, making her grunt.

 _-You don't want to do this Joan ! I know you. She, inside your head, you don't have to listen to her !_  
-I have to make things right ! For the greater good !  
-I can't let you do that and you know it !

Joan lunched her elbow into Alice's stomach a second time, making the younger woman bend slightly due to the strength of the blow. Alice coughed and saw Joan's fist pass a few centimeters away from her nose, she lunged the woman tackling her, causing them to end up on the floor. Joan was trying to free her wrist from Alice's grip but couldn't very well move, her head still ringing from having fallen on the ground. When Alice saw Joan regain a semblance of consciousness, her eyes started darting around, her body tensing at the weight on top of her, fear in her eyes.

- ** _Let me go ! Don't touch me !_**  
-Joan, I need you to calm down.  
- ** _Get away from me ! Get down !_**  
-Alice ?

Vera had Grace tightly secured in her arms and felt her heart break when she saw the tears going down the older woman's cheeks, growing even more frantic and scared.

- ** _Get off of me ! Don't touch me !_**

Alice started to have a hard time holding onto her and did not understand her visceral reaction at being held down, she thought for a minute and sadness washed over her face.

-I'm sorry.

She saw a glint of uncertainty pass in Joan's eyes and Alice grabbed her by the shirt, she backed away dragging her as well and made the top of her head collapse with her cheek and nose, she let go of her and Joan fell on the ground motionless, her eyes closed. Vera refrained a scream as to not scare Grace and took a few steps back.

-What... Is she...  
-She's... Fine. I knocked her out.  
-Gosh... Are you okay ?  
-Yeah...

Vera saw Alice stroke Joan's silver-streaked hair and caress her cheek with her thumb, bringing her face closer to hers.

-I'm sorry...  
-What now ?  
-We need to get her out of the room, she needs to be laid down.  
-Do you need help ?  
-You have Grace, go, I'll drag her to the couch.

Vera nodded and opened the door so that Alice could pass Joan's body, she saw her friend having a hard time lifting the older woman's "dead weight" and started dragging her to the living room, trying not to drop her on the floor. Vera placed Grace down in her park and went to Alice who was having a hard time placing her on the couch.

-Need a hand ?  
-Yeah, on the count of three, okay ? One, two, three.

Alice and Vera grunted and laid Joan on the couch, flustered, Vera went to take Grace again and Alice breathed out, she hit her forehead with the palm of her hand and went back to where she came from. Vera was watching her perplexed and moved away when she saw Alice holding the gun with her shirt.

-Do you have a plastic bag or something that looks like it ?  
-Yeah, hum, second drawer, fourth counter.

Alice retrieved a bag and placed the gun inside, not before having unloaded it.

-I closed the window as well.  
-Thanks...

Vera went closer to her couch, Grace in her arms, seemingly unaware of what had just happened. Alice stood beside Vera both of them looking at the older woman.

-Do you have ice ?  
-What for ?  
-Her face.  
-Yeah, in the freezer...

Alice went to fetch some ice while Vera studied Joan, getting closer at each step. She looked much thinner than last time she had seen her and her black hair usually so neat was tangled and had started to be overtaken by silver ones. Her face though stricken by tears, showed traces of dirt and exhaustion, dark circles making her appear older than she was. Alice passed Vera and kneeled next to Joan, holding a cloth to her nose, making the woman wince without waking up.

-How long is she going to be like that do you reckon ?  
-From minutes to hours, that rests on too many factors.

Alice looked around and saw the cutting board and abandoned vegetables.

-Why don't you put Grace in her park and finish to make yourself some dinner, I'll watch over them.

Vera seemed to be weighing her options, still sort of holding tightly onto Grace, she looked at Alice and nodded. She trusted her, and tonight was one of the few nights that confirmed her trust. She laid Grace into her park and went back to cutting vegetables, sometimes eyeing the scene happening before her eyes. Alice brushing hair away from Joan's face, trying to clean her face with the now damp cloth she had used on her cheek and nose, her face showing signs of concern. Vera would have never imagine Alice lifting a hand on Joan, and yet to put a stop to it all, she had, even though she had seen how much it pained her. For the greater good. Vera smiled weakly at the thought, sometimes that line really had an entire world of its own, whether it was for good or bad.

-Ve ?

Vera blinked before looking at Alice.

-Yes ?  
-Could I use your phone ?  
-Where's yours ?  
-In the car, I don't want anybody to stay alone, yours is closer.  
-Who are you going to call ?  
-Just a friend, I need someone to watch over Frannie.  
-Sure, wait, there you go.  
-Thanks...

Alice started composing the number and saw Vera's expression, she lowered the phone and stared at her.

-What is it ?  
-What do we do now ? I mean... She's...

Alice breathed out, it was not the way she would have wanted to meet for the first time in six years, but it was what they had been given, better than a... Funeral. Alice looked at Joan sleeping on Vera's couch and caressed her cheek.

-I don't think I'll be able to go to work tomorrow.

Vera scoffed, looking at the women in front of her, obviously she wouldn't be able to go to work, no way she'd leave her alone after what happened.

-Should we tell Bridget and Franky ?  
-Do you think we should tell them ?  
-I, hum... Your judgment is better than mine.  
-I want to know what you think, what happened, happened in your home. Plus you know them much better than I do. You get a bigger say than me.  
-I think if we tell Bridget, she'll tell Franky no matter what. I can't guarantee they won't want to come or talk to you... If I had known...  
-What do you mean ?  
-I received a call from Joan, and I told her amongst other things.  
-I don't understand ?  
-I told her about Grace, I had no idea she was... Well they ? I mean, I don't even know anymore...  
-How about I make that call and I tell you everything you want to know ?  
-Sure, take your time, seems like we're going to be here for a while.

Alice grinned and pressed the call button, placing the phone next to her ear. She heard the person pick up and closed her eyes.

-Who is this ?  
-It's me Alex.  
-Alice ? What happened to your phone ?  
-I left it in the car, a friend was nice enough to help me with hers.  
-Oh okay, what's this call about ?  
-I need you to check on Frannie and maybe stay with her.  
-You're not home ?  
-No I ... I had to help someone. Something happened and I had to stay.  
-You're okay ?!  
-Yes we're fine, I had the situation under control but Frannie is alone and I'll be here for a while.  
-Don't worry, I'm going.  
-I hope I didn't disturb you ?  
-I was just going through the files for our case, don't worry, I'll be at your house in ten.  
-Thanks, I owe you one.  
-Don't be silly, you owe me nothing. Can we expect you later tonight ?  
-Maybe later tomorrow...  
-I see, I'll stick by your house until you come back.  
-Thanks again, I really appreciate it.  
-No problem see you later.

Alice hung up, placing the phone on the coffee table, her eyes going from Grace cooing in her park to Vera who seemed thoughtful, her gaze falling inevitably on the woman on the couch. Alice leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek, before seeing Vera sitting on the armchair next to the couch. She saw Vera handing her a plate and Alice smiled sitting on the table, trying to prepare herself the best she could, for the questions to come.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And here is the third one, honestly I'd like to post them all at once but then again I'd put myself in a bit of a pickle since I'd have to write nonstop in order to keep on updating weekly aha
> 
> The reason why I posted these chapters was because of EPISODE 4 BTW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, in this chapter, Joan is having a nightmare that morphs into her traumas and insecurities, to kind of sum them up, at least the bigger ones.  
> It pained me to write this, but at the same time it's nothing compared to a chapter I'll have to write in the future, so I'm going to enjoy the "light stuff" while it lasts lol

-I don't know where to begin...  
-Take your time, we've got plenty of it on our hands.

Vera took a deep breath and looked at the woman sleeping on her couch, before looking back at Alice.

-I don't even know what just happened... I... I had never seen her like that before...  
-It's always something the first time.  
-Did it used to happen a lot ?  
-No, it wasn't rare, but it didn't happen all the time. And not that strongly. She had moment when things were going smoothly, where she didn't see them for a long period.  
-How long ?  
-I think the longest was six months.  
-I, hum...  
-Yes ?  
-A former colleague saw her, you know... Like that.  
-When ?  
-A few years back, when she was the Govna'.  
-Did he tell you what happened ?  
-That he did, amongst calling her unbalanced and a freak...  
-What a... Charming man.  
-He was problematic, but still, he told me she was talking to thin air, yelling actually. She kept saying things like, you hectored and bullied me, you treated me like one of your foot soldiers, why was I never good enough for you...

Alice's jaw was tightly shut as she listened to Vera, remembering when she had heard Joan have the same speech at her house, unaware that Alice was here. It had broken her heart, and Joan fell on her knees at some point. Point at which Alice made her presence known and tried her best to pull her together. Joan had tried to get away from her arms calling herself a freak, a mistake, yet she gave up at some point, accepting that Alice wasn't going to leave even if she gave her reasons to. Alice sighed at the memory and looked up to Vera.

-Her father.  
-Excuse me ?  
-Your former colleague, he saw her talking to her father.  
-The man who was killed ?  
-Yes, you saw the photos...  
-I did... I had no idea her father had been killed.  
-Don't feel too much for him. He had it coming, like your mother. Thought it was an accident.  
-Wait... Like my... Oh... Gosh...

Vera brushed her hair off her face, still taking in the information she had just been given, her eyes glued on the woman laying on her couch. Alice smiled softly, her gaze drifting to Joan.

-Does she have multiple personality disorder ?  
-The name's different now, see that more like... Co-conscious Dissociative Identity Disorder... I assessed her and never really thought of that alternative... I was young and had just began, I probably overlooked that... I guess you could add that to the sociopathy. Something like, Joan and that woman created by her father, life, traumas. That Governor. It's like an internal fight between who you are and who people made you to be, this Governor feeds off the traumas, and the end goal is control.  
-Why must it be always about control ? Complained Vera.  
-Because it's the only thing that will determine how things are going to go. If it's the Governor controlling. She is the woman you learned to know and hate. If it's Joan, that it's the woman nobody in Wentworth knows, the woman she should have always become.  
-Have you ever seen her ? Joan, I mean...  
-Yes, quite a few times actually.  
-And the Governor ?  
-I tried keeping her at bay by reminding Joan of all the things that made her, her. All the good things that could come from feeling, which is laughable knowing I can't feel nearly as much as she does. But... I tried to ground her, I tried to help her understand her emotions, but it's hard when you've spent a good forty-something years behaving a certain way, to deconstruct that is no mean feat.

Vera looked at Joan, studying her.

-I should hate her.

Vera's eyes went to Alice before going back to Joan.

-After all she's done, all she's said. I should want her dead.  
-But do you ?  
-No... I missed her. I meant what I said. I cared about her enough not to let her die.  
-I know...  
-She's the reason why Jake and I are separated, why I have Grace, why Wentworth isn't the same. Why inmates have died and been abused.  
-You and I both know Joan wasn't the only one to do that. You told me about a woman and her gang.  
-Yeah, Lucy Gambaro and her boys, Gosh, they were awful, some of the worst inmates.  
-You got hepatitis C because of them, Bea smith killed, manipulated and abused, Franky did too. That woman, Jacqueline Holts, as well.  
-And you ?  
-I tried not to, I... I had finally gained something from my stay at Blackmoore and it was trust, without anything in return. It felt good, somehow it made me feel good. I don't mean I've never hurt anyone there but... I tried not to.

There was a short silence before Vera put her plate down next to Alice's.

-So Joan...  
-What about her ?  
-Who is winning ?  
-Only her can tell us that.  
-But what do you think ? You've seen her like that before, several times. What do you reckon is going on ?  
-Imagine an ocean, and Joan at the centre, trying to keep her head above the water, to keep on breathing. And now imagine the Governor, her father, trying to drag her down.  
-Gosh... That's... I wouldn't want to be at her place...  
-Me neither... But from what I've seen she tries to keep Joan under her grasp, she tries to make her feel insecure.  
-But she claimed she protected her...  
-She might have helped her for certain traumas but she is no good as it is. She doesn't help her deal with it, she feeds off of it. She is exactly what her father wanted of Joan. See her as the daughter her father always wanted, and she took over.  
-By she you mean...  
-The Governor, she keeps trying to keep her back in line. Because they worked like that for decades. Her father, her insecurities, traumas. But truth is, not everything comes from the Governor.  
-What do you mean ?  
-Joan was always dedicated, determined. When she used to begin something she always kept on until it came to fruition. She used to be kind, loyal. She had a sense of moral...  
-Like not hurting children, babies ?  
-Yeah, innocent looking people.  
-We're not.  
-Well, we're a mix of who we are inside, and our personality, what our parents shaped us to be, what society shaped us to be. But it's like peeling an onion, we have to peel all of that to reach the core, that's where we lay.  
-Why is it that the more I hear, the less I seem to understand ?

Alice chuckled followed by Vera, the younger woman placed a comforting hand on her friend's and looked at Joan.

-It's because you're tired, but I felt the same at first, you'll get used to it, and eventually, you'll understand.  
-So, how things are going to go from now ? I mean she can't stay on my couch forever. What if someone learns that she's alive and here ? Or even with you ? Alice, you could lose Frannie !  
-Vera calm down, she won't stay here because the moment she wakes I take her back with me. And no one will know unless either one of us talks.  
-I wonder how Bridget will react.  
-Oh she'll be afraid alright, but I think she'll try to keep her calm and try to understand.  
-You think ?  
-Yes, I think she's starting to understand.  
-Understand what ?  
-The differences between me and Joan, and also that Joan can be trusted, the Governor not so much.  
-She'll tell Franky, and she'll go to your house no matter what I say.  
-We'll have to have a discussion anyway, so better get it over with.

* * * * *

Joan was walking down the corridors of Wentworth, the teal tracksuit hanging loosely around her body, she heard chuckles and turned around seeing no one there, she looked at her surroundings warily, starting to feel a growing uneasiness and when she turned back, saw her reflection in a mirror, in what looked to be her cell.

-We meet again.

Joan looked at her reflection morphing into the Governor smirking and stepped back, falling on the ground, she could hear her laugh, slowly becoming distorted into a laugh that she'd never forget. She was back in the showers and saw Lucy Gambaro and her boys looking down at her, grinning, their teeth showing.

-Surprise, Freak.

Joan tried to get away, to scream, but no sound seemed to come out, she closed her eyes and found herself back at the padded cell. She stood up, her eyes wide and tried to touch the walls but felt constricted, and tried to get herself off the straightjacket. She heard her name and turned to the door feeling sucked in. She arrived in her living room, dressed normally, no signs of the retrains and saw someone seated at the table, she went closer and saw Vera turn to face her, her expression filled with hatred and disgust, making it hard to swallow.

-All you do is hurt, people. Even the ones that care.  
-I never meant to...  
-That's the problem with you, you don't think your actions have consequences. That they'll impact other people's lives, because you only care about yourself.

Joan covered her ears and saw a second figure come out from the kitchen, her arms falling to her sides, hot tears rolling down her cheeks.

-You told us to leave, all that for what ? To get some pathetic revenge while we were here. We were alive, and you kept focussing on the dead, clutching onto them like a lifeboat. You neglected your own flesh and blood, just like your father neglected you.  
-You left me alone wondering if you ever loved me ! If you ever wanted me !

Joan turned to face the voice coming from behind her, and saw a little girl with black hair looking up at her, her lips twisted downright. She felt her eyes water upon seeing her daughter and the little girl pushed her aside running away, making her spin on herself, looking at the three figures present.

-I was wrong !  
-Emotions lead to mistakes Joan.

The older woman's eyes widened, and she turned, facing an imposing man, his hands behind his back, a severe expression on his face. Joan suddenly felt like she was freezing and looked at her feet, at the stone ground. She looked around and recognized the cellar, making her shudder.

-Dad...  
-All these years, I tried to make you realize emotions are a burden not to be bothered with. And what did you do ? You attached yourself to people who kept on hurting you. You let them use your weakness. You had a daughter, a mistake.  
-Frannie wasn't a mistake !!

Joan tried to punch her father, but he evaporated, appearing behind her, she felt herself being pushed against a wall and started panicking, she turned and recognized the room in which she used to meet the psychiatrist. She closed her eyes, and when she felt a hand sliding up her thigh, she dropped herself on the floor, covering her ears. She felt a change in the atmosphere and felt a finger lifting her chin, the smell of leather growing more and more intoxicating. Joan opened her eyes and saw the Governor looking down at her, judging her, holding tightly onto her jaw.

-You’re pointless, you’re worthless, you’re nothing, no one cares about you, no one misses you.

Joan started sobbing, feeling the sentence growing louder each time, her chest constricted, her breaths shorter and shorter. The Governor bend at the waist, her lips next to Joan's ear.

-Without me you are noThing, do noT trusT them. They'll end up betraying you.  
-Joan wake up. Joan, can you hear me ?

The older woman looked up and saw the Governor looking around, seemingly intrigued. Joan stood up and the Governor pushed her back down, she felt numb and tried to recognize her surroundings. She smelled a familiar scent of wood and felt like her heart had stopped in her chest.

" _-No, no, no, no. Not again._ "

She heard the dreadful sound of the dirt falling onto the wood and smacked herself. 

" _-Wake up Joan, it's a nightmare ! Wake up ! You got out !_ "

* * * * *

Joan was moving around, her brows furrowed, mumbling as Alice was sat next to her trying to prevent too wide movements that could hurt her.

-What's happening ? Is she having a... Nightmare ? Asked Vera surprised.  
-Yes, they don't usually last long, but given all that happened to her, I can't blame her. Joan listen to me, it's alright. I know you can hear me. You're having a nightmare, everything is fine, I'm here.

Suddenly Joan opened her eyes, taking shallow breaths, her head spinning. Alice caught her and steadied her, looking at Vera.

-Could you pass me a glass of water ?  
-Sure, be right back.

Joan started looking around, trying to get her bearings, her eyes fell on the woman holding her and she felt tears escaping the barrier of her eyelids. She tried to remember where she was and how she got there but her headache prevented her from focussing. She heard steps coming from her right and her face dropped. She remembered. She was at Vera's, and she had almost hurt Grace... Joan tried to get away from Alice's grip but it was a waste of time. Vera handed the glass to Alice and she sat back down, looking at Joan who seemed to be avoiding her eyes. She could see so many emotions on Joan's face at that moment that she wondered how someone could feel so much and not explode. She saw Joan drink the glass and Alice brush her hair away from her face, wiping tears and dirt with the damp cloth, cooling her down a little bit.

-Are you feeling better ?

Vera saw Joan nod, her head still down and Vera found herself wondering what she had seen in her nightmare. Was it the people she killed ? Her father ? The Governor ? Things that happened at Wentworth ? Or herself ? After all, we're our biggest enemy so do Bridget and Alice say. Had she seen them ? Had she seen Vera ? What would the Vera from the dream say to her ? The brunette was taken away from her thoughts when she heard Grace, she went to pick her up and when she turned, saw tears forming in Joan's eyes again.

-She's fine, she had no idea what was happening.

Joan nodded before lowering her head, playing with her hands. She sniffed and wiped her cheek with her sleeve. It wasn't fine, she could have hurt them dearly, she could have done the unforgivable. Joan felt a hand in her hair, and gazed at Alice, feeling her body relax much to her surprise and closed her eyes. How long had it been since someone had stroked her hair like that ? Vera felt as is she was spying on something personal and yet, she was glad to witness this, as it was a side of Joan that she had never really gotten to see before, except for their last dinner together.

-It's nice to see you. Well, considering...

Alice turned to Vera a brow raised while Joan looked up to Vera holding Grace, Joan could decypher interest and sadness in her traits and saw her gulp.

-I meant what I said on the phone. I'm glad you're... Here.

Vera started to walk towards Grace's room when she heard a faint voice.

-I'm... I am...

Vera turned and recognized the struggle, as she had seen it during their fateful dinner. Vera went closer to the couch and decided despite what her mind was telling her. She lowered a hand to her shoulder and squeezed softly.

-Me too, she looked at Alice and nodded, I'm going to put Grace back in her crib, I'll be but a few minutes.

Vera left and Alice sat on the couch next to Joan, trying to tame her ebony hair.

-I'm sorry... For raising a hand on you. You were out of control.  
-Did I hurt anyone ?  
-Me, superficially. But other than that, no.  
-It was so close this time...  
-This time ?

Joan's breath hitched and she started playing with her necklace.

-I had... I prevented myself, us, so many time... I didn't want to go after them... I tried, this time was too close.  
-We don't have to talk about it right now. We can wait for the sun to rise, after a good night of sleep.  
-You can't take me with you, answered Joan concerned.  
-Why couldn't I ?  
-If they know I'm here, they'll create problems for you.  
-We'll worry about that when the time comes.  
-No, they'll learn it eventually, and I could hurt you... Again...  
-Joan. You need to think right now. Not a few days or a few weeks ahead. Nothing is played. Right now, the right course of action is you coming with me, staying with me and Frannie.

At the mention of her daughter, Joan's lips twisted into a sad smile. Her guilt creeping around the surface.

-She'll be ecstatic to see you. And she'll probably spend all the time she's got with you. You'll see, everything will be fine.  
-She probably hates me.  
-Frannie ?  
-Both... But Vera... I just..  
-She doesn't Joan.  
-How would you know ?  
-Because I've been friends with her for a long time, I know her. If she hated you, the police would be here right now. If she hated you, she would have thrown you out. If she hated you, she wouldn't have saved your life. Stop thinking people don't care, genuinely don't care. She does, and so do I. With my minimal capacity that is, laughed Alice.

Joan laughed softly and felt Alice take her hand, caressing it with her thumb.

-I was... Surprised. And sad.

" _-You're a disappointment._ "

Joan tried taking off her hand but felt Alice tightening her grip.

-I'm not leaving again, no matter what you say. This time you'll have to bear my boring ass 'til the day either one of us dies.

Joan laughed and rolled her eyes, tightening her grips on Alice's hand.

-I'm back, everyone in one piece ?  
-Ha, that's a witty joke Vera, I didn't think you'd have it in you.  
-Yeah, I developed that recently, plus I had a good mentor.

Both Joan and Vera were staring at each other and Vera looked at the clock.

-I don't want to throw you out, but if I have to work today I'll need to get as much sleep as I can, especially if I need to fill in Bridget on, well, all that happened.  
-Miss Westnul ?  
-Westfall, said Vera trying to look fed up but failing miserably, a smile gracing her lips, Yes, I'll probably tell her everything is fine and that you seem fine, well I mean...  
-We know what you mean. And as a matter of fact, we too should get a good night of sleep. You need it.  
-Why telling Miss West... Fall...  
-Well, she's...

Vera took a deep breath, no way she was coming back to who she was, she had grown and she was going to own it.

-Bridget has removed her assessment of you. And she's ready, just like Franky, to try and give you the benefice of the doubt.  
-They know I'm... Why ?  
-If you promise to hear us out, we'll tell you. No rash reaction, no angry, hurtful words.  
-That's not me...  
-I know but for now, it's still in there. So hear us out and we'll tell you, partially. Since we all need some rest.  
-Alright...  
-Vera ?  
-Alice gave me something, she told me it'd interest me. It's the file she's done on you...

Vera saw the expression on Joan's face and tried not to be unsettled by it. She saw a distinct tensing in her jaw and looked at Alice who nodded, so she kept on.

-I'm the only one who's seen it. Bridget knows very little, and so does Franky. I can't say I'm sorry for reading it. I'm glad Alice trusted me with it, because... Because none of us knew you, and this, she took out the file, this helped me understand my mistake. It helped us both try to make Bridget and Franky realize our mistake. How you were treated.  
-Now it doesn't excuse what you did, and they know that. But now at least they have a better understanding of the reasons behind the actions.

Vera could see Joan seemed to be fighting back something, a sort of fire blazing in her eyes, a part of her obviously thought of it as betrayal, the other well, she didn't know that part well enough to make assumptions. Joan seemed to relax and looked over at Alice then Vera.

-Who else knows about this ?  
-Just us, and Bridget and Franky.  
-What about Mister Jackson and Mister Stewart ?

Vera gulped and looked at Alice who seemed to be looking for the appropriate words.

-They suspect Frannie to be related to you, I mean, her physical appearance is unmistakable. They both know about our time at Blackmoore and also suspect we kept on seeing each other after that. They know Vera and Bridget feel guilt for what happened and also that they stand by you.  
-They don't know I'm...  
-They have no idea you're alive. Affirmed Vera.

Joan nodded and pushed her hair behind her ear.

-But they could be suspecting it, meaning you can't come to my house unannounced, because it wouldn't be the first time either one of them comes unexpectedly.  
-Maybe it's better that way... Humf...  
-What is it ? Inquired Alice.  
-I was wrong.

Vera's eyes widened looking at Joan, her lips parted, had she just... No way.

-What do you mean ? Wrong about what ?  
-Almost everything, but mainly Mister Jackson's ability to see something through.

There was a deadly silence, Vera sat back down her arms resting loosely on her thighs, while Alice's brows were furrowed.

-You knew, during all this time ? Breathed out Vera.  
-I suspected it, I thought I had heard his voice when... I also underestimated Mister Stewart, he did have some guts after all.

Vera's breath hitched and she laid back on the armchair her eyes closed. So... She knew for all this time and didn't do anything, alright, that was a first and a very, very good thing. Maybe there was hope after all.

-One of the very few things I was right about was you.

Vera opened her eyes and saw Joan looking at her, a ghost of a smile on her lips.

-What, me being a mouse ? A disappointment ? Not able to fit the pants ? Taunted Vera.

She saw Joan falter and she nodded negatively, she gazed at Alice who was giving her a look but dismissed it.

-If I remember correctly, I told you it was nice to see you wearing the pants. But no, I read about what happened, the siege. I always knew you'd have that strength in you, the courage. You were never a disappointment, no matter if I let you believe that. I just... Didn't know how to make you step up. I was... Taught like that... But I guess you know now...  
-Yes, I'm sorry, it's the fatigue... You were a good Guv.... Mentor.

Alice smiled at the choice of words her eyes drifting to Joan who seemed to have caught onto that as well.

-Do you miss it ? Us, working together ?  
-Sometimes, but I'm glad of the changes that occurred, it helped me become who I was always meant to be.

Alice scoffed and Joan's smile widened, she felt a tear escape her eye and took a shuddering breath.

-I'm sorry Vera... For everything...  
-Me too Joan... How about, we all go to bed, and I'll come by during the weekend. We'll have more time to talk, and hopefully we'll all have rested a bit.  
-Sounds good, what do you think ?

Joan nodded and Alice helped her out of the couch, the older woman stubbled and held her head, scrunching her brows.

-Are you okay, asked Vera.  
-Yes, but that blow still hurts.

Alice swallowed and drew circles on her back with her hand, holding unto her waist.

-I'm sorry...  
-It'll pass...

They all looked at each other for what seemed to be a very long minute and Vera went to her dinner table, she took the plastic bag with the gun and handed it to Alice, she saw Joan look away and she moved to the door, passing her head, checking that no one was outside before gesturing at Alice and Joan.

-I think it's all clear, hurry up.

Alice brought Joan to her car and waved at Vera.

-I'll text you later.  
-No problem, I'll fill you in on Bridget and Franky, okay ?  
-Alright, see you Vera.  
-See you, Alice. Joan...

Alice put on her seatbelt while the older woman looked over at Vera and saw a bright smile appearing on her lips.

-I'm glad you're alive.

Vera saw a tear streaming down Joan's cheek, and she nodded putting her hood back and turning off the automatic lights in the car.

-Alright, let's go home.

Alice got the car out of Vera's residence and started driving away, seeing Vera in the rearview mirror. Joan spotted her as well and kept on looking until she disappeared in the distance. She felt a hand on hers and looked over at Alice whose eyes were on the road, she tightened her grip, her other hand playing with her necklace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was another hard chapter to write, since it dealt with Joan's regrets and traumas as well, tell me in the comments if you found the one(trauma) I'm dealing with at a very specific moment. 
> 
> I made it so Joan (who she is on the inside, traumas and all) and the Governor(who her father shaped her to be)/her mental(DID ?) are having a fight as to who is in control, making Joan see the Governor (the woman she doesn't recognize as herself anymore) talk to her in the same fashion her father does.  
> (Kinda like when Will sees Joan in season 6, episode 7 and 9)
> 
> Hope you liked it, don't feel shy to comment, leave kudos or even to share ;P


	23. Chapter 23

No one spoke on the way home, while Alice's eyes were focussed on the road, and sometimes peeking at Joan's on the passenger seat, the older woman was looking at the scenery moving past her eyes, it had been a while since she had been in a car, the wind hitting her face. Joan saw a familiar sight and straightened on her seat, gripping her necklace. Alice pulled over and parked her car in front of her house, she turned the engine off and looked at Joan, seeing the woman staring at the house, she unfastened her seatbelt and put a hand on hers.

-Home sweet home.

Joan turned her head towards Alice and back to the house, home... I had been a while since she had called a place like that. She felt her mind flooding with memories from her time here, all the laughter, the teasing, the tears, the fights, the love... _She was home_. Joan unfastened her seatbelt as well and got out of the car, feeling the chilling breeze caress her face. She felt someone take her hand and gazed at Alice who had started walking towards the house, bringing Joan with her. She unlocked the door and entered, making Joan pass the threshold, the older woman started looking around, and she seemed to be staring at something.

-Alice ? You're back ?

Joan saw the man stand up from the couch and come towards the corridor, stopping when his eyes fell on her. She felt her chest becoming heavy with jealousy and looked over at Alice who smiled “seemingly” unaware.

-Yes Alex, I am. I brought someone with me. Alex this is Joan, Joan this is Alex.  
-Nice to meet you.

Alex presented his hand to her and her nose twitched, she shook his hand reluctantly while glaring at Alice.

-Who's that ?  
-I'm a friend.  
-Ha.  
-Alexander here is helping me with files, we help the police on a case. I asked him over, so he could watch over Frannie for me. I trust him.  
-Oh...

At this Joan seemed to falter a bit, she saw Alice raise an eyebrow before looking at the man.

-How was Frannie ?  
-A peach, she's asleep now, but even so, she insisted on reading ME a bedtime story.

Joan scoffed and a thin smile graced her lips, she felt a squeeze on her hand and looked over at Alice who winked at her.

-So hum ? Who is she ?  
-Should I ? Or you want to do it ?

Joan nodded negatively, squeezing Alice's hand.

-Joan and I go way back, she was an Officer back at Blackmoore. She's also Frannie's birthmother.

Both Alex and Joan's jaw dropped, but for different reasons. Alex had no idea it was this woman who could have possibly been with Alice, as she rarely spoke of that time not showed pictures of her, and since she had been in the files he had given her, he'd have to talk about that with her. Whereas Joan had not expected Alice to just lay it all out. Yet, she felt a proud smile making it's way to her lips, she felt Alice tuck her hand, and she was brought back to reality.

-Come, you need to eat something.  
-I'm fine.  
-Joan, I won't take no for an answer.

The older woman capitulated, remembering who she was dealing with, if people thought she was stubborn, well... Determined. They had obviously never met Alice. Joan followed Alice to the dining table and felt Alex stand behind her, causing a growing uneasiness to spread through her veins. She felt her trying to take over, but wielded her down, shifting her head repeatedly, her neck cracking.

-Alice, do you need for me to stay over ?  
-Yes, I do actually, I won't be able to go to work tomorrow for obvious reasons.  
-Yeah right... Oh, sorry.

Alex took a step back when he saw Joan shudder, Alice had seen the interaction but had pretended to look inside the fridge.

-It's alright...  
-No, you tell me if there's something that makes you uncomfortable in the future. I wouldn't want my actions badly interpreted. I'm here to help, not make things worst.  
-Okay...  
-Promise ?  
-Sure I... I promise.  
-Good then.  
-Alex, I'll need you to drop Frannie to school if you don't mind doing so.  
-That's fine by me, she'll probably lecture me on my driving, it'll be fun, said Alex teasing, Alright, I'll just be in the guest room for now. See you tomorrow, nice meeting you Joan.  
-You too...

Alex climbed the stairs and Joan breathed out, he seemed like a fine, nice man, mindful to boot. She heard a sound and saw Alice put a plate on the table, looking at her.

-I know you won't probably finish that, but at least try to eat some, it'll do you good.  
-I don't..  
-Joan, don't even finish that sentence. Now sit down and eat what you can while I run you a bath. God knows you need it.

Alice took the same path as Alex a few seconds ago and Joan started looking around, she heard a faint sound of water splashing and looked at the dinner table again, she sat down and took the fork in her hand staring at it, she knew she could pretend she had eaten but it wouldn't help her, and Alice would notice anyway. Joan scoffed, thinking about how alike they were, yet, she knew she'd never want to be against her in a fight, a real fight. Thought Joan was strong, Alice was stronger and a psychopath, the way Joan had been breed into was innate to Alice. She heard someone clearing their throat and felt a hand on her shoulder as she was about to glance back. The person leaned forward, their lips near her ear.

" _-She must have told the police already, and if she hasn't, she will. You bring desolation and death wherever you go. What makes you think either one of them would want to protecT you._ "

She started eating, trying to make abstraction of the growing sensation within herself. She let her eyes wander around the furniture, her mind reliving memories she hadn't long thought of and a set of pictures caught her eyes. Joan looked over at the stairs, then behind herself before looking back at the pictures. She laid the fork next to the plate and stood up, walking in front of the furniture, pushing her hood and hair from her face. She took the frame between her fingers and smiled upon seeing Frannie in fencing attire, she put it down and gazed at the other pictures depicting Alice and Frannie during birthdays, school events, or even competitions. A picture caught Joan's eyes, and she brought it closer to her face a proud smile making its way on her lips.

-That's the most recent picture.

Joan jumped before looking behind her at Alice, feeling her heart race.

-I'm sorry, I thought you had heard me.

The older woman went back to looking at the picture of Frannie and her gold medal in her fencing category and put the frame down.

-I've missed so much...  
-Yes, you have. Thank your lucky star she wasn't born in the same years as you.

Joan furrowed her brows, looking perplexed at Alice.

-At least we have decent pictures and videos.  
-Yes, we do, said Joan nostalgic.  
-Did you eat ?  
-Yes, I have. I promise, she added upon seeing the look on Alice's face.  
-Alright, I poured you a bath and tried finding some clothes that would fit, considering our... Slight height difference.

Joan caught the playful grin Alice gave her and smiled, raising a perfectly shaped eyebrow, slight difference of six inches indeed she mused. She followed Alice upstairs and entered the bathroom, the younger woman behind her.

-I guess you'll be alright from now ? Except if you need me for anything ?

Joan suddenly seemed to be in deep thoughts, uncertainty in her eyes.

" _-You appeared weak. Submissive. She'll betray you when she'll see what a victim you are._"  
"_-Leave me alone. I trust her more than you. She'll never betray me._"

-Do you need for me to wash your hair ?

She was taken out of her thoughts, lifting her gaze to Alice who was holding the door handle, before proceeding.

-That is if you want me too, I only asked because it'll take less time if I do it.

Joan nodded in agreement and Alice smiled before taking a step into the bathroom, pointing at a basket in the corner.

-You can put your clothes there, I'll wash them tomorrow, and I'll try going to the store to see what I can find you since I'm not sure you'd want to keep on wearing that. Well, I'll let you get in, just knock when you're done.

Alice squeezed her arm before leaving the bathroom, resting her back on the door. Not that she minded being in the same room as Joan, but given her reactions during the previous hours, she didn't want to have to hurt her again, so she decided to give her, her space. Joan was looking at the door before turning to the mirror, taking a step back, looking at herself. She looked like shit. She swallowed with some difficulty and disrobed, folding her clothes and placing them in the basket Alice had pointed at her, she looked at the water before testing it with her fingers, a gentle warmth caressing her skin. She entered the water and looked over at the door, knocking twice. Alice entered and closed the door behind her, seating on the ground to be at eye level.

-How's the water ?  
-Warm.

Alice rolled her eyes and sighed, a smile blooming on her lips.

-Ha, how witty of you, I am dying of laughter, she said teasing.

Joan took some water in her hands and threw it at Alice who squealed.

-Who's laughing now ?  
-You'll pay for that, I don't know how yet, but trust me. My revenge will be dearly felt.

They laughed at their behavior, somehow it came easily to them, maybe the years of living together, but there was something that had definitely changed.

-Alright, I'll wash your hair and we'll be able to get some sleep.  
-Could you... I mean I...  
-What is it ?  
-I don't want to stay alone...

Alice who was going to spread shampoo on the silver-streaked hair stopped moving altogether, shifting to meet Joan's face.

-Joan, what led you to believe I'd leave you alone ?  
-You left the bathroom.

Alice raised an eyebrow, before nodding.

-True, because I thought you'd be more comfortable. I wanted to give you some space. Now, if you feel comfortable, I won't leave unless you expressively ask me to.  
-Thank you...  
-Alright, I'd never thought I'd say that. You have leaves in your hair, what happened to yo...

Alice mentally slapped herself, pressing her wrist against her forehead, exhaling.

-I'm sorry, we can talk about that later today or any other time...

The rest was spent in silence. Alice stood up first, taking a fresh towel in her hands, Joan emerged from the muddy water and stepped out of the bathtub, wrapping herself in the towel, her cheeks flushed pink. Alice saw that and drove her to her bedroom, she opened the door and let Joan enter at her own pace. She closed the door when she was in the middle of the room and gestured toward her vanity. Joan went closer to the chair and took the shirt in her hands, scrunching her brows.

-Is that my shirt ?  
-Yes, I tried to see if I had some clothes of yours and that's what I could grab from the higher shelf.

Joan smiled, picturing Alice trying to reach the top shelf and looked at her.

-So that's what took you so long ?  
-Ha, ha, ha. Not everyone has long legs. Gorgeous long legs.

Joan blushed and it was Alice's turn to smile, before raising an eyebrow.

-I hope everything still fits because it's not at, three am, that I'll be able to buy some clothes. I might have an oversized shirt, which probably wouldn't look oversized on you, but still. I guess it's better than nothing.

Alice sat on her bed waiting for Joan to say something, but all she saw was the older woman looking at her, seeming nostalgic, a sadness passing in front of her chocolate eyes.

-I preferred when I made you blush.

She yawned and Joan stared changing in the clothes Alice had found for her, she guessed the clothes must have stayed there since she didn't even remember ever wearing them. She felt the gray pants clinging a bit to her skin, making her self conscious, but the black shirt hanged loosely around her body. She turned to face Alice who had changed into a black shirt and pants, and caught her staring.

-I definitely love those pants.

Joan brushed a tuft of hair behind her ear and Alice walked to her, taking her hands in hers.

-You're gorgeous, you have always been. I mean it, those pants look good on you.  
-I shouldn't... Feel like that.  
-Like what ?  
-I shouldn't feel... This...

Alice nearly took a step backward, but instead, made Joan sit down in front of her vanity, taking her brush, and started detangling her silver-streaked hair, feeling Joan's eyes on her.

-You should be happy to feel. I don't know if I'll ever feel like you do.  
-Emotions lead to...  
-Is your father here ? Is she ?  
-Hum... I...  
-Exactly. They aren't. And you and I both know that "emotions lead to mistakes", is a lie.  
-How would you know ?  
-Emotions, feelings that's what brought our daughter into this world. Are you going to tell me she was a mistake ?

Joan's heart stopped and she looked up into Alice's reflection, sensing her staring at her. 

"- _Dad..._  
_-All these years, I tried to make you realize emotions are a burden not to be bothered with. And what did you do ? You attached yourself to people who kept on hurting you. You let them use your weakness. You had a daughter, a mistake._  
_-Frannie wasn't a mistake !!_"

-No... No, I... He...  
-Does this have to do with your nightmare ? Did he say that ?

Joan gulped and Alice knew she needn't answer that. Of course he'd say that, pridurok.(moron.) Alice started braiding Joan's hair, seemingly studying the strands, amazed by how she had barely changed physically except for the gray overpowering the ebony hair. She caught Joan still looking down and she tucked on her hair softly, making eye contact, exchanging silently. Alice bent at the waist and looked at their reflections, tying her hair, before resting her hands on her shoulders. Joan placed a hand on Alice's before trailing it down her braid, she gazed at their reflections and lifted her hand to brush against Alice's cheek, causing her to close her eyes, leaning into the touch. She saw the brunette smile, opening her eyes, and felt Alice plant a kiss on her jaw before standing back up.

-Are you coming ?

Joan swallowed hard and bit the inside of her cheek, she stood and went towards the bed, looking wary.

-You know the bed isn't going to bite you. Chances are you're more likely to bite it, finished Alice smiling.

Joan raised ane eyebrow and entered the covers, she laid on her back and rested her head the pillow, closing her eyes. She opened them the moment she felt something caressing her face and realized Alice was pushing small strands of hair away. She turned to face her and saw Alice's upper body resting on her elbow, looking down at her.

-Are you alright ?

Joan looked around before gazing back at Alice.

-I'ts been a while....  
-For me too, I'm... Thankful.  
-No need.  
-Yes, there is, you kept it for us. So thank you. We should get some sleep, today is going to be quite a day.

Alice laid on her back, sighing, feeling her body relax, she felt observed, hearing a faint metallic rustle but decided to keep her eyes closed.

-Is there something you'd like to say ?  
-Why do you ask ?  
-Because you're fidgeting with your necklace.

Alice saw Joan looking down and went closer to her, resting a hand on hers.

-If you have a nightmare, just remember that I'm here. You're safe with me.

The older woman gazed into Alice's eyes and though she couldn't see any hint of a lie, turned her back to her, feeling tears threaten to escape.

-I'm not safe anywhere. Not in my body, not even in my mind...

Joan sniffed and felt a hand on her back, she closed her eyes as the hand traveled to her sides, before resting on her belly. She tensed slightly and felt Alice turning her, for them to be face to face.

-You're not safe with me...  
-Joan.  
-You're not...  
-Well then, it's a good thing that I don't know what fear is. Because I'm taking my chances.

Joan sat down on the bed, tears, gliding down her cheeks, intertwining her fingers in her hair.

-You don't understand.  
-Then explain to me. What don't I understand ?

Joan nodded negatively and Alice saw her hands tremble, the brunette scooted closer to her, raising a hand to rest in the middle of her back, drawing circles.

-Joan, if there is one person whom you can tell what happened, it's me.  
-No.  
-Why not ?  
-You'll hate me...  
-Of course not. You know I could never do that.  
-You _are_ going to hate me. Us.  
-And why is that ?  
-Because I'm... I'm a monster.

Alice scoffed, rolling her eyes, staring intrigued at Joan who began to sob. The younger woman brought her closer and laid them on the bed, Joan's head resting on her chest, her arms wrapped around her waist.

-You' are not.  
-I am. I've... _I've done awful things !_  
-Everybody's does awful things at some point.  
-No, not like the ones I've done.  
-Joan, what are you talking about ?

Alice had read the papers, they were filled with possible things the former Governor could have done, allegations, each bloodier than the previous one. Murder, torture, manipulation. She didn't want to believe the woman whom she had helped so many years ago, had gone such a dark path, even though she knew she was more than capable of pulling something like that, again. After all, she had done the same at Blackmoore.

- _I did it._

Alice froze, heart stopping in her chest when she heard the words, her mouth opened ever so slightly as she felt Joan sob in her arms.

- _I did what they say, I did all of it._

She sobbed even more, clutching onto Alice's clothes.

- ** _I tortured Spiteri like he used to do to me ! I can... I can still hear her voice, pleading with me ! Begging me to stop !_**

Alice's scrunched her brows and looked down at the woman in her arms, her eyes wide, astonished.

- ** _I killed Warner ! She was going to hurt Doreen's baby, I just did it, I, I... I killed Slater because she was going to try to kill Bea Smith ! She would have ruined my plan if I had not taken her out ! Chertov narkoman ! (Fucking junkie !)_**  
-Joan.

Joan left the embrace, sitting on the bed. She hit her thigh with her first repeatedly, avoiding to look the corner of the room near Alice's wardrobe. Feeling the piercing eye of the Governor on her. Feeling her trying to crawl out, her anger simmering beneath the surface, making it hard to draw a line.

-It was never in the plan to kill her husband, he just, he just happened. I thought I could take him away for good !  
-What ? Who ?  
-Will Jackson ! I thought they wouldn't be able to figure out he didn't kill him, I thought it'd be the end !  
-Alright, st...  
- ** _I never meant to kill her, she lunged at me, she kept plunging my hand at herself ! Again and again ! I just... I don't know... I don't know what came over me ! She stopped and I kept on stabbing her, I never meant to kill her, it wasn't what I wanted to do ! I was going to walk free ! She had to ruin everything !_**

" _-Stop talking, you're making a fool of yourself._"  
"_-Leave me alone !_"  
"_-You're giving her everything she needs to bring you down._"  
"_-She wouldn't do that !_"  
"_-I would not be surprised if we were to be sent back into that place. The correctional facility seemed so much more appealing compared to the psychi..._"

-Stop it ! I was there too ! I remember !

Suddenly Joan started shaking, her eyes closed, her hands covering her ears. Catching Alice off guard. She heard her hyperventilate and felt at a loss, she had never seen her like that before. She looked around, thinking and tried gripping her hands into her own.

-Alright. Joan, I need you to try to breathe in and out, okay ? I need you to calm down. We're alone in this room.  
- ** _It's my fault, all that happened is my fault ! If I hadn't been that vengeful ! If I didn't feel so much ! If she wasn't there !_**

Joan hit herself in the face, feeling the burning sensation merge into a sharp jolt of pain, feeling Alice grab her wrists, as she struggled to break free.

-Joan ! We'll talk about that later, now what I need is for you to try to calm down and you can't do that if...  
- ** _You don't listen ! Nobody does ! I did all the things they say !_**  
-You've already said that but you're not...  
- ** _I did it because I wanted them to hurt ! Because they hurt me !_**

Alice fell silent, her eyes locked on the woman in front of her, her face twisting back and forth with sadness and hatred.

- ** _I couldn't let them interfere with my plan to take him down ! I wanted for him to pay for Jianna !_**  
-Joan. Jianna was killed by the prisoners, you know it.  
- ** _If he hadn't taken her baby away, the prisoners would have never laid a hand on her ! He helped to put me behind bars ! He buried me alive ! Him and that zmeya ! (snake !)_**

Joan's face twisted into something resembling resentment, leaving Alice's hands to rest on the cover, her eyes searching for the chocolate ones.

- ** _I was screaming, pounding on the wood, and he didn't care ! He kept on burying me ! He didn't have to guts to look at me in the eyes as he was killing me ! He preferred to bury me someplace abandoned, where no one would have ever known what happened and yet, he would have walked free ! I spent hours in that box, scratching the wood with my nails ! Pounding to try to break free !_**

" _-Because you think you could have done that by yourself ? _This_ , is the thanks I get ? PatheTic._ "

Alice swallowed the lump which had formed in her throat and saw exhaustion wash over Joan, tears still streaming down her face.

-How ?  
-I broke free. I dug myself out.  


" _-Without me, you wouldn't even be here today. You would have died as a child._ "

Alice was about to move away when she felt hands clutching her wrist, she looked over at the older woman and saw panic in her eyes.

-Please don't leave me ! I'm sorry ! I, I know I...  
-Joan ?  
-I'm sorry, please don't leave me again ! I'll be good !

" _-You're worthless. Nothing._ "

She let go of her wrist and smacked herself repeatedly before Alice gripped her arms, preventing her once again to hurt herself, holding her in a tight hug.

- ** _I'm a freak !_**  
-Joan, stop talking. Right now.  
- ** _I should have just killed myself !_**

Alice's blood turned cold within seconds, her eyes wide, her lips parted, her hands loosening around her wrist, going up her arms to cup her cheeks. Joan looked up to Alice who was looking at her as if trying to fathom what she had just heard. She turned her head sideways and could have sworn to have seen the Governor's eyes widen, and an audible gulp.

-Don't you ever, EVER say that, do you hear me ! Don't...  
- _I should have. I tried and I couldn't. Because I'm weak. She's right._  
-No, you're not. You cannot trust her, you know it.  
- _I am. I'm pointless._  
- ** _Will you shut and listen to me instead of being so focussed on the sound of your own voice ?!_**

Joan's eyes widened and she stared at Alice, while the younger woman closed her eyes, trying to think in light of what she had just been told. It had been a few minutes and Alice still heard no noise, she looked up, her eyes meeting Joan's and she rubbed her thumb on her cheek, scooting closer to her.

-You are not pointless. You are not weak. You are an amazing woman who has made mistakes, however big or small. And you are loved... Don't interrupt me.

She shot a fiery gaze at Joan, who closed her mouth and gulped under the stare, dried tears gracing her cheeks.

-You have a daughter who has never stopped loving you, though she doesn't know you. A daughter, who has been asking about you every day of her life. Vera, who despite all you've done, cannot hate you, because she cares. I know you did too, in your own way. And you have me. You'll always have me. I made you a promise and I failed it, I said I'd never leave you. Yet I listened to her when I shouldn't have. I should...

Alice took a shuddering breath, making Joan raise a brow, her head slowly tilting on the side, hearing the Governor scoff.

-I should have gone against your wishes and stayed. I would have been able to stop you, to help you. Instead, I left you alone, and I didn't call. I thought... All that happened, everything, it happened because I left when I promised I wouldn't. She made me, us, leave. I won't let her put barriers between us.

Alice looked into Joan's eyes, and the older woman slightly backed away in surprise, upon seeing tears in the chestnut brown eyes. Taken aback by the display she had rarely witnessed during their years together.

- _I thought I had lost you. I thought you were dead._ I was thinking about how I was going to tell our daughter. So next time she tells me, us ! To leave, she'll have to throw me out herself. _Stab me, throttle me, knock me out I don't care. But I won't ever leave because she says so. Never ! Because I... YA lyublyu tebya. (I love you.)_

Joan felt her eyes swelling with tears again and bit the inside of her cheeks, she felt warmth spread through her and looked over at the Governor who seemed to have a strained look plastered on her face. She felt so many contradictory emotions that she closed her eyes as Alice resumed stroking her cheeks.

-I didn't call either.

Joan opened her eyes, locking them with Alice's, hot tears making yet again their way down her cheeks.

-I didn't call and I didn't try to know how you both were. Where you were.  
-See, we both make mistakes. Joan... Please, try to leave the past in the past, it'll keep on hurting you if you clutch onto it. If you don't let go.  
-I can't, I... It's all I know...  
-Letting go doesn't mean forgetting. It means being at peace with what happened, understanding it cannot be changed. That it's done and only now matters.  
-I don't know if I can do that...  
-I believed in you before and I still do, if you don't believe in yourself, then I'll give you reasons to.

Alice took Joan's right forearm in her hands and lifted the sleeve to her elbow, tracing faint, whitish lines on her milky skin. The older woman felt the Governor blazing gaze on her, trying to make abstraction of it. She felt a sudden anger burst in her chest, mixed with pride and pain.

-You made it through this, therefore you can make it through what's happened now too.

Alice brought her forearm to her lips and planted feather-like kisses on her skin, feeling a hand rest on her head. She looked up and saw dark eyes studying her before looking away. Joan could see the Governor's jaw tighten, her nose twitching, shifting uncomfortably, feeling that anger inside her chest evaporate, pain taking more and more space.

-You put too much faith in me.  
-That's where you're wrong, I know you, at least I know you more than anyone who's ever lived and met you. 

Alice gave a last kiss to her forearm and held onto her hands as she rested her back on the mattress, tugging on her hands. Joan followed warily, resting her head on her chest, and relaxed when her ear heard her heartbeat, and felt a hand in her hair, the pain fading away.

-Ioanna, ya znayu, chto ty i ya veryu v vas. Vy sposobny. Ty dostatochno khorosh. Moya lyubov'.(Joan, I know you and I believe in you. You are capable. You are good enough. My love.)

Joan smiled at the nickname and felt herself sinking deeper into the embrace, her body finally giving up, she rubbed her nose against the fabric of Alice's shirt and looked up, feeling a warmth filling her chest.

-Ty moya luchshaya polovina. Moy... Moy yarkiy svet.(You are my better half. My... My shining light.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter guys !  
> Don't hesitate to leave kudos if you liked it, or even comments, since I'd like to have your feedback !


	24. Chapter 24

Joan sat down abruptly, panting, passing her hands through her hair, trying to calm her breathing. She closed her eyes, taking her head between her hands, her mind still processing the nightmare she just had. Always the same, it was always the same. But this time, her father had been more present, like always when she was relapsing. Joan opened her eyes and looked around, scrunching her brows, her brain still trying to process everything. Where was she ? That looked an awful lot like Alice's. Wait... It looked like Alice's. Joan stood up from the bed, her eyes wide, she looked down at her clothes and went into the bathroom. She looked at herself, her lips parting upon seeing the purple-ish bruise tainting her cheek and nose, she opened the tap, letting cold water spill from it, bringing her hands below the stream and splashed her face, sending chills down her spine. She looked at herself again and dried her face, trying to think, trying to remember how she got here, how come she had this bruise. Joan left the bathroom and rushed downstairs, she heard noises coming from the kitchen and walked toward her destination warily, dreading what, or who, she was going to see. She stopped right away when her eyes fell on the person's back. Alice was in the kitchen preparing breakfast, seemingly unaware that Joan was watching her. Joan found herself staring at the woman in from of her, the loose, caramel strands falling from her messy bun, her shirt stopping at her hips, letting her eyes glide down milky her legs. She felt her eyes water, her lips parting. Was she still dreaming ? Was it a cruel nightmare ? Did she die and this was her punishment ? The floor cracked and Joan was taken out of her thoughts, she saw Alice turn to look at her and discerned concern, she took a few steps back and Alice smiled at her.

-I made breakfast. Enough for two.

Alice switched off the stove and walked toward Joan, taking her hands in hers, she made her sit at the table and saw Joan looking around warily, her brows furrowed and silent tears falling.

-Am I dreaming ?

Alice placed their plates down and pinched Joan's arm, causing her to yelp in pain. She felt chocolate eyes on her and looked down at the woman, seeing the burning fire behind them.

-You're not dreaming. Do you wish you were ? Added Alice after a pause.  
-If I'm not dreaming, is this a cruel idea of a nightmare ?  
-Am I your nightmare ?  
-What ? No, I...

Alice tilted her head on the right, looking at Joan holding her head between her hands.

-What is it ? Tell me.  
-I feel like... I'm either in a dream... Or dead.  
-Why ?  
-Because... I... It's just...  
-Take your time.  
-It looks too good to be true... You, here...  
-Well, then we must be many to have dreamt what happened during the night.

Joan looked up, visibly unaware as to what Alice was referring to.

-I meant what happened at Vera's, do you remember that part of the night ?

Joan furrowed her brows, alternating between looking down at her plate and Alice.

-Not entirely, just... Bits...  
-Well it's better than nothing, at least you're not completely clueless as to what happened. Just know that things were under control, and no one was harmed. That should put your mind at rest.

The older woman looked down, playing with her food, she stuffed scrambled eggs in her mouth and couldn't refrain a moan from passing her lips, making her blush furiously. Causing Alice's lips to twitch in a genuine smile.

-No need to feel that way, I can only imagine what you've been through. You look much thinner, I figured you'd be famished. Eat and enjoy, that's all you have to do for now.  
-Why ?  
-Why what ?  
-Why are you helping me ?

It was Alice's turn to furrow her brows.

-What do you remember from the night ?  
-Not much...  
-Could you retrace what you remember for me ?  
-I remember holding Grace, then seeing you and Vera at the door. I can't remember how I got there, but I think I was on her couch, you were there, Grace and Vera too. We came back home, there was someone else there... What is it ?  
-You said home, Alice saw Joan blush again, looking down at her knees before continuing, What else ?  
-I took a bath, you... You washed my hair and we went to... Bed...  
-Do you remember the discussion we had ?  
-It's blurry...  
-Alright, that is to be expected. I did have a hand in this.  
-What do you mean ?  
-I knocked you out. That might be a factor as to why you are having difficulties focussing or remembering, not only that but the state of mind and exhaustion you were in mustn't help either.  
-So that's why I have a bruise...  
-I'm... I'm sorry. As I told you, you were frantic, I don't know what caused it, but I couldn't very well hold on to you. You could have hurt yourself or us. I couldn't think of any other way.  
-You don't have to justify your actions to me.  
-I know. But I want to.

They ate the rest of their breakfast in silence, Alice had stood up and taken the dishes to the sink and had sat back down with two coffees.

-I thought you'd like a one, or at least that you'd need one.  
-Thank you.

Joan brought the hot beverage to her lips and inhaled the scent of the coffee, letting it invade her senses.

-I guess it's been a while since you had a decent coffee.  
-It's been a long time since... Since I've had anything.  
-The person you remember, from earlier today.  
-What about him ?  
-It's Alexander, he's helping me with a case.  
-A case ?  
-Yes, sometimes the police come to me to help them with cases they have a hard time with.  
-Do you like it ?  
-Yes, it can be rewarding and fulfilling. It makes me see another part of my job and let's just say that my psychopathy is rather handy when it comes down to it.

Joan took a sip of her coffee, feeling the strong aromas and acidity grace her taste buds, the warmth sliding down her throat.

-This really feels like a dream...  
-Why ?  
-Because it's all so... Perfect...  
-You think ?  
-Yes.  
-Well, you're not dreaming, because I guess it would be a dream only if our daughter were to walk in right now, but she is at school, so you'll be able to see her tonight.  
-I can't stay here.  
-Yes, you can, in fact, I insist upon that point.  
-I'm only going to create trouble for you.  
-Nonsense, the only trouble you could possibly create has to do with my sleeping pattern and I don't mind in the slightest. Especially if you need me.  
-You reek of concern.  
-And that's a bad thing ?

Alice's eyes were locked into Joan's who was maintaining the stare, until she gave in, looking down at her coffee.

-That's what I thought. You know lyubov'(love), you can fool the others. But I know you too well for you to try to manipulate me. And use “feelings” against me. You'll always feel more than I do. And you denying it won't change the fact that it's the truth.  
-You're repeating yourself.  
-Yes well, I guess one must do whatever it takes. In my case, if I don't repeat myself, you don't listen and you stay trapped in your own mind. And we both know how it usually ends up.

Joan placed the cup on the table wiping away a tear from her cheek.

_“-Get a grip, Joan. Stop crying, you're making us look weak.”_

-It's alright to cry if you feel the need to.  
-It's weak.  
-Actually, crying is an act of courage. I would have thought you'd have remembered that.  
-I'm tired of crying. I haven't cried like that in such a long time, it's futile.  
-Well then, you know now why you are crying.

Alice stood up and set her chair closer to Joan's, stroking her silver-streaked hair, feeling Joan lean into the touch, practically purring.

-You're battling right now, aren't you ?

Alice heard Joan sniff and brought her head to rest on her shoulder, pushing her hair off her face.

-You're gorgeous.

She felt Joan tense a bit in her arms and kept on stroking her hair, feeling her growing more at ease.

-I've missed you...

Joan sobbed sinking into Alice's embrace, feeling an arm circling her waist, bringing her closer.

-I've missed you too. More than you realize.

* * * * *

Vera arrived at the reception and signed next to her name, greeting Linda.

-I would have never thought I'd see the day when you'd be late.  
-Oh, come on ! It can't be the first time ? Can it ? Vera caught the look Linda was giving her and rolled her eyes scoffing. -There is a first time to everything I suppose. Has anyone noticed ?  
-You bet they did, they're all in the staff room. Be ready for questioning, she added smirking.

Vera laughed and turned to place her bag on the table and pass the detector. She took her bag and looked at her watch. She was barely late, ten minutes. Hopefully, Will wasn't going to make a big deal out of it, given the night she had had. Well, since she couldn't mention it to him, she'd have to find have a rock-solid lie. Vera took a deep breath and passed the door of the staff room, walking towards the table, seeing Bridget, Will, and Jake in what seemed to be an animated conversation.

-I'm telling you, the males, the inmates, always fighting. It's impossible.  
-My god, you must have seen quite a few back there, ay ?  
-Yeah, somehow women's prisons are calmer, in spite of all that's happening.  
-I'm not sure Wentworth can be associated with calm, plus they do fight here as well. Rather violently if I might add.  
-I know, I know, but it's easier handling a woman than a man twice your size, with biceps the size of a watermelon.

The three of them laughed and Vera smiled softly, if only it could be like that more often. Will turned and his eyes fell on Vera, raising an eyebrow.

-You're late.  
-I know, I was hoping you wouldn't have noticed.  
-You look like you could use a few more hours of sleep, what happened ? Asked Jake.

Vera looked up, alternating between Will and Jake, before shaking her head.

-I'm fine, just tossed around for a few hours, couldn't find sleep.  
-Did you and Alice talk until very early in the morning ? Said Bridget laughing.  
-Actually, yes we did. It was... Hectic.

Vera glanced at Bridget and shook her head once again, making Will and Jake looked at each other then proceed to glance at their friends.

-I see we can't be in the confidence.  
-Now you've got us wondering.  
-Yes well, I'm afraid you'll have to keep on wondering Jake. Just know it did prevent me to sleep for a while. And Will, if it really is too big of a deal, I'll stay ten minutes tonight.  
-No, it's alright, just didn't think I'd see the day when you'd arrive late.  
-First Linda, now you. I mean, I'm not a saint, I can arrive late as well !  
-It's the first time in God knows how long !  
-Whatever guys, Bridget ?  
-Yeah ?  
-Could you pass by my office later this morning ?  
-Sure, I'll drop by.

She shot a knowing look at Bridget and walked toward the door, but stopped when she felt her arm being grabbed. She turned surprised and saw Jake behind her.

-Yes ?  
-You've been avoiding me.  
-Oh for Christ's sake, I don't have the time for this.  
-So you make time to talk to Bridget, but not me ?  
-What I need to tell Bridget is rather important, I have nothing to say to you.  
-Well, what if I do ?  
-Say it then ? Is there something on your mind ?  
-Not here, later. Everyone can listen.

Jake left, taking his talkie, calling an Officer, while Vera stood there baffled. Well then, that had been unexpected.

* * * * *

Vera was working on Official papers when she heard knocks, she straightened on her chair, placing her pen down.

-Enter.

She saw Bridget open the door and relaxed.

-You wanted to see me ?  
-Yes, please come in. Close the door, will you ?

Bridget obeyed and sat down in front of Vera, folding her hands on her laps.

-Bridget... I hum...  
-Is it about Alice ? You know it's okay to have a girl's night Vera, I won't reproach you that. I'm sure Will doesn't mind as much as he let believe.  
-No, that's not... It wasn't a girl's night.  
-What do you mean ?  
-Alice and I did talk, but it wasn't like that.

Vera saw Bridget look at her with furrowed brows and cleared her throat.

-It's something I couldn't mention in front of Will nor Jake. Something only us know.  
-Joan ?

Vera nodded and saw Bridget sitting at the edge of her seat.

-Did she call you again ? Was Alice there ?  
-No, it' wasn't a phone call, but yes, Alice was there.

There was a silence during which Vera looked down, trying to tame her mind, to sort out her thoughts, she looked up and saw Bridget's eyes studying her.

-So what happened ?  
-She's back.

Vera saw Bridget's eyes widening, her back collapsing on the back of the chair, her lips parting slightly.

-Back as in... Back, back ?  
-Back as in she was there yesterday. Well, this morning.  
-I don't... Hum... What happened ? I mean, are you okay ? What about Grace ?  
-Just, it's complicated...  
-I've got time...

Vera scoffed and started fidgeting with her pen, well, Joan's pen. She rolled it between her fingers, which didn't go unnoticed by Bridget.

-Vera ? What happened ?  
-Joan was... It all happened quickly. I don't know where to start.  
-So, you got home, then what ?  
-I spent time with Grace, she fell asleep and I started preparing diner. Alice called, she... There was something she had needed my help with and she thought she needed to come clean about a part of it and she did.

Vera paused glancing at Bridget who nodded in her direction.

-We started talking and I heard noises, then I heard singing. A Russian Lullaby. Alice drove to my house in a hurry. I was about to go into Grace's room and Alice arrived. We both entered and Joan was holding Grace.  
-Is Grace alright ?  
-She's fine, she had no idea what was going on.  
-Good, that's better that way.  
-Yeah...  
-And Joan ?

Vera paused again, looking at the pen.

-You should have seen her... She was... Unlike anything, I'd ever seen.  
-Did she hurt anyone ?  
-No, Alice handled it.  
-Handled it ?  
-She knocked her out.  
-What... Why?  
-Because she had come to my house to make things, right. Regarding Grace. She said that, she placed her upon me, that I never wanted her in the first place, that she had to correct it.  
-That doesn't sound so different from the Joan we used to see.  
-She was... Talking to herself. I mean like, you know...  
-An internal discussion ? What, like DID or something ?  
-Yeah, well, I guess that's what it was. It was like, she was two different people at the same time. She got scared and placed Grace down, she kept saying that she didn't want to do this, she never wanted to come here, that she made her.  
-She ?  
-Alice calls her the Guvna'.  
-I'm afraid you lost me... She doesn't have DID...  
-Alice thinks she could, or co-conscious DID I think it was. Anyways, there's Joan, her core. And then her, her traumas, her... Father's construct. That woman, Joan said she, protected her somehow ?  
-So she was talking to that side of herself ?  
-Yes, but you know like us when we talk to ourselves, when in need of advice or something...  
-And she was like that ? For how long ?  
-For the entirety of the first part of the evening.  
-But what did she say ? I mean what could she possibly have to say ?  
-That she didn't want to hurt us.

Bridget stayed silent, it was a beginning, if Joan or whoever she was did not want to hurt them, in spite of what happened, there was hope. And Bridget was starting to see it.

-Keep on...  
-She said she didn't want to be her... The Govna', that she... She hurts people, she doesn't correct them. That he hurt them like that.  
-He ?  
-Joan's father. He did... Things. I mean, the way she treated inmates, the way she hurt people. He treated her like that.

She finished her sentence, almost whispering, pain washing over her. She saw Bridget take a blank paper from her desk and a pen, before looking at her.

-Do you mind if I write down what you're saying ?

Vera shook her head and looked down at Bridget's hand, scribbling rapidly on the page. She glanced at her and breathed out.

-I'm all ears...  
-She said she didn't want to be here, she didn't need her. That she hated them. Then she proceeded to talk to Alice, like what they both failed, that some people can't be saved. That she was a...  
-A what ?  
- _A freak, an aberration, a monster._ That since it's what we wanted to see, it was what she was going to give us. How she made her stronger. Then she scurried away, saying that she didn't want to hurt us. That she didn't want for her to die.  
-Somebody died ?  
-I can guess whom she was talking about.  
-And ?  
-Well the only person who used to be a she that died, and whom she cared about, was that prisoner at Blackmoore.

Vera bit her lip, looking down, she felt a hand on hers and glanced at Bridget.

-Vera ? What is it ?  
-She said she loved me.  
-Vera...  
-She did, she...

She felt the tears burning at the edge of her eyes and breathed out.

-She said she shouldn't have taken her hand away, that she couldn't help it. That I hated her. She said she should have opened the gates and... Killed Gambaro and her boys...  
-Vera.  
-She didn't want the evening to go like that, neither did I... I was just so hurt... She said I didn't let her explain, that she should have gone after me !  
-Vera, I need you to take deep breaths, okay.

She started crying, trying to listen to Bridget's words somehow out of this world.

-It's all my fault if I had tried to understand her ! If I had just waited, or even asked !  
-Vera, we're all at fault but right now you need to calm down, it won't help if you're in that state and someone walks in.  
-I know, I know... I just... I wish I could go back and change everything.  
-Don't we all ?

Vera stared at Bridget, fresh tears on her cheeks, sadness washing over her, until she thought of a detail, making her furrow her brows and making Bridget wonder.

-Is there something else ?  
-She had... She tried to... They fought. Alice and Joan. Alice knocked her on the floor, she was resting on top of Joan.  
-So ?  
-She went frantic. She looked terrified.  
-Did she say anything ?  
-She kept saying don't touch me, let me go, get away from me. She was getting worst by the second, she was crying.  
-And you're telling me this because ??  
-Because it seems like something important. Something that traumatized her, whatever it is. Any idea what it could be ?  
-Well... I hum... I might have an idea, but that's very unlike... Wait.  
-What is it ?

Vera straightened on her chair, looking at Bridget expectantly. She saw Bridget's eyes darting around before glancing at her.

-Vera, Gambaro and her boys...  
-What about them ?  
-Joan "fell" in the showers. Just like Sonya and we all know who beat her. Joan took out Gambarro's tongue off and sent it to you. Vera... How many people "fell" in these showers... Why did she send it to you specifically ?

At this Vera's jaw fell on the floor, the pieces of the puzzle coming together in a macabre fashion. Her eyes wide, seated in her Office she could still see Joan naked in front of her, purple, burgundy, and yellowish bruises on her wrist, waist, thighs. How it had chilled her to the bone. And the severed tongue in the box... She stood up abruptly, startling Bridget who took her distances.

-Fuck !  
-Alright...  
-I knew it ! I fucking knew it !  
-Vera, the walls have ears.  
-She told me she fell and I couldn't get her to admit what I already knew ! I should have slotted them indefinetly !  
-What's done is done, Vera. You can't change that.  
-And because of it, she's traumatized. Because of it, she had to be knocked out, on my floor, because she was terrified !  
-Vera.  
-What ?!  
-How come this happened ?  
-What ?  
-I always thought she had subjected herself to it willingly. But if she didn't, how come it happened ? Wasn't she supposed to be under constant watch ?  
-We both know she was. But no one ever came forward. No one.  
-But who was the Officer on charge that morning ? Surely, even if they claim they don't know, they must have seen something.

Suddenly it was as if a lightbulb had a light above her head. It all made sense.

-Vera ?  
-Linda was the Officer guarding Joan. Remember what she said to us. She said she told Alice about the hanging and how she couldn't prevent it, that she should let it go, that she couldn't change the past.  
-You think she knows about it ?  
-Why else would she feel the need to tell Alice about it ? It all makes sense !  
-I'm afraid it only does to you.  
-I was watching the CCTV Bridget, but at no moment did I see Joan nor Linda. But I saw Gambaro and her boys come to the cafeteria after everyone. And then I saw Bea enter.  
-How did they know she was supposed to have a shower ? Surely you wouldn't have told anyone.  
-Of course not ! The only person I told was Anderson !  
-And you don't think she might have said that to someone, and maybe they would have heard her ?  
-Well, I guess we'll never know now.

Vera glanced at her friend before looking at the door, she walked towards it and opened it. She saw an Officer and waved at him.

-Could I use your talkie ? I need Miss Miles here, urgently.

Bridget closed her mouth, knowing what Vera was about to do, she wanted to stop her but at this point, she wanted to know as well.

-Sure, Miss Bennett.  
-Thank you. Miss Miles ?  
-Vera ? How did you get a talkie ?  
-I'm using an Officer's, could you come up to my Office ?  
-Now ?  
-Yes, it's urgent.  
-Hum okay...  
-Thanks, Linda. Thank you for this.  
-You're welcome, have a good day.

Vera smiled at the Officer and closed her door, turning to face Bridget.

-Are you sure about this ?  
-No. But I want to know. I need to know.


	25. Chapter 25

-Did you find what I asked for ?  
-Yeah, but I'm not doing it again.

Jake looked around and gave Allie three pages with what seemed to be very little written on them.

-That's all you could find ?  
-She keeps her cards close to her chest, couldn't find more without raising any suspicions.

Allie started looking through the papers, her eyes gliding over the words.

-There is stuff on the last page you might want to read.

Allie obliged and her eyes widened, a smirk slowly appearing at the corner of her lips.

-So she's not that clean after all. Blackmoore... Incident, beating... Inmate. Ferguson. She took a fall for her ?  
-Apparently, Ferguson fucked up, and she covered for her, pretending she was the one bashing the inmate. Could you hurry up ?  
-Calm down, we won't be disturbed. Let's see, what about the girl, Jianna. Anything on her ?  
-Keep on reading.

Allie jumped a few lines and her smile grew to be bigger.

-She was there when she was killed... Where did you find this ?  
-Asked one of the inmates present, said they held her down as they did it.  
-Damn, who would have thought... Wait, what ?  
-What is it now ?  
-She's working with police officers ?  
-Yeah, she's working on cases outside the correctional field.  
-That could come in handy.  
-I wouldn't use that stuff against her if I were you.  
-Why is that ?  
-Did you listen to her ? I thought you knew what she is ?  
-Calm down, I just need more info so I can keep her in line. Shit...  
-What ?  
-Did you even read what you printed ?  
-Not all of it, why ?

Allie folded the papers, placing them in her pocket, smiling widely at Jake, before turning her heels and walking away.

* * * * *

-Please, sit down Linda.

The blonde looked at Bridget and Vera suspiciously before sitting down in one of the chairs.

-What is this about ?  
-Linda, we have questions left unanswered, and we think that maybe, you have the answer to them.  
-Well, that'd be a first.  
-Now, you told Alice about Joan's hanging.  
-Hum... Yes...  
-And you were the Officer on duty with Ferguson most of the time, is that correct ?  
-I wasn't that present with her...  
-That's not the point.

Bridget glanced at Vera before looking back Linda who seemed to grow uneasy.

-What's your point then ?  
-Linda did you hear anything about Joan being injured after she had her shower, when she came back into general.

Linda gulped and tried to remain neutral, wouldn't it be for the slightest twitch at the corner of her lips.

-Hum, no, not that I know of.  
-How did Gambaro and her boys learn about her shower Linda.  
-Vera !  
-I don't know ! I don't...  
-You were the Officer on duty that day. I saw on the CCTV Gambaro and her boys arriving after everyone. And then Smith. Do you happen to know about that ?

Linda stayed silent, fidgeting with her fingers, before looking up.

-I don't know what you're talking about.  
-Alright everybody, please, calm down..  
-Linda. You were the Officer on duty. You were standing by her cell. I want to know why Smith arrived after everyone, and also why Gambaro and her boys did as well !  
-I can't tell.  
-Vera, maybe..  
-No ! Don't ! You have no idea how I felt when I saw her during the strip search !

Linda got startled by the outburst and leaned back on her seat, while Bridget's lips parted. Vera felt the tears come up again, and she wielded them down.

-She looked battered. I fell more than once when I was a kid and got beaten more than once as well. I know all about bruises, but that. That was more than just bruises, considering where they were situated ! They raped her !

The room was filled with a dreadful silence, the sound of their breathing barely perceptible.

-They raped her, and she didn't let me help. She didn't do this to herself, they wanted to hurt her. Now Linda, I want the truth ! I want you to tell me what happened ! Now !  
-I had no idea it was Gambaro and her boys !

Bridget turned to Linda her eyes wide, sitting down next to her, looking up at Vera.

-I didn't know it was them ! I was moving the cameras !  
-Why would you move the cameras, inquired Bridget.  
-Because she asked Bea to bash her ! She was never supposed to get... My god ! It's my fault, if I had paid more attention !  
-How did they know she was supposed to have a shower.  
-I don't know, I promise ! I didn't tell anyone ! I was just supposed to get her to the shower block, change the cameras, and get her back !  
-Why would she ask Bea to bash her ?  
-Kaz Proctor.  
-What's Kaz got to do with this ?  
-After she got... Ganged. Kaz Proctor and the Red Right Hand protected her. They stand against violence made against women... I'm sorry Vera... I fucked up ! I know I did !  
-Why didn't you come and tell me ?!  
-I don't... I didn't want to lose my job, and I knew she would deny it.  
-If you had said something I could have had her moved into protection !  
-Alright, stop. Everyone.

Vera glanced at Bridget before sitting back down on her chair, holding her head between her hands.

-I'll have to tell Alice...  
-What, why ?!  
-Vera are you sure that's wise, considering... You know...  
-She has a right to know. Thank you, Linda.

The blonde stood up practically running, she left the office and Bridget turned to face Vera.

-Well, congratulation, she said sarcastically.  
-Don't.  
-No, you listen to me Vera, you can't go on reacting like that. What just happened with Linda can't happen again. Imagine if Will or Jake say something about her you disagree with. Is that how you're going to react ?  
-No, it's not. But we needed to know. And I know that you wanted to know just as much as me, at least now we're fixed.  
-Quite frankly I wish I didn't know...

Bridget sat down on one of the chairs, rubbing the bridge of her nose.

-Are you going to tell Franky ?  
-I don't know what I'll tell her, I'll... I'll just see what comes up.  
-I wouldn't tell her everything if I were you.  
-I wouldn't dream of doing that, she'd go frantic.  
-I know but it's not the reason.  
-What is it then ?  
-We both know Joan and Franky weren't close, they despised each other. They haven't seen each other in a long time and Franky was the one who started the Kangaroo court with Kaz.  
-Right... I'll just, yeah... I can't guarantee she won't ask questions.  
-I know, I know. I'm... I'm supposed to go to Alice's this weekend.  
-So ?  
-Maybe you could tag along.  
-Is Alice aware of this ? Would she be okay with it ?  
-I think they both know it's going to have to happen at some point, better get over with it.

* * * * *

Bridget walked in, closing the door behind her. She hanged her coat on the rack and took off her shoes, hearing steps coming from behind her.

-Hey...  
-Hey.  
-How was work ?  
-It's Wentworth, what do you expect ?  
-I guess it'll never be calm for more than five minutes.  
-Yeah... Franky there is, I need a drink.  
-Wow, what happened this time ? I mean, what did they do ?  
-Joan, she's back.

Bridget felt Franky's hands stop on her waist, she felt Franky turn her and their eyes met.

-What ?!  
-Joan's back.  
-In Wentworth ?!  
-No, no... She was at Vera's...  
-When ?!  
-During the night.  
-Are they okay ?! What about baby Grace ?! Did she hurt them ?!  
-They're fine, Alice was there she handled the situation.  
-I'll go fetch the bottle.

Bridget scoffed, glancing at Franky going towards the kitchen, she looked down and went into the living room, sitting down on the couch. She saw Franky emerge a bottle in hand and saw her sitting by her side.

-Cheers Gidge.  
-Cheers, Franky.

Bridget drank from the bottle before passing it to Franky.

-What happened ?  
-She tried to correct things, or at least some part of her wanted that.  
-What's that supposed to mean ?  
-Remember how you were behind the bars ?  
-Yep.  
-Did you ever feel yourself battling between what you had to do and what you wanted to do ?  
-Hum, yeah, like almost everyone.  
-Picture that but amplified, that's what happened.  
-Was someone hurt ?  
-Joan was.  
-What ?  
-Alice knocked her out, it's a long story...  
-What can you tell me ? I mean, why would she go after Grace ?  
-I told you, to correct it.  
-Gidge, I don't know what you mean by it.  
-Jake dated Vera because of Joan, and she felt like it was her fault that Vera was pregnant with Grace when she clearly didn't make that choice in full knowledge of the incomes and outcomes.  
-It was her fault ? Oh gosh !  
-Franky nothing happened, everyone is fine.  
-Did you talk to them ?  
-I spoke to Vera, Alice is at her place with Joan.  
-You mean Ferguson is staying with her right now ?  
-Yes, she is, and we cannot tell anyone.

Franky nodded softly, bringing the bottle to her lips, turning her head toward Bridget, determined.

-We have to go there Gidge. We need to be sure.  
-I know, Vera said the same, well, nearly the same.  
-When can we go ?  
-Vera is going to go there during the weekend, she thought it would be better if we were to go there together.  
-Hum, isn't it going to be overwhelming ?  
-Are you starting to care about her ?  
-No, of course not ! I just wouldn't want to be faced like that by people with whom I had feuds in the past.  
-Seems like caring if you ask me, Bridget hears Franky scoff and placed her hand on her girlfriend's, Vera seemed to say that Alice and Joan know, and agreed, the sooner it's done the better it is.  
-So...  
-Yes...  
-Well, it's going to be interesting, to say the least.

Franky drank from the bottle, passing it to Bridget who seemed lost in her thoughts, thinking about Vera's words, ringing in her ears. Hopefully, they were not going to regret it.

* * * * *

Alice was laying down on the couch, Joan resting on top of her, fidgeting with Alice's hand, while the other was in her hair twirling silvery strands. They had spent their day being unproductive which was rather unusual for them, but it was something they had needed. Joan could feel _her_ simmering beneath the surface, yet, whenever Alice's hand stroked her ebony locks, she could feel herself and _her_ purr in satisfaction. They had much to talk about, but they were in no rush, not only that, but Alice could fathom the fact it'd be hard for Joan to mention. They heard the sound of a car parking and stirred themselves, glancing at each other. They heard keys, and the door opened letting in Alex and Frannie. The younger girl placed her shoes next to her mother's and stopped in her track, her brows furrowed, she peeked inside the living room and her shock slowly taking place.

-Mom, you're home ?

Joan's breath got stuck at the back of her throat and she sat down, her back straight, her eyes staring at the girl in the entrance. Alex had placed Frannie's school bag next to her shoes and glanced at Alice who stayed silent, looking at the scene unfolding before her eyes. Joan was looking at the girl, her eyes studying her, the resemblance hitting her in the guts. No wonder why Will and Jake thought they had seen a ghost.

-Mama ?

Joan felt tears build up in her eyes, guilt, and pain washing over her, the memories taking over without her being able to control them. From the moment she was born to her first steps, her first word, to when she made them leave. She felt her heart shatter in her chest, realizing how much she missed, how much she had missed her. At the time she had thought it'd be better for the two of them, but now, she realized maybe it was because she didn't want for them to see what she was going to do. What she planned on doing. Because inside she knew Alice would have stuck by her and lectured her. Every day if she had had to.

" _-You cannot let your guard down. They'll leave you and you know it. She'll learn what you've done and she'll be scared of you. We cannoT afford to get hurt again._ "

Frannie had started walking toward the couch, her eyes studying the woman in from of her as well, she had looked at the pictures too many times for her not to be able to recognize her. She finally stood in front of her and latched her arms around her neck, surprising Joan. Alice was about to reprimand her when she saw Joan wrap her arms around Frannie, making her sit on her laps. She saw tears going down her alabaster skin and saw her daughter's own tears.

-Vy deystvitel'no zdes'?(Are you really here ?)

Joan nodded, studying the girl's face from up close, she pushed a tuft of ebony hair behind her ear, and hugged her tightly, feeling her return her hug, bringing more tears in her eyes.

-YA skuchal po tebe.( I've missed you.)  
-YA budu idti vpered i prigotovit' uzhin.(I'll go ahead and prepare dinner.)

Joan turned her head to look at Alex her lips parted, her brows furrowed, glancing back at Alice.

-On govorit na russkom?(He speaks Russian ?)  
-Eto dvoyurodnyy brat Mom, on rodilsya v Rossii.(It's Mom's cousin, he was born in Russia.)

Joan glanced at her daughter and felt her play with a strand of her hair, expecting to grow uneasy at the gesture but it never came. She saw her twirl the white strand of hair merging it with her own dark hair.

-My pokhozhi ! Smotri Mom!(We look alike ! Look Mom !)

Frannie placed her face next to Joan's and Alice nodded, looking at the older woman.

-Kak mat' kak doch'. Vy tak zhe krasiva, kak ona yest'.(Like Mother like daughter. You're just as beautiful as she is.)

Joan blushed and heard the girl laugh before glancing at her, her head tilted.

-Vy sobirayetes' pokinut' snova ?( Are you going to leave again ?)

The older woman felt her heart break in front of such innocence and wiped tears away from their cheeks, bringing her daughter to rest her head on her chest, letting Frannie listen to her heartbeat, wielding the Governor at the far back of her mind as much as she could.

-Net, ya nikuda ne poydu.(No. I'm not going anywhere.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are coming to place in and outside Wentworth ! Will Allie, Jake and Will be a problem in the future ? How is the reunion going to go ? How will Alice react to knowing what happened to Joan in the showers ?  
> Stay tuned to know more !
> 
> (I don't know about you guys, but even though I know Wentworth will also be airing next year, knowing the cast stopped filming for good saddened me, and the pics don't help ahah!!)
> 
> Don't hesitate to leave kudos if you liked it, or even comments, since I'd like to have your feedback !


	26. Chapter 26

-Did you mean it ?

Joan turned away from the mirror to look at Alice who was putting on her sleeveless shirt.

-Meant what ?  
-That you wouldn't leave again.

Alice had sat on the edge of her bed, looking up at the older woman, seeing her stop in her track, the brush halfway through her hair. Joan resumed what she was doing, avoiding Alice's eyes.

-Alright. What happened to you then ? All of it. Since you do not wish to tell me whether you lied to our daughter or not.

Joan put the brush down, making the vanity shake, shutting Alice. She turned to face her and brown eyes stared into caramel ones.

-Do you think I wanted to lie to her ??  
-So I was right.  
-I cannot stay here, how many times will I have to tell you.  
-And I'm telling you, you can stay, I want for you to stay.  
-The only way I could stay with you and Frannie would be if we left the country. I... I cannot ask that of you, I cannot ask for anything from you... I... I lost that right a long time ago...  
-Would you want that ? For us to leave and start over ?

Alice saw Joan part her lips, her eyes displaying signs of hope, yet, something clouded that bright light.

-You cannot mean that.  
-Why not ?  
-You just came back, you have a new job. Frannie just started in a new school. And you'd have to explain to Mister Jackson why you would have to leave so quickly. There are too many variables.  
-Anything else ?

Joan swallowed the lump which had formed in her throat, glancing down, she stared into Alice's eyes and brushed a tuft of hair away from her face.

-I don't want to hurt you, or Frannie.  
-You won't hurt us.  
-How would you know ? After what I've done. After what I've nearly done...  
-Nearly doesn't mean it happened. You did not hurt Grace. She wanted to, she is part of the problem.  
-But I've hurt the others, solely to serve my goals.  
-That is... Unfortunate.  
-It's sick, Vera was right. All I've done doesn't make me powerful. It makes me sick.  
-Maybe, but does that mean you cannot learn from it ?

Alice had gotten on her feet and started walking towards Joan, her eyes never leaving the older woman's. She stopped when she was merely a few centimeters away, her chin lifted.

-It's not because you've done bad things that you have to suffer for it all your life. You have to learn from it. Like me.  
-If I'm caught I'll spend the rest of my life in Wentworth.  
-How long did you get ?  
-I was never sentenced for Bea Smith, I was to stand trial but things... got in the way.  
-And the other charges ? I thought they were dropped when Jesper died.  
-It's complicated.

Alice sighed, closing her eyes, resting her forehead on Joan's chest. She tilted her head slightly, her ear catching a glimpse of Joan's heartbeat, her lips curling in a smile.

-What is it ?  
-It's comforting.  
-What is ?  
-To hear your heart beating within your chest. That is what's comforting to me. Knowing what Vera told me.

Alice stepped aside and sat down on her bed again, her arms resting on her thighs. Joan turned to look at the younger woman her brows furrowed, her lips twisting upside down.

-What did she tell you ?

Alice looked up, judging her, seeing her nostrils flared.

-Even I helped, back at Blackmoore with my psychopathy. I helped you and the screws despite that and the fact that I didn't care about most everyone there.  
-What are you talking about ?  
-She told me about the riot.

Joan scoffed, dropping her arms on her sides, an incredulous look on her face.

" _-See ? It will always be your faulT._ "  
-Hasn't she gotten over it by now ? Snarled Joan, trying to make abstraction of the Governor.  
-It's not something Vera can get over like that.  
-Well, maybe she should.  
-Listen to yourself. You claimed to care when you went at Vera's, you regretted it.  
-It was not my fault. I didn't do anything !  
-You know very well Vera doesn't see things like us, she doesn't feel things like us.  
-Yes and ?

Alice's eyes widened as she stood up, walking towards the older woman.

-Joan.  
-What ?  
-Do you hear yourself ?

Joan lifted her chin, her eyes locked into Alice's, she gulped when she saw the baffled look on Alice's face and lowered her gaze to the floor, feeling her creeping at the back of her head.

-Joan, do you hear yourself ?  
-Don't patronize me.  
-I'm not patronizing you. I'm telling you that this, whatever it is, is wrong.  
-What would you know ? You weren't there, were you ?  
-Look who's patronizing who now ? Want to know what I know ?  
-Yeah, maybe I want to know !  
-Alright, Vera said you got her drunk to get information about Will and someone called Fletcher.  
-Oh god..  
-Let me finish. You used her. Then you let her down during the riot.  
-I did not !  
-In her mind you did.  
-I cannot be held accountable for how she reacted.  
-No. You're right. But you are responsible for saying no.

Joan opened and closed her mouth repeatedly, looking at Alice.

" _-What did I tell you ? They'll never accept us for who we are._ "  
-I wasn't responsible for her Hepatitis C.  
-That is not the point. You told these prisoners you were not going to open the door.  
-I could not negotiate with them. If I had not made that decision they would have used her again ! They could have shiv her !  
-I know ! I understand why you did it and I agree !!  
-Wh... What ?

Alice walked towards Joan, she took her hands in hers, bringing the older woman closer.

-I know why you did it, I know why you couldn't comply. And I know why you thought it was the right course of action.

A tear fell down Joan's cheek and Alice wiped it away with her thumb. More tears fell and Joan lowered her head, her jaw tensing.

-You did what you thought was right, with the very little information you had. It's okay to cry.  
-I never wanted to hurt her... I thought... If I said no... She said...  
-That if you said no, they wouldn't use that syringe. But they did, didn't they ?  
-They gave her Hepatitis C because of me ! They wanted to get to me ! They knew I cared !  
-I know, I know, Vera told me.  
-God, she hates me !

Joan let go of Alice, taking her head between her hands, Alice turned, following her with her eyes.

-She does not hate you, she just needs to understand your point of view. You have to tell her when you're not being threatening that is.  
-I see your ways still haven't changed.  
-One step at a time, I'm not there yet but I'm working on it.  
-You're better than me...  
-You think ? Do I have to remind you what I did ?  
-I know what you did.  
-I don't know what you did.  
-I thought you said..  
-I know what the papers say, what people at Wentworth say. But not your version of what happened.  
-Why would it matter now ?  
-Because I care. I want to know your point of view.  
-I don't deserve your kindness.  
-Maybe, but I'm giving it to you anyway. So, will you tell me ?  
-I don't want for you to hate me...  
-That'll never happen. And you won't lose us again either.

* * * * *

Alice walked past the door of the staff room her clear bag resting on her left shoulder, she looked around and saw Vera seated at the table drinking coffee while Bridget was reading the newspaper. She snuck up on Vera resting her hands on her eyes startling her.

-Wha..  
-Guess who ?  
-Alice !

The petite woman turned toward her friend her eyes wide, drawing Bridget's attention, who let the newspaper rest on the table.

-What are you doing here ?  
-Well I came to work, can't really spend all my time at home now, can I ?  
-Where is Frannie ?

Alice tilted her head, looking at the two friends.

-You left them together ??  
-I have.  
-Do you think it's wise, considering...  
-I think everything will be fine. She was in a good place when I left, she has a phone and knows she can call in case of an emergency.  
-Alice I..  
-What is it Vera ?

Vera put her cup down, sharing a look with Bridget before glancing back at Alice.

-It's just... Are you sure it's a good idea ? Given what happened ?  
-I don't think it's a good idea. I think it's the only one I have. I cannot call someone to come to my house because someone could recognize her. Nor can I not come to work for an extended period of time otherwise I'll have to explain myself to Mister Jackson. It's the best I have given our present predicament. And I firmly believe whether it's Joan or the Governor that neither will hurt Frannie.  
-What if she tries to leave ?  
-That is a possibility.  
-What about the person you called ? Back at my house. Tried Vera.  
-Alex has a job which requires his full concentration, I cannot ask too much of him. He helps me when he is able.  
-So that leaves you with no one. Vera sighed taking a sip of her coffee.  
-Indeed it does.

Alice sat down, brushing a strand of hair away from her face, her eyes meeting Bridget.

-Well, I hope you know what you're doing, concluded the blonde, furrowing her brows slightly.

* * * * *

Joan opened the door, holding her breath. Frannie was downstairs reading a book for school and she thought about wandering in Alice's house, thinking she'd find something interesting. She had gone through each room, recalling things she had long not thought about until she stood in front of the locked door. It served as a storage room even before Alice left, and she had already peaked through it back in the days, but she wasn't' expecting the very few boxes to be replaced by furniture, boxes of books, clothes, decorations. She looked around, taking in her surroundings, her eyes wandering on the space in front of her. She stepped in, closing the door behind herself, turning to face the room and the crushing evidence of a life well-lived. She had missed all of that. And for what ?

She started looking through the boxes, reading their countenance, she kept on for a few minutes before her eyes fell on a large box marked at her name, causing her breath to get stuck at the back of her throat. Joan tried not to knock any box while making her way at the back of the room. When she reached it, she traced her name with her fingers, going higher up the box and struggled to pry it open. When the content of the box was revealed, Joan took a step back, a hand coming to rest on her lips, feeling her eyes well up with tears. The box was filled with clothes, a few books resting between the fabrics to protect them. She saw what looked like an album photo, feeling a tear slide down her cheek as she opened it. It was hers. Her life. Before Corrections happened.

She flipped through the pages and stopped when her eyes met her mother's. She felt another tears make it's way down her cheek and caressed the picture, sadness washing over her. She thought she had lost it years ago, and it had depressed her greatly as it was some of the only mementos she had kept from her former life before Australia. She knew the rest of them were still at her house that she had landed to Shayne, but going there would only cause her trouble, especially if Shayne was still there. She didn't dare to face him after what she had done, and she knew he'd very likely hand her over to the police. She cleared her throat, turning a page, her father's gaze sending a shiver down her spine. He was dressed in his General Uniform, stern and cold. Like he always was.

She closed the album, feeling a growing uneasyness slowy take over her the more she stared at her father's figure. She put it aside and looked through the items in front of her, books she had long not seen. Joan opened the first page, her jaw tensing as she read before closing the book vigorously, placing it down, closing her eyes.

_Revenge is Revenge_

  
_How can I forget about the attitude of my enemies_  
_I must make them understand what I can do in return_  
_Revenge is like a constant humming of all the bees_  
_Do not challenge me less I in return have to discern_  
_What I can do, how can I make my message across_  
_What they can not think I am bound to tell and to play_  
_The game of death the way I feel like on my cross_  
_Letting the beam of light stained with blood like red ray_  
_Do not take me light and do not play but with nerves_  
_I will do take you to the place of no return I assure you_  
_I will inflict the same pain on him which one deserves_  
_And that is my aim and mission through and through_

Joan opened her eyes again, her tongue brushing her bottom teeth, her nostrils flaring. She remembered writing down the poem on a very rainy and dark evening, evening during which she had been haunted by the image of Jianna in her arms. Only fuelling her raging desire to make the guilty pay. How many things had gone down the hill ever since that night ? Would she still had followed through with her plan if she knew how much damage she'd cause ? How much would be inflicted upon herself to avenge the dead woman ? All the anger that had fueled her all these years seemed so far away now, like a distant thought... She wielded the Governor down as she felt her starting to creep at the back of her body, she didn't need her, _she did not_. Joan moved some shirts aside finding more and more books she used to read until a black leather-covered journal caught her eyes. She took it and inspected it, knowing full well what was in it. She took a deep breath and opened the journal on the first page, feeling her jaw tensing.

_ A Poem for Those Who are Hurting : _

_For Children Who Were Broken_  
_it is very hard to mend......_

_Our pain was rarely spoken_  
_and we hid the truth from friends._

_Our parents said they loved us,_  
_but they didn't act that way._  
_They broke our hearts_  
_and stole our worth,_  
_with the things that they would say._

_We wanted them to love us._  
_We didn't know what we did_  
_to make them yell at us_  
_and hit us,_  
_and wish we weren't their kid._

_They'd beat us up and scream at us_  
_and blame us for their lives._  
_Then they'd hold us close inside their arms_  
_and tell us confusing lies_  
_of how they really loved us --_  
_even though we were BAD,_  
_and how it was OUR fault they hit us,_  
_OUR fault that they were mad._

_When days were just beginning_  
_we sometimes prayed for them to end,_  
_and when the pain kept coming,_  
_we learned to just pretend_  
_that we were good_  
_and so were they_  
_and this was just_  
_on of those days ..._  
_tomorrow we'd be friends._

_We had to believe it so._  
_We had nowhere else to go._

_Each day that we pretended,_  
_we replaced reality_  
_with lies, or dreams,_  
_or angry schemes,_  
_in search of dignity ...._  
_until our lies_  
_got bigger than the truth,_  
_and we had no one real to be_

_Our bodies were forsaken._  
_With no safe place to hide,_  
_we learned to stop_  
_hearing and feeling what they did to our outsides._

_We tried to make them love us,_  
_till we hated ourselves instead,_  
_and couldn't see a way out,_  
_and wished that they were dead._  
_We scared ourselves by thinking that,_  
_and scared ourselves to know,_  
_that we were acting just like them --_  
_and might ever more be so._

_To be half the size of a grown-up_  
_and trapped inside their pain...._  
_To every day lose everything_  
_with no savior or refrain..._  
_To wonder how it is possible_  
_that God could so forget_  
_the worthy child you knew you were,_  
_when you had not been damaged yet ..._  
_To figure on your fingers_  
_that the years till you'd be grown_  
_enough to leave the torment_  
_and survive away from home,_  
_were more than you could count to,_  
_or more than you could bear,_  
_was the reality we lived in_  
_and we knew it wasn't fair._

_We who grew up broken_  
_are somewhat out of time,_  
_struggling to mend our childhood,_  
_when our peers are in their prime._  
_Where others find love_  
_and contentment,_  
_we still often have to strive_  
_to remember we are worthy,_  
_and heroes just to be alive._

_Some of us are healing._  
_some are stealing._  
_Most are passing the anger on._  
_Some give their lives away to drugs,_  
_or the promise of like beyond._  
_Some still hide from society._  
_Some struggle to belong._  
_But all of us are wishing_  
_the past would not hold on_  
_so long._

_There's a lot of digging sown to do_  
_to find the child within,_  
_to love away the ugly pain_  
_and feel innocence again._  
_There is forgiveness_  
_worthy of angel's wings_  
_for remembering those at all,_  
_who abused our sacred childhood_  
_and programmed us to fall._  
_To seek to understand them,_  
_and how their pain became our own,_  
_is to risk the ground we stand on_  
_to climb the mountain home._

_The journey is not so lonely_  
_as in the past it s been ..._  
_More of us are strong enough_  
_to let the growth begin._  
_But while we're trekking_  
_up the mountain_  
_we need everything we've got,_  
_to face the adults we have become,_  
_and all that we are not._

_So when you see us weary_  
_from the day's internal climb ..._  
_When we find fault_  
_with your best efforts,_  
_or treat imperfection_  
_as purposeful crime ..._  
_When you see our quick defenses,_  
_our efforts to control,_  
_our readiness to form a plan_  
_of unrealistic goals ..._  
_When we run into a conflict_  
_and fight to the bitter end,_  
_remember ..._  
_We think that winning means_  
_we won't be hurt again._

_When we abandon OUR thoughts_  
_and feelings,_  
_to be what we believe YOU_  
_want us to,_  
_or look at trouble we re having,_  
_and want to blame it all on you..._  
_When life calls for new beginnings,_  
_and we fear they re doomed to end,_  
_remember..._  
_Wounded trust is like a wounded knee--_  
_It is very hard to bend._

_Please remember this_  
_when we are out of sorts._  
_Tell us the truth, and be our friend._  
_For children who were broken..._  
_it is very hard to mend._

She had seen the poem in the bookstore in which she met Alice years after her release, the words had touched her so deeply she thought she might cry in the spot. She hadn't hesitated to write it down, for her to keep. And later for Alice to read, for her to understand when words were failing Joan. She did not remember much from her childhood surprisingly enough, but it had been enough to understand where the root cause of her "deficit" came from. She was too young when her mother was nowhere to be found, and her father had never told her where nor what happened. She knew there were very little chances for her to know now since they were both most likely dead. But even that did nothing to the pain and the scare she'd experience as a kid. The punishments if things were not done as instructed, if her room was a mess, if she did not stand up to her father's standards. She remembered having been hit more than once, but slowly learned to make abstraction of the pain, because she had to learn, to be good enough, to be emotionless. How he coddled her after he'd punish her, how he would tell her it was for her he was doing that...

_Ghosts._

_Who is this ghost in the corner of my eye?_  
_I've seen that ambiguous shape before._  
_Was it in a nightmare?_  
_Or from a repressed memory?_  
_I can't shake this feeling that I've seen this ghost before.._  
_I want to meet this ghost.._  
_But I'm worried of what secrets the ghost holds._  
_It's concealed itself in the dark abyss.._  
_This dark abyss is beckoning to me.._  
_It feels so warm against my skin.._

_Ghosts of my pasts._

Joan remembered the first time she had seen the Governor outside of herself. It was after Jianna had died, when she was at one of the lowest points in her life, she was the one who took over and ruled with iron fists, helping to fix Blackmoore. Her father had appeared so much earlier on. Not so long after she had ended his life, for the greater good. For her greater good. Even if it was an accident, something had changed within her that night. She felt more in control, empowered like she was a different person. Maybe she had been given all she had learned about herself later on in her life. More things had started to make sense after she met Alice and had started working with her, even if her father kept on haunting her daily, especially when heart decisions were involved. She was glad she was only hearing him now, well, she had not heard him in what felt like a long time and thought it was proof her sanity but whenever he came to her, she felt both a sense of relief and fright. She knew she had loved him, that she had believed him when he had told her all he was doing was because he cared. Perhaps in his own way he did, own sick and twisted ways. Just like the Governor. She knew there were things she didn't tell her, why ? She had no idea yet, but she sensed something dark lurking behind her eyes whenever she had asked.  
Protector. Persecutor. What had made her switch roles, why had she done all of it ? She never told her, never granted her the possibility to know.

_Misjudged Insanity_

_It is in my blood_  
_I can feel its presence_  
_When it’s on the verge_  
_To emit a surge, every time my heart beats_

_An impulse,_  
_Scurrying it’s way through the crevasses of my brain._  
_Tainting the walls of grey matter with a tendency for unpredictability,_  
_Out of my reach._

_I hate it_  
_I don’t want it_  
_I never asked for this_

_I can’t slow my mind down_  
_Thoughts so fast, hit me with whiplash_  
_It’s insanity._

_No._

_I’m not insane_  
_I can’t be_  
_I’m rationale_

_I think about how I think about things,_  
_Like it’s a cycle that never stops.._

_Which I guess could be my downfall_  
_My vision says it all_  
_When thoughts travel my mind_  
_In dark tunnels at times_  
_My eyes blind to the surroundings_

_Tunnel vision that make you claustrophobic;_  
_You feel trapped_  
_When all you see at the end of the tunnel,_  
_Is the darkness of insanity_

_But.._  
_I’m rationale_

_I acknowledge I have a tendency to be blind to my surroundings,_  
_How can I be blind if I can clearly see?_  
_Is life objective or subjective?_  
_I just want to understand--_

_You're stupid —_  
_What was that?_  
_Felt like a surge, on the attack_  
_An impulse_

_That voice_  
_That’s it._

_Unpredictability_

_That lies,_  
_In my brain waiting to be brought to the surface_  
_With the surge of an impulse._  
_It’s the insanity that taints me,_  
_From seeing what really is_

_I’m not stupid, I’m a learner._

_Granted with the gift of analysis,_  
_But darkened by the cruel nature of impulse_  
_To taint my minds innocence_

_I'm not scared to think about it anymore_

_I am insane, because it’s what you make of it._  
_Insanity grants me with the gift of perspective,_  
_Throwing a million different ones my way_  
_Ones that are positive and ones that are new_  
_Traveling at hundreds of miles_  
_And this even includes_

_All the negative perspectives as well_

_At the times when I don’t want to hear them._

_Insanity must be embraced and never repressed._  
_Repression tells you no don’t do that, it’s wrong._  
_When insanity isn’t embraced, it is feared._  
_When something that’s inevitable is feared_  
_You’re no longer insane,_

_You’ve completely lost it._

She had been called many things in their time, insane was definitely one of them. A monster, an aberration, an anomaly. A Freak.  
She could remember being called that at Blackmoore after Jianna had died, yet, they had also begun to fear her wrath, which gave her more room to act freely.  
Psychopath.  
That one had hurt particularly deeply. She could still remember the word ringing in her hear after Miss Westfall had uttered it to her face. Clearly aiming it at her. Causing her to worry, to question herself. To question Alice's judgment and professional approach. She didn't want to believe it, but a part of her was scared it could be the case. Then again if she was afraid it could be the case and if she questioned herself she couldn't be. She couldn't remember all that Alice had told her, but she did remember that fact. And she felt foolish for believing them when they told her she had no empathy, that she was a Psychopath. They both felt angry at the foolishness. If she had been, everyone within the walls of Wentworth would have been too. Given everybody's predicament to lie and manipulate to get what they want. To think of themselves first and care little for other people's feelings. She knew the Governor could have been most likely the Psychopath, yet when Alice told her she could be a Sociopath at most, it had ended her somehow. Joan liked things done her way, and orders to be followed, as well as order within one's home, but the OCD both her and the Governor shared had taken one step over the mark. Adding that to the already controlling dark figure lurking around in the shadow aiming to scare the shit out of everyone as she remembered phrasing it. The things she had made her do, albeit some with Joan's consent and understanding of the situation. There were too many for Joan to forgive herself.

_The past is the past for a reason._  
_That is where it is supposed to stay,_  
_But some cannot let it go._  
_In their heads it eats away_

_Until all their focus becomes_  
_The person they used to be,_  
_The mistakes they made in their life._  
_Oh, if only they could see_

_That you cannot change what happened,_  
_No matter how hard you try,_  
_No matter how much you think about it,_  
_No matter how much you cry._

_What happens in your lifetime_  
_Happens for reasons unknown,_  
_So you have to let the cards unfold._  
_Let your story be shown._

_Don't get wrapped up in the negative._  
_Be happy with what you have been given._  
_Live for today not tomorrow._  
_Get up, get out, and start living,_

_Because the past is the past for a reason._  
_It's been, and now it is gone,_  
_So stop trying to think of ways to fix it._  
_It's done, it's unchangeable; move on._

Too many things for her to forget, too many to be forgiven. All that she's done was now marked in history, inbred in people's minds, read in the newspapers, watched on TV. She couldn't escape from the ever-present memories of past actions. Alice might have told her it'd be alright, that it would one day fade, but she knew it probably wouldn't happen from her living. Vera, well... She was the one she'd hurt the most and she still had found in her heart the strength not to turn her over, to talk to her. Part of it was because she had accepted her part of darkness, the part she so often tried to deny even when she was confronted with it. Part she had often associated with Joan and pinned onto her, letting her take the blame, as to not bruise her appearance.  
But even knowing that, what was done was done, and there was no going back. No nightmare to wake up from, no possibility to turn back time and try again to get it right. All the wasted time, well... Not wasted, but used for revenge had at least served at something, making her realize how she couldn't bear this life anymore, couldn't bear the hurt and pain searing through her soul upon knowing that dreadful fact.

_ My Mistakes _

_By all means_  
_Let me be._

_Can I have one day… one night_  
_Without bashing?_  
_On my mistakes… my mistakes_  
_Oh god, my mistakes._  
_It’s difficult being happy_  
_With constant argument_  
_Over the past._

_I know what happened,_  
_I don’t need a daily reminder._  
_Can we be happy again?_  
_Can we be at peace again?_

_My mistakes… my mistakes_  
_Oh god, my mistakes._  
_The cause of frustration,_  
_Shed tears, and anger._

_My mistakes… my mistakes_  
_Oh god, my mistakes._  
_Let’s move on from my mistakes_  
_It’s difficult to be happy_  
_With constant argument_  
_Over the past._  
_Can we be happy again?_  
_Can we be at peace again?_

The more she was thinking about it, the sicker she was getting. They had done awful things for personal gain, for revenge, for betrayal. She knew deep down she wasn't like that, that she had let herself be consumed by her pain, her hatred, the memories and her fears. How she had refused to see the truth, out of fear of realizing what she was doing had been for nothing, against the wrong person, that seeking revenge was never going to bring her back. All they had done, and for what ? All the pain, hurt, drugs, bullying, anger, physical harm. Had it really been worth it ?  
She had tried to change back when she started her _crusade_ at Blackmoore. She had done so many progress, she was hardly seeing them anymore and had learned so much, felt so much more peaceful. Yet a trinket brought her back years ago, to when she had discovered her body hanging from the strairway. And they drove them away.  
She had tried after the fire when she was sent into the psychiatric facility. She had genuinely believed this could be her salvation, how wrong she was. She had been played. And had had to get out of there even if she recoilled at the very thought. How she had taken over during that moment, but that did not prevent Joan from remembering what had happened. It had felt like seeing herself out of her body, and the sight almost made her throw up.  
The Governor had both coddled and tormented her, just like her father used to do. Between the physical pain she inflicted on her already scarred skin, to the incessant muttering, to taking over before a burn out occured, which would have left both of them lying on whatever surface they were standing, contemplating the ever so white ceiling. Alone so to speak, with her thoughts and regrets. With the many scenarios she kept replaying in her head, of all the possible outcome of things past and to come. But it never soothed her. All it succeeded to do was leaving her with a bitter taste in her mouth. How she wished people could try to see what had happened to her, regardless of weakness, regardless of mistakes. See her for who she really was, how much she had tried and failed times and times again, yet still rose back up again, regardless of the pain. Back then her revenge kept eher going, but she wasn't sure that now without that anger fuiling her she'd be able to stand much longer.

_Mistakes_

_Mistakes can cause great troubles_  
_Mistakes can lead to your downfall_  
_Mistakes can take away the most dearest things to your heart_  
_Mistakes can make you depressed_  
_Mistakes can make you unlucky to others_  
_Mistakes can cause pain to your loved ones_

_But mistakes are done inadvertently_  
_So, can't mistakes be corrected?_  
_Can't mistakes be forgiven?_  
_Can't mistakes be forgotten?_

_I believe that life always gives a second chance to_  
_those who ask for it earnestly._  
_I asked life for a second chance so that my mistakes can be corrected, forgiven and forgotten._

She loathed the past years of her life. From her time as homeless to prisoner, patient, Governor. She hated it all. And she did not want for the rest of her life to be that way. She couldn't. Not anymore. She knew what to do in the long run, even if it meant putting herself in danger. She knew what had to be done, and she'd have plenty of time to think about it, to talk to her, plan it with her. Hopefully, this would be enough, or at least she hoped so.  
She closed the journal, cheeks wet with tears she had long held inside of her, closing the box, taking a few steps back, her eyes unable to divert from the part of her she had left here. After a few minutes, she breathed out, rubbing her cheeks dry, turning away from her past, leaving the room, locking it behind her once again.  
She climbed down the stairs, her feet bringing her to the living room where her daughter was still reading, marking down sentences or words once in a while, her brows furrowed, concentration written all over her face. She kept glancing at her even when she turned to meet her eyes, sensing someone watching her. Frannie closed her book mirroring Joan's actions and smiled at her mother who had started walking towards her. She sat down next to her brushing a tuft of ebony hair away from her face while Frannie opened her book again leaning into Joan's embrace so they could both read, though Joan used that time feel the beating heart and softness of the girl she had birthed. How the past hour came back in her mind, the life they had without her, because of them. And how she vowed to never let that happen again. She vowed to get better. For her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the weekly chapter which I almost didn't post because I just finished writing it the moment I had to post it !  
> Truth is, these last few days have been rough, and I am sort of being schedules on the upcoming chapter, but I'll do my best to update in time as it's a challenge for me, and as you guys probably want to know where the story will go !
> 
> I loved writing this chapter and I hope you'll enjoy reading it !
> 
> I did not write the poems featured in this chapter, I found them there :
> 
> https://hellopoetry.com/words/revenge/  
> http://munkirsd.tripod.com/csapoem.html  
> https://hellopoetry.com/words/repressed/  
> http://munkirsd.tripod.com/csapoem.html  
> https://hellopoetry.com/words/mistakes/  
> https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/changing-the-past


	27. Chapter 27

Vera was seated behind her desk, filling up forms, when she heard knocks on her door.

-Enter.  
-Vera.

The petite woman looked up her eyes falling on Jake, furrowing her brows.

-Jake ? Is there something wrong ?  
-We need to talk.  
-Alright. What about ?

Vera placed the forms on her desk, playing with Joan's pen, her eyes fixed on the man.

-I don't know how to say this..  
-Jake, just say it, what could be so bad that you cannot say it simply ?  
-It's about Alice.

Vera sighed, displeased.

-No listen, listen. She's hidden things from us.

She exhaled sharply, staring at Jake, still toying with the pen before glancing at the door.

-Close the door.

Jake did as he was told before stepping back near Vera's wooden desk, his hands resting on his hips, glancing at her.

-So ? Started Vera.  
-Right, okay. I know you believe her, but let me explain, alright ?  
-Okay.

Jake nodded before starting to pace up and down in the middle of Vera's office causing her brows to furrow.

-Will you hurry up ? We both have work to do, Jake ?  
-I know, you won't like it, but..  
-What did you do this time ?  
-Let me finish, please !

Startled, Vera stared at the man in front of her, her eyes wide with surprise at the sudden rise of his voice, causing her to lose her grip on the pen.

-Wha... What on earth was that for ??  
-Alice.  
-What about her ?  
-She kept seeing Ferguson after Wentworth. For years. I have proof.

Upon realizing what Jake implied, Vera felt like she had just taken a cold shower. Except that Jake wrongly interpreted the look on her face, nodding, staring at her.

-I don't know why yet but... They were in contact for a long time before Alice left.  
-What does this have to do to with anything ?  
-She covered for Ferguson back at Blackmoore. An inmate was injured.  
-What ?  
-Yeah, Alice took a fall for her. She pretended to be the one to bash the inmate. I don't know why she did it, but she did Vera.

Vera's lips were parted, trying to make sense of what Jake was telling her, trying to find the relevance of these informations. Her head slightly tilted to the right she stared at Jake, taking back the pen between her fingers.

-I don't understand how that is supposed to concern us. It was over six years ago Jake, she added incredulously.  
-Vera, don't you find that weird the detectives never came forward about the body found in the box ?  
-Maybe they're just searching who is it.  
-Vera, it's been months !  
-Keep your voice down. How come you know about this anyway ??

At this Jake looked down, stopping in front of Vera's desk, barely meeting her eyes.

-I might have tried to see what I could find on her. It makes perfect sense.  
-I'm afraid it only does to you.  
-They got together, repeatedly. Suddenly she arrives at Wentworth, and we never heard of the detectives nor the results. Plus she's working with cops, Vera. I'm telling you there is something that doesn't fit.  
-Like what Jake ?

Upon seeing the look on Jake's face, Vera swallowed with some difficulty, slowly realizing what Jake was implying, sending a shiver down her spine.

-What if it wasn't Ferguson in that box ? What if Alice helped her ? During all this time ?  
-That's... That's nonsense I called Alice when she was in France and..  
-You don't know if she didn't make trips here before you called her.  
-Who else knows about this, Jake ?  
-Just me. I wanted to be sure.  
-And you're telling me this because ?  
-You have a right to know.

Vera took a deep breath, her brain working like crazy, she'd have to give a call to Alice to warn her about that.

-Well... I must say I'm disappointed but not surprised.  
-Wha... Why ?  
-You've been going behind my back and Alice's, to gain information on her. How's that ?  
-She has been lying to us, Vera !  
-I already knew everything you just told me. She told me all these things herself, Jake.  
-She did ? Why ?  
-Because I asked her. And Jake, I don't care if Joan and Alice spent time together. I don't care if they did so much as to share a bed and more than friendly words. That doesn't concern you nor me. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to feel these forms before lunch.

Jake was staring at Vera in disbelief, her reaction leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. He nodded before heading toward the door, passing through, closing it behind himself. He looked around and started walking in the direction of Will's office, they had to know.  
Vera on the other hand had waited until the door fell shut to take her phone and compose Alice's number. She waited a few seconds before someone picked up.

-Vera ?  
-Joan ?

The brunette furrowed her brows, her heart beating in her chest. She still had to get used to the fact the woman at the other end was indeed alive and well, so to speak.

-Why did you pick up ? What if it hadn't been me calling ?  
-I saw your name on Alice's phone, meaning I knew it was you because you're not using one of the Correctional Centre's phone.  
-Whatever, where is Alice ?  
-Taking a shower. Is there something wrong ?

Vera sighed, rubbing her temples, before staring at Joan's pen.

-Vera ?  
“-Joan who is this ?”  
-It's Vera, she wants to talk to you. Alice will be here shortly.  
-Thanks, how's Frannie ? How is she adjusting ?  
-I hum... I think she's adjusting fine.  
-What about you ?  
-It's... Hard. Tricky. It doesn't matter, I'll man..  
-Yes, it does matter.  
“-I'm coming, tell her to just wait for a second.”  
-I meant it, Joan, I'm not about to do the same mistakes as last time. And it does matter.  
-Thank you, Vera.  
-Okay, I'm here, thank you lyubov'(love). Vera, to what do I owe the pleasure ?  
-I might as well tell you both, put me on speaker.

Kilometers away from Wentworth, Alice shot a side look at the older woman next to her before pressing the button.

-Okay, you're on speaker.  
-Good... I'll just, I'll go straight to the point.  
-Did something happen, Vera ?  
-I had a conversation with Jake.

The couple looked at each other warily, before staring at the phone, unexpectedly, Vera's face popped on the screen of Alice's phone. She switched on her camera so that Vera could see them both, sharing perplexed looks.

-Jake told me things, Alice.  
-About you ?  
-Did he blackmail you ? Inquired Joan.  
-No, none of that.  
-What is it then ?  
-He started digging things about you.  
-What things, Vera ?

Joan glanced expectedly at Vera, feeling Alice take her hand in her, rubbing her thumb on her skin.

-Nothing you didn't tell before, the fact you obviously kept seeing each other after you were released. Also that you covered for Joan at Blackmoore.  
-I don't understand, this is not something he can us against me. Why would he look for it ?  
-He thinks you lied.  
-Lied about what ?  
-He thinks you helped me get out.

Both Alice and Vera stared at Joan, focussed, and surprised.

-Yes... That's what he said. How do you.. Why do I even ask that question after all this time ?

Joan laughed softly, a smile glancing her lips, she glanced at Alice her face turning a bit more serious.

-He kept going on and on about how we have never heard back from the detectives. That you came back, and also that we didn't know what you had done during all these years. He suggested that you might have taken trips here without no one knowing.  
-That's absurd, I was working and I have a daughter to care for. I would have expected more tact from him.  
-He and Mister Jackson, though driven to protect the women of this facility, lack in understanding of the situation. They do not place themselves much at the place of others to understand their predicament.

Vera's jaw went slack, her eye wide, staring at Joan while Alice nodded seemingly unbothered. They both heard a small laugh and turned to face the phone.

-What is it, Vera ?  
-I missed that.

Vera smiled and pointed at Joan through the camera.

-Your... Intake on things. I missed that.

Alice turned her head to Joan seeing a strained smile form on her lips, she saw her look near the couch behind the phone and wrapped an arm around her waist bringing her closer, making Vera squint.

-Is everything alright ?  
-Yes, no one we can't handle.  
-Someone's here ?!  
-We can take care of her, don't worry.

Vera thought for a minute before she understood the double meaning. She nodded looking at the women on the phone.

-Alright. I just wanted to let you know that. And also the fact he will probably go see the detectives.  
-Meaning ?  
-Well, as far as we are concerned, except if my eyes are deceiving me. Joan is next to you, not in that box. And it's been months, though I understand it's not a Tv Show, results shouldn't take more than a week or a month.  
-How long has it been ?  
-Around a year I'd say. We have to be ready for the eventuality that..  
-That Jake and Mister Jackson are going to find out we're alive. Finished Joan.

* * * * *

Joan was laying on the bed, her legs entangled in the sheets, her arms resting close to her chest. Her daughter was at school and Alice had gone to work for the afternoon, and though she understood why, Joan couldn't help but wish she were here right now. She had been laying on the bed for hours now, feeling at peace, daydreaming about her time in this house, in this bed. She had let her mind drift away, memories filling her with warmth, especially has a specific one came back to mind. Joan turned on the bed, her fingers going higher on the pillow, tracing shapes and forms, a soft smile making its way on her lips. She could still feel Alice's breath on her neck, her fingers tracing shapes on her collarbone, her lips meeting her skin, laying trails of burning kisses, leaving her breathless and asking for more. She remembered that evening, vividly, it had happened three months, sixteen days, ten hours, forty-four seconds after she had kissed her during that fateful dinner where she had admitted to killing her father. Joan frowned at that thought and pushed it in the confines of her mind, she knew she'd had to address it further at some point, but she wasn't willing to do so now. Not when such pleasant memory graced her mind, which didn't happen quite as often as she hoped, but still, she was grateful when it did, and today was one of these days. She felt warmth spread through her body as she recalled the event that occurred in that very bed. Joan sighed happily as the memory empowered all others, she remembered how apprehensive she had been, self-conscious though she had been told more than once she had no reason to be, and Alice had made it a habit of reminding her of that fact in more ways than one.

" _-Being repressed would do that to someone._ "   
" _-Stop iT._ "

Joan opened her eyes, surprised at the sudden loud voice emerging from the confines of her own mind. She took deep breaths, trying to let the emotions take over her once more, experiencing the sensations as if she was back there, trying to make abstraction of the other woman trying to come forward. No one, aside from Jianna, had ever been that gentle with her, in every way she could think of. Somehow she wouldn't have associated gentleness with Alice, she knew she had patience given the lengthy sessions they had had over the months prior to them being together. But the gentleness with which she had laid her upon that bed and caused her to come undone, that, no one had ever done. And she had had all the time in the world to try and understand the reason behind it, but still she had asked Alice _why_ , and had been met with so many emotions passing in her eyes that she felt like drowning in them, which had scared greatly, nearly causing her to retreat, and she would have was it not for Alice's understanding and ever reassuring words. Suddenly she felt a sharp pain bloom in her arm, making her wince, she looked down and saw her nails digging in her skin, drawing blood.

" _-I told you to stop._ "

Joan's breath hitched as she let go of her arm, moving quickly as to not have blood dripping on the sheets, going in the direction of the bathroom, seeking the first aid kit, sighing heavily. She cursed in her mind, fidgeting with the opening of the compress, drops of blood tainting the white tiles.

" _-This wouldn't have happened if you had listened to me._"  
-Shut up, shut sup, shut up...

She succeeded to steady her hands enough to get a hold of the compress and sprayed disinfectant on it before gently laying it on her forearm. Joan brushed her hair away from her face, her eyes closed, feeling someone next to her, she needn't opening her eyes to know exactly who it was.

" _-You're weak._"  
-I'm not.  
" _-Letting yourself be distracted by thaT._"  
-Stop it.  
" _-This will be our undoing. They only want to hurT you. Like they always have._"  
-What would you know ? You have hurt them too. It's only fair.

Suddenly the tall figure stood up, hovering, her dark eyes staring at Joan seated on the edge of the bathtub, starting to feel the pain in her arm grow and grow.

" _-I do what I have to do._ "

The Governor gazed sideways at Joan, raising an eyebrow, before standing tall in front of the mirror, inspecting herself. Joan sniffed, though a soft smile made it's way on her lips at the memory refusing to leave her mind. She felt anger rise within her ribcage and glanced at the Governor who flinched, scrunching her brows as her eyes were taking in the sigh reflecting in the mirror.

-Why can't we remember the good things that happened to us ? What's so harmful about them ?  
" _-They'll use this to hurt us._"  
-What if you're wrong ?  
" _-Need I remind you without me we'd be dead._"  
-That doesn't mean you know better.  
" _-Your insubordination is appalling._"  
-That's your fault. If you hadn't..

Joan nearly fell in the bathtub when she saw the Governor in front of her, her face barely centimeters away, a fire burning within her eyes. Her gloved hand near her neck, her fingers tracing the pulsing point.

" _-I am doing this for us. You are as guilty as I am. She snarled._"  
-I never wanted for people to die.  
" _-Are you going to deny your involvemenT ?_"  
-Are you going to deny we could have handled things differently ?  
" _-You and Vera, always afraid of taking the hard decisions. At least Alice isn't afraid of what it means.._"  
-For the greater good ?

A glimpse of a smile appeared on the Governor's lips, she inhaled sharply and straightened up, looking down at Joan.

" _-See ? You understand just fine when you wanT._ "

Suddenly the doorbell rang, stopping the women in their tracks.

" _-I'll go._"  
-No.

The Governor who had started walking towards the door, turned to face the woman still seated.

" _-No ?_"  
-You're not going, I'm going.

At this Joan rose as quickly as she could and left the room, hearing the doorbell ringing yet again. She climbed down the stairs and arrived at the door, peaking through the judas. She exhaled sharply and unlocked the door, feeling the Governor fuming at the back of her mind.

-Alex ?

The man looked pleased to see someone, he took in the sight of the older woman in front of him and his eyes stopped briefly on her wounded forearm, which didn't go unnoticed by her either. But neither said anything.

-Hi ! Is Alice here ?  
-No, she's at Wentworth, what's up ?  
-I just had some things to drop by for our case, do you mind if I..  
-Not at all, please, you know the place.

Alex entered files in his hands, taking off his shoes and placing them on the rack. He smiled softly at Joan and left toward the dining room laying his bag on the surface, placing the files in his hand on the table, spreading the papers to have a better view. Joan glanced at her forearm, moving the compress slightly to try and disinfect all her nail marks, making her wince and hiss.

-Are you alright ?

She looked up and saw that Alex was looking at her visibly concerned.

-It's nothing.

Alex scrunched his brows and nodded, understanding the silent message, turning back to the files spread on the table. Joan looked around before glancing at the man and the files, her curiosity taking the best of her.

-What are you working on ?

Alex beckoned her closer with his hand and Joan walked towards him, stopping at his right, her lips parting when she saw the files, a cold shower running down her spine.

" _-Leave now._"  
-Why do you have these ?  
-I'm working with the police, and I received a call like what someone from that facility, a nurse working there, saw something. The case was passed onto me and I asked Alice if she'd mind helping me out. She is well known at the station so my colleagues didn't mind.  
-Why ?  
-Because these women have no families, no friends, no one. There is no definite age and no one would come and look for them is they were to be missing, nor visit them and see if their health or sanity was to deteriorate. Alice and I share the common thought that someone high in the hierarchy might be overlooking this and turn a blind eye to it.  
" _-I told you noT to stay here._"

Alex took a file from the pile and showed it to the older woman.

-There is your file too.

Joan felt her blood stop and took a step backward. She felt her try to come out on top and wielded her down.

-Who has seen this ?  
-Alice and I, why ?  
-She shouldn't have seen that.  
-Well I didn't have much choice, she snatched it away from me when she saw your name.  
-No. She should not have had it in the first place.  
-Why ? Do you know something ?  
" _-If you won't let me do what I was created to do, I'll force my way ouT._"  
-Don't, don't, don't... Alice is not there and won't be for hours.  
" _-You give me no choice._"

Joan felt anger burst in her chest and bitterness at the back of her throat. She felt her fists clench, her nails digging in the palm of hands, making her wince.

-Are you alright ?  
-I'm fine...  
-I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. We don't have to talk about it if you do not want to.  
-Oh really ? How quaint.  
" _-Leave him be._"  
-Hush.  
-I didn't say..  
-Not you. But that is not the point. She didn't leave me a choice.

Alex was looking at Joan perplexed, straightening, rising at eye level.

-Are you sure you're alright Joan ?  
-Oh, so you don't know ? They did not tell you ? They did not... Warn you ?  
-I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about...  
-It doesn't matter.  
" _-Don't hurt him. Alex is a good person._"  
-Good ? No one is.  
" _-I'm warning you.._"  
-And what will you do ? You will do nothing because you need me. Because you're a vic-Tim.  
" _-Stop it. I'm not._"  
-Yes you are. Without me, you wouldn't even be here anymore.

Alex had taken a few steps closer when he realized Joan was talking to thin air. He was about to place a hand on her shoulder when she recoiled, stepping further away.

-Do noT touch me.  
-Alright, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable.  
-Uncomfortable ? You shouldn't show us these. The Governor said pointing at the files.  
-Why ? What's so bad about them ?

The Governor stayed silent, casting a side glance at Joan.

-Do you know anything ? Have you seen something that would corroborate what these women have said ?  
-We won't answer that.  
-Who is we ?  
" _-Leave. Just go !_"  
-No. I'm here and I will stay. You have no willpower which is why I'm still here.  
" _-You hurt people is what you do._"  
-Need I remind you, _we_ are the same person.  
" _-We are not._"  
-Your denial is almost touching.

Alex who was watching the scene happening before his eyes, took his phone from his pocket and called Alice who picked up after a few seconds.

-Alex, what is it ?  
-I'm at your place.  
-What for ?  
-We had files to go over. And I..  
-I thought you'd come later in the day.  
-Alice, that doesn't matter.  
-Leave, no one wants you here !  
-You would not last a day without me.  
-Alex, what is going on ?  
-We have a situation here.

At the other end of the phone, Alice shot a side glance at Vera who was sipping her coffee.

-What is it, Alice ?  
-Alex is at my place. Something's wrong.  
-You mean ?

Vera placed her cup on the table as Alice nodded, thinking for a second.

-Okay. Where's Frannie ?  
-At school.  
-That's at least that. Ask him what's going on...  
-Alex, tell me what's happening.  
-Joan, she's talking to thin air.

Alice looked at Vera somewhat tensed.

-What is it ?

The younger woman leaned closer to Vera talking to her ear.

-The Governor's out. Alex is at my place.

Vera straightened, her lips parted, her eyes wide.

-He needs to stay away from her.  
-I know about that.  
-No, listen to me. He needs not to get close.  
-Why ?  
-What Allie said about the fight in the yard is true. She did all these things. She lifted Allie from the ground holding her by the throat.  
-Why didn't you mention it when we talked about it ??  
-Just tell him.

Alice's face turned blank and she brought the phone next to her ear.

-Alexander mne nuzhno byt' ostorozhnym.(Alexander, I need you to be careful.)  
-Why ?  
-Vera tol'ko chto skazala mne, chto ona podnyala kogo-to iz-pod zemli, ona opasna.(Vera just told me she lifted someone from the ground, she's dangerous.)  
-Alice, what is going on ?  
-Just tell me what happened. You arrived then what ?  
-I just laid the files on the table and she took a look at them. I told them we had her file and she started being weird.  
-What does he say ?  
-I think she knows something about Sinclair. She had a reaction to it.  
-That's why she's out ?  
-Who's out ?

Both women turned to the sink and saw Will and Jake mugs in hand, causing Alice to smile tightly.

-Just a friend in Russia.  
-Alice. What's going on ?  
-Eto slozhno. Eto gubernator. Eto ne Ioanna.(It's complicated. It's the Governor. This is not Joan.) Listen I need you to keep talking to me and tell me what's going on okay ?  
-You can listen.

Alex extended the phone in front of him, looking at the scene speechless. The Governor took away the compress inspecting her forearm, her nose twitching, she glanced into the mirror and saw Joan behind her, visibly angry, as she passed her fingers through her hair, inspecting the greying strands.

" _-No one wants you here._"  
-That's not your call to make. You're worthless.  
" _-So are you since we are the same person._"

The Governor scoffed and turned to face her, tracing the bloody marks on her left forearm, pressing slightly, making both of them wince, and Joan whimper.

" _-Stop it ! You're just as bad as he was !_"  
-You should know better than to think you have a say in this. I'm here for one thing, and I will see it done.  
-I HATE YOU ! NO ONE CARES, AND NO ONE LOVES YOU !

The Governor's nostrils flared, and she hit the mirror with her fist, cutting her knuckles, blood dripping at the tip of fingers, tears sliding down her cheeks.

-Fuck ! Wait a second !  
-Alex ? Alex ??!

The man stepped closer to the Governor who scoffed, looking at Joan in the eyes, her voice cold, daring.

-Say that again.

Joan gulped her own right hand bleeding, and hot tears running down her skin, leaving her with red eyes.

" _-YA nenavizhu tebya !(I hate you !)_"  
-You don't need to love me. Just to understand I'm here to protect us and I will do that regardless of consequences.  
-You don't protect us ! You hurt us ! Just like he used to do !  
" _-Oh no, you don't get to shut me out._"

The Governor hit herself in the face repeatedly leaving her face redder than before, only for Joan to get a hold of her bleeding hand, trembling, looking up to Alex.

-I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry...  
-Stop behaving like this ! You're weak !  
" _-Ostav' menya v pokoye !(Leave me alone !)_"  
-Don't touch us !

Alex stepped away looking the woman in front of him, his hands in front of him.

-I won't if you don't want me to. But you shouldn't hurt yourself like that.  
-You do noT get to tell me what to do.  
" _-Leave him out of this ! No one wants you here !_"  
-Alex. I need you to answer me. Now. Kak Ioanna? Ona v poryadke?(How is Joan ? Is she alright ?)

The Governor's gaze ended on the phone resting on the dinner table and a smirk formed at the corner of her lips.

-You should answer that. We wouldn't want for her to worry now, would we ? Not that she'd truly care anyway.  
-I heard that. Alex, now.

Alex grabbed his phone bringing it to his ear, his eyes locked on the Governor.

-She smashed the mirror.  
-What mirror ?  
-In the living room.  
-What is she doing now ?  
-Nothing, she's standing in front of me.  
-Ubedites' v tom, chto ona ne vykhodit iz doma. Ne vazhno chto.(Make sure she doesn't leave the house. No matter what.)  
-Polozhites' na menya. Ona nikuda ne denetsya.(Count on me. She won't go anywhere.)

The Governor raised an eyebrow, chuckling softly.

-YA by ne byl tak uveren, chto yesli by ya tebya.(I would not be so sure if I were you.)  
" _-Stop it ! Why are you doing that ? Nothing wrong is happenning right now !_"  
-Silence.  
" _-No. Not ever again. Do not speak like this of Alice !_"  
-She left, need I remind you.  
" _-You made her leave !_"  
-I did what I had to do to unsure the outcome of our plan. To keep us safe.  
" _-Safe ? SAFE ?! That is the last thing we were during all these years !_"  
-You should be grateful to be still breathing.  
" _-You do not protect us ! You hurt us the way he used to ! Like they all did !_"  
-Do not pretend to know why I do what I do.  
-Well, I wouldn't have to if you told me !!  
-Do not come forward !  
" _-Or what ? What will you do to us that you haven't done before ?? Eh ? Kills us ?_"  
-You were the one to.. I did what I had to do. She would have left eventually.  
" _-You do not know that !_"  
-We were better off without her. She'd have tried to stop us. She'd have made us weak.  
-I WOULD HAVE PREFERED HER HERE AND STOPPING US THAN GOING THROUGH WHAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH !  
-Which is why you need me !  
-I don't need you ! I never wanted you ! We'll never be the same person !

Alice closed her eyes hearing the speaking joust happening on the other end of the phone, she exhaled while Vera looked around, there weren't that many Officers. Jake and Will were there, but she knew they wouldn't catch onto what she'd say if she played her cards right.

-Could you put the phone on speaker ?  
-Alice ?  
-Just do it Alex.  
-Alright, done.

Vera glanced at Alice gesturing towards the phone, the younger woman nodded, and she stood up the phone next to her ear, detaching herself from the table, sucking in a shuddering breath.

-Hello.

The Governor looked at the phone an eyebrow raised, her lips parting slightly, her gaze locked on the phone Alex was extending in her direction.

-Miss BenneTT. What an unpleasant surprise.  
-Don't hurt her.  
-And whom could you be referring to ?  
-You know whom I'm referring to.  
-Patently.  
" _-Leave Vera out of this._"  
-I do not recall asking for your opinion. Miss Bennett is the one coming to me, like ships in the night. Isn't it, _Vee-rah_.  
-Just don't hurt her is all. Repeated Vera.  
-And why would I listen to you ? After all you ar..  
-Because I loved her.

The second the words passed her lips, Vera felt a weight taken off her shoulders, not so much because she had said the words again, but because Alice was in the room, alongside Jake and Will. Vera heard the door close and saw Bridget who had a pained expression as she had heard more than needed to understand what was happening. Alice was looking at Vera, surprised at the confession she knew must have cost her to say, surrounded by people who would very likely ask her questions, yet, she couldn't help but be interested in what else she'd have to say while Will furrowed his brows trying to make out what was happening before his eyes, he turned to look at Jake who was rendered speechless and visibly jealous and angry. The Governor's face turned blank within seconds, her lips tightly shut, her eyes black as night, her nostrils flaring.

-Lzhets, lzhets shtany v ogne.(Liar, liar pants on fire.)  
-Don't talk to her like that !  
-I hoped to be more than just friends. Added Vera causing Alice to feel a twinge of jealous pierce into her heart.  
-Liar.  
" _-Vera is not a liar._"  
-Ona pytayetsya poluchit' v vashey golove.( She's trying to get in your head.)  
" _-You used Vera ! She had done nothing wrong !_"  
-She lied to keep us within the prison !  
" _-She did her job !_"  
-She deserved all that we did to her !  
-No she didn't ! She did not deserve any of it ! Screamed Joan holding her head between her hands.  
-She stripped us of our freedom ! She had to hurt ! And you talk too much !  
-Do not hurt her. Warned Vera.  
-You were always a pathetic mouse of an Officer. 

Vera tried swallowing her pride, however hard it might be.

-I know. But not anymore. Thanks to you. Whoever you are.  
-You just want to hurt us. Like when we were an inmate. At your grasp when you had the illusion of being in conTrol.  
-That's not true. And she knows it. You did this. Not her. I thought she hated me, but it was you all along.

The Governor felt a twinge of warmth spread through her and shook her head hitting her cheek causing it to redden again, making Alex place the phone down again and try to reach for her unsuccessfully. Vera closed her eyes and walked toward the table giving back her phone to Alice, feeling tears well up at the corners of her eyes, leaving quickly by the door. Jake took the same path as Vera not without walking up next to Alice staring at her, angry and perplexed before passing the door as well. While Will and Bridget shared a look, making him lean forward.

-What the hell is going on ?  
-I'm afraid it's not up to me to tell you Will...  
-Bridget. Whatever it is you know you can tell me right ? You and Vera.  
-I'm afraid I can't tell you anything. Now when it comes to Vera, she's not over how we behaved with Alice. How you behaved.  
-About that..  
-She understands why you did it. It doesn't make it right. But maybe you should try to give Alice a chance.  
-Bridget there is...  
-What ?

Will glanced at Alice who was holding the phone to her ear, listening intensely, Bridget's hands coming to rest on her hips as she followed his eyes.

-I know she was in France. I know she didn't lie.  
-How do you know ?  
-Because I called. I know it's inappropriate, but I needed to know.  
-And now ?  
-Quite frankly ? I don't know... I guess it was this whole situation, the Board breathing down on me, Alice arriving like that. Just everything in the span of a few months hitting me in the face...  
-Could you give her a chance ? Regardless of if she did spend time with Joan ? Or more ?

Bridget saw Will looking up to her, letting her words sink in, obviously understanding the meaning.

-I guess I could... Do you think she'd accept it ?  
-You're a good man Will, you just make mistakes. Like me, Vera, Jake, Alice, Joan. I'm sure she won't mind.

Bridget smiled at Will and both of them turned when Alice rose from her chair, leaving the room, her phone resting next to her ear. The blonde heard Will sigh and turned to face him.

-You'll have occasions to tell her, she's going through a lot lately. But she's doing her best.  
-So she's genuine ?  
-Yes, I can say she is. I don't know if it's because of what you did when Joan got out that's eating you away like that. But you should tell her. You should build something based on trust.  
-I buried her alive Bridget, he said lowering his voice, She knew her. I don't even think I can forgive myself.  
-I'm sure you can. Your anger and uncertainty regarding Alice was just proof something was wrong, and she caught onto that. The moment she arrived.  
-Jake thinks she isn't genuine, that she helped her escape.  
-Joan ?

Will nodded and Bridget shifted, trying to look relaxed, meeting his eyes.

-Vera told me. She told Alice too. But do you think she'd jeopardize her life and her daughter's life ?  
-Wouldn't she jeopardize it if it was successful and the detectives were to have no clues she'd be gone ?  
-Do you want her to be gone ? Away from Australia ?  
-I just don't want to believe I killed someone out of anger.  
-Why ?  
-Because Alice was right. She rubbed my nose in it and I wanted to teach her a lesson.  
-A lesson ? Bridget scoffed. I hope you won't present it like that to Alice. Because given...

Bridget stopped talking, turning to pour herself a glass of water, causing Will to furrow his brows, turning fully toward her.

-Given what ?  
-I shouldn't.  
-Why not ?  
-Because you have been horrible to her. And she trusts me.  
-Bridget. I need to make this right. Jake told me he told you and Vera he wants for us to go and ask the detectives ourselves whether it's Ferguson's body in the box or not.  
-What does this have to do with anything ?  
-I need to make it right with Alice, no matter the outcome of what Jake and I are about to do.

Bridget nodded, looking down. Will started to walk away and was about to pass the door.

-Will. Wait.

The Governor turned, looking at his friend.

-Can I trust you ?  
-Always Bridget.  
-Trust you with something not on Alice's file ?

Will's lips parted in disbelief, but nodded sharply, breathing in deeply.

-Alice and Joan were together. Joan was the one to give birth to Frannie.  
-Alice's daughter ? He asked breathlessly.  
-Yes. She doesn't know I told you. You weren't supposed to know.  
-I understand... Thank you, Bridget...

Will exited the room, leaving Bridget still, near the sink, her hands on her hips, exhaling, hoping she'd made the right choice.  
Inside her office, Alice heard voices coming out of her phone but she wasn't able to make much out of it.

-I'm not going to hurt you. I promise I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to know what's going on to help.  
-That's exactly what he said.  
-What ?

Alex looked at the older woman, his brows furrowed, while she was pacing up and down.

-That's exactly what he said, he was bad, bad... Shouldn't have trusted him... Shouldn't have... How did we not see that before...

The Governor started walking towards the door but Alex grabbed her wrist, dodging a fist aimed at his face.

-I told you not to touch me.  
-I can't let you leave this house.  
-I will not be confined within these walls.  
-Then you don't leave me a choice.

The Governor was about to turn to grab the door handle when she felt strong arms circling her, she tried elbowing him in his stomach and made him hiss.

-LET ME GO !  
-I cannot.

The Governor shifted her position and succeeded to hit him in the sternum, causing Alex to let go of her, feeling a burning sensation blooming in his left cheek. When he looked up, she still had her fist raised and a murderous look on her face.

-Listen, I don't want to do this. But if you don't leave me a choice..  
-You are no one. You're pathetic. I'll leave if I so wish.  
" _-Listen to him ! He just wants to help !_"  
-They never _just_ want to help, _they never help_.

The Governor tried again to move closer to the door, but Alex held onto her arms, she tried to free her wrist to punch him but he spun her around, twisting her arm behind her back, her front against the wall of the corridor. She gasped when she felt held in place between his body and the wall and closed her eyes, tears slowly filling her eyes.

- _ **LET ME GO !**_  
-I'll let you go when you calm down.  
- _ **DON'T TOUCH ME !**_  
-I need you to calm down.

The Governor felt nauseous, flashbacks of her time at the psychiatric facility coursing through her mind, causing her pulse to quicken as she took shallow breaths.

- _ **PLEASE LET ME GO !**_  
-I don't want to hurt you, calm down and you'll be free to go and sit.

She tried moving, but Alex tightened his grip on her arm and held on to her other wrist, restraining it against the wall. She felt her tears streaming down her cheeks as she remembered when she was held down in the showers, blinking furiously, as to try and wash away the memories playing before her eyes. She turned her head slightly and saw Joan seemingly fine, though she could see her eyes shine with unshed tears. The Governor felt Alex's breath on her neck, and she sobbed, trying to stop the images of her abuses from playing before her, her shoulder starting to hurt, making her wince.

- _Please... **PLEASE ! LET ME GO ! GET OFF OF ME ! GET OFF ! DON'T HURT US ! PLEASE !**_

At this, Alex let go of her altogether, she dropped on the floor her forehead resting against the wall, sobs growing louder and louder, shaking her body violently. Alex looked around, breathless, and rushed to the phone.

-Alice.  
-Alex ! My god, what was that ? What was the screaming about ?  
-Get home now.  
-Wha..

Alex hang up placing his phone on the table before going back to the entrance, his eyes falling on the woman holding herself, resting against the wall, her hair sticking to her face. Alex kneeled in front of her and she harmed her fist, her watery eyes casting a deadly glare at him. He lifted his hands in retaliation, sitting on his knees, looking at her at eye level. Alex presented his right hand to her, eliciting no movement from the older woman.

-You'll be more comfortable on the sofa. And you need to drink water.

Alex slowly reached out for the hand that was still harmed in the air, when his fingers touched her skin he felt her hand tense and stopped.

-Look at me. I'm sorry. I just want to help. But Alice told me not to let you out. No matter what.

The Governor clenched her jaw tight, the pain in her body hitting her fully as she took shuddering breaths, she felt his hand holding onto hers and retracted her hand like a wounded animal.

-I'm sorry. Alright... How about the other hand ?

The Governor furrowed her brows, before nodding, Alex smiled and took hold of her left hand, helping her stand.

-Alright, see, not that bad ?

The older woman nearly slipped and Alex took hold of her waist to prevent her from falling over. They both looked down and saw blood smeared on the tiles.

-Alright let's get you on the sofa, without more injuries.

Alex withdrew his hand from her waist and directed her to sit. He kneeled and took off her shoes looking at the sole.

-These will have to be cleaned, you have blood underneath them. I'll go find a rag for your hand. Can I trust you won't be trying to leave ?

The Governor was looking down, holding back tears, her back straight, her jaw tightly shut, trying to show no pain, no matter how much it hurt. Alex sighed and left towards the kitchen, hoping for Alice to arrive soon.

* * * * *

Alice parked in her driveway, grabbing her bag as quickly as she could, slamming the car door shut, rushing to her front door. She did not even reach for the keys that the front door opened on Alex who moved aside.

-Where is she ?  
-Sitting, she's in the living room. How did you get away ?  
-Bridget said she'd cover for me.  
-The files are on the table. She saw them and this happened.

Alex drove Alice to the archway leading to her living room, witnessing blood smeared on her walls before her eyes feel on the mess. The mirror was shattered, and shards were spread all over the carpet, blood smeared on the tiles, and her.

-Tell me. I want to know everything.  
-She saw the files and whoever it is..  
-The Governor.  
-The Governor just started talking to thin air.  
-She was talking to Joan.  
-What do you mean ?  
-Co-conscious DID. Next.  
-Well, they kept talking, but you heard that. Who was it on the phone ?  
-Vera, she is the friend I was at the night I brought her with me.

Alex nodded solemnly, glancing at the woman on the couch who had not moved a centimeter ever since he had taken care of her hand and forearm.

-What else ?  
-She tried to leave. But I guess you expected that.  
-Not expecting that would be badly knowing her.  
-So you've seen her like that before ?  
-Not really.  
-What do you mean ?

Alice took a deep breath, her eyes locked on the woman seated in front of her.

-I saw the Governor once or twice, here and there. But I only saw her for a long time once.  
-When ?  
-When she stabbed me.

Alex turned to face Alice, his eyes wide. She waved her hand at him, dismissing the event as a thing of the past.

-We fought when she tried to leave. She's strong.  
-Well, she can apparently lift women like broomsticks.  
-She said... Things... Weird things...  
-What things ?  
-I had to hold onto her to prevent her from leaving. She started crying and sobbing. But not crocodile tears. She was screaming. She told me to let her go, to not touch her. To... Get off of her. Not to hurt her. She pleaded.

Alice's blood went cold but she lifted her gaze to the man next to her.

-She said the same things to me.  
-The night at your friend's ?  
-Yes. How did you say you held onto her ?  
-Her right arm was twisted behind her back, and I held onto her wrist, she was against the wall and me.  
-Were you close ?  
-I had to hold onto her, what do you think ??  
-I'm not blaming you. I'm merely asking. Because... I was resting on top of her, she couldn't move, I was holding onto her wrists. She looked terrified.  
-What do you think ?  
-You said she had the reaction looking the at files ?  
-She was fine before, except for the nail marks. Joan didn't want to tell me about them.  
-Thank you Alex.  
-No problem. By the way, I took care of her forearm and her hand, you'll probably need to change the bandage but she probably won't need suture points.  
-No. I mean it. Thank you.  
-I know you do. I'll see you later and a piece of advice, keep these files locked in your office as to not have a repeat of this afternoon.  
-Will do.

Alex glanced into the living room before turning towards the door, closing it behind himself. Alice sighed, throwing her bag on the bench, brushing her hair away from her face. She kept her eyes locked on the woman on the sofa as she walked toward her, stopping when she stood in front of her.

-Joan ?

The Governor brushed her tongue on her lower teeth, her eyes still staring at an invisible point on the wall in front of her.

-You should pick a name to differentiate you from Joan. If you don't want to I can choose. Because calling you Governor seems futile as you're not anymore.

The older woman sniffed and repressed a wince, looking down at her hand.

-Ioanna.(Joan.) Are you going to give the silent treatment ? I left work for you.  
-No.  
-What ?  
-You didn't leave for me. Why would you ? It was for _her_. Never for _me_.

Alice furrowed her brows, her lips parting.

-Everyone, including you, hate me. Because I do what has to be done.  
-Like wreaking havoc ? Like threatening to leave and risking getting caught ? Risking _our daughter's_ safety had she come home sooner ?!

The Governor's lips parted slightly, moving her head almost imperceptively, looking down, a tear rolling down her cheek.

-I'd never hurt her.  
-I find that hard to believe, given all I've heard.  
-I would never hurt her.  
-How could I believe you ?  
-Because you said _our_ daughter.

Alice breathed out, sitting on the sofa, resting her elbows on her knees. She straightened, turning to look at the Governor.

-Alex told me what happened.  
-And ?  
-Anything to add ?  
-She lied.  
-Who lied ?  
-Vera.  
-Why would she lie ?  
-Because otherwise she'd have helped us.  
-What do you mean ?

The Governor brought her hand to rest on her chest, brushing quickly the traitorous tears passing the barrier of her eyelids. Alice nodded, defeated.

-Alright. If you do so much as to hurt her again while you're here, you'll have me to deal with. If you do so much as to leave this house and put her in any danger however small. You'll have me to deal with. And if you get close to our daughter, yo..  
-I'll have you to deal with.  
-Glad we're on the same page. The bus shouldn't be long now.

Alice leaned closer, her lips centimeters away from her ear, causing her skin to tremble at the proximity.

-If Joan is not back before Frannie is back, I want you in the bedroom. You are a mess.

Alice stood up without one last look, walking toward the table expecting to see the files spread across the table but instead saw neat piles with no paper sticking out.

-You're welcome, said the Governor with a raspy voice.

Alice looked down, glancing sideways at the woman on the couch.

" _-What if I'm mistaken ? What if she's here for a reason ? It's still Joan, regardless of which personality it is. Why does she keep hurting her ? Why doesn't she talk to me ? One would think given what she knows she'd feel better talking to me. But no, she never does, does she ? It's still Joan, regardless of personality._ "

The younger woman sighed, knowing full well how normal people would react in this situation. But the older woman did not give her any want to make a step towards her. She disliked her, and Alice was giving it back in kind. Alice shook her head, going back in the entrance to gab her back, she turned towards the stairs her hand on the railing before freezing altogether.

" _-You know when I entered this line of work, it's because people who cared and believed in me helped me become who I am now, it's what our job is about._ "

Alice closed her eyes.

" _-Do you really value your own words so little ? Do you really want to throw the very little empathy you have build up over the years out the window ?_ "

Alice took off her shoes, placing them in the rack, trying her best to place the files in her bag without folding them. She placed her bag on the ground and walked back to the sofa, standing in front of her, making her look up, quickly wiping tears away.

-Come on.

The Governor tilted her head on the side, furrowing her brows.

-Come with me. I don't bite.  
-Yes, you do.

Alice was about to speak when she understood the double meaning of her sentence. The younger woman scoffed, raising a brow. She looked down at the woman seated who had gone back to stare at the wall. She extended her hand drawing her attention again.

-Come with me.  
-Why ?  
-Just take my hand.

The Governor thought for a few seconds, swallowing audibly. She raised a hand and warily brought it closer to Alice, waiting for the deception. Which never came. Alice was holding her hand, squeezing softly as to not hurt her more than she was.

-Alright, now stand up.  
-I am not yo..  
-Just do it.

The Governor stood up wincing at the pain searing through her body, not only was she exhausted by the mental breakdown but she was not twenty anymore and she had started to feel it more and more these last few years. Alice took a hold of her, directing them towards the stairs, picking back her bag. She stopped at the first step, turning to face the taller woman, causing her to look down at her.

-I knew.

Upon seeing the perplexed expression Alice brushed a tuft of hair away from her face, causing the older woman to cast a side look at her hand.

-I knew it was you and not Joan. And I left work anyway. So don't ever tell me I'd never do anything for you. You have a great memory, therefore you should be able to remember all I've done for you. And her. Before you cast me away.

Alice placed her hand on the railing before the Governor had the chance to add anything and they both climbed the stairs being careful as to not fall or trip on one's feet. Alice opened the door of their bedroom and made her sit on the covers, standing in front of her.

-Thank you. For the files. You didn't have to do that given what happened because of them.  
-Forget it.  
-One step forward, two steps backward is that it ?

The Governor turned her head, trying to lay down on the bed, wincing at the pain blooming in her shoulder and back, Alice made a step forward but the older woman nodded negatively.

-I don't require assistance.  
-Alright. Dinner is at seven. But I still expect Joan to be back for that. I'll be in my office if you need anything.

Alice passed the door, closing it behind herself, her hand on the knob. She thought about locking the door, but decided against it. She left toward her office, placing the files on her desk, appreciating the quietness of the room.  
Inside the bedroom, the Governor was resting on her left side, tears streaming down her cheeks, holding the pendant with her good, scarred hand, fumbling to open it, her right hand hurting her, sending jolts of pain up to her already painful shoulder. The pendant fell open, and she unlocked the other side, another photo showing a woman with jet black hair holding a little girl in her arms both smiling widely, the girl's hair nicely braided, reaching between her shoulder blades. The Governor placed a kiss on the tip of her fingers, caressing the picture gently, sobs slowly filling her.

-I love you, mummy.


	28. Chapter 28

Joan was dazzled by a sharp ray of yellowy light, causing her to screen her eyes with her scarred hand before the light dimmed. She blinked repeatedly, looking around, recognizing the place, hearing metal clinging all around her.

-Vy ne dolzhny rasprostranyat' sebya tonkimi !(You mustn't spread yourself thin !)

Joan turned, her eyes darting around, she heard swords clinging again and started walking towards the origin of the sound.

-Vy ne mozhete pozvolit' sebe imet' svoy um brodit' !(You cannot afford to have your mind wandering about !)

Unexpectedly, Joan suffered a sudden jolt of pain coursing through her back, and she took hold on the wall, feeling her eyes water at the burning slash.

-Sosredotochivat' !(Focus!)

Joan grunted as she felt another slash pierce through the skin of her forearm. She walked toward the door from where the swords could be heard and discerned a girl yelp in pain. Another stirring pain bursting in her collarbone. She took a shuddering breath and clutched the handle, turning it open. Joan's eyes fell on the girl in the middle of the room, holding the épée in an en garde position, a man standing in front of her, in a similar position. The older woman felt her throat tighten, making it hard to swallow as she saw the two opponents, because it was what they were. Opponents.  
She saw them lunging at each other, paring thrusts and moving along an imaginary line, without protections. Joan looked at the room, her eyes roaming on the equipment and photos hanging on the walls. It had been her first fencing studio. Her father had forced her come with him, deciding that when he wasn't treating her like a soldier to whom he had to teach how to survive, she had to be taught how to fight, to hurt and incapacitate her opponent. When to strike where it hurts. Joan shifted her weight from one leg to the other and the floor creaked, making the two figures in front of her stop, and turn their heads towards her. Her eyes fell on the girl, and her breath got stuck in her throat when she noticed the look on her face. Tears streaming down, bruises on her collarbone, back and arms, her right hand also paying a severe price from not using protections. She felt the burning eyes of her younger self, staring at her, pain and hardness mixing in her brown orbs.

-Pochemu ty ne mog byt' dostatochno khorosho ?(Why couldn't you be good enough ?)

Joan gasped, her younger self gripped firmly the épée as she hit her thigh with the tip of the blade, drawing in a sharp breath from both of them.

-Vy vsegda byli takim razocharovaniyem. (You were always such a disappointment.)

Joan felt a tear streaming down her cheek, looking at her father. She took a step back upon seeing him walking up to her and saw Ivan stop in his track, the look in his eyes sending a shiver down her spine. She saw him arm his épée, turning to her younger self, and she lunged forward, wrapping her arms around herself, feeling a stinging pain in the middle of her back.

* * * * *

Joan woke up panting, tears flooding her cheeks, she looked around and felt an arm wrapping around her waist, making her tense. She turned her head and saw Alice, her brows furrowed, the harsh wake up written all over her face. She felt her hand pushing away silvery strands of hair from her face as Joan was trying to catch her breath. Alice stood from the bed and went into the bathroom, leaving Joan alone. The older woman looked down at her hands, clutching her jaw, she wiped tears from her cheeks only for more to come steaming down. She heard the door of the bathroom and saw Alice come back, sitting on her side of the bed, handing her a glass of water. Joan took it and gulped it down, sniffing softly. She closed her eyes, feeling her heart thumping in her chest, the words from her nightmare still ringing in her ears.

" _-Pochemu ty ne mog byt' dostatochno khorosho ?(Why couldn't you be good enough ?)_ "  
" _-Vy vsegda byli takim razocharovaniyem.( You were always such a disappointment.)_ "

She felt a hand in her hair and sighed, looking at Alice who appeared impassive, yet she thought discerning a distinct glimmer in her chestnut brown eyes.

-Another nightmare ?

Joan nodded and both her and Alice heard the floor creak from behind the door. A smile graced the brunette's lips and she gave Joan an amused look.

-What ?

Alice raised a finger and got up from the bed, walking toward her door. She opened it and saw her daughter peaking throught the key hole. Frannie slowly looked up, caught red handed and smiled at her mother.

-Shouldn't you be in bed young lady ?  
-I heard noises, I wanted to check on Mama...

Alice stepped aside and Frannie looked up a her, her lips twisting into a smile. She rushed over the bed, sitting down in front of the older woman, her eyes darting all over her, causing her to furrow her brows.

-Why are you crying ?  
-Frannie, give her a minute.  
-But..  
-Frannie.

The young girl looked down, visibly pained. Joan looked over at Alice and saw that same impassiveness as she moved around to enter the covers again. She looked down at her daughter and awkwardly stroked her hand, making her look up to her, uncertainty spreading across her face as Frannie stared at their hands and brought her right hand in front of her face, feeling the bandage, her brows furrowed, and her eyes gazing at her other hand, the scarred one.

-What happened to your hands ?  
-You should go bac..  
-Something I'm not proud of.

Alice looked over at Joan, as she did not expect for her to elaborate on why her hand looked this way, of course Alice had had Vera and Bridget tell her what happened. Alongside reading reports from the hospital. But she was intrigued to see what she was going to tell their daughter. Joan, on the other hand, felt uneasy, as she stared into the brown orbs in front of her. She knew the girl would ask questions, many questions. And she feared having to acknowledge them. Feared seeing disappointment in her eyes, feared her own daughter rejecting her. But in a corner of her mind it seemed like the next logical step as Joan had obliged them to leave and behaved in ways that made them think she didn't care. Her dream came flooding in her mind again as she looked at the girl, her daughter. She could see so much of herself in her, and not just because they both looked very much alike physically. She could see it in her way of holding herself, in the pictures she had seen, the depth behind her eyes, reminding her of when her own mother was caring for her.

-I did something... Something I... Shouldn't have done. And someone stopped me.  
-Someone did this ?

Joan nodded and furrowed her brows upon seeing the look on her daughter's face while looking at the scars.

-That person shouldn't have done that, they are bad.  
-No. They did what was... Right.  
-But why wou..  
-How about we all try to catch a few hours more of sleep ? It'll do us good knowing the trying day we'll have.  
-But I want to talk with Mama..

Joan noted the look on Frannie's face and she stroked her hand with her finger, drawing her attention.

-Come.

Frannie's lips twisted into a beaming smile and she rushed to Joan's side, nuzzling her neck, causing her to look down at her, her brows raised. Alice was about to open her mouth to speak but thought against it when she saw the tears swelling in Joan's eyes. The older woman placed the girl in the covers, wrapping her arms around her, bringing her closer, her injured hand gently stroking her hair.

-Voz'mi menya, lyubi menya, ukroy  
Toy pelenoy, chto my s toboy sozdali vdvoyom  
Voz'mi menya, lyubi menya, ukroy  
Toy pelenoy, chto my s toboy sozdali vdvoyom

Svet fonarey gulyayet po ulitse  
Smotri zhe mne v glaza, obo vsom ya tebe rasskazhu  
I kolybel'nuyu tebe spoyu, smotri zhe mne v glaza  
I gde v nikh dobrota? (gde v nikh dobrota?)

(Take me, love me, shelter  
The shroud that you and I created together  
Take me, love me, shelter  
The shroud that you and I created together

The light of lanterns, walks along the street  
Look into my eyes and I'll tell you everything  
And I'll sing you a lullaby, look into my eyes  
And where is kindness in them? (where is the kindness in them?))

Joan felt Frannie grow heavy in her arms and looked down at the girl who had just fallen asleep, drawing a shuddering breath from Joan who glanced up at Alice, tears falling down. Alice wiped them away and smiled before sinking in the covers, stroking Joan's arm.

* * * * *

Frannie was seated on the couch in the living room, looking at an album with pictures of herself as a baby, she flipped through some pages and saw a picture of Joan brushing her already long, dark hair. She felt a hand caressing her hair and looked up at Joan, seeing how tired she looked but did not comment upon it, instead, she stood on her knees and showed her the album.

-Please ?

Joan felt her heart beating in her chest. She couldn't understand how, but the girl was bringing all their defenses down, she couldn't remember the last time she had been that close to someone willingly, regardless of age, that quickly without a plan motivating the interactions. Except that it wasn't just anybody, it was her daughter, and she wanted to spend time with her. She didn't seem to resent her, nor harbor bad thoughts regarding her leaving them. She looked down into the brown eyes and smiled softly.

-Scoot over.

Frannie's eyes widened and she sat back down waiting for Joan to join her. The older woman sat down and looked over at the girl, opening her arm in a clear invitation. Frannie placed the album on her thighs and wrapped her arms around her, resting her head on her chest, her ear next to her beating heart. Joan turned her head slightly to the left and her nose fell in the girl's hair, she brought a hand to her head and kissed her hair before opening the album, her eyes glancing at the numerous pictures Alice had taken of both her and Joan before they decided to have Frannie, the pregnancy, and Frannie's birth. Suddenly Frannie pointed at a picture and Joan smiled.

-That's my favorite, do you remember it ?  
-It would be... Hard to forget.  
-Why ?  
-Because giving birth takes up to hours.  
-Really ?! Frannie's eyes widened, Does it hurt ?

Joan scoffed, raising her brows.

-Yes it does, but it was worth it. Because...  
-Because what ?

Joan looked down at the girl, but inside she was reliving that day. How scared she had been, how Alice had been, as always, calm and collected but she could have sworn she had witnessed a glimmer of uncertainty and anxiety. And the pain, Gosh the pain ! She couldn't think of many times in her life when she had felt nearly as much pain as she did when she gave birth. And the worst wasn't just that, it was also the wait. The excrutiating hours she had to wait with the pain and her mind wandering about how things would go from there. If she could be a mother, a good mother like hers. If she could love the little girl, or if she would be like her dad. Just the thought gave her a chill. She closed her eyes and opened them on the little girl in her arms.

-Because in spite of... All the pain and my... Fears. It was one the happiest moment in my life. You... You looked at me with big, round eyes, I felt as if you were staring right through me. You were so small, so fragile I thought I would hurt you...  
-What happened ?  
-You grabbed my finger, and you smiled... And I cried.  
-Was Mom there ?  
-Yes, she stayed with us all the time.  
-Were you happy ?

Joan's breath got stuck in her throat, saying she was happy would be an understatement, as it was one of the happiest moments in her life, and there weren't that many. She heard fabric rustle in front of her and looked up at the stern woman who had a strained expression plastered on her face, yet she couldn't discern any ounce of hatred nor pain, just peace, causing her to furrow her brows despite the happiness within herself. The Governor nodded imperceptively, and Joan looked down at her daughter, bringing her even closer if it was possible, feeling no resistance.

-Yes, like never before.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little (but important) moment from the past ;)  
> I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> (I'm soooo sorry it took me THIS LONG to update, I have barely written anything, I didn't take the time to write as a matter of fact, but I'll try and remedy that since France is in another lock down yeah -_-')

Joan looked through the books, tucking a strand of ebony hair behind her ear. She had finally decided to enter the library in front of which she was passing every morning while driving to the Correctional Center. The second she had entered was the moment she knew she'd spend lots of time within these walls, shelves, filled in books, too many to count. The messiness of the place had left a bitter taste in her mouth, but she tried focussing her mind on the multitude of leather covered books dating as far back as the fifteenth century, because of course, it would be the oldest sections that'd interest her. Yet, she found herself wandering back to the newer books sections, still looking through them unsure as to what she was looking for. Suddenly a title caught her eyes causing her throat to tighten.

"The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma - Bessel van der Kolk M.D."

Joan took the book in her hand and looked up to the sign indicating the section she was in, a mixture of amusement and irritation spreading through her.

"Psychology"

She rolled her eyes turning the book, reading the summary, taken aback by the words.

"“#1 New York Times bestseller"  
"“Essential reading for anyone interested in understanding and treating traumatic stress and the scope of its impact on society.” —Alexander McFarlane, Director of the Centre for Traumatic Stress Studies"  
"A pioneering researcher transforms our understanding of trauma and offers a bold new paradigm for healing in this New York Times bestseller"

"Trauma is a fact of life. Veterans and their families deal with the painful aftermath of combat; one in five Americans has been molested; one in four grew up with alcoholics; one in three couples have engaged in physical violence. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, one of the world’s foremost experts on trauma, has spent over three decades working with survivors. In The Body Keeps the Score, he uses recent scientific advances to show how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust. He explores innovative treatments—from neurofeedback and meditation to sports, drama, and yoga—that offer new paths to recovery by activating the brain’s natural neuroplasticity. Based on Dr. van der Kolk’s own research and that of other leading specialists, The Body Keeps the Score exposes the tremendous power of our relationships both to hurt and to heal—and offers new hope for reclaiming lives.”"

Joan swallowed, staring intensely at the book in her hands before looking back up at the other titles, feeling her heart beating within her rib cage.

"“Recovery of Your Inner Child: The Highly Acclaimed Method for Liberating Your Inner Self - Lucia Capacchione"

"The Inner Child lives within all of us, it's the part of us that feels emotions and is playful, intuitive, and creative. Usually hidden under our grown-up personas, the Inner Child holds the key to intimacy in relationships, physical and emotional well-being, recovery from addictions, and the creativity and wisdom of our inner selves."

"Recovery of Your Inner Child is the only book that shows you how to have a firsthand experience of your Inner Child—actually feeling its emotions and recapturing its sense of wonder—by writing and drawing with your non-dominant hand. Expanding on the highly acclaimed technique introduced in The Power of Your Other Hand, here Dr. Capacchione shares scores of hands-on activities that will help you to embrace your Vulnerable Child and your Angry Child, find the Nurturing Parent within, and finally discover the Creative and Magical Child that can heal your life.”"

Joan furrowed her brows, her eyes darting at the books in her hands, her mouth suddenly drier than it had ever been. These books were speaking to her much more than she would have thought. Could it be a coincidence ? Maybe one book would be, but two ? Anyways she did not believe in these things. It was too random to be controlled. She took a deep breath and ventured herself to look through the titles again, it couldn't happen a third time now, could it ?

"Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror Paperback – 2015 - Judith Lewis Herman"  
"In this groundbreaking book, a leading clinical psychiatrist redefines how we think about and treat victims of trauma. A “stunning achievement” that remains a “classic for our generation.” (Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., author of The Body Keeps the Score)."

"When Trauma and Recovery was first published in 1992, it was hailed as a groundbreaking work. In the intervening years, Herman's volume has changed the way we think about and treat traumatic events and trauma victims. In a new afterword, Herman chronicles the incredible response the book has elicited and explains how the issues surrounding the topic have shifted within the clinical community and the culture at large.Trauma and Recovery brings a new level of understanding to a set of problems usually considered individually. Herman draws on her own cutting-edge research in domestic violence as well as on the vast literature of combat veterans and victims of political terror, to show the parallels between private terrors such as rape and public traumas such as terrorism. The book puts individual experience in a broader political frame, arguing that psychological trauma can be understood only in a social context. Meticulously documented and frequently using the victims' own words as well as those from classic literary works and prison diaries, Trauma and Recovery is a powerful work that will continue to profoundly impact our thinking."

"“Trauma and Recovery is revered as the seminal text on understanding trauma survivors. By placing individual experience in a broader political frame, Harvard psychiatrist Judith Herman argues that psychological trauma is inseparable from its social and political context. Drawing on her own research on incest, as well as a vast literature on combat veterans and victims of political terror, she shows surprising parallels between private horrors like child abuse and public horrors like war.”"  
"Hailed by the New York Times as “one of the most important psychiatry works to be published since Freud,” Trauma and Recovery is essential reading for anyone who seeks to understand how we heal and are healed."

Joan let go of the books as if she had been burned, there was no way she could have picked randomly three books that spoke to her _that_ much. She took deep breaths, shaking her head energetically, her eyes tightly shut when she heard footsteps getting closer.

-Here, let me help you.

Upon hearing the voice, Joan's eyes snapped open, her head turning towards the person so fast it made her head spin. The person in front of her was looking just as surprised as she was, her lips parted, her eyes wide.

-Joan ?

The older woman was staring at Alice, beyond surprised.

-My, it's been a while ! I wasn't expecting to see you here. Truth to be told, I can't recall ever seeing you here.

Joan had kept on staring at Alice during their exchange, never expecting to see her again, and in a library of all places. She took her time printing her features into her mind, remembering when she had left Blackmoore. Alice was slightly taller, but even with her heels, she did not reach Joan's height, not that she ever could. Her once shoulder-length hair was now reaching the middle of her back even in a braid, and her hair was much darker than it used to be. Her eyes eventually trailed up and down her figure, taking in the sight of her. Four years did the job or almost rendering her unrecognizable. Her body was no longer of a teenager's now, and she realized that fact causing her to blush furiously. To have these thoughts about a former inmate. Simply inappropriate. Yet when she looked up to her face, she couldn't deny the charms she had been graced with becoming a woman, the femininity which she desperately lacked. Her chestnut brown eyes still had that twinkle in them, and her lips were a lovely reddish color, her smile unchanged.

-Joan ? Joan are you alright ?

The older woman snapped out of her trance and looked down at Alice, clearing her throat.

-Yes, I'm fine. It's... It's nice to see you.

Alice smiled, showing her teeth, she was holding the books Joan had dropped a few moments ago and did not divert from gazing at her as well. She was more or less the same as she had left her, except her hair was longer, and she thought discerning some white hair starting to appear and wrinkles gracing the edges of her eyes. Not only that but also the fact she seemed tensed, very much withdrawn, her chin up high, her clothes ever so dark. The younger woman at taken the liberty to look at the book titles and get a sense of what it was about, raising an eyebrow as she looked back up to the older woman, giving them back.

-These are yours.  
-Thank you.  
-Are you going to buy them ?  
-Now, why would I do that ? Said Joan raising a perfectly shaped eyebrow.  
-Because you could benefit from what's between the pages. If you picked these books, it might mean you should read them, see if it sparks anything. But then again maybe you're right, why would you buy books that could help ?

Joan swallowed, looking down at Alice's left arm carrying books as well. Her eyes caught the word empathy, and she nodded in the direction of the books, clearly trying to make a point.

-Are you going to buy them ?  
-Yes, Answered Alice knowingly.

Then, silence took place, leaving Joan looking around and sometimes letting her gaze fall on Alice, growing slightly uneasy.

-What do you say we go and have a coffee ? My treat. That is if you don't have anywhere to be.

Somewhere to be. Other than the prison on her days of work, Joan never had somewhere to be, with the exception of her house, but the loneliness she felt from it was excruciating, she had no desire to come back to it and tried her best to prolong the moment as much as she could.

-We could catch up ? Or is it out of sight out of mind with you too, she added, studying the brunette's face.  
-What place did you have in mind ?  
-Just a nice coffee shop down the road, they have decent products. Plus, it could help us get warm, which I wouldn't mind.

Joan thought for a second, looking at the books in her arms, her jaw clenching.

-You should take them. Even if you only read them in a week, a few months, or in years at least, you'd have them.

Alice saw Joan nod and leave to pay for the books, making her smile, and yet she could see she was rather uneasy at the thought someone saw the books. She remembered Joan rather well, but they hadn't seen each other for four years, many things can change in four years, many things can happen. She saw Joan walking back to her, pushing a strand of ebony hair behind her ear, nodding in her direction.

-Lead the way.

* * * * *

-So, how has the prison been treating you ?

Joan took a sip of her long, black coffee staring up at Alice who sipped her hot cocoa with marshmallows.

-Hasn't changed in four years. And life on the outside ?  
-Well, firstly, I plan on never going back to prison, life on the outside is so much more... What's the word...  
-Stimulating ?  
-Yes, it is. But the freedom that comes with it is almost too good to be true you know. I just enjoy sleeping as much as I want and eating the food I want.  
-I can understand the appeal in that, I couldn't see myself... You know, behind bars.  
-Hypothetically speaking you'd be more than fine, you're strong and capable. Very intelligent as well. Though I don't recommend it to you, the strip searches are just, ugh.

Alice winced, rolling her eyes, making Joan's lips corner twitch upward. She had no idea why she had agreed to this, it had been years since the last time they spoke, things were so different now.

They were different now.

-Joan, tell me about Blackmoore.

The older woman's eyes widened before sipping her coffee, trying to regain her composure.

-There isn't much to say about it. New prisoners all the time, rules somewhat changing from time to time, and..  
-I don't mean how things are run. I know about that. I meant you. How are you feeling about still working at Blackmoore.

Joan took a deep breath, the last thing she wanted was to talk about Blackmoore outside of Blackmoore.

-I'm fine.  
-May I be blunt ? Answered Alice after a short pause.  
-As if me saying no would stop you anyway.

Alice scoffed drinking her beverage, she placed it down and looked at Joan very seriously, causing her to straighten on her chair.

-I know we haven't spoken in years, and that I was an inmate, but I liked what we had. The ease with which you confided in me. I felt like I could confide in you too.  
-It was a long time ago.  
-Not so long.  
-Things happened.  
-What happened then ?

Joan's jaw tensed and Alice furrowed her brows, her mind working like crazy, had she said something ? Done something wrong ?

-Joan ?  
-You said you wouldn't let that come between us.  
-What do you mean ?  
-You never called nor tried to contact me. You just left.

When Joan's eyes met Alice's, the younger woman could see a hardness in them she had never seen before, even after Jianna's murder.

-You promised. And you lied. I trusted you.  
-You have to understand when I left I was still under eighteen years old.  
-You're twenty-one now. You had three years and a half.  
-Have you been counting ?

Blush took place on Joan's cheeks and she avoided looking into the chestnut brown eyes, in fear of her emotions spilling out. She had done more than count.

-Joan I'm... Why didn't you contact me ?  
-I assumed you didn't want to since you never did.  
-You should never assume these things. I was just... Caught up in my new life and yes, forgot about that promise I made you. It was nothing personal.  
-Well it's done, now.  
-Did it hurt you ?

Joan raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow, scoffing lightly, amusement visible on her face.

-Hurt ? For that I would need to care.  
-But you do care.  
-How would you know ? You care about no one. You cannot grasp the concept.

Alice stopped, her hand in the air, placing her cup down, her face composed, impassive, staring into the chocolate eyes before her. She nodded imperceptively before looking down at her cup, she reached for her shirt and lifted the bottom revealing a large scar on her tummy, causing Joan's brows to furrow and her lips to part. She had never seen it before.

-Remember the siege ?

Joan gulped audibly, her eyes never leaving the whitish scar, her lips parting at how large it was.

-The siege in which _I saved your life._ Back when I didn't care. So please Joan, don't come and tell me about caring. I might not care for many people but it doesn't mean I don't ever.  
-I thought your condition prevented that.  
-Regardless of my condition. I can feel empathy by learned behavior and telling myself certain things. I'm not good at it but I manage. It's hard to be different when everyone around you is pretty much the same. When they don't understand, when they don't want to understand. You should know that better than anyone.

Alice lowered her shirt, taking a sip of her beverage looking above her cup at the older woman.

-Razve eto tebe bol'no? (Did it hurt you ?)

Joan's widened in surprise and she looked at Alice a ghost of a smile on her lips.

-YA prodolzhal trenirovat'sya. Kak vy dumayete ? ( I kept on practicing. What do you think ?)  
-Eto deystvitel'no khorosho.(It's really good.)  
-A moy aktsent? YA by skoreye umeret', chem chto-nibud', no dostoynyy aktsent.(And my accent ? I'd rather die than have anything but a decent accent.)  
-Vy vsegda imeli dostoynyy aktsent.(You always had a decent accent.)  
-YA mogu poblagodarit' svoyego uchitelya za eto.(I can thank my teacher for that.)

Alice took a sip of her hot cocoa, looking at the older woman from above her cup seeing her nod softly.

-YA uveren, chto vy znayete yeye.(I'm sure you know her.)

Joan scoffed taking a sip of her own beverage as well, an eyebrow raised while Alice was staring her, her cup still in her hand.

-Vysokiye, chernoye derevo volosy, svetlaya kozha, shokoladnyye glaza, sochnyye guby.(Tall, ebony hair, fair skin, chocolate eyes, luscious lips.)

Joan nearly choked on her coffee causing Alice to prevent a smirk from forming, her eyes studying the woman in front of her. The older woman swore and used paper towel to try and minimize the damages done to her clothes and the seat.

-Well, if I had known you'd react like that. Still cannot take a compliment can't you ?  
-Lies are not compliments..  
-So are you going to tell me or ? Asked Alice cutting her short.  
-Answer what ?  
-Did it hurt you ? It's a yes or no question, you don't even need to elaborate if you don't like it, if it's too much.

Joan looked at the bottom of her cup, the drenched paper towel still in her hand, trying to save the beige seat.

-The seat won't get cleaner because you rub it. They need to wash it. So ?

Staring at Joan, Alice's face seemed impassible, taking in all the micro-movements she remembered the older woman had, and even the new ones she had never seen before. She caught a slight twitch of her lips and tensing between her brows, causing her to furrow her own.

-The fact I forgot, hurt you. And I can't change that.  
-I should be going.  
-Joan. Sit.  
-Excuse me ?  
-Sit down. I'm not finished.

Joan's nostrils flared and she looked around because eyeing her seat and the young woman in front of her.

-Please, sit down.  
-No.  
-Alright. No, I'm not sorry if that's what you wanted to hear. And the reason for it is actually fairly simple. You had a life. I never did. And when I was given one, a shot at one, I took and it and never looked back. I enjoyed it, I learned, I met people. But do not think I did not think once or twice about my time at Blackmoore. Or you. You were hurt and decided to presume things about me. My forgetfulness can be forgiven, but why did you hurt yourself by not calling ? Why not be the courageous woman I know you are and take a step towards what you want ?

Alice then, did something that even surprised herself. Joan looked down at their hands and felt the softness of her skin before feeling a gentle tug. The older woman kept staring at their hands, the cogs inside her brain working, Alice had never initiated anything like that before. She glanced back at the younger woman in front of her and saw a slight uneasiness as she tugged on her hand once more. Joan gritted her teeth and sat down, careful as to not dirty her pant further as she took place on the chair.

* * * * *

-Well...  
-It was nice.  
-Yes, it was.

Alice smiled tightly at the older woman, looking up at her.

-Aren't you glad you stayed afterall ?

Joan caught on the teasing tone of her voice and raised a neat eyebrow, her lips curling into a half-smile.

-Maybe I am.  
-In that case, we should do that more.  
-You'd want to spend time with me ?  
-Well yes, otherwise I wouldn't have said so nor spent the last hours talking to you. You shouldn't doubt yourself that much.

Alice had furrowed her brows at the dumbfounded expression on the other woman, her eyes searching her face.

-Knowing me the way you do. Do you really think if I didn't want to talk to you I'd still be here right now ? I mean, remember Aida ?

This caused Joan to laugh openly, surprising her, stopping her in her tracks, which didn't go unnoticed by Alice but she said nothing about it. She just carefully observed Joan as she used to do, as she probably still does with everyone, all the time.

-Aida wanted to talk to me all the time. Just because I saved her arse, couldn't leave me alone. God knows I was this close to shutting her up permanently.

The older woman rolled her eyes, a soft smile finally making it's way to her eyes, making Alice smile at the realization.

-Here's my number, you can call me anytime, or text that depends on you. And given you're the one with my number you'll have to do either of these two things for me to have your number. See you later Joan.

At this, Alice started walking down the street with a satisfied smile painted on her face. She'll call, she has the guts. She knew she did, she just had to find the courage within herself to do so.  
Joan on the other hand was left slack-jawed and eyes wide open at the implication. Of course, she'd pull something like that on her. She rolled her eyes once more tucking the piece of paper in her pocket, her words ringing in her ears.  
She had gotten defensive, she had lost control. Her faced hardened ever so subtly, but she thought back to the moment she took her hand in hers. The moment she had reached out.  
Turning to leave, she took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a mere second before she started walking with renewed energy flowing throw her body.  
Suddenly, going to her apartment didn't seem nearly as dreadful and depressing.


	30. Chapter 30

Joan opened the bathroom door, entering swiftly, followed by Alice who sat on the edge of the bathtub, her gaze on the older woman. The rustle of clothing being the only sound resonating within the immaculate walls. Joan turned to face Alice their eyes meeting, a soft blush tainting her cheeks, the younger woman smiled softly before opening the tap, testing the water. Joan tried to make abstraction of the self-consciousness she felt thrumming within her ribcage and looked around at her surroundings since last time she had been here she hadn't paid much attention, too focussed on holding the reins yet trying to relax.

-Are you alright ?

Joan peaked at Alice nodding slightly, she had no desire to share what was on her mind right now, not today when she needed to be as sane as she could. All of a sudden a loud thud echoed through the house and both women turned to the door.

-Alright, why don't you start ? I'll see if it's Frannie.

Alice left the room without a look, missing Joan's eyes widening as the door closed, making her shudder. She shook her head trying to regain some composure, yet, felt like crawling out of her skin, laughs echoing in her mind. She sat down on the edge of the tub slouching, resting her head between her hands. I wasn't the first time she felt this way, like she was slipping away, her thoughts turned to Alice and she silently wished for her to walk past the door.

" _-She won't come back in here._"  
-You don't know about that.

Joan looked up and saw the woman in uniform standing tall. She took her chin between her fingers and caressed her hair, menacingly.

" _-Stop fighting me !_"  
-I didn't ask for your opinion, leave me alone !  
"_-You're weak without me. You're nothing but a victim, even this feels like an unsurmontable task._"

Suddenly Joan stood, straightening her stance, her arms resting along her thighs, her face impassive, looking in the mirror.

-Since you don't seem to be able to do that on your own. You should let me lead.  
"_-She'll be back any minute, leave._"

Joan was standing behind her, a cream blouse and black jeans covering her skin, her brows furrowed. She lifted a hand to open the tap but the Governor stopped her in her track, bringing the hand back near her bare thigh.

-No. Now hold your tongue.

The Governor opened the plastic curtain, wincing at the feel on her fingers, she inspected her surroundings and stepped in the decently cleaned shower, feeling the water stream with her hands, moaning at the warmth penetrating her body, slowly relaxing her muscles. Joan was standing outside the shower looking around, before staring at the Governor washing her dark hair. The woman was humming an opera, letting the water roll down her milky skin, her mind somehow empty of thoughts, as it used to happen during this cleansing procress. Until a shiver coursed down her spine, stopping her at once, her hands leaving her hair. She brought her arms in front of herself inspecting them, nothing. She furrowed her brows and closed her eyes, standing below the stream of warm water, holding her breath. She heard laughing and pushed herself from below the stream, moving her hair from her eyes, her breathing short. She felt a stiring pain in her arm, stopping at her wrist and felt her eyes water. The Governor could feel her guts twist and turn, making her nauseous, catching herself on the wall of the bathroom. A flashback from that fateful morning forcing itself into her mind, unable to stop it. She groaned, bending at the waist and saw Joan take a step to her, concern creeping over her.

-I am fine.  
"_-You don't seem fine._"  
-Mind your own business.  
"_-Or what ? You're going to hurt us again ?_"  
-I will if you keep on. You were the one to... Do noT tempt me. Leave.  
"_-Fine, but don't blame me for trying to help._"

Joan turned her heels and left the room without a look, leaving the Governor alone, trying to regain her composure. She fought back tears, trying to hum a melody, but the more she tried, the louder the laughs echoed, the more she felt the pain in her lower belly.  
Alice was attending to Frannie who was resting on the couch, her wrist slightly red. She had tried to grab a heavy book that ended falling on her, causing an bruise to slowly make it's way.

-Alright, you stay here with the ice on your wrist. I have to go back up. Can I trust you will stay on this couch ?  
-Yes Mom...  
-Good girl, I'll be back.

Alice left the living room, climbing the stairs, taking her time. She reach the bathroom's door and stopped her hand on the handle. She listened for a few seconds, squinting, hearing sobs, muffled with pained cries and opened the door, seeing the woman seated on the bottom of the bathtub water unceremously dripping down her body. Alice walked closer to the older woman, turning off the tap.

-Joan, are you alright ?

Alice looked at the woman, and heard her muttering through her sobs. She walked closer, stepping in the bathtub, sitting down next to the older woman.

-Where is Joan ?  
-Leave me, alone.  
-I don't have to answer to you.

The Governor pushed her hair away from her face, tears streaming down her face.

-You'll hurt her, just like they all do. You want to for her to remember. I won'T let that happen.

Alice was about to leave, when she heard a muffled cry, she turned her head, seeing the muscles on her face tense, trying to remind herself that even though it wasn't Joan, it was still her body. And she had promised to protect her. So she sat back down wrapping her arms around Joan's body, feeling the Governor tense and try to get out of the embrace.

-Don't fight it. I'm doing this for her. Just take it.

The Governor scoffed and closed her eyes, clutching onto Alice's shirt, trying to catch her breath. The memories kept on for a few minutes before Alice felt her hands being moved. She looked to her left and saw the Governor wipe the tears from her face turning on the stream of water again, splashing on Alice, drenching her clothes even more. She looked up and recognized the satisfied smile on her lips. Alice stood up without a word and opened the curtain, taking off her clothes, rubbing herself dry. She heard the russle of the curtain again and the Governor took a towel from the rack, wrapping it around her body, her eyes leaving fire trails on Alice's skin.

-Seeing something you like ?

Alice turned to face the woman completely naked, she saw the Governor's eyes roaming over her body, her nostrils flairing. The younger woman faked a smile, handing her clothes, while she got dressed quickly.

-Get dressed. I don't want you parading like this in front of our daughter. And I expect Joan to be back by the time you come out.

The brunette turned her back on the woman, coming out of the room, leaving the Governor standing in the middle, pain washing over her, which she would have seen had she turned her head one last time.

* * * * *

Frannie was bending forward, a pencil in her hand, her eyes focussed on her homework under the watchful gaze of Joan who felt a smirk make its way on the corner of her lips. Vera was right, her facial expressions were very much like Alice's, she had a twinkle in her eyes, the same Alice had when something made her feel particularly happy. She wished this moment could last forever. But the doorbell rang, and she turned, cocking her head toward the entrance upon hearing Alice walk down the stairs. Alice gave her a small smile, before gazing at her daughter, she turned to the door and opened it wide enough for the pram to pass.

-Vera ! Please, come in. Oh hello you, aren't you precious ?  
-Well, she screamed the house down, didn't she ? Right, didn't you ? Hi Alice. Where are they ?  
-In the living room, come with me.

Vera followed Alice to the entrance of the living room and Joan straightened on the couch, while Vera seemed to be smiling at her. Alice cleared her throat and Frannie looked up in her direction, her eyes wide open when she saw the pram. She stood up, rushing near them, bending over to see Grace.

-Easy young lady, where are your manners ?

Frannie looked up at her mother before gazing at Vera.

-Hello Ve !  
-Hi Frannie, what were you doing ?  
-Homework.  
-Are you finished yet ?  
-Nearly, I've done more complicated. Hey Gracie !

Grace cooed and Frannie suddenly left their side, walking towards the couch, taking Joan's scarred hand in hers, trying to get her to stand, successfully.

-Ve that's Joan, my Mama. Mama that's Vera, Mom's friend, they work together too.

Both women were staring at each other, understanding that Frannie had no idea they knew each other, nor what had happened recently at her house. Vera refrained from taking out her hand, she remembered very well how Joan had reacted to her Hepatitis C, not that it meant much anymore. But she didn't want to start this new beginning on unstable grounds. Plus she saw the bandages on her hand from when the Governor had shattered the mirror, causing her to refrain a frown. Joan, on the other hand, had realized something had gripped Vera's mind. She hadn't forgotten all that she had done, all that she had said. Nor the Hepatitis C, for which last she had checked, was still her fault if one was to listen to Vera. But her phone call came back in mind, she knew she had not seen Vera's face when she had told her all of these things. But something in her wanted to believe she told her the truth. Because she did tell the truth when she had claimed not wanting to hurt them. So in an act of good faith, she raised her bandaged hand between them, looking into Vera's eyes.

-Its a pleasure meeting you Vera. I've heard heaps about you.

Vera looked down at her hand, a brow raised, before looking up at her. A soft smile took place on her lips, soon mirrored by Joan as she also raised her hand to shake hers as gently as she could.

-So did I, nice to meet you, Joan.

Alice had not said a thing since both women had seen each other, and so far the interaction had left her feeling a sense of pride as to how they both had handled things. She lifted a hand to Joan's back, slowly rubbing circles while Frannie tucked her sleeve.

-Mama, this is Gracie, that's Ve's daughter ! Look how pretty she is !

At this Joan looked down, not getting any closer, the reason written all over her face. She felt Frannie tug her sleeve again and stepped forward, gazing down at the little girl laying in her pram. Grace tried catching Frannie's fingers with her own until her eyes fell on Joan, they stared at each other for a minute and Grace smiled, her laugh echoing through the house. Joan felt a tear threaten to escape and wiped it away, looking back up.

-She's beautiful.  
-She seems to have taken an interest in you, look. Remarked Alice.

Joan glanced at the girl and saw that she was still looking up at her, her head slightly tilted on the side, a bright smile on her face. Vera's gaze alternated between Joan and her daughter, intrigued, yet smiling. So far, everything was going well. If only it could stay like that...

* * * * *

-That's the street, yeah turn there.  
-You're sure ?  
-Of course, I'm sure, look the GPS says so.  
-If the GPS says so then who am I to question it.

Franky faced Bridget who had an "innocent" smile plastered on her lips, her eyes fixed on the road.

-Very witty, Gidge. Come on, we're nearly there.  
-Well if I'd thought I'd ever see this day come.  
-What day ?  
-The day you're worried about being late and eager to see Joan.  
-What... I'm not... I'm just... Ugh, just drive.  
-Are you nervous ?

Franky scoffed, turning her gaze to the blonde.

-Me ? Nervous ? What on earth for ?  
-Well, we're about to walk inside Alice's home, and we're also about to see Joan for the first time in what felt like a long time.  
-I'm not afraid of her !  
-I know Franky, but it can be overwhelming meeting someone you haven't seen in years, especially someone like Joan. You two have a history.  
-I promise I won't touch her, said Franky mocking the blonde.  
-Franky, I'm serious, what we're doing is dangerous, even more so illegal..  
-As if that'd stop us !  
-Don't mention it... You don't have to come, you know that don't you ?  
-Just drive Gidge !

Franky smiled at the blonde who rolled her eyes, she recognized Vera's car and looked at the GPS, pointing at the house.

-It's there.  
-Seems like Vera's already there.  
-Just park behind her...

Bridget looked into her rearviews then slowed down the car, parking behind Vera. She turned off the engine before looking at Franky, her gaze slowy going to the door.

-You okay ?  
-I shouldn't be here...

The brunette looked at Bridget her brows furrowed.

-What do you mean ?  
-I'll never be able to take back what I've done...  
-Neither can she, that's the point. None of use can. You thought you were right..  
-So was she Franky... She was she... I'm just... It's just I wonder.  
-Wonder about what ?  
-How things would have gone if I had actually tried to help her... Alice is right you know, I'm used to dealing with people like them.  
-Hey ! Don't bail on me now, we'll both walk that door and see what it gives okay ? Gidge ?

Bridget gazed back at her girlfriend, nodding ernergetically, undoing her seatbelt.

-Alright let's go. The sooner we do this, the sooner we can get home.


	31. Chapter 31

Alice heard knocks and turned toward the door, while Joan and Vera stopped talking all of a sudden. Joan felt a lump form in her throat, and she straightened her back, standing at her full height. Alice glanced at the two women before opening the door, seeing Bridget and Franky standing on the threshold.

-Hi.  
-Hello Alice.  
-Franky.  
-Finally got my name right, she answered teasingly.  
-Please, come in.

Alice moved aside, letting the two women enter her home, closing the door behind them. She turned and saw both Bridget and Franky stare at Joan, their expressions indescribable, while Vera's eyes were alternating between everyone present. Bridget swallowed with some difficulty, trying to keep her eyes on the woman she used to despise seeing her injured hand, the little girl clinging to her, she cleared her throat, nodding in her direction.

-Joan.  
-Miss Westfall.  
-Hi, Bridget!  
-Hello Frannie, how are you ?  
-Good thank you. Mama that's Bridget, she works with Mom.  
-She doesn't know, inquired Bridget.  
-Mama and Bridget worked together a while ago. Informed Alice.  
-That's great ! Does that mean everybody knows each other ? Asked Frannie.  
-Yes, that's exactly what it means.

Bridget shifted her glance towards Franky who seemed to be judging Joan, her eyes taking in every single detail in front of her, making Alice sigh in exasperation. Vera felt the tension rise, glancing between Joan and Doyle and placed a hand on Frannie's shoulder, causing her to turn to meet her eyes.

-Why don't you come with me and Grace, we'll sit in the living room. You'll be able to show me what you were doing.

Frannie clutched tighter onto Joan, making Alice smile and the two strangers shift gaze a little. The interaction stunning them at first. Franky took a step forward to reduce the distance between them, her face serious and Joan lifted Frannie to hold her in her arms, the little girl circling her mother's neck with her own, clearly feeling threatened. That caused the brunette to stop in her track, the cogs visible to everyone here.

-Ferguson.  
-Doyle.  
-Mama, who's that ?

Joan's jaw tightened considerably, remembering the last time she had seen Franky, she took a deep breath before tightening her arms around her daughter.

-It's Francesca Doyle.  
-But you can call me Franky, munchkin.  
-What's that ?  
-That's because you're a kiddo. You're teeny tiny.  
-I'm not you are, said Frannie giggling.  
-Oh, you wound me munchkin. Answered Franky clutching her chest dramatically.

Vera smiled at the interaction, knowing fully well how good Franky was with kids. Her little sister and Grace being living proof of that. She shared a look with Bridget clearly not having expected that, and glanced at Alice who seemed in deep thoughts, snapping out of them just as quickly.

-Why don't we go into the living room ? We'll all be more comfortable.

Everyone nodded but Joan took hold of Alice's hand, making her turn.

-What is it ?  
-I... I want, hum... _I need_ to talk to Vera.

Franky and Bridget shared a look before glancing at Vera who seemed surprised by her words. Joan looked at Frannie resting on her hip and tried to pass her to Alice, but she tightened her grip around her neck.

-Otpustit'.(Let go.)

Frannie nodded negatively, and Joan looked at Alice before rubbing her injured hand on her back, causing her to frown a bit.

-Eto normal'no...(It's okay...)  
-YA khochu ostat'sya s toboy...(I want to stay with you...)  
-Frannie.

Joan shot a side glance at Alice who sighed and nodded, she was a long way from understanding the need to bond, especially as it concerned her daughter.

-YA nikuda ne poydu. YA prosto khochu, chtoby imet' razgovor s Vera.(I'm not going anywhere. I'm just going to have a conversation with Vera.)  
-Vy obeshchayete ?(Do you promise ?)  
-Da, ya obeshchayu. Moya detka... Eto deystvitel'no vazhno. I kogda ya zakonchu, ya vernus', chtoby derzhat' vas. Eto khorosho s vami ?(Yes, I promise. My baby girl... It's really important. And when I'm done, I'll come back to hold you. Is that alright with you ?)

Frannie seemed to consider what she'd been told under the watchful eyes of everyone, adding onto that the clear surprise of both Bridget and Franky upon seeing this side of Joan they had never seen before. The older woman kept on stroking her back, sometimes smoothing her hair until she felt her daughter lift her head from the crest of her neck.

-Is that alright with you ?

Frannie nodded, and Joan walked towards Alice, passing her daughter into her arms, glancing at Vera, her eyes falling inevitably on the floor.

-You can go to my Office, you both know where it is. We'll wait for you so take as long as you need.

Joan nodded, gazing up at Vera, who seemed to be gathering herself.

-Hum... Follow me ?

Vera breathed out, glancing at Bridget and Franky, before looking at Alice and then Grace.

-Don't worry, between the three of us, we can manage. Go.

She nodded before climbing the steps of the stairs one by one, feeling her tension rising within her bones. Today was the day.

* * * * *

Joan opened the heavy door leading to the office and moved aside, letting Vera enter, closing the door after them, causing Vera to turn to her, her arms resting along her thighs. She could see the emotions flying freely on her face, though Vera suspected it wasn't going to last long. She took the time to look at her now that they were alone, and saw how much the once powerhouse of a woman changed. Her hair was much grayer than it used to be, and she was indeed much thinner, but not enough for her clothes to hang around loosely around her body. There were no scars to be seen on her neck, which surprised her at first, Vera glanced at her scarred hand and saw how badly it had been treated, the scars visible to all. She trailed her eyes to her other hand, clutching her jaw as she saw the bandage wrapped around her hand.

-I should have, uh... I should have asked if it was alright... If...  
-What ?

Joan looked up, seemingly looking for her words.

-Are you, comfortable, being alone with me ? I should have asked before anything really...  
-What did you want to talk about ?

Vera knew exactly what they were going to talk about, she could feel it in her bones. The time had come to come clean and own up everything that had transpired between them, the good like the bad. Joan on the other hand, while she knew the things she had come to say, and the point she wanted to get across, felt her creeping at the back of her mind. She couldn't let her take over today, not now. Not with Vera in the room. Never again. She felt a pang of hurt wash through her as soon as the thought entered her mind, making her furrow her brows. Why was _she_ hurt ?

-I, uh... I don't know where to start...

The shorter woman nodded, where to even begin ? So many things had happened between them, good, bad, and to think it all started from a setup.

-" _Might as well start with the difficult subjects, thought Vera._"  
-Joan I... What happened..  
-Vera..  
-No. Listen. I didn't know. That night when Will...

Joan swallowed, looking down, she had been angry to have been played that easily, they both had been. Then the photo Brenda showed her. She had truly believed at first Vera would have been part of such a plan, until she remembered how she dealt with Gambaro and her mother. She had done the deed, she was present, the other person could see her. But Will and Jake were not made of the same steel.

-I only learned it months after it happened. I would have never allowed that, never.  
-You kept their secret. Officers came to you, and you went with their story.  
-Will is my friend. I..  
-And he buried me alive !  
-Jake was going to move against both of us. I didn't have a choice. I was scared and trying to protect myself.  
-Why do you think I did some of the things I did ?! Joan took a deep breath, her eyes locked into Vera's, At first I... I thought you had been part of it, doing this.  
-At first ?  
-I figured if you were to, take part of this, you'd be here and gloat, or make yourself known, like with Gambaro or your mother. You'd have wanted to be seen.

Vera's lips parted, Joan was quite right, yet again. She had thought about it and had voiced it once, but saying it and doing it, or even seeing it were very different things. And Vera had proven to everyone, including herself, that no matter how much bad blood had been shed between them, she'd care, she'd save her. They both were looking at each other, breathing heavily, not quite sure how to have this conversation, ideas rushing in their brains, hatred feeling so far now.

-I hated you, with every fiber of my being.

Joan gulped, her brows twitching, looking at Vera with sorry eyes.

-When you... Slapped me, I hadn't done anything to you but stand by your side, regardless of how unethical or dodgy your actions were. You believed Fletch, over me. Me. Not Linda, not Will, me.  
-I wasn't... I...  
"_-You cannot trust her._"

Joan looked to her right, seated on Alice's chair, her back resting comfortably on the back of the chair, her eyes hard.

" _-Keep talking and she'll hurt you again._ "

Joan looked away, glancing back at Vera, who had been searching her eyes.

-I wasn't in the right... I thought you'd do it because...  
-I was set up. I thought you'd figure it out.  
-I wasn't thinking straight, I thought, after everything that had happened, you getting closer to Miss Westfall, everything, I just...  
-Bea and Fletch set me up. Well, Bea did.  
-What ??

At this, both the Governor and Joan looked at Vera oddly, the Governor standing straight on her chair, her brows furrowed.

" _-Ask her. Now._"  
-What do you mean ?  
-Fletch and Bea plastered these pictures, of Jianna. They changed the swipe card number with my own. I wasn't even on duty that night. Fletch was. He didn't know she ws goint to let me take the fall.  
-No... No, no it's not...  
-They were trying to isolate you. By making you think I'd move against you. And I did eventually, after you slapped me.  
-But... When..  
-Does it really matter ? We both know you'd have never believed me.  
"_-You let emotions control you and look at what happened, Smith played us again._"

Joan shot a side glance at the woman seated on the chair before closing her eyes.

-You didn't believe me, just like you left me during the riot.  
-I did not..  
-Yes, you did.

The Governor scoffed, rolling her eyes, she stood up straightening her uniform, nodding disapprovingly, under the watchful eyes of Joan.

-It's not true.  
-You didn't do anything, you let them have me.  
-Alice understands her.

This stopped Vera in her tracks like a ton of bricks. Alice. She understands.

-She agreed with me. She told me you did not understand. I did... What had to be done.  
-You're right I do not understand, had it been me at your place I'd have opened the fucking gates ! But you know what ?  
-What ?!  
-I finally understood. I understood and I realized many things.  
"_-She's lying._"  
-What... What do you mean ?  
-I was your deputy, your second in command, the one you were closest to. They took me to get to you. To test you. I figured that out while reading your file and talking to Bridget. If you had shown you cared about me more than keeping order within the prison they'd have used me again, it'd have put a target on my back. Did I get it right ?

Joan nodded in disbelief, her brows furrowed, the Governor staring at Vera, waiting for any sign of manipulation she could find.

-I was scared and hurt. I contracted Hepatitis C. I could have blamed Gambaro and her Boys, and I did, in a way. Even before I knew it was Gambaro's blood. But I resented you because even if it had put a target on your back, I'd still have opened the door for you.  
-I thought... I thought they would see it was useless to harm you if they were let to believe I didn't care. I didn't know what was in the..  
-I know. But I was scared. Scared for my life. And now I have a disease for the rest of my life, and I have to be careful not to pass it on inadvertently.  
-I never meant for that to happen... You have no idea what it was like to see them hold onto you, see that syringe aimed at your neck. She... I didn't know what to do, I wanted to go to you, but I didn't want them to know and hurt you again. She took the decision...  
"_-You asked for my help._"  
-I also know why you took off your hand.  
-I have..  
-OCD, I know.  
"_-She's lying to us. If she did know, she'd never have behaved that way. She's trying to trick us._"  
-No, she's not.

The older woman closed her mouth, tight-lipped, looking down, not meeting Vera's eyes afraid of what she might find there. Albeit known to her, Vera looked at Joan sadly. She knew she had understood things too late because of how hurt she had been, and she had come to understand why Joan had done many of the things she had done. Because of how hurt and betrayed she had felt. Or maybe it was the Governor, Vera didn't really know at this point, and only Joan could answer those questions.

-I'm sorry. I didn't..  
-What ?

Vera furrowed her brows staring at Joan who was looking at her as if it was the first time she was seeing her.

-Why would you be ? Asked Joan.  
-I don't follow ?  
-Sorry, why ? I... I did..  
-I know what you did, I was there for most of it. But I'm sorry that I tried to understand Alice and not you. Though it was easier with Alice since she never tried to demote me, and have me traumatized. I worked with you, saw how you behaved around people, diseases however small. I was blinded by how hurt I felt. And by feeling that way, I did not see things objectively. I'm sorry about that.  
-Emotions lead to mistakes...  
-Sometimes, yes. But though emotions are a double-edged sword, we feel them whether we like it or not.  
-During our... Dinner...  
-What about it ?  
-I was... I felt hurt, I thought when I took my hand off yours. I knew I had done something unspeakable. I couldn't help it.  
-I know..  
-Let me finish. I knew I had damaged things permanently, but I thought since we worked together, you'd have understood, instead, you left and we were both hurt and I didn't go after you.  
-Did you want to ?  
-Did you expect me to ?  
-A part of me wanted that to happen, yes.  
-I was foolish not to do so...  
-Can't really change the past.  
-No, one can't do that...  
"_-Have you forgotten what she's done to us ? Look at you, crawling back to her. One soft word and you would fall to your gnees. Pathetic._"  
"_-Leave me alone._"  
"_-You're stuck with me until the day we die._"  
-Joan ? Joan, are you alright ?  
"_-She's demoted you, us. She tried to make us think we were crazy to think someone was working against us, to keep us inside our prison._"

Joan took hold of the chair next to her, her grip tightening slightly, her eyes closed, causing Vera to take a step forward, looking around even though she knew she'd see nothing. The older woman took a deep breath, trying to push her at the far back of her mind unsuccessfully, trying to come up with other things they had to deal with. Strangely enough, it was when they weren't about to discuss it or were teasing each other that the subjects flowed freely, unlike behind closed doors where they were alone with their minds and standing in front of the person they hurt the most.

-Why did you bring Grace ?  
-I wasn't going to leave her ay home alone. You can't leave a baby alone.  
-After what I nearly did, how could you bring her near me ? Why would you do that ?  
-Because I've come to understand you more. I was scared but I knew Alice wasn't going to let anything happen to Grace and I know you didn't want to hurt her.  
-Aren't you scared we could ?

Vera's lips parted but no words escaped her lips, she stood straight as a plank, while Joan's blood turned cold.

-You're afraid us.  
-Joan..  
-I shouldn't have asked you here.  
"_-She's never going to be comfortable with you, alone. Never. She's scared and she should be. She's hurt us more than most._"  
-It was a bad idea, someone should be here in case..  
-Listen to me !  
-This is not..  
-Yes, I'm terrified ! Alright, I am ! But I'm here am I not ? I have not idea how you're going to react, if she's going to jump at me ! If I can trust either of you around Grace, if Alice should trust Frannie around you both ! I'm scared and I still feel hurt and I feel angry and tired ! At you, at Bridget, at your father, at her wherever she is right now, at myself ! I hated you so damn much and yet even when I thought I wanted you dead I saved your life ! You say I don't know what it felt like seeing me getting threatened and hurt ? I had to watch you with a rope around your neck, hanging from the basketball hoop, your feet nearly a meter above ground ! I had to watch you turn all shades of blue and red ! I had to watch you die ! I had to contemplate my life, my job turn to shit because you demoted me ! Of course, I'm afraid, you can lift people off the ground like they weigh nothing ! You took on four prisoners Joan ! You spent twenty years trying to bring Will down, hurt him for what happened to Jianna ! Even after he told you that it wasn't Shayne being taken away but the inmates figuring out your relationship with her that caused her death ! You used Jake to get to me ! I truly loved him and thought "hell something good could come out of this godforsaken place !" But it was just you using him ! 

Joan's jaw was hanging in the air, her eyes wide, tears shining, building up while Vera breathed heavily, her hands on her hips. She had not planned for this conversation to turn into this, but she knew they had to get it out somehow.

-You used me Joan, or her, it doesn't matter. The first time you had a drink with me you just wanted something to use against Will and Fletch, you hated them both with a passion ! You had Fletch killed, not once but twice, and twice you nearly succeeded ! You pretended Will had an affair with Bea ! And I stood by you ! I believed in what you did, I thought your way was right and I wanted to be like you !  
-You are like us, whether you like it or not.  
-Do not take that voice with me. I'm not like you.  
-You were always in denial about it. You blamed me for everything, spat Joan, Pushing Gambaro down the stairs and blaming it on the woman about to lose everything and whom everyone is suspecting, I didn't think you had it in you. But after all, you killed your mother.  
-Yes, and I was the one to let Bea Smith out in no man's land.

Joan's lips parted and closed repeatedly, her eyes never leaving Vera who shed a tear against her will.

-I'm sorry alright I... I.. She told me she wanted to get a confession out of you and I believed her. Again ! She used me, again !  
-Stop talking.  
-No, I have to..  
-Shut up.

Vera looked up at the older woman seeing her tense, her hands balled into fists, her brows furrowed, her eyes now tightly closed, her nose twitching.

" _-She deserves to pay for this !_"  
"_-She was played._"  
"_-She's proved again she couldn't be trusted ! She is too easily manipulated._"  
"_-I won't let you harm her._"  
"_-I would love to see you try. She deserves to hurt._"  
-NO.  
-Joan ? Tried Vera.  
-She does not. Never again.  
-You're pathetic. You're worthless. You're nothing. You're such a disapointment.  
-Get out of my head.  
-She deserves to hurt.  
-Stop it.  
-She's afraid of us. She doesn't trust us. She never will.

Joan smacked her cheek several times before hissing, holding her bandaged hand to her chest, causing Vera to take a step back instinctively.

-She hates me, doesn't she ? She's the one who wants to hurt me.

The Governor turned to Vera, an eyebrow raised, her nostrils flaring, anger painted on her face. She walked toward Joan and the later could feel anger rise within her chest, and hurt, and disappointment.

-Alice.

Vera looked lost upon hearing her friend's name.

-I need Alice.  
-Why ?  
-Call Alice.  
-No, we can deal with this together.  
-Can we really ?!

The younger woman jumped slightly as she had not expected Joan's voice to come out as strongly. She saw the tears she seemed to have held fall freely on her cheeks.

-I wanted for you to hurt ! 

Joan gripped the chair as if to hold something, someone in, she took a deep breath but her voice remained unchanged.

-You misunderstood my actions ! You demoted me and conspired with Miss Westfall ! I trusted you ! I mentored you because I knew if you stayed the way you were you'd be eaten alive ! I thought you understood ! I wanted you to hurt as much as I did ! You say you're happy I'm alive, how could you when I made your life a living hell and you tried to keep me within the walls of Wentworth ?! I cared ! I told you so ! I was going to tell you so much more during that dinner ! I was right, someone was drawing a wedge between us, and I didn't see it soon enough ! If I had, none of this would have happened ! I used Jake against you because he was easy, too easy, and in need of money because of his drug businesses ! He was a proxy to me ! Everything he did, we told him to do. Everything ! And you said unspeakable things and were blind to the obvious !  
-What on earth are you talking about ??!  
"_-Enough._"  
-I trusted you to understand. Even Jake did ! You just had to look at the cameras. That's why I sent it to you.

Vera's voice died at the back of her throat, thinking for a mere second before images of Joan in the strip search room flashed before her eyes, feeling her palms sweating more than they ever had.

-You asked me and I told you in a way that would not be considered lagging. But you were always lacking acuity. That's why it was so easy to bring you down.  
-You're not Joan...

Vera looked wearily at the person in front of her, her eyes looking up and down taking in the sight of the woman whose demeanor had changed.

-Where is Joan ?  
-Here and away.  
-What ?  
-You don't care. You never have.  
-You think if I didn't care I would have saved her life ?  
-There is worse than death.  
-I had to give her CPR ! She died ! Her heart had stopped !

The Governor gritted her teeth, her nose twitching. She remembered it clear as day, they had lost their temper and it had cost them their life. And she had been beyond surprised to see the hovering figure of Vera, with what seemed to be a relieved smile as Joan gasped for air. The Governor scoffed, raising an eyebrow.

-You think because you read a file and you hear people talking about us that that's it, you know us. That you understand. But you know nothing. She doesn't know anything.  
-You make no sense. And my business is with Joan.  
-I am Joan just as much as she is. But you never wanted all of her, just the part which looked vulnerable, weak. the part of her that looked pristine. You don't understand how she works.

The Governor slowly walked to Vera.

-You liked to being ordered around, listening to what I had to say, drinking my every word. All my praises..  
-Because I trusted her. I believed in her and you..

The Governor closed her eyes and turned away, her back facing Vera, mumbling to herself.

" _-She'll never understand._"  
"_-Don't hurt Vera. I wanted to talk about things to finally let go of them. At least let me have that !_"  
-No. No one cares. She doesn't. Never has.  
-I know about Gambaro. I figured it out and made Linda admit it. I figured why she sent me the tongue. Gambaro and her Boys were the ones to do this, and Gambaro was the one responsible for my Hepatitis C. It was about payback.  
-I should have killed her. But cutting her tongue sent a message. They knew what we were capable of.  
-They lynched her for it. She perpetuated what her father taught her and..  
-Do not finish that sentence. You know nothing about anything. You're just like the rest of them.  
-I loved her for fuck sake ! I saved her life even after she destroyed me ! I tried to keep her in protection ! I tried to have her moved interstate ! I tried !  
-No. You loved the image you had of her. The embellished figure who was walking the corridors, confident, ruling with an iron fist. Giving you compliments. Little did you know she isn't that at all.  
-She taught me everything I know ! I lied about it so she'd feel something ! I wanted to be more than friends ! I loved her and nothing will change that. I might have tried to ruin her when she tried to annihilate me, I could have let her die, I could have let her lay on the ground and watch her with the rope around her neck and do nothing ! God knows no one else was going to bring her back to life ! But no ! I did ! Because I couldn't imagine a world without her ! And I still care ! I still love her ! But I'd rather have her as a friend than anything anymore ! She has Alice who is a wonderful woman, and who understands her, who can help her ! She..  
-I am her. All of this, the teaching, was my doing.  
-She can get her to talk and help her. I cannot. I failed her, I know ! I pinned everything on her ! I was ashamed that I could be like her and dive into those dark recesses of myself ! I was afraid to turn like her ! But the more I read her file and the more I realized we were drastically opposed and yet the same. I know. I understand. I realized about Gambaro ! I realized about the dinner ! I realized about Will ! I even tried, just like I had for Fletch, to visit her at the Psychiatric Faci..

Vera felt her back hit something with a force that knocked her breath away, feeling a hand around her neck, yet not squeezing. She looked up, and her eyes fell into chocolate one, darker than she'd ever seen before.

-Do. Not. Finish. That. Sentence. Never mention that place. You gloated about it. You teased. Never. Do. That. Again.  
-Let me go.  
-You think you have us all figured out. You don't know half of the abuse.  
-I want to talk to Joan.

The Governor took her hand away as if something had burned her, a fire behind her eyes, and yet Vera could discern a profound sadness which caused her to furrow her brows. She turned her back to her again, clenching her jaw, trying to keep her breathing steady, her eyes betraying her.

" _-She'll never understand. She doesn't care._ "

The older woman felt a tear fall down and wiped it away angrily, digging her nails into her palm, trying to cast away the painful grip on her insides. 

"_-You could have hurt her ! I just wanted to talk to her !_"  
"_-She's not worth it._"  
"_-I needed it, we needed it !_"  
"_-No. We're alone. Like we've always been._"  
"_-It's not true._"  
"_They'll leave us._"  
"_-You're wrong._"  
"_-Am I now._"  
"_-No one wants you here._"  
-I know. No one ever does. No one cares.

Vera tilted her head upon hearing the words coming from the older woman and saw her body relax drastically, bringing a hand to her head, pushing her hair aside, turning to face Vera. Joan felt tears stream down her cheeks and how sore her right cheek felt. She opened her eyes and saw Vera looking at her suspiciously, Joan's eyes falling inevitably on her neck to the red mark, causing her eye to widen.

-No... No, no, no...  
-Joan ?  
-No, no, no...  
-Joan, it's alright.  
-I'm sorry... I'm sorry...

Joan fell on her knees, and Vera kneeled next to her, circling her with her arms, bringing her closer, tightening her embrace around the woman sobbing in her arms, feeling her gripping her shirt.

-Me too...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've just realized today that I've been writing this fic for 8months and posting for nearly 6months WOW I had never done that before *_*
> 
> I don't know what you think about this chapter but somehow I'm not that satisfied about how it turned out..
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked it more than me, don't hesitate to comment and leave kudos as it lets me know you guys are enjoying the story !


	32. Chapter 32

Frannie was sitting next to Grace who had been laid down in her park, smiling softly at the older girl, while Alice, Bridget and Franky were looking at them. No sound could be heard coming from upstairs which concerned the couple, but decided to trust Alice's judgement. They heard a door open and close and everyone turned to look expectedly at the bottom of the stairs. They heard steps getting closer and finally saw Vera and Joan, glancing up and down at them.

-You look rattled. Commented Franky.

Bridget was staring at Joan who seemed to have aged drastically in the span of nearly two hours, she looked exhausted, her eyes were red, and she could see shining lines on her face. Franky on the other hand tried to stay neutral, but it was proven complicated as she felt a pang of sadness twist her insides upon seeing Vera, until a detail caught her attention. Elbowing Bridget, she nodded to the women walking towards them and Alice followed their eyes. Vera had a red mark on her neck and Joan's cheek seemed to have turned two shades darker. Franky tried to stand up, her brows furrowed but Bridget held onto her hands, giving her a stern look before looking up at Joan, obviously taking in the sight of her.

-How did it go ? Did you manage to talk about what you wanted ?

Vera looked down at Alice, nodding, her eyes drifting to Joan.

-We managed.  
-Why do you look like you two fought ? Asked Franky.

Joan sighed, closing her eyes, opening them when she felt a hand take hers, turning her head toward the petite woman, who gave her a weak, albeit satisfactory smile.

-We're fine. We needed that.

Alice watched as Joan detached herself from Vera and sat on the couch next to her, sinking to her side, she kissed her forehead and saw Frannie stand up, walking towards them, causing Joan to turn and open her arms to the little girl. Frannie sat on her laps, circling her with her arms, her head resting in the crest of her neck, Joan's cheek resting on the top of her head, bringing her daughter even closer if it was possible. Alice saw tears roll down her skin and clenched her jaw, glancing at her, yet, feeling everybody's eyes on her. She knew Bridget would be interested in how she reacted to things in the confines of her home and Franky was waiting for the first fuck up even though she said she'd give them the benefice of the doubt. Vera on the other hand had gone to Grace's side nudging the little girl's cheek with her finger, glancing at everyone present, but feeling Franky stare at her neck. Alice kept her eyes on the older woman, slowly stroking her arm, hearing her take shuddering breaths.

-Why don't I go and make everyone some tea ?  
-No, Vera don't feel..  
-It's alright, Franky will help, right ?

The brunette's brows rose instantly, and she stood, giving Vera a look.

-Sure Miss Bennett.

Vera nodded and left in direction of the kitchen, Franky behind her. They both entered and Vera closed the close until it was barely open.

-What was that all about ? Started the brunette, What the fuck happened there ?  
-It's nothing. It's sorted.  
-Did you two fight ?  
-No, it's not. Doyle, we did not, things escalated, and we're both alive to tell the story.  
-What is going on here ?

Bridget entered the kitchen, her brows furrowed, a hand resting on her hip.

-When did you get that ?  
-My question exactly.

Vera sighed and rubbed her eyes.

-It's sorted. Yes, we got physical but nothing happened. It'll be gone by tomorrow.  
-Vera, who was with you ?  
-What do you mean who ? The freak that's who was with her.

Someone cleared their throat, and they all turn towards the door, their eyes falling on Alice who shot a deadly glare at Franky.

-If you want to continue enjoying the hospitality of my home, you'll watch your language. Vera are you alright ?  
-Yes for god's sake, I'm fine, nothing happened.  
-I'm asking because these last few days were rough on everyone, especially Joan, and she didn't want for her to come out.  
-Well she did.  
-What on earth are you talking about ?  
-Not now Franky. What happened Vera ?  
-We talked alright, we dealt with things our own way and yes, we got angry. And yes she was here, but nothing happened.  
-Was she the one to do that ?  
-It doesn't matter Alice.  
-Yes it does.

Bridget jumped slightly, holding onto Franky's hand, Alice saw that and took a deep cleansing breath, focussing on Vera.

-Vera, I've watch Joan deteriorate for years. I watched her and that other part of herself tear each other apart. I know what she's like and what she's capable of.  
-She held onto my neck after I said something. She didn't hurt me. I hurt her.  
-What ?

Alice furrowed her brows, confused, while Bridget glanced at Franky who was trying to make out what the rest was talking about.

-Listen, she... I admitted things to her, and Joan or the Gov, whoever she was... she just wasn't herself. What happened that would make her lose control that easily ?

All eyes were directed at Alice who breathed out, she turned and closed the door, her nose twitching before glancing into their eyes.

-She had a... Moment, this morning.  
-What do you mean ?  
-The Gov was there when she was taking a shower.

Both Vera and Bridget's blood turned cold and it took all their might not to turn to look at each other.

-I don't know why yet, but it wasn't Joan, it was the Governor. In the same fashion as when she smashed that mirror the other day.  
-Did she say anything, inquired Bridget.  
-Only muttering that I couldn't make out. She was bratty as well, but I can't say I'm surprised.  
-So what she was sobbing in the shower ? Gonna have to do better than that.

Franky barely had finished her sentence that Alice was merely centimetres away from her.

-Because you didn't see the display of affection towards our daughter ? You didn't the tears she shed in front of everyone, though I know she didn't want to shed them in front of you. To give you cause to taunt her. Whoever it was this morning was sobbing on the floor, in my tub. Clearly something happened that I don't know about. And given it was the Governor there, I would bet whatever you want, it must be something awful given she told me we wanted for Joan to remember and she wasn't going to let that happen.  
-I don't even know what the fuck you're saying. What Gov ?  
-Joan's... She might have a personality disorder, explained Bridget, her arms crossed.

Franky's jaw hanged ajar and she looked at Alice and Vera who nodded sadly.

-Fuck... Are you fucking serious ???  
-Yes.  
-She's fucked up.  
-You're right. She is. And you all made it worse.  
-She's killed people !  
-So did you Doyle when you were Top Dog, do not play that game with me.  
-Everyone calm down. We don't need that.

Alice glanced at Vera stepping back, gritting her teeth.

-All that to say, Joan has a dissociative identity disorder and the Governor is part of her. They both exist, well, co-exist in the same body.  
-Is that even possible ??  
-Yes, as proven by Joan's presence here and the Governor throughout the day.  
-What does it mean then ?  
-It means.

All eyes turned to Alice once again.

-That when you were dealing with Joan at Wentworth, you weren't dealing exactly with her. You were dealing with a dissociated part of her that protected and bullied her. The part that you'd call both a protector and persecutor. See Joan as a little girl who can express herself but is restrained by the Governor.  
-Most everything that happened were the Governor's doing, not Joan's per se.  
-And they're in the same body ?? Asked Franky again incredulous.

Vera nodded and Franky glanced at Bridget who gave her a sympathetic smile.

-Fucking hell, I'm glad I went into Law and not Psychology.

* * * * *

Joan was seated on the couch, Frannie still resting on top of her, her eyes closed, her hands resting Joan's collarbone. The older woman was trying to calm her breathing, feeling a tear escaoe her from time to time. Everyone had gone into the kitchen and though she did feel left out she was glad for the calm and aloness. But in spite of that, she knew the Governor was here, watching, her hands clapsed in front of her, she met her eyes and nothing struck her on her face. Only she didn't need to see it to feel it, it was felt within her ribcage. Pain, sorrow, anger, jealousy. Joan srunched her brows, tilting her head on the side, but the woman in uniform stayed unwavering, though her eyes did trail down to the girl close to her and Joan felt a bit dizzy, feeling her hand gently caress the ebony tresses of her daughter. When the feeling stopped and she looked up she realized the Governor was seated on the chair next to the sofa on which Joan was seated, her eyes alternating between them and looking at Grace, suppressing a smile to curl her lips.

* * * * *

-Listen I get it, she's crazy what's new here. But what I don't get is how ???  
-There needs to be repeated trauma, rather subsequent trauma for that to happen.  
-Which doesn't make her crazy, but traumatized. A little girl who wants to stay safe.

Franky's eyes widened, her lips parting ever so slightly, turning to look at Bridget who took a step towards her.

-What is it ?  
-She said that.  
-Franky, full sentences, please ?  
-Ferguson or who the fuck she is. She told me that when she was Governor.  
-Who was she talking about when she said that ?  
-Me, I had no idea how she knew that, most of it wasn't even in my files. She said stuff like that several times.  
-Can you remember anything else ?  
-Said to me ? No. But she did try to reunite Liz and her daughter.

Vera turned to Alice, expectantly, while the couple furrowed their brows.

-What did I say ?  
-Joan... Her mother. It's complicated.  
-I've got time.

Aliced sighed and nodded, bored.

-No one knows what happened to her mother.  
-What do you mean "no one knows" ?  
-She vanished. Joan doesn't remember much except a few nice memories and that's it. After a specific date there is nothing.  
-Just like that, said Franky snapping her fingers, Nothing ?  
-Yes, now was there anything else ?  
-I don't know alright. She spoke of the greater good at all time, spoke of keeping drugs out, mentionned the animal within, not being who we think we are, how rehabilitation is a sham, these sorts of things.  
-She did say things. During the... Lynching...  
-What did she say ?  
-I can't remember exactly, but now that I think of it and given all I've learned I don't think it was aimed at the women, directly.  
-What, do you think she aimed it at herself ? Asked Bridget incredulously.  
-It would make sense. Her life was threatened, Joan was trying to sympathize and the Governor lost it.  
-It could be the case, wouldn't be the first time looking back at her time as actual Governor and inmate.

Alice's brain felt like it was fuming, trying to store all information given to her into cases. If she couldn't interact with the Governor they were never going to move forward or see any change. Joan alone couldn't do that, and forcing either she or the Governor was going to make things worse than they already were. And she wasn't the only one trying to wrap her head around all of this, Franky was still feeling a little bit left out, and lost given the amount of information throw at her quickly while Bridget and Vera shared a look, clearly understanding what this morning was about and couldn't help but feel a pang of hurt bloom in their chest. Suddenly Franky turned towards the door surprising most everyone.

-What ?  
-Hum... We're all here, right ?  
-Yes, why ?  
-If we're all here, who's with Ferguson and the kids ?

Vera left the kitchen before anyone had the time to move and stopped in her tracks when she arrived at the opening of the living room, looking directly in front of her. Alice, Bridget and Franky arrived quickly behind her, trying not to make too much sound, their eyes locked on the woman standing in the room.  
Joan was holding Grace, a gentle finger caressing her blond hair, seemingly unware she now had an audience, while Frannie was seated on the couch her homework on her laps, glancing at her mother from time to time.

-Such a little thing...

Vera watched as the older woman was cradling her daughter and took a step forward before feeling someone hold tightly onto her arm, making her turn to face Alice, her face serious, her eyes locked on Joan.

-Wait.

She looked back to the woman, feeling a hand on her shoulder, seeing Bridget smile from the corner of her eye.

-No one has to pretend with you, do they ? They can just be themselves, and tell you everything. You'd never be able to tell would you ? You'll never grow to be like me. It's better that way. You're loved, I never was, never will be. I would have never hurt you, I hope you do know that. I could have tried a thousand times but... 

Joan cleared her throat, adjusting the little girl in her arms.

-You don't know how lucky you are, you have a loving family, I never knew that. I... I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. You have a mother. I can't even remember own... It feels as though she never existed. But you won't have that, never. I promise you. You don't seem to resent me... I'd hate myself if I had been at your place. You don't seem to mind my emotions, they feel so wrong to me.

Grace lifted a hand towards her face and Joan took it in hers kissing it lightly.

-You don't judge me, do you ? You just give unconditionnal love... I don't have to pretend with you. I don't have to hide myself... Don't have to hide how I feel...

She took a shuddering breath, letting herself feel freely, though she wouldn't had she known she was watched.

-I'm tired. Exhausted. I... Don't know if I'll be able to do this much longer...

The group at the back heard the older woman sniffle, and clear her throat a second time.

-YA odinok. Oni ne ponimayut. YA ne dumayu, chto oni kogda-libo budut. Pochemu ya zdes', pochemu ya derzhu veshchi. YA vsegda tot, kto ostalsya pozadi. Tot, kto dolzhen prinyat' trudnyye resheniya. Tot ostavlen, chtoby zabrat' kusochki, v protivnom sluchaye my razvalivayemsya. My byli malen'koy devochkoy, kak ty odnazhdy... YA obeshchayu vam, vy nikogda ne budete bol'ny, kak budto my. (I'm alone. They don't understand. I don't think they ever will. Why I'm here, why I hold onto things. I'm always the one being left behind. The one who has to take the hard decisions. The one left to pick up the pieces, otherwise we fall apart. We were a little girl like you once... I promise you, you'll never be hurt like we were.)

Vera held her breath, her eyes watering, a lump forming in her throat. She turned to face both Bridget and Franky and saw the pained expression they both had though Franky tried to hide it the best she could. Bridget had not understood everything that had been said but for her, it was enough. Enough evidences proving her wrong once and for all. Proving the woman in front of her was capable of feeling things deeply. Evidences of how excruciating it must be to live like that and have everyone against you.  
Alice on the other hand, felt her lips part, her eyes widening ever so slightly. Listening to the Governor's words echoing in within the confines of her skull. She knew no one had realized that it was in fact her speaking to Grace, and Alice had had to fight the urge to wrench the girl from her arms, until her words hit her deep.  
Joan had been watching the whole thing, albeit known to her that they were being watched either, she was standing by the Governor keeping a certain distance between them until she saw her glance her way and something resembling an attempt at a genuine smile on her lips. Joan took a fews steps forward and looked down at the little girl in their arms, smiling softly, laying a hand on the Governor's arm who went back at stroking the girl's soft cheek, under the caring yet watchful eyes of Joan who kept having thoughts popping in her mind, unaware of the reason for the sudden change and desire to say these things to Vera's daughter, but she wasn't going to complain if she could grasp any information and understand what this all meant better, she was going to let her talk to Grace as much as she wanted.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small chapter I know, yet another flashback ! (more like a filler which I think I could have done better)  
> I'll get back to writing this slowly aha, cause I haven't written in a while, quite a lot of things going on :/

Joan woke up with a gasp, sitting upright, her hand resting on her forehead, her eyes closed. She had not been sleeping well as of late, the new member of their family waking them every 3 to 4 hours.  
In the beginning, Joan woke up every time she heard the little girl giggle or scream, sometimes even when there was only silence. She could vividly remember waking up and rushing to her daughter to see if she was still breathing and how tears had welled up in the corners of her eyes when she saw the minuscule being sleeping soundly in her crib.

But now it was a completely different affair which had woken her up, she has woken up from a nightmarish dream. In her dream, her father tried to hurt the little girl; Tried to wrench her from Joan's arms. At some point, she was the one doing the hurting albeit without her wanting to, sometimes it was the rejection the baby would have that hurt her deeply, always bringing tears to her eyes. Then, she had seen Alice, her face blank and her hands bloody, people around her, laying on the floor a pool of blood firming around them, their eyes void of emotions. She had seen Alice cradling the baby, a sinister smile making its way on her lips as her blood turned cold. That was when she woke up.

And now she was breathing heavily, her eyes darting around and stopped altogether when she realized she was alone. She got up from the bed, not bothering to put on her robe, she looked down at the crib and was met with emptiness. Her blood turned cold, and she left her bedroom going downstairs, all her senses in alert, trying to catch even the smallest sounds. She heard giggling and turned to the door leading to the backyard. She rushed to the door and stopped after she had opened the door, her whole body relaxing drastically.

Alice was holding Frannie close to her chest, pointing at some flowers and seemingly explaining to the baby their names and proprieties. Joan exhaled, brushing her hair away from her face, watching as the two most important persons in life were gently strolling down the garden. Until Alice halted, bringing her hand out, and a butterfly landed on one of her fingers, showing it to her daughter. The butterfly moved on the little girl's hand, and Joan suppressed a gasp as she saw her daughter still as she had ever seen her before, her big round chocolate eyes taking in the insect looking at her, rubbing its antennas.

Suddenly, Joan felt very ashamed to have let her insecurities, albeit valid, take the best of her. The older woman closed the door very gently as to not make herself known and climbed the stairs two by two, entering her bedroom and closing the door behind her. She rubbed her hands together, trying to shut her mind and her father's voice, mumbling to herself that everything was alright, that there was no reason for her to feel anxious nor scared. Her father couldn't hurt her daughter, and Alice had made tremendous progress.  
The older woman sighed, going back between the covers. The second she had settled back against the pillow, she heard footsteps getting closer, the door opened and Alice walked inside the room, the little girl's eyes darting around, her big round eyes shinning a little.

-We were in the backyard, she woke up half an hour ago and now this little girl seems to be hungry.

Alice smiled at the baby in her arms before looking up at the older woman, seeing a smile grace her lips as well. The younger woman sat back on the bed, careful as to not jostle her. Joan took the little girl in her arms, lifting the hem of her shirt above her left breast, letting Frannie muzzle the stiff bud before wrapping her lips around it. Alice had climbed onto the bed and sat down next to the two most important people in her life, staring at the action.

-How does it feel ?

Joan looked down at the younger woman before looking at the little girl resting in her arms, her brows furrowing slightly, feeling words failing her.

-I don't know... It's like a... Pulling sensation. Different from when you do it.

At this, Alice scoffed, a genuine smile making its way to her lips. Joan stared at Alice, her thoughts drifting away to how scared her dream had made her, how her thoughts had decided to creep out. She swallowed hard and sighed, looking down.

-Would you... Would you ever, I mean...  
-Would I what ?

Joan looked up at Alice catching on her intrigued expression, feeling her heart beat faster nonetheless.

-Would you ever hurt us ?

Alice wasn't taken off guard by the question, she'd have figured she was going to ask something along those lines, it hadn't happened yet, so she waited, knowing perfectly well she wasn't the one who had to bring it up. The older woman, on the other hand, felt her insecurities creep up again upon asking. Alice's silence adding to that.

-I'm sorry... I shouldn't have..  
-Don't be. You're right to bring it up as it's a valid concern.

Joan felt a weight being lifted off her shoulders, watching as Alice took her hand in hers.

-You know what I've done, and frankly, I was waiting for you to ask me this much sooner. But I understand who you're asking that. I... I haven't hurt anyone in a long time, nor used people for my own gain. I can even say I feel more than I used to. Which isn't always easy to wrap my head around. And I still struggle with empathy, but regarding your concerns. No. I would never hurt you, either of you. And I'd let nobody hurt either of you as well. Ok ? It's my job to protect you.

-I know it's just..  
-I know, I know. But aside from what I've done, try to not project on it. It will only hurt you, or make you paranoid. I can promise to do my best if my best is enough.

Alice cupped Joan's cheek, gently trailing a finger on her skin, she gazed into her eyes before lying down next to her, her head resting on her shoulder, while Joan's heart settled back into a steady rhythm.


	34. Chapter 34

Alice and Vera were walking down the corridor, talking about the new programs the Board and herself would like to present to the inmates; Touching wider fields when it came down to jobs or studies. They passed medical, not looking around until someone planted themselves in front of them. The two friends looked up, one skeptical and the other impassive.

-So, you're still here.  
-Good morning Allie.  
-Move aside Novak.

The blonde smirked, taking a step forward, her arms crossed on her chest.

-I know what you've done.  
-Now what on earth are you rambling on about ?  
-I know things about you. Things you've done, quite a long time ago...

Vera furrowed her brows, casting a side glance to her friend who smiled, letting it reach her eyes.

-It doesn't look good if you're asking me. Added Allie  
-Do you want to go to the slot, Novak ?  
-No need, Vera. After all, Allie hasn't said anything, has she ? No, she's... Testing the waters and how much she can get away with. Now, if she does talk, I guess a consequent stay in the slot will do her some good. Don't you think ?

Alice turned to her friend, still smiling, before glancing back at Allie, who seemed pleased with herself.

-Move along Novak. Commanded Vera.

The blonde scoffed, biting her lower lip before walking away in the direction of the laundry to start working. When she turned at the corner of the corridor, Vera let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding, turning fully to face Alice, who seemed to be thinking.

-What was that about ?  
-I don't know.  
-You didn't tell her anything, did you ?  
-Of course not Vera, the only session I had with her was recorded, and you know it.  
-How could she know things about you then ? It's not as if she could go on a computer, use the internet, and that's it !  
-Maybe a guard helped her. Maybe she used medical, but whatever she knows doesn't mean good things.

Vera rubbed her forehead before resting her hands on her waist, thinking. Her expression changed abruptly, and Alice tilted her head, laying a hand on her shoulder.

-What is it ?

Vera was taken out of her thoughts, staring at Alice dead in the eyes.

-What ?  
-Remember when I called you and, you know, she answered.  
-Yes ?  
-I told you Jake had dug up things about you.

Alice's face changed all of a sudden as well, shaking her head softly. She exhaled, looking at her friend, somewhat fed up.

-I see, so we can safely assume Mister Stewart was the one to tell Allie.  
-It's what makes the most sense to me. He clearly said that he had found things about you, that you had lied to everyone.  
-He also told you he didn't tell anyone.

Vera's nose twitched, turning to look away, taking a deep breath. She glanced back at her friend, clenching her jaw.

-I'll deal with that. But we need to talk to him, now.  
-Lead the way. I have my own fair share of things to say to him.

* * * * *

Will was holding his cup of coffee, his eyes lost in the void, silent. Jake glanced at him before looking down, sighing. He heard the door open and close and looked up at Alice and Vera walking towards the center of the room, while Will hadn't noticed them.

-Mister Stewart, just the person I wanted to see.

Vera was standing beside Alice, looking sternly at Jake, who looked like a fish out of water. Will snapped out of his thoughts and turned around, facing the two women.

-What's going on ?  
-Just something we need to tell Jake. Right now.

Will glanced back at his friend, his brows furrowed, trying to think about anything he could have done to deserve Vera's angry expression.

-What happened ?  
-We crossed paths with Allie Novak before coming here. And she said some pretty interesting things.

Jake swallowed thickly, his jaw clenching. He breathed out before looking up at Alice and Vera.

-Jake. You told me you didn't tell anyone.  
-What's going on ? Asked Will just as lost as he was a few moments ago.  
-What's going on, Mister Jackson, is that Mister Stewart thought it intelligent to find facts about my person and give them to Allie Novak.

Will spun on himself, staring incredulously at Jake.

-You did what ?!  
-Next time Mister Stewart, instead of going on the net, either come to me directly or read my file.  
-What the fuck, mate ?  
-You told me you didn't tell anyone, Jake. Do you realize you just put Alice in a very precarious situation ?  
-Why ? What did he tell her ?  
-Apparently, she knows what I've presumably done, meaning she knows I've been in prison, knows Joan and I were close.  
-She didn't say much she was mostly cryptic about it. She said it didn't look good for her. Explained Vera.

Everyone stared at Jake, who was growing more and more uncomfortable by the second, unable to find a good defense.

-Listen, maybe she's bluffing and won't tell anyone.  
-You better hope she' doesn't Jake, that's a sackable offense if harm's done to Alice. Why would you even do that ?!  
-She said she wanted to know more about her, didn't see any harm to that...  
-She's a prisoner, Jake.  
-Yes, so what ? Don't tell me you all didn't do something dogy for a prisoner regardless of the reason behind it.

At this, Will and Vera both glanced at each other, knowing all too well they couldn't refute that fact, while Alice stared at the three of them, an eyebrow raised.

-You three ? Are you serious ?  
-As if you never did anything dodgy while working as a psychologist in correctional centres !  
-As a matter of fact, no, I have not, thank you very much.  
-In this job, it happens at some point. Added Vera.  
-What about your morals ? Ethics ? You're supposed to be on this side of the bars because you're not like us.  
-But that's the whole point, isn't it ?

Alice looked up at Will, perplex.

-We are like you, like all of them. We just... We just haven't been caught...

Vera's eyes widened upon hearing Will's words and quickly looked back at Alice, who stayed impassive.

-All of that to say, continued Will, that what you did puts Alice at risk. If Allie even says one thing, she could cause her harm. An inmate could do something.  
-She just wanted to know to whom she was talking nothing's going to happen.  
-Allie hated Joan, and you just gave her information on someone who knew her. Use your brain, please, for once !

Alice raised her eyebrows at Vera before a tight smile made it's way to her lips, clearly enjoying Vera's growth. Will sighed, rubbing his temples before lowering his unfinished cup in the sink. He walked past Jake, not needing to utter any words of warning as it was. He walked towards Alice, stopping in front of her.

-Could we talk ? Later I mean, I need to do something right now.  
-I can wait in front of your office if you'd like ?  
-I won't be long, thanks. See you later, Vera. Alice.

Will left, Alice following closely behind him, leaving Vera and Jake alone. The petite woman placed her hands on the back of the chair, her face hard.

-Why on earth would you do that ? You know what they're like here.  
-I meant what I said, she just wanted to know with who she was dealing with.  
-And you don't think that maybe she lied to you, argued Vera, slightly raising her voice.

Jake looked at her surprised before she kept on.

-Alice is my friend, Jake. I won't have you go around and tell prisoners stuff about her that could endanger her.  
-As if you could talk.  
-I know. I can't. But Alice is my friend, and Allie is a prisoner who hated Joan with a passion. You don't think she'll try to hurt her or plan something on her ?? Are you really that obtuse ? Or is it deliberate ?  
-You're not clean either Vera, the fact she is your friend doesn't change anything. Plus, it's not as if you hadn't done worst before.  
-So what it's revenge ??? Against me ? Against Alice ? A woman you don't even know ??  
-It's done Vera, get over it.  
-I can't believe I fell head over heels for you.

Vera felt her chest become heavy, They truly had found each other. Corrupt and unapologetic. A real match in hell. Kind of like her and Joan. 

-Vera.  
-What ?!  
-Will and I went to talk to those inspectors from moths ago.  
-What for ??

Jake sighed, and Vera's blood froze, her limbs unwilling to follow orders. Jake looked around the room and stood, walking towards Vera.

-We went there to know more about who it was in the box. They didn't want to tell us at first.  
-Why ? Asked Vera as she tried to hide the tremor in her voice.  
-Because it's not normal that after all this time, they didn't tell us what the results were.  
-And what did they say ?

Jake glanced around the room and whispered in Vera's ear.

-It's not Joan in the box. 

Vera's breath hitched, her eyes widening slightly. She parted and looked up at Jake, her lips parted.

-And they're... They're sure ?  
-Positive.  
-Why didn't they tell us ??  
-Didn't want to create a panic.  
-What about Channing ?  
-He'll cope for Murphy's murder, but he's clear of Ferguson's.  
-So is Will. 

Jake nodded, staring at Vera, she brushed a strand of hair behind her ear before looking up at him.

-Not a word of this to anyone. Anyone. Do you hear me.  
-Yes.  
-Especially not Novak.  
-Okay... Okay, I get it.  
-You better. Because this new would wreak havoc on the whole prison.  
-Vera...  
-Yes ?  
-What if she comes for us ?

Vera turned her tongue seven times in her mouth, hoping her eye wouldn't betray her. If only he knew Joan had been out for long and could have gone after them and didn't. He probably wouldn't believe her anyway.

-What if she knows about Grace ? What if she tries to hurt her ? He asked with a rushed voice.  
-Joan's never hurt a child.  
-But what if she tried ?  
-She'd never do that.

Jake was taken aback by her tone and back away.

-You seem sure of that... Why ??  
-Because she helped Jianna's son when she was alive. She saved Doreen's baby. Whatever. I gotta go back to work.

Vera left the room quickly, leaving Jake behind, as he was looking at her defeated.

* * * * *

Allie lowered the steam press, a smug smile plastered on her face. Everything within the prison was working as well as one could hope for, Marie was not making any fuss, not that she'd be given much of a chance if she did. The door of the laundry opened and Allie looked up, seeing Mister Jackson enter, glancing at Linda.

-Novak, come.

Everybody looked at the blonde who nodded, turning to Boomer.

-Keep it warm 'right ?

Boomer nodded, taking the handle in her hand as Allie walked over to the governor. 

-What is it ?

Will opened the door and gestured with his head, causing Allie to furrow her brows. She left the laundry and turned when she heard the door close, seeing Will taking big steps towards her, making her step back.

-What the fuck Allie ??

The blonde shook her head, trying to understand she had been asked our of the laundry.

-Why did you do it ?  
-Do what ?  
-Why would you ask Jake for info??

At this, Allie smirked, baffling Will.

-Why on earth would you do that ???  
-Why not ?  
-Allie, Jake could get an official warning, and you could stay indefinitely in the slot.  
-I know, don't worry.  
\- What did you do that for ??  
-It's not as if you'd have let me read her files now, would you ?

Will sighed, resting his hands on his waist.

-I'll say this once, and once only, Allie. If word gets out you told someone I'll take measures.  
-Mister Jackson ?? We could finally have her where we want her.  
-Alice could get hurt physically, psychologically. Have you forgotten some of the women in this centre ?? How unbalanced they are ??

Allie raised a brow, looking around before stepping closer to Will.

-What does she have on you ?  
-Nothing. I don't let my staff get hurt because of petty revenge. It's cost enough lives.

Allie was about to talk, but Will cut her.

-No one must know about what Jake has provided you with. If word gets out, fingers will point at you as you're the only one who knows these things. And we have Jake to corroborate. Get back to work.  
-Who knows about this ??  
-Now.

Allie sworn under her breath, walking back into the room, thinking. Will glanced at her until she took hold of the stream press and left towards his office. 

* * * * *

Alice was standing in front of the governor's office, waiting. Will had been gone for a mere fifteen minutes before she heard him enter and saw him walk towards her.

-Thanks, I hope I wasn't long ?  
-Not at all, don't worry. Shall we ?

Will nodded and blocked the door, holding the door for Alice, who thanked him. He felt the apprehension rise, glancing at Alice, who tilted her head to the side.

-Was is it you wanted to talk to me about ?

Will took a deep, trying to ready himself for the dive.

-I wanted to apologize.  
-Whatever for ?  
-My behavior, ever since you first set foot here.  
-What made you change your mind ?  
-Vera, Bridget. You. The board was on my back, kept pressuring me, it was messy. I let myself succumb under the pressure. I'm sorry. It wasn't right.

Alice raised an eyebrow, surprise visible on her face for a few seconds before she nodded at the man in front of her.

-In that case, I accept your apologizes, no point in holding grudges, is there ?

-That's not the only thing I... I need to say something else.  
-Alright.

Will glanced at Alice and exhaled as he tried to rid his body of the tensions.

-I don't know how to say this.  
-My father used to say it's better to rip the band-aid off rather than let it simmer.  
-I was the one...

Alice tilted her head, as the realization of what Will was implying washed over her.

-Ferguson's escape, her... Her being buried. It was me.

Will had closed his eyes waiting for anything, yelling, punches, but none of that happened. He opened them again and saw Alice with a pained expression on her face, her jaw clenched.

-Thank you for telling me this.  
-Bridget told me you clocked something was wrong the moment you arrived. Is it true ?  
-Yes, when you showed me Jianna's picture then Joan's. Your eyes betrayed you. Your expression.  
-I'm sorry. I didn't know I was..  
-Capable of such an act ? Most everybody is. But I have to admit, the way you did it. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Not even Joan. Especially not her.  
-Do you think you could ever forgive me ?  
-One does what one has to do to keep people safe. Even though I would like to make you hurt for even thinking about a vivisepulture. I heard from many people the things which happened here, things she's done, the mindset of everyone, and the pressure you all were under. Does it hurt ? Yes. Do I wish I could have prevented it ? Yes. Can I change what happened ? No.

Will had been debating for the last few minutes whether he should tell Alice. Although her near impassiveness threw him off, he was glad she wasn't shouting or asking questions. He wasn't near ready. But the piece of information he and Jake gathered helped him a little bit.

-Alice I... there is something I think you should know.  
-Yes ?  
-Jake and I went to talk to inspectors conducting the case on Ferguson.  
-Case ?  
-When the box was taken out of the ground, they took the case. They said, they'd keep us updated. Jake and I went to see them.  
-What for ?  
-They never reached back, and we went to know why.

Alice understood what Will was trying to say and nodded, furrowing her brows.

-And why didn't they reach out ?  
-Because it wasn't Ferguson in the box. She's out of it and alive, so they think.

Alice parted her lips in disbelief and saw Will nod slightly.

-I didn't know whether to tell you or not. Or even if I should be the one telling you, given what happened.  
-Than you Will. I'm glad you told me. It does lift a weight. Do they have any idea of her whereabouts ?  
-None whatsoever so you should keep an eye out, just in case. If she knows you're back, she might try and reach out to you.  
-Dutifully noted. Thank you again. Was there anything else ?  
-No, you can go.

Alice left by the door, closing it behind her. She looked at her watch and saw she was finishing in several hours. She sighed and took a deep breath, going back to her office.

* * * * *

" _-Give me the rein, you are a wreck._"  
-We are not.  
"_-Yes, you are, because you're pushing yourself and preventing me from doing what I'm here for._"  
-I won't let you hurt anyone. Not anymore.  
"_-Listen to yourself. You pretend you understand everything. Let me take the rein and go rest._"  
-You don't control me. I don't want you near my daughter.  
"_-She is our daughter._"  
-Stay away from her. She doesn't need you manipulating her.  
"_-You don't give me much choice. I tried the nice way._"

Joan felt herself growing heavy, her eyes fluttering, she tried to fight it, but she was right. The nightmares, and trying to keep her at bay exhausted her more than she cared to admit. She looked around, her eyes falling on the mirror in the room, her lips twisting downward.

-What are you making us wear ?

The Governor sighed, looking at her hair, raising an eyebrow. She went into the bathroom, her nose twitching at the cleanliness, but tried to push that at the far back of her mind, making her shudder. She started looking through the drawers and found what she was looking for. A few minutes later, she left the bathroom, a perfect bun holding her silver-streaked, ebony hair in place. She touched the bun, inhaling deeply, her body relaxing slightly. She heard a commotion coming from the corridor and turned when the door opened in a loud thud, making her wince. Frannie entered the room, a big smile on her face, which faded slightly upon seeing the look on her mother's face. The Governor straightened her back, looking down at the girl who furrowed her brows.

-Is there something you'd like ?  
-Hum... I...  
-What is it ?

Frannie looked up warily, at the older woman.

-Well ?  
-Where's Mama ?

The Governor's lips parted, her brows furrowing ever so slightly, a cloud passing in front of her eyes.

-We are here.  
-I don't understand ? Who is we ? Who are you ?  
-Joan.  
-That's Mama's name...  
-I know.

Frannie scrunched her brows even more, her head tilted to the side, looking up at the towering figure in front of her.

-Is there something wrong ?  
-I don't understand...  
-What don't you understand ?  
-Mama's name is Joan, but you're different...  
-How so ?  
-Your hair. The way you stand, Mama is not slouching but she's not as tensed as you are.

At this the Governor exhaled sharply, an eyebrow raised. She was impressed by the girl's observation skill and felt pride slowly make its way in the confines of her chest. She sat down on the bed, not without inspecting it, and looked back at the girl.

-Come on over, I won't bite.

She smiled tightly seeing Frannie making her way to sit on the bed, their legs touching, her face showing signs of confusion, yet the Governor could detect intrigue taking over the young girl.

-You have fine observation skills. Who taught you ?  
-Mom, she said it was important in life.  
-She's right. It is, it can prevent many tricky situations. That paired with control and planning.

The Governor was looking at the girl's face, a ghost of a smile on her lips upon seeing for herself how look-alike they were. She regained her composure, looking down at the girl who was still eyeing her, growing more and more intrigued by the seconds.

-Is there something you wish to ask me ?  
-Your name's Joan.  
-It is. I more often go by the Governor.  
-The Governor ? Why ?  
-I used to be the Governor in Correctional Facilities. I fix things.  
-Things ?  
-More like people.  
-But if you are the Governor... Where is Joan ?  
-My name's Joan.  
-You know what I mean, Mama, where is she ?  
-Young lady, watch your tone. I'm sure you weren't raised like so.

At this Frannie pouted and laid on the bed, her arms crossed, sadness washing over her.

-Mama is nicer.  
-I...

The Governor looked around before looking at the girl by her side, resting on the bed her eyes closed, still pouting. She rolled her eyes and laid on her back next to her, closing her eyes as well. She felt moving next to her and suddenly felt something on her nose causing her to snap open her eyes. Frannie was tracing the outline of her nose with the tip of her finger, her eyes focussed on her features. Until she stopped. Causing the older woman to miss the touch at her greatest surprise.

-I'm... Not good, with these things...  
-What things ?  
-Expressing myself. Like this, she gestured between themselves.  
-You've been doing good so far. Answered Frannie

The Governor scoffed, an amused smile appearing on her lips.

-I meant things close to the heart. I'm not... I don't... I avoid these subjects.  
-Why ? It's just us here.  
-I know.  
-Can you explain it to me ? Please ?  
-Why ? Why would you want to know ?  
-Why not ? Joan is Mama's name, since it's your name too I guess that makes you my Mama as well.

The Governor tensed slightly, her eyes on the girl, yet finding herself melting in front of such curiosity and innocence. Such acceptance. She cleared her throat, removing an imaginary speck from her t-shirt before glancing at the girl.

-Alright, it won't be easy though. Are you sure you are up for it ?

Frannie nodded eagerly, her eyes widening, and a smile she tried to conceal for a more serious expression, yet failed at the attempt, softening the Governor's heart of stone.

* * * * *

Alice walked past the door, rubbing her eyes, feeling the stress of the day slowly dissipating from her body. Her ears caught a faint sound of metal clinging together, she listened attentively, attempting to determine where the sound could be coming from. She heard a loud thud and looked over the back door, leading to the backyard. Alice reached the door, her hand on the door handle and was about to open until her eyes caught the sight in front of her.  
Frannie was holding her foil in an en garde position, Joan standing behind her, looking closely at her posture. She opened the door resting her shoulder on the frame, taking in the lesson happening before her very eyes.

-If you put too much weight on either of your feet you won't be able to move as swiftly as needed. You'll be an easy target. You need to be in constant movement, your eyes in the other person's.

Frannie frowned, before turning, her head tilted on the side.

-What ?  
-If I look into my opponent's eyes, how could I hit the right spot ?  
-With practice. You don't need to look at where you need to hit, as long as you know where and can predict where and when your opponent will attack.  
-That seems complicated.

The Governor bit the inside of her cheek, it was complicated, but it was the most effective way of winning a match. Not showing to your opponent your next move but be in tune with theirs, not only was it useful in fencing matches but in real life too.

-It is. If you're not up to it...

The older woman looked down at the girl whose nose twitched upon hearing the impending sentence. She placed herself in an en garde position, always in movement, ready to strike the mannequin, under the watchful eyes of the two women.

-Remember, do not look at where you want to hit. Selecting the accurate time to start your attack is as important as the choice of attack. Draw their advance, once you lured them, parry and thrust.

Alice raised her brows upon hearing the words coming from Joan, nodding slightly, exactly what she had told Frannie back she had begun taking fencing lessons. She kept her eyes on her daughter all the time, seeing the older woman circle around her until she stopped next to her. Frannie was taking slow, deep breaths, ready to strike, she pushed aside the arm of the mannequin before swiftly thrusting the tip of her foil on its chest almost instantly coming back into an en garde position. All of that without losing her balance at the speed she decided to try herself at. Frannie looked at her hands her eyes wide before turning to meet The Governor's gaze, proudness taking over her. She had a tight-lipped smile and nodded in approval at the girl who wrapped her arms around her waist, leaving her surprised by such a display of emotions. Her nose wrinkled but she did not push the girl right away, she patted her head and both mother and daughter turned quickly when they heard someone applaud from behind. The Governor tensed slightly upon seeing Alice in the door frame, slowly coming towards them.

-I see you both found something productive to do while I was gone.  
-Mama was helping me correct a few things, informed Frannie giving the taller woman a knowing look.

The Governor tilted her head to look at the girl next to her, her brows furrowed, her chest filling with an unexpected warmth.

-So I see. It's... Nice, to see you two bonding.

Alice pressed a hand on the Governor's back, who understood Alice probably thought Joan was the one here right now. She felt slightly uncomfortable under the touch, but said nothing, she simply smiled one of those smiles only she had the secrets to.

-You should be careful when you come out here, not that my neighbors live on gossips but one could peek and recognize you.  
-We were careful Mom, promise !  
-Oh, really young lady ? Why did you do to make sure ?  
-I played outside so that the noise would drive them away.

Alice scoffed looking at her daughter who laughed until coughing her lungs out, coaxing a soft smile to form on the stern woman's lips.

-I see, well, I can understand how effective that would be. And did you learn anything new today ? Except how to chase away neighbors ?  
-Yes a few, but Mama mostly corrected things I already worked on. She said it was to be more effective !  
-That seems great, how about I go make us something to eat ? You girls must be famished with all that training.

Frannie who had already started tidying her equipment, nodded eagerly towards her mother, taking off her gloves. Alice turned to face Joan, taking in the sight in front of her, causing the Governor to smile at her an eyebrow raised.

-Is there something wrong ?  
-That hairstyle suits you. But then again what doesn't suit you, added Alice smiling softly at her, Alright, why don't you help Frannie, I'll go prepare something, you'll be able to tell me how your day went.

The younger woman placed a gentle kiss on the Governor's cheek, who tried not to flinch, battering her eyes repeatedly. Before clearing her throat, looking at Alice take the same path she took when she arrived. At her greatest surprise, the Governor did not feel the urge to rub her cheek until her skin turned bright red, instead, she felt warm where her lips touched her skin, something she wasn't used to feeling, ever, leaving her thinking.

-That was close !

The Governor turned, facing the little girl an eyebrow raised, her arms crossed on her chest.

-What ?  
-You did not tell her.  
-Tell her what ?  
-You know pertinently what I mean.  
-Maybe...

Frannie smiled mischievously, looking up at the woman.

-Why ? What do you want ?  
-Nothing, she answered shrugging.  
-Everyone wants something out of everything. What's the catch ?  
-I don't know who you've been talking to, but there is no catch.  
-Then why ?  
-I heard you and Mama talk. I heard what happened...

Frannie looked down, slouching slightly, playing with her fingers.

-Were you snooping ?  
-Will you tell Mom ? It could be our secret...  
-Our secret ?  
-Yes, you don't tell Mom nor Mama I was listening and I don't tell them we're chatting.  
-Young lady that's what a catch is, said the Governor her lips curling into a smile.

The brunette's jaw was left hanging open, before pouting, rolling her eyes.

-Why would you not tell them about me ? After all, you heard things about me. Aren't you scared ?  
-Why would I be ?  
-Because I'm taking the hard decisions, not always the prettiest ones.  
-I know, I heard you and Mama talk this morning.  
-And ?  
-I don't think you're bad.  
-What if I am ?  
-What if you pretend you are ? You told me you used to fix people, there's nothing wrong with that.  
-My methods are unconventional. They sparkle debates wherever I go.

Frannie stopped for a minute, looking at the woman in front of her.

-What is it exactly that you do for Mama, why are you here ?  
-You're too young to understand that.  
-I'm not, I'm really intelligent and capable.  
-It... It has nothing to do with intelligence.  
-Then what is it ?

The Governor looked down at the girl, she knew very well Joan would not remember much anything at all given how exhausted she had felt her when she took over. But the one thing she didn't know was how much she could tell the girl, their daughter, without risks of her telling everyone. Not that Alice and Joan weren't doing that already. She sighed, staring into the chocolate eyes in front of her, trying to relax her own jaw.

-Bad things have happened to us, I... I'm here to protect us from it.  
-Bad things ? You mean like what happened to her hand ?

The Governor took a quick look at her scarred hand, her lips twitching at the sight.

-Mama told me it's because she did something wrong, and someone stopped her.  
-That depends on the point of view. I believe what we did was necessary. But that is not the point.  
-Then what is it ?  
-We both coexist in this body. She needs me, and I need her.  
-You're like twins ?  
-In a way, yes. But I protect her from the things that are too much for her. I take the hard decisions for her.  
-Then why do they hate you ?  
-Because they don't know.  
-Why don't you tell them ?  
-They wouldn't understand.  
-If I can, don't you think they can too ?  
-No...  
-Why ?  
-In the many years I've been alive, I've come to realize children are not born hateful, scornful, self-centered. They are made into such beings. But if there is one thing they have, which very often we lose growing up, is understanding. They are free of judgment.  
-That's a good thing ?  
-Yes, it is.  
-If children are like that... Weren't you born that way too ?

At this, the Governor's breath was cut short, she had not anticipated that many questions, not that question. She felt something caress her hand and saw her daughter taking her hand in hers.

-Was Mama born like that ? Is it too complicated for me ?  
-I found it rather complicated myself when I realized who I was and what I was supposed to do.  
-Tell me, please ?  
-She wasn't born like that, neither was I. We were... Like... Like you once.  
-Then what happened ?  
-Our... Father. He was a hard, domineering man, cruel, demanding.  
-Did he hurt you ?

The Governor swallowed audibly gritting her teeth. Yes he did. In more ways than one. Just the thought made her stomach lurch. She felt small yet strong arms wrap around hers once again, causing her to wield tears away from passing the barrier of her eyelids.

-I'm sorry he hurt you. You're safe here with us.  
-Girls, dinner's almost ready !

They both turned their heads toward the house, before glancing back at each other. The older woman thought for a second and lifted Frannie easily, surprising the girl who latched her arms around the Governor's neck.

-It's alright, I've got you. How about we go and eat ?

Frannie's stomach rumbled making her cheeks turn a bright shade of red, while the Governor smiled widely. The Governor started walking towards the door and just as they were about to enter, felt Frannie tug on her shirt, making her look at her.

-Did you forget something ?  
-Mama's right, that hairstyle looks good on you, I could never have such a big bun, she said laughing.

Frannie felt the embrace tightening softly and brought her lips next to the Governor hear, surprising her.

-Could you stay for the evening ?

The Governor loosened her grip on the girl resting on her hip , her brows furrowed, unused to being wanted, waiting for the rejection.

-Why ?  
-Because I want you here. We could talk some more !

The older woman nodded after a few minutes of uncertainty, bringing the girl closer again, finally opening the door.


	35. Chapter 35

Joan heard a loud bang and woke up, startled, looking around, seeing the walls of her former prison cell. A sense of dread penetrating her as she looked down and saw the grey pajamas she used to wear back then. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to steady herself before opening them and standing up, going towards her door, slowly opening it, looking around. She closed her eyes again, trying to catch onto any sound that could alert her of someone's presence, but there was only silence. A deathly silence. She walked towards the entrance of the unit, and took hold of the metal door, opening it widely, her brows furrowed, taking a step backward. Something was wrong. She peeked outside and stepped out of the unit, all her senses in alert. Heavy and fast footsteps echoed throughout the corridor, and Joan turned at once, her heart beating in her ears, she ran towards the footsteps, checking behind her, and stopped at the corner. Suddenly the alarm activated, the same-old message informing a lockdown reverberating against the teal walls. The alarm seemed to get stronger each time it started over again, making Joan clasp her hands over her ears. Then, there was a scream, high-pitched, ringing within the confines of her skull. She took her hands off her ears and heard screaming again.

-MAMA !

Joan blood froze in her veins, her eyes widening she started running towards the screaming, the echoes making it hard to tell which direction it was coming from.

-HELP ME !

The older woman spun on herself, the voice now coming from behind her. She felt her breathing quicken, her blood pumping in her ears rendering the task all the more complex. The alarm stopped abruptly, and a loud thud reverberated throughout the corridors of the prison. Joan felt a shiver run down her spine and started running, her legs carrying her albeit known to her where. She slowed down when she reached the stairs, her heart beating frantically. She brushed her hair away from her face and heard a very distinctive sound coming from behind her. Joan swallowed thickly, turning back gradually, her eyes closed in fear of what she might see. She heard the sound again and opened her eyes, her heart-stopping in her ribcage. Her breath dying at the back of her throat. Her whole body giving up under the shock, causing her to fall to her knees. An inhuman scream tore from her lips up in seeing the person swinging from the stairs.

Joan woke up, tears streaming down her face, her eyes darting around, her body covered in sweat. She looked to her left and was met with emptiness, remembering Alice had already gone to work and Frannie was already at school. The older woman's eyes welled up with more tears, sobs taking over her body, shaking her tall frame. She felt something on her shoulder and jumped away. The Governor was standing near the bed, besides Joan, her hand resting on her shoulder, her eyes penetrating the ones of the sobbing woman. Joan's lips parted, but no sound dared to escape, images of what she's just witnessed flashing back before her eyes. She closed her eyes tightly, covering her ears with her hands. Arms wrapped around her, catching her off guard. She could smell the distinctive smell of leather comforting her as she felt a hand caress her hair. Her sobs subsisted, and the hold of the strong arms on her shoulders tightened significantly. Joan drew a shaky breath and looked where the Governor was standing, seeing no one.  
She stood up from the bed feeling her head throb, she brushed a tuft of hair off her face and made her way downstairs, going towards the kitchen about to make herself a cup of coffee to try and wake herself. Coffee in hand, she picked a book from the shelves and walked back upstairs, entering their bedroom, she placed her items down and sighed as her hair kept getting in the way. She walked towards her vanity and took a clip, and pushed two strands of hair at the back of her head, the white showing more as she did so. She checked her hairstyle in the mirror, and her eyes inevitably went to her neck where no marks could be seen, causing her to glance at her hand, which sadly would always be a reminder of her previous life. Brenda had done a better job than nurse Radcliff that's for sure. She felt her hear tache at the thought of her former... Friend.  
Joan felt a wave of sadness wash through her and detached herself from the mirror, walking back to grab her coffee when she heard the faintest sound of running water. She furrowed her brows and tried to make out from where the sound was coming from, walking towards the corridor, looking around. Joan glanced down the stairs, her hand on the railing when her ear picked on the sound of running water again, causing her to turn towards the bathroom. Joan stepped closer to the door, placing her ear on the wooden surface, listening, the sound of running water clear now. She took a deep breath, taking the handle in her hand, her head tilted on the side. She opened the door, passing her head in the small space, glancing at the empty sink and empty bathtub. Joan opened the door fully, her brows furrowed, she entered the room and went to check the taps, not understanding how she could have heard running water.  
She sighed and stared at her reflection in the mirror, she moved to the left and stopped dead in her track, her eyes locked on the bathtub. Water was pouring from the tub, the tap opened, the sound filling the space. Joan closed her eyes, trying to even her breathing, and felt something touch her hands, causing her eyes to snap open. Blood poured from the sink, tainting her hands as she rubbed them together. She heard a splash and spun on herself, startled, eyeing the bathtub as a black form floated above the water. Joan kept on rubbing her bloody hands, edging closer to the tub warily. She touched the form in the water and drew her hand back due to the cold she had felt under her fingertips. Joan grabbed the person, the blood on her hands washing away thanks to the water, and turned the form over, her eyes widening, and felt her legs give up, pushing herself away from the tub, hitting her head on the bloody sink.

Joan sat up straight, her eyes wide, taking shallow breaths. She looked around recognizing thebedroom, bringing a hand to her chest, feeling the frantic beating of her heart. The older woman looked over to her clock and saw it was about to turn to 10 am, causing her to exhale deeply. She heard the floor creak and looked to her right, her eyes darting up to meet the Governor's, pushing herself further away. Joan looked warily at the woman who sat down next to her, their eyes never parting, but she couldn't feel anything significant coming from the other woman. Until the Governor lowered her gaze to their necklace, her brows furrowing ever so slightly.

* * * * *

Alice and Bridget were in their office, coffee in hand, staring out the window to the yard below them. They could hear the muffled chatter coming from outside, contrasting with the silence in the room. Bridget sat down on the armchair, placing her cup on the coffee table in front of her while Alice kept staring outside, holding her cup to her lips.

-Do you think people like me can change ?

Startled by the question, Bridget looked up to her colleague her lips parting, seemingly thinking as Alice turned to face her.

-Objectively. With the things you've learned lately.  
-Hm... I..  
-Yes ?  
-I don't really know any more.

Alice nodded, she had expected that answer.

-Humour me ?

Bridget sighed, she took a sip of her coffee, keeping the warm cup between her cold hands.

-I guess unless proven otherwise, yes, you can. It probably would be more a question of would you work for it, let yourself change.  
-Glad you're not gainst the idea anymore.

The blonde scoffed, smiling tightly.

-What about empathy, fear ?  
-Don't you feel things ?

Alice faced the window again, her eyes wondering on the scenery.

-I guess I do. Not nearly as much as you do as you'd have guessed.  
-But isn't that better than nothing ?  
-That's the point.  
-What do you mean ?

The brunette tilted her head to the side and sat down on the armchair in front of Bridget who was looking curiously at her.

-There are moments where there is nothing, it's just void. I've been told before I should feel something, but there is nothing. And when I do feel something, it's toned down.  
-I guess you already know it's the chemicals in your body and your brain which causes that.  
-I know that for a fact.  
-Are you doubting yourself ?  
-Why would I ?  
-Well, that sounds a lot like introspection to me.  
-I always liked to do that with other people and me. I can't see anything wrong with me, except for the hurting of people just because I can, or am curious.  
-Feeling this little doesn't bother you ?  
-Not really, I used to ask Joan if it bothered her, but she was so starved on human contact she was ready to accept anything, plus it's not as if she had much of that, so my distance didn't put her off.  
-And your daughter ?  
-As far as I see she manages.  
-Do you think you give her all she needs ?  
-I think... I'm giving her the best I can, given who I am.  
-Then I think you don't need to ponder too much on that. She seems to love you very much, and even if I have to admit Joan is much warmer than you are. I'm sure of one thing.

Alice glanced at Bridget, raising her eyebrows.

-And what's that ?  
-That even if you feel not nearly feeling as much as someone considered normal by society. You love her a great deal. Same for Joan. The behaviour you have towards them speaks for itself. I don't know if it's learned behaviour or something in you which wants to do certain of the things you do. But the devil is in the detail, is he not ?

The brunette nodded, sipping her coffee, a smile appeared on her lips and Bridget nudged her shoulder.

-What is it ?  
-Nothing really, just glad we get along.  
-Really ? Did you think we'd not get along ?  
-You have to admit we didn't have the best of starts.  
-True, I could have handled that better.  
-If you had we probably wouldn't be here right now, so I don't mind.  
-Alice ?  
-Hm ?  
-Is there a reason, an actual reason behind you asking me these questions ?

Alice stared at Bridget, studying her, she set her cup down and pressed her lips together before resting her back on the back of the armchair.

-I've come to realize over the years, that I've been changing. Feeling more. Not as much as you'd think in such and amount of time, but, a little bit more. Ever since Blackmoore.  
-Well, we all change some for the better, some I'd rather not say...  
-When I think of who I was back then, it just seems so far, so long ago... I almost feel foreign, like I'm a complete different person. But I know deep down I could still do the same things I did all those years ago. -Of course you could, but would you ? With so much at stake ? You're not a seventeen years old anymore, you have a daughter and a... Partner I guess. A stable job. You're intelligent, so I guess it'd come down to whether you'd want to jeopardize all of that. Alice nodded, taking a sip of her beverage, her eyes lost in the void. -Alice ? -Hm ? -How do you feel knowing what happened to Joan these last few years ? The younger woman sighed, pondering on the question, her head tilted on the side. -Cheerless, pensive, somber. Leaves a bitter taste. -Why is that ? -Because I care. Bridget smiled looking at Alice, she placed a hand on top of her, causing her to look at her. -I know you do. Otherwise, you wouldn't be this way around them. You'd have left years ago. I just hope you won't try and seek revenge for the things done to her. I know some should be heavily punished by the law, but let's not forget she did some pretty horrible things herself. Regardless of the reason behind it. -Bridget. What good would it do now ? Things have happened, the only reason why I would hurt the perpetrators would be, either because I'd have been here when it happened or if they try again. -It's dangerous to say that. She could be sent to Wentworth anytime, or she could cause trouble. -I don't fear the Governor if that's who you're referring to. -Would have surprised me if you did, chuckled Bridget, it's just... Hm, forget it you know them more than we do. -I know what she is capable of, don't worry. Your concern is dutifully noted, but I think I can handle her alright, I just need to play this right. -What do you mean ? Alice glanced at Bridget studying her face before taking a sip of her coffee. -I'll say when I'll be sure, not on suspicions. -Fair enough. -By the way, Mister Jackson and I spoke. -And how did it go ? -Surprisingly well. He... Came clean. Bridget's eye widened, placing her cup on the coffee table. -You mean... He told you ? About... -He told me it was him, yes. I didn't hurt him if that's what you're afraid of. -No, no, it's just.. -I'm not going to try and hurt him either. -It's not that. -Then what is it ? -Does he know ? About Joan ? Alice took a minute, letting the question sink in. she'd have to tell Joan, well, tell them. Police would be looking for her, and Alice was surely going to be one of the primary people they'd ask given she's back. -Both Mister Jackson and Mister Stewart went to see those inspectors. -And ? -They both know. Bridget muttered under her breath, passing a hand in her hair, her eyes locked on Alice. -Are you going to tell her ? -I have to. -She'll want to go. -Yes well, I'll just have to be very persuasive.

* * * * *

Vera was in her car behind the wheel, listening to the radio, moving her head at the rhythm. It was dark outside, and at her greatest pleasure, there weren't that many people on the road at this hour. The petite woman turned at a corner, slowing down, looking for a specific house. When she spotted it, Vera parked on the driveway and sent a text to Alice.

"I'm at your place. I'll let you know how things are going."

Vera didn't wait for Alice to answer and came out of her car, walking towards the front door. She entered the house and looked around, seeing the living room desert. She walked towards the back door, peeking through the windows but didn't see anyone either. Vera furrowed her brows and went back to the entrance, glancing at the stairs. Suddenly her phone vibrated, and she picked it up, reading the text.

"Thanks, I appreciate. Given the hour they're probably both upstairs, it's a habit they have after dinner."

Vera laughed as she read the text, she placed the phone back in her back pocket and walked up the stairs stealthily, she looked around and saw one of the doors slightly open. She walked towards it, ready to enter, and stopped abruptly when she heard laughter. Vera peeked inside the room, moving enough to see but not be seen given the angle at which the door was open. Frannie was laying on top of Joan, who had wrapped her arms around her, resting her chin on the top of her head.

-I'm happy you're here, you're nicer than they say.

Frannie rubbed her nose on the older woman's neck, feeling sleepy and felt the embrace tightening slightly.

-I'm pleased you feel this way, as we both know I'm not good at this. It's all... New, to me.  
-Like mom, she doesn't always know how to be... But she's trying, sometimes it feels a bit cold, but I know she cares, she just doesn't show it like everyone.  
-You're right. We have our differences, but she is the closest person able and willing to understand us. We respect her experiences as some match our own.

Frannie yawned and wrapped an arm around the Governor's tummy, trying to stay awake, making Vera smile, and the Governor brush a tuft of ebony hair away from the little girl's face, somehow not feeling put off by the familiarity of the girl.

-How were you when you were a little girl ?  
-I never was.

Vera saw the puzzled expression on Frannie's face and felt pained at the older woman's words. Because if her file was anything to go by, she didn't have what one would call a typical childhood because she didn't have one, to begin with.

-What do you mean ?

The Governor sighed, swallowing the lump in her throat, carefully thinking about how to put into words what she was about to say. She didn't want to burden her daughter with the knowledge of what had happened to them. If Joan couldn't handle eighty percent of it, a little girl shouldn't have to worry about that either.

-I couldn't... I wasn't allowed many things.  
-Like what ?  
-To play with the other kids.  
-You didn't have any friends ? Asked Frannie raising her voice, as she lifted herself to sit on her legs, Why not ?  
-Because my father didn't want me to.  
-What else ?

The fire inside the child's eyes threw the Governor off, as she had never seen a child with such a passion behind their eyes burning nearly as brightly as now.

-I was... He trained us all the time.  
-To do what ?  
-Make a camp, survive in the wild, the cold. To fight. To hurt.

The Governor felt tears welling at the corner of her eyes, and she attempted to wield them down, looking at her daughter, trying to regain her composure.

-He wanted for us to learn an instrument, and we did.  
-The violin downstairs ?  
-Hm, hm. He also wanted for us to fence and win.  
-And you did ?

Frannie saw the older woman nod, her jaw clenched and scooted closer to her.

-You can tell me. I won't tell anyone, pinky promise ?

The Governor laughed without joy, her eyes going down the Frannie's raised hand, pensive. She hadn't said many things to Alice, not because she didn't trust her. But because Joan didn't remember most of it, whereas the Governor did, she never could forget. She raised her hand and intertwined their pinkies together, releasing a shaky breath.

-We were working all the time, either schoolwork or his training. We didn't go anywhere.  
-You've never traveled ?  
-Before Australia ? Never.

Frannie thought for a moment staring into the chocolate eyes before tilting her head on the side.

-You said he was cruel, hard... What did you mean by that ?

Vera listened closely, she knew she was eavesdropping, but somehow she couldn't help it. Hearing it come from the horse's mouth made it all the more real and painful to assimilate. She was shared between entering and cutting the discussion short, and at the same time, letting the woman talk. But still, Vera felt unsure if a child should know of these things, thought though she was confident Joan wouldn't tell her things that'd end up traumatizing her, or at least would choose her words carefully. 

-He... He taught us to survive in impossible weather.

She saw the perplexed expression on Frannie's face and sighed.

-Once, when we were out and going to the frozen lake, he decided he was going to teach us how to climb out if we fell in the water.  
-Ice cold water ?

Frannie saw her mother nod, causing her lips to part and a small pout to form. The Governor saw and shook her head, caressing her cheek softly.

-It's alright.  
-No, it's not. He shouldn't have done that.  
-It's useful knowledge.  
-Did you want to ?

Frannie waited for the older woman to answer, but when she saw she wasn't going to, she kept on.

-So he forced you.

The Governor clenched her jaw, feeling the anger she had long buried rise at the back of her throat, her eyes black as the night outside, she felt the urge to smack the girl for being so noisy, tell her to get a grip of her feelings, to stop pitying her. That he did what was right. She didn't want for that to happen, to damage their relationship permanently, especially not after the nightmare Joan had had regarding Frannie. That would be the last straw, and even Alice's understanding would not save them from her wrath if she dared to raise her hand on their daughter. The Governor's inner conflict kept on growing, getting stronger, the hatred still there. Yet when she thought about it, something in her pushed her to talk, to let the weight go. She felt a tear roll down her cheek, shutting her eyes tightly, breathing through her nose. The Governor felt something soft brush away the tear and opened her eyes, seeing Frannie with her hand in the air, wiping her cheek dry.

-I'm sorry... Please don't cry...

The Governor saw tears threatening to gather at the corner of her eyes, and wrapped her arms around her, bringing her to lay down and rest on her, gently stroking her hair.

-You shouldn't worry about that, you've got more important. Like your schoolwork, that's primordial if you want to be able to have the job you want someday. Said the older woman, her voice thick with tears. You cannot change what happened to us, it's done.

Frannie pouted, her heart breaking a little at the older woman's words, and blinked when she nudged her nose, causing her to look up to her, nuzzling closer, feeling safe. The little girl saw the necklace and traced it with her finger before opening it, smiling as she saw the brunette and herself smiling widely. She flipped it and furrowed her brows, looking up.

-Who are they ?

The Governor tensed, barely looking down, feeling another tear rolling down her cheek. Vera fought the urge to come inside, as she knew she shouldn't have been here and listening in the first place, or at least she should have sent a message to Joan before coming. But the idea of being here, albeit known to everyone, thrilled Vera, as she could stumble on moments like that. And though it was grossly unethical, it hadn't been the first time she had done it.

-Our mother and us.  
-Where is she ?

Vera tensed, awaiting the answer, she had heard the thickness of her voice when she revealed who were the other people in her necklace and figured it must be a hard topic to mention, more so discuss.

-She's dead. Has been for... For decades. We hardly knew her.

Vera saw Frannie look up, her sad eyes speaking for themselves. She closed the necklace and scooted closer to her mother, squeezing her between her tiny arms.

-How was she ?  
-Understanding, kind, loving...  
-Did you love her ?  
-With all our heart.

Vera felt her heart break at the vision of the older woman holding back tears, she glanced down, feeling her own eyes well up with tears as she reached her back pocket about to take her phone to answer Alice.

-Could you sing the lullaby, please ?

The Governor nodded, smiling softly, she lowered herself in the bed followed by Frannie, who resumed laying on top of her, her head resting on her shoulder. The older woman tucked them in and took a deep breath after she cleared her throat.

-Voz'mi menya, lyubi menya, ukroy  
Toy pelenoy, chto my s toboy sozdali vdvoyom  
Voz'mi menya, lyubi menya, ukroy  
Toy pelenoy, chto my s toboy sozdali vdvoyom

Svet fonarey gulyayet po ulitse  
Smotri zhe mne v glaza, obo vsom ya tebe rasskazhu  
I kolybel'nuyu tebe spoyu, smotri zhe mne v glaza  
I gde v nikh dobrota? (gde v nikh dobrota?)

Ty obernul menya vokrug menya,  
Zashchishchaya menya ot vneshnego mira.

Vy dali mne podarok, chtoby ya pomnyu tebya,  
Pet' vsyakiy raz, kogda mne grustno,  
Chtoby dat' mne silu, kogda ya vnizu.

Mat', dorogaya mama, ty dal mne etu kolybel'nuyu,  
Napomnit' mne, ty vsegda budesh' so mnoy,  
Dazhe kogda nash put' budet rasstavat'sya.

Darya mne eto lyubyashcheye ubezhishche, chtoby pomnit' vas.

(Take me, love me, shelter  
The shroud that you and I created together  
Take me, love me, shelter  
The shroud that you and I created together

The light of lanterns, walks along the street  
Look into my eyes and I'll tell you everything  
And I’ll sing you a lullaby, look into my eyes  
And where is kindness in them? (where is the kindness in them?)

You wrapped your arms around me,  
Protecting me from the outer world.

You gave me a gift for me to remember you by,  
To sing whenever I feel sad,  
To give me strength when I am down.

Mother, dear mother, you gave me this lullaby,  
To remind me you'll always be with me,  
Even when our path shall part.

Gifting me this loving shelter to remember you by.)

Vera unlocked her phone, going back downstairs as silently as possible, she walked out the door, locking it again, and pressed call as she walked back to her car.

-Vera ? Is something wrong ?  
-Nop, all good. I just... I just learned a few things tonight.  
-What do you mean ?  
-Just Joan talking with Frannie, they spoke of her father. I can't believe he would treat her like that.  
-Kinda puts in perspective how she's been behaving all those years, right ?

Vera scoffed, rolling her eyes, before placing the keys in the car.

-She seemed on the verge of tears throughout the whole discussion. It was horrible.  
-I know.  
-All of that to say, they're tucked in Frannie's bed and probably will remain here for the rest of the night.  
-Vera.  
-What ?  
-Did Jake tell you ?

The petite woman held the phone next to her ear, swallowing audibly, sighing.

-Yes. I guess Will told you too ?  
-Indeed he did.  
-So what do we do now ?  
-We wait.  
-What if they come to you now that you're back ?  
-We hide them.  
-Do you really think we can hide her like that ? Asked Vera, snapping her fingers.  
-No, but we can try. I'm not letting them go back inside that madhouse because they'd gotten caught because we weren't ready.  
-You won't be able to live like this. She'll become crazy cooped up inside the house.  
-Then we'll leave. Simple enough.  
-Don't say that.  
-I'm serious, Vera. I won't let them get caught and be sent back into that place. Unless they expressively tell me they want to go back.  
-Why on earth would she... They go back ?  
-Guilt can pull one on you. They're the kind of person who could dress, walk to Wentworth and wait for people to realize it's rhem, and let themselves be sucked back in the system.

Vera let her head fall on the stirring wheel in a loud thud, a groan escaping her lips.

-I don't want them to be back inside.  
-Me neither.  
-They'll kill them. Or worse.  
-I know... Anyway, you have your daughter to get back to, I won't bother you any longer.  
-You never bother me. My life these last few months would have been quite dull without you.  
-Hm, I see. Well, I'll see you tomorrow at work, have a nice evening Vera.  
-You too, Alice.


End file.
